Hi everyone,
I'm new here on this forum. I've been dealing with my own personal loss situation for quite some time, and I decided I needed the support of a group like this.
I'm going to tell this story in seven parts, and wait a few days between parts, so each can be discussed individually.
PART ONE
I met Ben at a weekend campout arranged by a social group we both belonged to. It was love at first sight. From the moment I saw him, I wanted to be near him.
We enjoyed many of the same things. In particular, he had this special way of treating me that I absolutely couldn't get enough of! He seemed to know exactly what I wanted and all I had to do was let him do it. We rarely discussed our plans for what we would do when we got together; whatever he wanted to do he just did it and I went along with it, thankfully.
It lasted a glorious year. Then he pointed out I wasn't giving him what he wanted and I knew it was true. Having Asperger's Syndrome, I have always found it difficult to recognize and respond to the needs of others -- I wanted to give him what he craved, but was mostly clueless about how to go about it.
It got worse and worse after that. He started pulling back, and I started to desperately hold onto what was slipping away from me. Finally he broke it off, and I was devastated.
I cried myself to sleep every night for a week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I was consuming Haagen-Daas by the quart, trying to find some relief at the bottom of a tub of vanilla.
I was working at temporary jobs, and when the job I was on ended, I didn't even bother to look for another one. I stayed out of work for over a year, only looking for a new job after blowing through my savings and becoming financially desperate.
I did all the wrong things. I told him how much I needed him, I begged for a second chance, I even hinted at suicide (I was considering it). He suggested we "be just friends", and I said no, because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. Of course, as a result, I gradually lost all contact with him.
Someone I told about this later asked me if there was a lot of arguing (I suppose that's common before a breakup) but I said no, it was more like he didn't want to see me any more, and I didn't want to live any more.
There was a private party some months later, and we both went (separately). There was something-or-other the hostess wanted to show us on her computer, in her bedroom, and some of us went in to see it. I remember he was sitting on one corner of the bed and I on another, and I ironically thought, this was going to be the last time we would both be in the same bed together. It turned out I would be right about that.
The above events are not exactly recent. I'll reveal how long ago they happened in part four.
My next major post will outline what I tried to do after losing him.
Jenna
