liljo

Dear Marty, It's me again, I am just panicked at the stupid thing that I had said. How could I be so ignorant ? Now you can see why I never make posts ! I am so very sorry. I have never read the past posts of so many members, so I had no idea of your loss. Also, I apologize to all the members that love Marty so much - I know that my statement hurt you also. I won't be able to function today, until I hear from Marty that I am forgiven. Jodi

Dearest Marty, My most sincere apologies to you. I am so,so very sorry. I had no idea that you had lost your child. This breaks my heart, and makes me cry at my ignorance. I think the loss of a child is probably the most similar to losing a spouse ( though I don't know ) Please , please forgive me. Love, Jodi ❤

Thank you Mary . My situation is even worse than some, because I don't even have children to help me through this, AND , a couple of weeks ago my 23 year old cat died in my arms. He was my "child". So, now even MORE loneliness and heartache. Ok, so you want to hear of us "trying" to make our lives better ? Well, a few days ago I drove ( with my Mother) 3100 miles (round trip) up to Minnesota just to buy an OLD camping trailer !! This was a BIG deal. All my friends and family were patting me on the back for such a courageous step. Well, guess what - it was one step forward, and 1000 steps backwards. Yesterday, I actually sat down in the dirt outside my house , and bawled like a baby., and yes, I said out loud - I can't do this, I can't go on like this. Believe me, I "try", but nothing means anything without Bill by my side. I can't help the way I feel. Perhaps I'm mentally "not all there" ??? I thank everyone for their suggestions, and I'm sure they would like to shake some of us like a rag doll, but I am who I am. I'm not being "stubborn", I just can't seem to get a grip on this overwhelming loss. I probably won't write anymore. I don't want to " frustrate" anyone. By the way- Marty still HAS her husband , right ? ( just sayin') Jodi

Hi everyone, I haven't written in awhile, I usually just read the posts daily. I am not attempting to "speak" for Chris, and Heidi in this post, I am simply putting in my "two cents", and coming to their defense. First of all - I am in the SAME boat as they are ( not wanting to live without my Bill). I don't know how you can say that they don't "add" anything to the site - They both help ME daily , by knowing that I am not ALONE, or " crazy", for feeling like I do. I don't think that they are harming anyone by saying that they wish they could die. It's not "contagious" - people either feel that or they don't . I feel like I don't want to go on also, yet we, ( Chris , Heidi, and I ) are still here, still alive, still getting up everyday, and struggling to deal with the chores of everyday life. I think we deserve great credit just for that ! The poem that Marty sent was nice, but actually it made me CRY. My grief, and missing Bill's "physical" presence is too fresh right now, and I can NOT think of him as just being "in my heart" . It's not enough for me at this time. And, the piece from the woman "A lesson from the heart", Nice, but no help - that woman's son is still ALIVE. Perhaps there should be a separate forum for those like us, that find "living" is too painful, after losing our spouses ?! That way, others can choose wether to look at it or not ? Also, perhaps someone here can suggest another grief support group that might be better suited for us ? Do you know what you are doing to the ones ( like me) that feel like this ? You are pushing us further into a Dark ,lonely , isolation. I now feel like we are "orphans". By the way, I took everyone's advice , and started seeing a grief counselor - I've been maybe 6 times. It's not helping me at all. The good thing though, is I can say to her numerous times that I " don't want to live without Bill'", and I am not scorned for it. Ok, that's all for now. I apologize to Heidi, and Chris - they may not agree with a thing I have said here. I just know that I took what was said to them very personal, and I wanted to tell them , that I understand exactly how they are feeling, and I THANK them for helping me to "go on" Love, Jodi

Hello Everyone, I am making a brief post, just to get back in the "loop". I read a lot of posts daily, but just don't know what to write . I am not as "articulate " as all of you ! So, I had an idea today - maybe I could just write a sentence or two once in awhile ! Today was the 3 month anniversary of losing my husband Bill . (As you may have read on Chris's thread , I , like Chris and Heidi, am still struggling daily to go on, and am still REALLY messed up). I did finally find a counselor ( an hour from where I live) that may be able to help me ? My Appt. is Friday. I need her to help me with the horrible flashbacks that I suffer from . I don't believe though that she , nor ANYONE can help me with the loneliness I feel ? I hope that all of you who were so kind to me in the first weeks , will forgive me for not writing each of you back. I guess you all understand that it's hard to do ANYTHING at all sometimes. I'll be back again soon, and meanwhile I'll keep reading . Love and hugs to you all, Jodi

Dearest Fae, My name is Jodi, I've only ever made a few posts. My husband (Bill) died three months ago today. I just remember the beautiful post that you wrote to me a couple weeks after losing him. It was so comforting, and felt like a big hug. I'm sending that great big hug back to you now. I just read about all of this yesterday, I was so shocked, and sad. From what little i know about you though, you have a strong , amazing spirit, and will get through all this just fine . I really can't imagine what it must be like not having Doug to help you. It made me think about that for the first time - I was there to hold Bills hand all through his illness, but, I will have no one when something happens to me. It's so wonderful that you have this big , beautiful "family" here to love and support you ! In a few weeks , when you are rested and feeling better, I would love to talk to you about Art ! Bill and I had made our living for 25 years selling our Art, Now I am unable to go near the studio, therefore I can't paint, and have no income. You ,being an Artist might have some suggestions ? Well, for now - stay strong, get rest, and get WELL ! Sending you Love, hugs, and "healing light" ❤ Jodi

Hello Chris, This is Jodi ( Jo), I haven't posted for weeks, but read everything daily. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you on these difficult days, and to let you know that I am going through the same thing - it will be 3 months tomorrow ( the 14th) that I lost my Bill. As you know quite well, all the days leading up to the "actual day", are just as excruciating . I am still in extreme pain, I feel just like you (and Heidi) do, and find it hard to get through each day. I wish I could trust others that say it will get better, but it's SO hard right now. Thank you for helping me ( just by knowing that someone else feels exactly like I do ). Take care Chris, I will try to muster up the strength to write again soon. Jodi

Hi Chris, I haven't posted anything for almost a month, but I read your thread everyday. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you all weekend . . The 14th was the 2 month anniversary of losing my Bill. I can completely understand how you are feeling. I'm falling further and further into isolation. Nobody understands. I don't want to talk too much about my pain, because I don't want to make you feel worse. I just wanted to say that I can relate to every word you write. I hope to find the energy to make some posts soon, but for now, I'll continue to just read. I hope you were able to get a little sleep over the weekend ? Looking forward to hearing how you are doing. Jo

Hi again Chris, I was in the middle of writing another post, and it just disappeared ! I have no idea where it could have gone ? I just wanted to say that - I was reading your earliest posts, and realizing that it sounds exactly how I am feeling a month into this. My Bill and I, were just like you ,and your Paula. - "inseparable". We were together for EVERY minute of 27 years, and we lived in our own little world . I know that some people find love again, but I never will - I made a promise of that to Bill, and I meant it . I know of course that he would want me to be happy, but he was the Love of my life, and could never be replaced. That's what makes this all even harder - knowing that this is my new reality, "alone", now and for all the ( miserable) days of my life I just that read that your Paula was only 59, just like my Bill. Why ? , and How, could two beautiful ,happy, loving persons ( and SO young) have been taken from us ? ( as you can tell, my "anger" is surfacing) Well, I better stop writing for now. Talk to you soon, Jo

Good morning Chris, Thank you for asking about how I was yesterday. I thought I would just watch TV all day, to distract myself, but it seemed that EVERYTHING that was on, was talking about Valentines Day, and LOVE ?, so there was no escaping it. I did make myself a pasta dinner, and had a glass of wine, then spent the rest of the night looking at things on eBay ! ( that could get to be an "expensive" distraction !). How did you spend your day ? I'm so glad that you had that experience at group the other night , I need to join a local group soon. I would love the chance to just "open up", and cry, and get it all out there to someone "in person" I think the hardest thing for me right now, is that I feel like no one is hearing ( seeing) my intense pain - I can write about it on this site, but that's not quite the same as someone seeing me actually "wailing" ! I think that's why I have withdrawn from friends, I just feel like they don't understand, and it's too hard to try and explain it to them. Do you see your children very often ? Does it help a bit ? Bill and I had no children, so, all I have is my dog, and cat . ( well, and my Mother is nearby, which helps) I am going to go with my Mom and her friends today , to lunch, and then a "craft" class. This is a big deal for me, I hope I can hold it together ? ( but if I don't , no big deal ! I'm getting pretty used to crying and breaking down in public these days !) Are you going to work on your car a bit today ? Hope so ! ? Well, I hope your weekend is good ( as it can be). Jo

Hi Chris, and everyone , I just wanted to say sorry that I'm not able to write today. I'm already dreading tomorrow, as it is the one month anniversary (14th), AND Valentines day. It's just too much to think about, I wish I could just sleep through the whole day ! Love, and hugs to you all, Jo.

Hi Anne, Just wanted to say Good luck at your Appointment tomorrow, I hope all goes very well. ❤ & hugs ! Jo

Dear Chris, I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult night. I wish I knew the right things to say , that would help you ( like you have helped me) I unfortunately do not have the gift of "writing" , I guess that's why I don't make many posts. ( I'm not good with words, and always afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing.). You are SO articulate Chris, I really enjoy reading all of your posts. That is really great that you restore old cars !, Are you working on one right now ? Bill and I were old car fanatics ! We owned about three different ones, at different times, and we LOVED going to old car shows ! When we didn't have an old car to drive around in, we felt empty. In your class , are you learning welding ? ( or maybe you already knew how to weld ?). Bill taught himself how to weld, and made very simple rustic sculptures, that he sold at Art shows, He was a painter before that, and we both made a living from our art for 26 years. I'm sorry if it seems like I am "rambling" about things ! I just wanted to write about something lighthearted tonight, I know you're feeling sad tonight, and I don't want to add to that. I will write again tomorrow ( I still need to properly reply to your last letter !) I hope you're feeling a little better than you were earlier ? , and I hope you can sleep well. Jo

Hello again Chris , Yes, Mary and Kay were right when they said that you offered me some great help, and healing words. I felt better after reading your letter, and tried to do some things today that you spoke about . For starters, I made myself sit with Bill's photo, and I talked to him. Then throughout the day I tried to make small changes in my thinking. I had been scared to be in the same room with his ashes. I had set the box down when I brought it home, and haven't even been able to look at it. He had made a very artistic little "house" out of metal, that he wanted his ashes to be put in ( I will post a picture soon). I haven't been able to do that yet, but, today I made a small step - I spent time in the room, cleaned it up a bit, opened the curtains, etc. Maybe soon I can make that next step. I absolutely loved hearing about Paula's signs ! ( and About Bill's signs to Mary). I think if I could start receiving more signs it would give me great comfort. I had a strange night last night - I couldn't sleep, and at 1:30 am, I heard FOOTSTEPS on our front porch !! ( I'm not talking about the spirit kind, I mean the scary human kind !). Our house is in the middle of the desert, so this was VERY frightening. They lasted for about a minute. I just laid there petrified, and figured I would just stay awake all night long. The next thing I knew , I had dozed off and dreamt of Bill ( the first real dream of him in the month that he's been gone) in the dream he walked into our room, and I was thinking "what is he doing here, he's dead ? Then he just walked towards me, never said a word, and just held me in his arms ! Sadly, I woke up right away, but that dream brought me great comfort ( I'm hoping that he did that somehow, because he knew the great fear I was feeling about hearing the footsteps, and being all alone ?) What kind of classes are you taking ? I admire you for having the motivation to do that. I may take a little class on Saturday with a sewing group, it will be a big step - honestly I don't really like being around people AT ALL right now. When I'm not visiting my Mom, I just stay in my own little world here at home , watching my old movies, and some of the British shows like Downton Abbey ( that Bill and I loved SO much ) Did you (or anyone reading this ), find that "food" brought about painful thoughts ? Bill and I loved cooking together, and so much of what we did was food centered. I can't stand opening up the pantry full of the foods that he loved eating. I don't even want to enjoy any food now, because he can't . Well, I'll probably think of more to say later .... I Thank you again for taking the time to write such a long, and very helpful letter ! I hope you sleep well tonight. Jo

Dear Chris , Thank you so very much for your beautiful reply. I am going to write back a little later, I have to take care of a lot of things today : ( I just sat down to have a coffee break, and found your reply, so wanted to acknowledge it . ( I think that it will help me get through my day !), So , I Thank you again, and I will talk to you soon. Jo