KarenK

Marty,

I'm so sorry to hear that you have become the object of someone's angst and apparent wrath. You have definitely never been anything but kind and understanding, never hurtful. Please know how much I appreciate your wisdom and friendship as well as that of so many others here.

Luv,

Karen

Fae, so glad you are feeling well enough to make a small jaunt into town. Especially so that you do not have to do "mop up" chemo, as they call it, which leaves so many feeling the ill effects as you may have experienced with Doug. I cannot remember if he had chemo.

My daughter had to have a "wound vac" put on this week as she still had one open wound left. It is to promote healing. She said it is not painful, just uncomfortable, but she will probably only have it for ten days or so which is a good thing. Like you, she is rarin' to go. She hates being cooped up in the house, even though her activities are becoming more limited due to fatigue. IMHO & hers, her chemo doctor is responsible for the condition of her lungs. He has tunnel vision where chemo is concerned & his attitude has always been to wait & see what the chemo does before opting for lung surgery. Well, guess what! Chemo did nothing but put her in the hospital & cause multiple problems & the opportunity for surgery is long past. Some teamwork they have at that "major" cancer center, isn't it?

Hope you are resting comfortably in preparation for your next round of prods & pokes.

Luv,

Karen

Anne, so glad to see you have returned from your trip safely. Am hoping to visit my daughter as soon as I sell the cabin.

QM, so relieved that you are safe & were not in the path of the destructive tornado. I thought of you immediately as I don't know what part of Arkansas you are in. The storm seemed to be south of my daughter. I always worry for her during this season as her 2 story home sits on top of a hill with no basement. Such devastation those poor people have experienced!

Jan, the anniversary of Ron's leaving is May 5 also, but 1 year for me instead of 2. I just make it through each day by putting 1 foot in front of the other, my silent grief overshadowed by so many other catastrophes right now. Perhaps it is best that way.

Jo, yes we are all kindred spirits here, part of a "tribe" we never wanted join, but are warmly welcomed by those who have been traveling this path a bit longer.

Luv,

Karen

Fae, I know what a hard decision this must be for you. You are fiercely independent, but right now it certainly doesn't hurt to ask for a helping hand, and this may turn out to be only a temporary move. I had given some thought to moving to the cabin, providing I could legally keep it through Homestead & just letting everything else go to bankruptcy. Even being in fairly good health & not completely isolated, I felt it would not be something I could do. There are several people nearby who live in the area full time, but none I know or could depend upon for help. Some of the winters have been fierce, although probably not compared to yours. I surprise myself even by asking my son for help with things it seemed I could do alone "only last week".

The main thing right now is for you to feel safe & cared for. The retirement community seems to fit that bill. I wish you well.

Luv,

Karen

I want to thank each of you so much for your care & concern. I have somehow learned to just take life one day at a time as my daughter does. You never know what lies around the corner. It is preferable to have a plan laid out as I lived with a man who was "almost" prepared for anything, but there are some life events who do not go according to plan as we all know. I think my daughter is much like our Fae in that she is sorely frustrated that she can no longer do all the things she used to. Right now her biggest concern is to get this wound healed so she can at least get around well enough to go outside & see her horses, go fishing, etc. May sound trite to some of you, but that is her world. She does not look ahead to next year, merely next week.

My financial krap is nothing compared to what she endures, merely a diversion for discussion to keep the truly bad happenings at bay. I suppose it's merely a way to retain some semblance of sanity. So please forgive me if I dwell on it.

Hope everyone has a pleasant weekend. I plan to start sorting through the myriad of boxes brought home from the cabin, most items being added to my yards sales.

Luv,

Karen

Fae, pleased to hear that you are considering Vanderbilt for your treatments. They are supposed to be one of the best. A friend on CSN was treated there & only had good things to say about it. In the beginning, I encouraged my daughter to go there, but she had opted to go north to Louisville instead of south to Nashville.

Am thinking of you & your many trials & tribulations. You handle each with grace.

Luv,

Karen

I have been away for a couple of days. On a positive note, Robert & I went to the cabin & brought back my Grandfather clock & server which matches my dining table & chairs, the latter being one of few items I have been able to retain from my Mother's home. The clock is not an expensive one(around $500) as it is battery operated, but I was worried about transporting that much glass. Robert learned well from his dad how to pack things, so everything arrived unscathed. As the gun safe is now gone, I will rearrange furniture moving the china cabinet into that space & the clock in place of the cabinet. Are you confused yet? If possible I will eliminate one of my oak/glass display cabinets as the clock sports glass display shelves. Still have more things to bring home, but may be able to do it in only one more trip. Had planned to rent a trailer, but rental prices doubled for the summer, so will do it with my truck only. So that is my positive for the day. Plus the fact I didn't have to listen to creditors messages for 2 whole days. LOL

Still fighting my blasted jaw infection. Dentist has fixed tooth 3 times, but infection reoccurs & interval between infections is getting shorter. I should have bought stock in Amoxicillin. I would be rich. Am really considering getting the darn thing pulled. Who wants to chew steak anyway?

Will call my daughter tomorrow. She is having a "wound vac" put on. Not a pleasant thing, but should help to promote healing of the surgical site. No more CT's for her as she has declined further treatment & will simply enjoy whatever time she has left. I am not as quick to accept her fate as she is, but it is not my decision & I must honor it. Will not "stir the pot" with my feelings about fighting cancer as I seem to be a lone wolf among other's view here on that subject.

Luv,

Karen

Heidi, will be thinking of you tomorrow as you "endure" your 40th anniversary. I say "endure" as that is what most of us here are doing right now. Last November 19 was my first anniversary alone. It would have been our 41st. Strangely enough, my grief on that day was no greater than on any other day. Most days & nights are still filled with unending loneliness. I have no large pictures of Ron. I keep a framed small one above the computer & another in a glass cabinet along with pictures of my children & grandchildren. One has only to glance into my family room to see Ron smiling back through all the many collectibles he cherished over the years. Sadly those are diminishing as I am forced to sell things.

Chris, I am also sadly in need of new glasses for reading & driving. I use the readers from the $1 store & "wing it" when driving. Before Medicare, my exams were covered by insurance as I have early cataracts(probably not early anymore). I've not checked prices, but have heard that Walmart is reasonable. Hope you find something that your budget will support.

Mary, your portrait of Bill is lovely. He appears just as you describe him with words.

QM, love the picture of Mike. It makes me think of one of Ron & Robert in their "camo" gear on one of their hunting trips. Not the pose, but just the fact that it represents their personalities.

Luv,

Karen

Reading is also a favorite way of mine to step out of my reality. I lean toward the mindless thrillers which I am able to erase from memory as soon as I turn the last page. Also went through the "romance" stage several years ago. Funny how my mind would rather read of gruesome murders now, rather than love.

No plans for Easter here. If awake, I may try another church. Still have not found what I am searching for. May never find it. Even if Robert were not working, I doubt he & David would be here. The desire to celebrate holidays in our family seemed to lessen when we lost my mother all those years ago. In a lot of ways, she seemed to be the glue that held us all together.

My daughter is coping as well as possible with her situation, probably more so than I. She has accepted her fate. What other choice does she have?

As more wolves gather at my door demanding money, I try to remain calm(impossible to do). I think I have sold the HUGE gun safe. A man called yesterday with an offer saying he & his boys could move it(weighs 1200 lbs.). It was funny as I told Robert that they would have to be the size of linebackers to do that without a hydraulic lift. When the guy showed up, he was the size of the actor "The Rock", so maybe they truly can. Now waiting for him to call me about pickup & payment. Never sure if you can trust Craigslist potential buyers, but it's a chance you have to take.

Hope everyone has a nice peaceful Easter, whatever your plans.

Luv,

Karen

I feel no less grief, pain, & agony than I did a year ago when I watched Ron take his last breath. However, not once in that year have I wished to leave this earth. I do not judge those who wish to, but consider the ones who would be left behind, your children & grandchildren. They have already suffered an enormous loss. Would you really want them to suffer even more? Or consider how hard your spouse fought to remain with you. Should you show any less courage? As I watch cancer eat away the life of my child & she attempts to recover from the 7th surgery, her words are "I can get through this. I've gotten through so much already." Please consider these words. All of us here have been through so much, so many life changing experiences which we are still muddling through. We can get through this no matter what it takes!

Luv,

Karen

Just beautiful, Anne.

It just seems that cancer has invaded the lives of so many of our families & friends. I'm sure it has been that way through the years, but the realization isn't as apparent until you experience it among your own circle & then it seems as if so many are affected by it. I too was heartbroken to hear of our Fae being one of the newest warriors in the battle. I prefer to think of all these soldiers as warriors & not victims, including my Debbie & Ron.

Debbie is doing her best with her new "normal". She had a small setback as the surgical incision & stoma are close together causing the steri strips to pull away from the incision. This left a 4" gaping hole in her abdomen which was stitched yesterday using local anesthesia. In a word, "OUCH"! Despite that, she opted to go home yesterday evening. She is one tough little cowgirl. So will probably talk to her this evening or tomorrow when she is settled in. One of the last things she said was "I can get through this. I've been through so much already."

Luv,

Karen

Thank you, Marty, but just so sad to hear this.

Fae, thinking of you and hoping you will heal quickly from the surgery. All of us here are praying for you. Fight, girl, fight!

Luv,

Karen

Oh QM, I did not realize you had lost a child & at such a young age. I know you were devastated. It is hard to lose someone at any age, much less one who has not had a chance at life.

I don't know the details, but apparently my daughter's surgery went as planned. Spoke with her very briefly as she was still drugged up. Will wait for her call when she is up to it. I know there will be an ostomy nurse coming in to "train" her for her new "normal".

Blast it! I am in a lot of pain even with pain meds. I thought sure that my repaired tooth was through getting infected. Wrong! My jaw started swelling & aching 2 nights ago & it took 2 days for the dentist & pharmacy to get on the same page. My son picked up the meds for me this afternoon, so should feel better in a few days. When finances allow, I guess I'll get this one pulled also. It's always something, isn't it!

Will let you know more about my daughter when I talk to her.

Luv,

Karen

Oh, Kay. How very special that you found these! There are times when I wish we had taken more "people" pictures instead of scenery.

Luv,

Karen

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It is difficult enough to endure such a loss without having to be on guard for thieves at such a time and I find it shameful that his sons are treating you this way. Is it possible for you to change your locks so you can have a modem of peace while you are away from the house?

You will take care of his things when you feel ready. There is no time limit for that. My husband has been gone almost 11 months & I am just now slowly emptying his closet. Don't let anyone rush you.

I am glad you found our little group. So many nice people here to help each other on this difficult journey.

Luv,

Karen

Anne, I'm so sorry you are experiencing another medical problem. Our bodies seem never to stabilize as we age or perhaps now, we listen to their cries for help as we were too involved caring for our loved ones before. I cancelled my last doctor appt. as I just can't take on another possible problem right now.

We too, had a small insurance premium on Ron attached to the bank acct. However, I didn't have a problem cancelling it shortly after his death. Simply asked that it be done over the phone and it was. Alas, as you say, the cable bill is another matter. Rather than send me a form to assume the account, I must go to the local office & fill one out which originates a new account, new box, new pricing. In fact, I just got off the phone with their retention dept. as current billing didn't reflect a new price which I negotiated for the existing acct. Talk about being flustered! While speaking with the FOURTH person to rectify the situation, I identified myself as being a "deceased widow". Then I realized what I had said and backtracked.

I've not made the effort to change the bank acct., utilities, or truck registration, though I suppose it would be wise to. Credit card accts. are in his name, but they are moot at this point in time.

Will be waiting to hear of your ENT visit.

Luv,

Karen

Jan, I'm so glad these "signs" are appearing for you and are of great comfort. I have yet to see or feel any.

Here in the southwestern states, we have jackrabbits which are similar to your hares. Elusive animals with extremely long ears.

Arizona is the only mainland state which does not observe Daylight Savings Time. It's interesting that the Navajo Nation does, though. Probably because it is a Sovereign Nation and not considered part of the state. It was always so strange in Kentucky during summer when it didn't get dark until 9 PM.

Happy Mother's Day to you. We observe it on May 11 this year.

Luv,

Karen

Kay,

There won't be any more retirement checks. Last year after Ron died, I checked with the mutual funds company & was told the funds would continue until May, but evidently the rep was mistaken & the fund distribution ended in March. Another bad choice on my part, I suppose. When I retired, there were "rumblings" that the company might fold & take retirees funds with it, so many of us withdrew our funds & invested them with mutual funds companies. I lost a quarter of the money when the stock market died in 2008. Subsequently, the company didn't fold, only joined with another. Had I left the funds in the company retirement plan, the monthly payments would have been smaller, but would have lasted until my death. Hindsight is worth nothing.

That is why I've become more desperate to sell my cabin. I knew this was coming, just didn't expect it so soon. I will just have to let things pile up & do the best I can. Thanks for caring.

Luv,

Karen

Still not liking this Windows 8 any better than when I first got this new computer!

Fae, so glad you have avoided surgery. I am so fortunate(knock on wood) to not have many medical troubles, for myself. My only surgery(not counting C-section) was a hysterectomy over 30 years ago. Unfortunately, my sweet husband & daughter were not so lucky. I used to do needlepoint several years ago, but the old eyes can't handle it now. I have had a necklace laid out on the beading board for months now, gathering dust, so need to finish that piece & move on. Have finally, I think, rearranged my family room to my satisfaction. Still need to hang my Zuni drums & my 40 yr. old painting of the cabin. My mother's oldest friend(long gone now) was an artist & painted it shortly after it was built.

So glad, Mary, that you are able to expand your practice & spread your wisdom while helping others.

Luv,

Karen

Ahhh, Harbor Freight, Kay. When their chain appeared in Arizona, Ron thought he was in "Tool Heaven". I'm sure that is why it ended up looking like the local hardware around my house. He had many nice Craftsman tools, also. Robert emptied the big red rolling tool chest yesterday for our yard sale. Haven't sold it yet, but people are interested. He's also advertized the "huge" 1150 lb. gun safe. One offer so far of a dirt bike plus money for trade, but we don't need a dirt bike. LOL

Wouldn't you know it! He got 2 days in a row off next week. Would have been perfect to go retrieve the rest of the stuff from the cabin, but those 2 days, rain is expected. It's so much cheaper to rent a small trailer than a truck. I didn't realize that he had towed one before with my truck & we already have the hitch, so will go that route when weather is feasible.

Got a big "whammy" when my expected retirement money didn't appear in my bank account. I thought the last payment was due in May, but found out that Mar. 1 was already the last one. I have enough funds for the house payment, utilities, insurance, & food, but that's all. Nothing for the many credit cards & medical bills, plus my current funds were supposed to pay 2 property taxes & my 2 upcoming new health ins. payments. So, I'm at a loss. In all my life, I've never been in a position where I couldn't at least pay all my monthly bills. Made enough from yesterday's yard sale to pay the license fee for my truck tags. Can't pay the cabin utilities, so will have to shut off the water & electricity & need to get cabin unoladed before then. What a damn mess!!!

I am so wiped out. Robert had to leave the yard sale at noon yesterday to go to work, so I had to put everything away alone. Silly, I know, but took me about 4 hours. There are so many heavy things that I had to do it in pieces. Work for 20 minutes, rest for 10. Getting old is hell!! He stopped by this morning to take down the tables(which are plywood sitting on sawhorse, not fancy, but adequate).

Waiting now for my daughter's surgery on Wed. & just hoping for a good outcome.

Not really ranting here, just relaying my less than spectacular day. LOL

Luv,

Karen

Mary,

Hope that your visit & drive is a peaceful one. When I am able to purchase a marker for Ron, I will go there again to honor his memory.

I am spending time deciding what pictures & collectibles to keep as I combine my two complete households. I have downsized my Madame Alexander dolls from 70 to 32 & my Kachinas from 35 to 12. Have sold most of the John Wayne things except collector plates(14) & DVD's(60). I plan to keep 4 plates & most of the movies, which I enjoy but can't bring myself to watch again, yet. I am also keeping my 5 handpainted Zuni drums. They are one of a kind. Each thing I let go takes away another little piece of "us", but I must focus on what I now have & not what once was. They are just items.

Going to the dentist tomorrow to finally get 1 bad tooth pulled & the other one repaired, hopefully. Doctor on Friday for bloodwork & followup. Don't know exactly what he's following. Will be interested to see if there is still microscopic blood in my urine. If there is, I have no symptoms. Just extremely tired all the time, which I attribute to stress.

Jan, I thought I posted this but couldn't find it. My grandson's girlfriend is from Barnsley(sp?), which looks to be about 90 miles from Spurn Point. She was not familiar with the Point. She is a student at Cambridge. She returned home last night after a week's visit.

Luv,

Karen

I must admit that I sit in a rolling kitchen chair at the computer & have terrible posture. Although I'm replacing it soon with the straight backed dining chair from the cabin, that one my be worse. When money permits, I may look at another type.

Wow, QM, you must be sooo stuffed up if you couldn't smell the cabbage. Ron used to make cabbage a lot & smelled up the whole house. Bet it tasted good though.

Kay, my first MIL & I were very good friends. I used to go to her house every day for lunch when I was still in high school. I always loved her green beans. My husband was away in the military & I was one of a handful of married high school students. I have not seen her since 2009 in Kentucky. She & my daughter are very close, but unfortunately dementia has taken over. My ex & I went to see her in the hospital back then & it was so cute. It was like she thought we were a couple & when we went to get some lunch, she asked me if I still liked green beans. There was still some of the old Elsie(her name) in there. I attempted to have a friendship with my son's wife & each of his long term girlfriends, but my results were like yours. There was never much conversation or feelings between us. Although, I visited with Ron's folks many times, his mother was just a little off & I never felt a closeness to her. In reality, she was very mean to him as a child & I could just never warm up to her.

Anne, I finally turned my air on. It is early in the year, but the house was just getting too warm & stuffy. Hope you are well.

Luv,

Karen

Peter,

Those four words you spoke in the beginning of your post say it all for me. Alone, haunted, in despair, & lost. How else could I feel after losing the person I spent the last 40+ years with? And yes, there are others who care, but they don't understand as we do here.

It has now been almost 11 months since I stood at Ron's bedside for 19 hours & held his hand as he took one less breath each hour. In my mind's eye, I still see him in the Hospice provided bed that was set up in my family room shortly before. He was not conscious & was kept pain free by the caring nurses. Having spent the last month in 2 hospitals trying to fight the sepsis brought on by chemo, he aspirated & was put on life support. All systems were failing. Knowing he would spend the rest of his "life" this way & knowing that he would have absolutely hated it, I made the hardest decision of my life, the one to remove him from life support. I was able to honor his wish of dying at home with the help of the Hospice group. Muddled as my thoughts are most days now, I barely remember what I did afterward, except that I know I kissed & hugged him goodbye. I went outside to smoke & standing by the side of the house, watched as the mortuary vehicle arrived. I will never forget the vision of them carrying him out in a black body bag.

I am so sorry that you, also have lost your soulmate. What a nice idea that you are taking up a new interest in tribute to your beautiful wife. I have yet to find much of interest. I am retired & on a short financial string, so try to occupy my time with family & errands. And of course, with the wonderful friends here & those at Cancer Survivors Network, of which I am a member. My daughter is also a cancer warrior.

Please share anytime. Some of us are night owls, not necessarily by choice. My sleeping pattern is completely upside down since Ron is not here.

Luv,

Karen

Well Chocoholics, I just finished eating a piece of German Chocolate cake & now sipping coffee after returning home from my 3 day journey around Northern Arizona. Got home around 9 PM. Drove my grandson & girlfriend to Grand Canyon & a couple of other "sights". Spent all day today packing some things at the cabin & then loaded the truck as full as we could with boxes & furniture. Then had to drive home & unload it all, so my poor house is cluttered even more until the next yard sale. The kids(because that's really what they are) were a big help in loading & unloading. So one final trip up there & I should be done.

Both of them seemed to enjoy the trip. They really did not spend much time with me, which was as it should be, I suppose. I'm afraid there is a huge generation gap between 18 & 67. It was probably the most silent road trip I've ever been on. I was not alone, but yet I was alone. I felt a bit like the odd man out. She had no qualms about paying for everything, but I did offer to reimburse her for a portion when I sell the cabin. It felt awkward to me to have the guest paying it all as I was not raised that way.

Talked to my daughter & her surgery is scheduled for Apr. 2. She has been told there is a big chance she will end up with a permanent colostomy, an issue which is terribly upsetting to her. She did not handle the temporary one back in 2008 very well. I know that many people live successfully with them.

Think I'll head for bed. I am one tired old grandma!

Luv,

Karen

Thank you Mary & Kay for the birthday wishes. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my nap overrode my casino visit. I laid down about noon & woke up at 7:30. Too groggy to go then anyway. Of course that means no more sleep last night. Must do a couple of errands today & pack a few things.

Brrrr! The weather report says it is 12 degrees in Flagstaff right now. For sure I'll have to get a few bundles of wood & bring the extra space heater from here with us. I only have 1 at left at the cabin. Used to have 3, but 2 pooped out.

Will head out in the morning & talk to you all when I return.

Luv,

Karen