KarenK

Jan,

I know what you mean about showering & smelling nice. That was one thing that Ron always noticed about me. I've never been a "fashion plate", but was always clean & had a neat appearance. Never a day without a shower. It's embarrassing to say, but because I leave the house infrequently & do nothing to get dirty, I may miss that shower for a day or two, but certainly shower before going out in public. I rarely use perfume & can barely remember the last time I put on makeup. During the last phases of his illness, I found makeup was just one more time consuming project & in reality, I don't look much different without it. If I was on the prowl, it would be different, but find this ol' cougar's claws are pretty well worn down.

Keeping our physical appearance up is something we must all do for our own self esteem even if we are not facing the public. It's probably been proven somewhere that if you look better, you will feel better.(There is a survey for everything, you know)

Genetically, on my mother's side, I inherited a more youthful appearance. She always looked much younger as do my son & daughter. Except for the dark circles under my eyes, I still look about 15 years younger than my age. The blond hair I was born with is still blonde, not gray. I think the gray is on the inside & the fact that I don't move as fast as I used to.

I have gotten a bit off the subject matter here, so I will defer to the next speaker.

Remember, we are all beautiful on the inside & remain so in the eyes of our spouses.

Luv,

Karen

Harry, hope you are warm once again & no pain will evolve. I'm supposed to have a tooth pulled on Thurs. but will cancel if the kid's Grand Canyon trip is on.

Yes, today is my birthday. I really have no definite plans. Another sleepless night, so will lay down for a while. Might take a few bucks(which I can't afford) & go to one of the casinos. We are surrounded by them. I am in this house 24/7 with the exception of necessary trips.

Anne, It is my grandson(not son) & his girlfriend who would be going to the canyon. Unfortunately, my son has to work. If not, he would also go & so would you know who, TATUM! It would be a complete zoo then. She is soooo big. I will be interested to learn how his girlfriend is adapting to her. Whenever I visit his house or he comes here with her, I wonder why I bothered to shower as she licks me to death. LOL

Luv,

Karen

I also miss the hugging, loving touch, & kisses. I learned to live without the physical sexual part a long time ago. Ron became impotent back in the late 90's due to yet another botched surgery & nothing could be done to correct it. In many ways, it was much harder on him than on me. So I must search far back in my memories to remember that part of it & there are few times I can remember back that far. I just learned to accept it.

I only look in the mirror to put on lipstick & comb my hair. I have wondered for 30 years who the woman with the endless dark circles under her eyes is. Living with, loving, caring for, & losing a chronically ill soulmate will do that to you. Somehow you wash that face & go on.

Luv,

Karen

Oh Kay,

How awful for you & for poor Arlie. I hope you have been able to coax him back into the house. Sending love & prayers to you both.

Luv,

Karen

Thank you Mary, for the music & the tribute. I am Irish by marriage. I KNOW some of it rubbed off on me over the last 4 decades.

I am very fond of the music of Turlough O'Carolan performed on the hammered dulcimer by Joemy Wilson. She used to appear at many arts & crafts shows during the 80's.

From the neighboring country of England, my grandson's "girlfriend" arrived tonight. She is attractive, very tall(as he is), & very quiet. This is her first trip to the U.S. Of course, I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming to meet 3 strangers in a foreign country that you are going to spend a week with. I know very little about her except that she is 18 years old, from Northern England & is a college student studying Molecular Biology at Cambridge, I think.

He asked if I would take them to the Grand Canyon later this week. It is 2 hours north of my cabin. I am mulling it over as I would be the sole driver, but could pack up some things from there & bring them home. That would make less things to "cart" home on my final trip & possibly avoid my renting a U-Haul. They would have to buy the gas & food. He has no concept of expenses & the general "wear & tear" on Grandma. So, will see how that plays out.

Love,

Karen

Anne,

I'm so sorry that you experienced this feeling of sadness today. I have also heard that many felt temporary anger toward the one that left us, but as Kay says, It's only the situation that angers you. At this point, I have felt no anger toward Ron. I am relieved that he is no longer in pain & that he is not here to experience the loss of our cabin, his beloved gun collection, our many beautiful collectibles, our lifestyle, & so much more. Most of all, our child. That is not to say that I will never feel this anger.

Although, I have always taken care of the financial matters, we have always had a tax preparer, so I haven't experienced filling out the return. I have had one occasion completing a doctor's sheet & marking the "widowed" box, which was strange.

The last time I got take-out from my favorite Mexican restaurant, there was a new cashier. I mentioned that my husband & I had been eating there for 40 years, but that he was gone now & that it was very lonely. She said that she & her boyfriend had broken up 3 months ago & she was very lonely also. Misunderstanding what I meant, she asked if our separation was a mutual agreement. I was taken aback for a moment before I found my voice & said "No, he died." I managed to get my order & leave before I started crying. Yes, all of you are right. It takes so little to bring on the sadness.

Snow AGAIN, Mary! Will it never end? It is in the mid 80's here.

Luv,

Karen

Kay, the pictures of your son's future home are great. That's the type of place that appeals to me. Hope someday to live where it is green & with some property. I called the realtor to list my cabin & he is sending me paperwork to get it started. One step closer to heading your way. Of course it will still be a couple of years. Will have to get rid of my son's condo & my house. Have to have something to look forward to.

Just sitting here watching some facebook videos, including the one Mary posted about "Cat & Dog Diaries". Too funny!

I got to thinking that somehow I have almost survived to the ripe old age of 67. My birthday is on the 18th & what a lonely day it will be. We always celebrated our birthdays at a local barbecue a few miles from here.(A free birthday meal) I might try & go alone, but I don't really care for eating out alone. The cost of gas there & back almost defeats the purpose of the free meal.

Times sure have changed with the young generation. My grandson(age 19) has an online female friend(age 18) who lives in England, somewhere near London, I think. She is supposed to be arriving here on Monday for a week's visit. I know nothing about her, but have seen a photo & she is quite pretty. I can't image letting my 18 year old daughter fly to another continent to spend a week with 2 men she has never met, so it will be interesting to see how this turns out.

Nothing new with my daughter. She has 2 more weeks to be eligible for surgery.

That's it from my little corner of the world. Need to try & get a little sleep. Was awake all last night.

Luv,

Karen

I often sit & think "If I could only turn back the clock," I'll bet many of you do that. But just how far would you turn back that clock? For with every twist of the stem, you might be erasing some wonderful memory. I would have to turn mine all the way back to age 17 so as not lose the birth of my beautiful daughter, but some of the strife & stress of the last 50 years would also come back with the happy memories & you know what happens when you alter even one tiny thing in history, it changes everything. So when I rethink it, it's best to leave it alone because I might never have met Ron or had my son or grandson. Does any of that make sense?

As Fae allows us into her heart with her wonderful "nattering", I am just expressing what is in mine.

Because each of us is a different personality, I have never thought once of not continuing on with my life. I am making the best decisions & contributions that I can. I do often wonder why I am still here & my Ron is not. He, who was so much more loving, talented, & wise than I will ever be. Or why my beautiful daughter has had to suffer so much in a time of her life that should have been beautiful & that I know, in my heart, she will be leaving behind too soon. Why her & not me? I cannot see that I have contributed to society even a fraction of what these 2 precious people have, yet here I am. So as you say, Fae, Life must be a gift & I will do my best not to sneer at it, even though there are times when it is a cruel gift.

Perhaps there is a purpose in my remaining behind & I just haven't discovered it yet, but I will keep searching. I know that there are some really horrible times coming for me & I will face them as best I can. My daughter has never "thrown in the towel" & I only hope I can follow her example.

Luv,

Karen

Now that one I can identify with! They missed the act where the cat sits on your lap & digs his claws into your legs. LOL No more cat on lap for me!

Karen

Anne,

How are you faring in the actual rain that we got? It's rained buckets here off & on all day. I stayed in & watched several dvd's from the library. One was a real tear jerker titled "The Fifth Quarter". It is a true story of a family who lost one of their sons in an accident. I almost cried several times, but still thought it was a good movie. I am still downsizing my huge dvd collection & as I was going through the 4 remaining cabinets, I pulled out a Kitaro concert, which I actually attended & Cher's Farewell Tour Concert, both of which brought back memories. I remember watching the "Red Shoes" as a child & thought it was wonderful. Unfortunately, I no longer remember the story line, but the title & actress stick with me.

The long awaited rain is nice. I'm sure my weeds are loving it. My cat, not so much. He tends to hide under the computer desk when it rains. LOL

Along with my 2 BP meds, I take a garlic pill. Have heard it is good for lowering BP.

Went to the dentist & he repaired my tooth, didn't pull it, but the repair job came off on Fri., so will call him on Mon. to try again to fix it. I told him that we need to quit meeting like this & that he's the only dentist I will ever let drill my teeth without novacaine. He's been my dentist for 40 years.

Talked to my daughter tonight & she is much the same. Just waiting for whenever surgery can be scheduled.

Today is my youngest grandson's birthday. He is nineteen. Where has the time gone? I remember being in the delivery room right after his birth & his tiny fingers curling around mine. I was his "Mom" for several years. Now he's over 6' tall & 200 lbs.

Hope everyone has a pleasant weekend.

Luv,

Karen

Hi Kay,

In Ron's case, yes, the ALA helped his diabetic neuropathy immensely. As with anything, it did not help my daughter's chemo induced neuropathy, although it helped other chemo patients. I thought you might give it a try. A 6 week supply is around $9. I know you watch your pennies, as I do.

The idiot doctor you saw should team up with my daughter's oncologist. He & her surgeon have never been on the same page. Today, he tried to talk her into trying a new chemo, knowing full well that she must be off chemo to prepare for the upcoming surgery, plus I know from other's experience that the "new" chemo has worse side effects than the current one. I have never liked the way he treats her from the beginning. To him, she's just another few thousand in his pocket. The surgeon, on the other hand, is compassionate & seems to actually care for his patient's well being. I know she has great trust in him & his judgement.

Am going to the dentist tomorrow to finally get my pesky tooth pulled, I think. I don't believe he can repair it. It's on the bottom left. I have one on the top right that needs to go also. I think my steak days are over. LOL

Jan, Kay took the words right out of my mouth. I think your picture is lovely, not sad, only pensive.

Luv,

Karen

Kay, you are "spot on". The nightmare of my dreams, frightening as it is, pales in comparison to the nightmare I am living. So much of my life is just "in limbo". As soon as I sell the cabin, the financial pressures will be somewhat abated for a while & that will be a great relief. Then I can go & just be with my daughter, without having to dwell on unfinished business. Of course, I may have to go sooner...............

Fae, I don't think I truly pictured what life would be like without Ron, either. Part of it was denial that he could possibly die & part was that I always felt I could take care of myself so well. After all, I had been doing many things around here, yard work, simple repairs, etc. for years. I had no idea that grief would take a toll on my physical & mental health. That, as you say, some days you barely make it out of bed or prepare food. I still find myself wanting to stick close to home, more so now than in the beginning, for some reason.

Kay, Ron was an insulin dependent diabetic for more than 25 years & had very bad neuropathy. Someone on CSN suggested taking Alpha Lipoic Acid for chemo related neuropathy so I bought it for Ron. It is inexpensive at Walmart & was the first thing that he ever found that helped. He had tried Neurontin & the like, but it didn't help.

Marty, thank you for the suggestions. I am going to get the Grief Dreams book on my next library visit.

Well, time to go read my mystery for a while.

Luv,

Karen

My favorite donut, Anne, but with just glaze & not the frosting. I like the ones from Bosa Donuts.

As for me, I am semi-celebrating the fact that my son finally found a job. Celebrating with a piece of chocolate cake & warmed over coffee. LOL Only semi as it is not much money, but will pay most of his bills as he continues to search for something more lucrative. We were setting up for tomorrow's yard sale when he received the call to start the job tomorrow, so no yard sale, which is fine with me.

I am tired, not physically I'm sure, but mentally from the constant stress of worrying about everything & everyone. I know many of you dream about your spouses. I rarely do. You would think that I might dream of my daughter & the nightmare she is living, but that's not it either. I have a frequently recurring nightmare in different scenarios concerning being lost, among strangers, & unable to speak. No intelligible words will form & I cannot write or type anything legible. I can't communicate to contact my family. It is a very frightening dream, the kind that stays with me long after I am awake. Today, I fell asleep in the recliner & just couldn't get out of that damn dream. I had to go the library & store & was almost disoriented trying to get around. I know the cause of this dream. It is a description of my poor mother's last 6 years on this earth. I am halfway intelligent & know that it is senseless to feel guilt for not being able to bring her home to live with us after her stroke. I just could not. I had to work & Ron could not physically care for her alone. But still, I have this dream. I don't know how to stop it. Sorry for the short novel written here, but just trying to explain how I am feeling.

Talked to my daughter this evening. She is really no better. She has an oncologist appt. on Mon. She will tell him "no more chemo", at least until this fistula has been taken care of. But she must keep him in the loop as she will still need the various meds, pain, etc. that he prescribes.

Hope everyone has a pleasant weekend.

Luv,

Karen

Hoping to soon hear that Mary's surgery was successful. She has been through so many sad times.

Luv,

Karen

Don't go pickin' on my cuddly furry friends, the wolves, now. Actually, they are my favorite animal, so magnificent. No real ones for me, but I have 2 statues in glass cases & a painting left in my collection, as well as about 10 wolf t-shirts. I have no doubt they ate the groundhog & would eat me too if they were hungry!

Luv,

Karen(aka Wolfen on the CSN forum)

Both of these are priceless!

When I read that Sid Caesar had passed away a few days ago, I decided to check You Tube for some of his skits. One I thought was so funny & clever is "The German General". If someone could post the link for me as I don't know how........... Listen carefully to the dialogue. I always loved the older, "cleaner" comedians.

Thanks,

Karen

Fae,

I was so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. It must be doubly hard when it is so unexpected. My BIL left like that when he was only 38. He was asleep when it happened. We just never know.

Please express my condolences to your friend, Kathleen.

Hope you are getting over your rotten cold.

Luv,

Karen

Thank you, Mary. There are just so many different plans with different coverage & premiums. The company is still going to subsidize the premium payments also up to about $200 from what I understand. Makes it even more confusing. Why would a person choose a zero premium plan with less coverage if you have $200 available for a better plan? I'm sure there's a hidden agenda here that I'm not seeing. There is a beacon in all this as we are working with a contracted company who specializes in these transitions to help choose, answer questions, & complete enrollment. I just like to have my ammo available to start the fight. LOL

I talked to Debbie tonight. She had seen the surgeon & said it was the first time she had ever seen despair on his face. Today's CT showed growth in all spots since previous CT done at liver stent time At least I think that was the comparison. I can't keep up with everything anymore. He offered to hospitalize her to bulk her up some & for fluids or gave her the option to go home, which she did. The fistula appears to be at her reconnection site & he is not sure he can fix it, but he will try. The size is unknown until he operates. Here she is at the "Dam#ed if you do, dam#ed if you don't" point again. She will have to stop chemo now for the surgery & be off for about 3 months. He feels sure that the chemo has caused this. Avastin is known for creating holes in intestines, & the 'I" chemo for diverticulitis. So with or without surgery, she is SNAFU. He did say that the leakage should stop when she no longer has diarrhea & has a firmer stool. I told her to ask him about probiotics to see if it would help her to be more regular. She is to call him on Friday if she is not feeling any better at all. Don't know what his plan is, except maybe hospitalize her.

So will know a little more on Friday.

Luv,

Karen

Hello All,

Just looking for opinions and/or our resident insurance guru, if we have one. As many others have done, my former company has decided to no longer be directly involved with supplemental health insurance for those of us on Medicare. I have received & tried to interpret(Ha, Ha!) all the new info. as well as attending an informational(NOT) meeting concerning this action. Have also been perusing the related website, trying to get a feel for the different plans offered in my area. There are 14 Medicare Advantage(which includes scripts), 10 Medigap(no scripts), & 10 Drug Plans. Mind boggling!! If you don't have a headache when you start reading, you will soon after.

My son is coming by Thursday to help me go through all this & try to make a choice, but in the meantime, I'm just wondering if any of you have experience with Medicare Advantage or Medigap plans & the pros & cons of each.

On another note, my daughter is in Louisville today getting a CT & waiting to see the surgeon.

Love,

Karen

Chris, I am here with you on this long night, not thinking so much about Ron, I guess, but about my daughter who is facing yet another demon courtesy of cancer. Of course. It would be selfish of me to wish his having to endure her suffering. He loved her so very much. But when he was here, it was a bit easier for me face her condition than to face it alone. I posted on the "Talking Heals" thread a few minutes ago because I am so very alone & just needed to "spit it out" to someone.

I knew you would probably be having a cruddy night also, & cruddy is putting it mildly, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I do not grieve for Ron as you do for Paula, only because my grief is overshadowed with sadness for my child, but I truly understand the grief & vast feeling of "being alone" forever. You & Paula had, & still have a very special relationship. We both know if our "loves" were still on this earth, they would still be suffering immeasurably. For this reason only, I'm glad Ron has been set free.

I too, have aged. I don't look in the mirror too often. My health has been worse this past year than it has in my whole life of nearly 67 years. It just doesn't seem to matter much anymore.

I hope some of this made sense. Wishing that each day somehow will become a tiny bit brighter for you.

Luv,

Karen

Dam#, dam#, dam#! Sorry, Marty, Mary, & anyone I may have offended, but that describes a tiny bit of the way I am feeling right now. Almost 2 AM & no more sleepy than.........

When I talked to my daughter last night, I felt the tiniest ray of hope. She sounded just a little bit better & had been able to get her original lower planned dose of chemo as her liver enzymes had dropped sufficiently. She is good at keeping things from me when she wants to, especially because we are not face to face. She had not wanted to add extra worry for me, so she didn't tell me that she has been having problems in the female area. If this were the cancer board, I would be more graphic, but will spare all of you the details except to say she may have developed something called "rectovaginal fistula". She finally called & told me today. Neither of us had ever heard of this & it is rare. If you google it, Mayo has a good explanation.

The on call surgeon will have her surgeon's office call on Mon. to set up a CT & appointment. There is just no "break" for her, even though I ask a higher power for one each day. It's likely that chemo has caused this & if so, I think she has reached the end of her rope. I just don't know what to do anymore. I always try to be so strong for her, but I am dying inside.

I know this is not the appropriate portion of the forum for this post, but you are my friends, & this is eating me up. I messaged 2 friends on the cancer board, but won't post it on the open forum as that is her call if she chooses .I guess I'll tell my son tomorrow. I know she is trying so hard to stay alive, & yet at every turn, she is smacked down. I know those of you who have lost loved ones to cancer can understand. Cancer took the love of my life & is doing it's best to take my child.

I know I am rambling, but am just so very distraught. Thank you for your prayers & listening to me.

Luv,

Karen

How right you are, HRH! I used to be much more outgoing. I seem to have become somewhat reserved, although I try to always be friendly to others, including strangers. I suppose even if I had friends to surround me, my side of the conversation would be less than interesting, as I am trapped in this tunnel where death is my main focus. Morbid, I know, but I can't seem to focus on positive things. I just know death is waiting in the wings for my girl.

She & I were again talking this evening about how much each of our lives has changed over the past few years. She & her hubby had a lot of friends(who weren't really friends at all). They went line dancing a lot & although they weren't young kids, they were newlyweds making a good life for themselves, their beautiful new home & around 9 horses, both having good jobs. Then WHAM!! Along came Cancer. In my case, Ron & I were rarely home, ate out most times, & traveled to a lot of interesting places. Now I just sit here, growing moldy. I know that I'm the only one that can change this situation, but just don't seem to want to go anywhere.

I didn't go to the cemetery. I feel so ashamed because there is no marker yet. The little plastic nameplate just makes me sadder. It feels like Ron is dishonored. I had to run to the grocery store for a few things. It was hard to ignore the fact that it was Valentine's Day as you were tripping over heart cakes on every aisle. I was fairly successful until I neared the front of the store where guys were rushing madly around buying roses, cards, etc. Then, of course the "blue" thought crept in that I would most likely never receive flowers or cards ever again. When I got home though, my daughter had sent me an online card. She is always so thoughtful. Even though she has never lost a spouse to death, I think she "gets it". Perhaps because she is facing her own mortality.

Because I don't have a FB account, I probably miss out on a lot, but as most of you, today I would not have minded. I had thought of looking at old cards from Ron, but decided against it. Right now, it's akin to cleaning out the closet.

There have to be better days ahead!

Luv,

Karen

Harry,

As I read your posts, I had this crazy thought. The thought that in some ways, grief & parenting are a lot alike. Both subjects have hundreds of articles & books written about them, yet until you have experienced the subject, you really have no clue. What if your experience does not fit any of the scenarios in those writings?

None of us are masters of grief. We can only act according to our hearts & minds. Don't beat yourself up for being angry. Whether any of us admit it or not, I'm sure we're all a bit envious of those who will have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with.

Luv,

Karen

Okay, my little chickadees. Look like Anne & I are going to have to bottle up the sunshine & mail it to each of you. We are heading for 88 degrees on Saturday.

Luv,

Karen

Anne,

I hear the frustration in your voice. It always amazed me how strange medications seemed to creep into Ron's files! Because he took so many & had a bevy of different doctors who changed dosages constantly, I kept a running daily list of everything to present at every appointment. Oft times, my lists went all but unnoticed. That is why it's so very important to speak up. Had I realized the Scottsdale doctors were responsible for completely removing his lasix for an entire week & finally restarting it at a quarter dose............. His heart doctor would have been furious, had he known, but he didn't practice at that hospital so was not in the loop.

Also, don't think that all doctors know about drug interactions with other drugs because some don't have a clue. Always check on drugs.com when you get a new medicine. The words Bumex & Lasix are quite different on paper although they are both diuretics & cause fast heartbeat. Do you take Coreg? I believe that was one of the meds Ron was on to regulate his heartbeat. Of course, that was in addition to his pacemaker/defib.

This is not to scare you, only to inform you. Ask the doctor what type of pacemaker & what type of leads would be used. Ron's pacemaker was Medtronics & was replaced with a newer Medtronics version during the 8 years he had it. He had no problems with the pacemaker itself, but the Sprint Fidelis leads used for the original placement were recalled for defects. After a time in ones body, they cannot be removed, but can be disconnected & replaced with good leads.

I don't personally know anyone else who has a pacemaker, although they are quite common. I have seen "pacemaker forums" on the net also if you are interested in reading about others experiences. I would definitely see if some of your meds can be changed to compliment each other before considering surgery, but that's just me. You know how I HATE doctors.

Please check back in when you can & remember I am nearby.

Luv,

Karen