ADH

Thank you so much. It is hard for me to read as well. I did watch A Rumor of Angels. I cried a lot, but maybe that is a good thing. Thank you, Marty. I should take the introduction to grief course on line. I forgot about that. I am not sure what is best for now. I guess it just keeps changing each day. I know that coming here and facing the grief is better than trying to hide from it. I was trying to dodge it for a while by staying busy. It is so hard to get focused and to get back into life. Not having someone that really loves me the way he did is an empty feeling. It sounds like George was the love of your life, KayC. I read one of your responses and it broke my heart to hear your story. Thank you for sharing your story and your advice. It is comforting to know that others understand how much this hurts.

Hi Tableforone: I am so sorry for your loss. It has been six months since my husband passed and I remember being three weeks in and it was really harsh. I am not having an easy time now, but I wanted to express how sorry I am. I have only been on this site for a short time, but I hope you find it as comforting as I have. There is a lot of information here and some very kind people that can walk with you on your grief journey. I feel for you and I hope you can find some comfort here. Audra

Thank you, Marty. You have so much information. It is not easy to just relax and take it easy. Each day is so different with emotions, but this gives me an opportunity to try to get my mind off of myself and how bad I feel. I appreciate it! Audra

I am spending the day getting caught up with school, but I am home all evening...as always now. I am trying to do something nice for myself...to try to feel better. I am so lonely and sad. Is there a movie anyone could recommend? I have a hard time watching TV to relax, since everything reminds me of my husband. It is so sad because I never feel good, joyful or content. I know there are some movies on grief. I am not sure if that is the answer. I thought someone might be able to recommend something I could watch this evening. Something hopeful that you have watched maybe? I sent a note to Mary and she suggested life after life movies as a possibility. Thank you.

Thank you so very much! A

Oh boy. You have been through a lot and I see you have come through a lot. I appreciate your encouragement. It really does seem like it is possible to burst with pain. The way grief comes and goes does make it feel like going crazy is a possibility. It is good to know that it is normal. I was so hoping that there would be a timeline, but I understand it is not realistic. Congratulations on becoming a Grandmother! That is incredible news. There are good parts of life....that is for sure. I am so glad to be here and to go through this with such kind people. Thank you.

Thank you, Marty. Being a light for me and providing comfort and resources is very much appreciated! I will gladly take it! Thank you! Audra

I read the following under 5 "common experiences of grief." Initial awareness and safeguarding are the first two. Restructuring/restoration and growth are the last two. The middle is "Awareness-Anguish and Despair-These intense periods of grief happen as the full significance of the loss is realized. Awareness is grief's darkest hour. Periods of awareness include intense waves of longing, loneliness, anguish, despair and sorrow." This seems to be where people are that are coming out of the fog...around 6-12 month period. Is there a way to get to restructuring and restoration? This is beyond painful and hard to function. Every day tasks seem to be impossible to get through or even start. Is there anything we can do to get to restoration in a smoother or easier way?

Welcome Sue. I am really sorry to hear about your loss of your husband, Al. I lost my husband six months ago yesterday. The fog starts to lift and the pain can be beyond overwhelming. I thought I had control over it until I hit this mark. I realized that I was actually doing better in the fog. I have only been on the site a short time (a week maybe) and I find it to be incredible comforting. I am so glad that you have found a group that works for you. I did the same thing, but I found that coming here more often(daily for me) helps with the pain. The moderators do have some great resources that help in this journey. I wish I had more to offer you in words. I will certainly say a prayer for you. I am a Christian, but I have had a difficult time in that walk after this loss. I had to smile when I read what you stated about God thinking you can handle more that you actually can. I understand that. I hope it is healing for you to return here often. Audra

I am so sorry about your Dad and I appreciate what you said about forgiving oursleves. I have said "I'm sorry....I am so so sorry" and it is not working and I agree, suffocating to not forgive myself. They are tough thoughts. I started to write a letter to Harvey and I plan to sit at his grave and read it. I was reading about the awareness stage and I realize that I am in it. I guess we bounce around through stages and it comes back around sadly. Have you tried some of the meditation that was recommend? I tired it last night. It did seem to help. I thought there was no way I could sit and focus on anything other than pain. I do not know if meditation is recommended a month after someone passes...I think so. I beleive it was Mary (and in the older posts) where she mentions that she wished she would have done meditation during Bill's illness and death. I know it sounds like a teardrop on an inferno of pain, but it did help me when I finally tried it. Under your interests, you added that you are willing to talk to anyone that needs you. I want you to know how valuable you are and that we need and appreciate you. We all need each other, and I was so touched and blessed to receive your advice.

Thank you!! This is wonderful information!!

Absolutely! I am sure George was an amazing man. We miss them. That is for sure.

Thank you, Mary!! I really apprecaite your time and guidance. Warm thanks, Audra

Hi Enna: Thank you for the information link. I do need to try to get a handle on my emotions. I can also see how reading about these things will help...thank you so much. I have been in Chicago for 15 years. I loved it for a long time, but the pace and winters are getting to be a little much. I never thought I would say that. Harvey sure made it warm and fun for a really long time. It sure does change everything doesn't it? -Audra

That makes a lot of sense. I am still in the working world and finishing my degree after the loss of my husband. I have thought about changing careers, so I do not have to face people that know how much I am hurting. I am not an expert in loss, but I know (from experience) that trying to put on a show and not allowing yourself to grive can prolong the suffering. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Father. 22 weeks is not long. The anniversary dates can really bring back the pain in the loss. Thinking of you. A

It is surprising to me to learn how many widows and widowers ended up dealing with this alone. Hospice and caregivers were the only helpers for you as well...I guess I was naive to expect support or help from his family. It is starting to sound normal to not really expect that support. I am sure that also takes a toll on the person left behind. I really like the quote above..thank you for that. I feel better with the more I learn about the grieving process. The fast paced life in Chicago has not proven to make it difficult to be still and patient with myself as well. I am having a difficult time not looking back so far. You are absolutely right, it does not help anything. I do hope that I can reach a place of acceptance with Harvey dying and building a new life. I think this is simply going to take a lot more time than I had imagined. It makes perfect sense now that the fog is lifting. Harvey was a wonderful man and a great husband and soul mate. I know we all miss our loved ones so very much in all of the stages of this grief and loss. Thank you...A

That is absolutely true....thank you! Harvey was so kind and appreciated everything I did. I apologized to him when he was in hospice for the times I let it get the best of me. He shrugged his shoulders, and said that it was "no big deal." I loved that man!

I really appreciate your kind words. I am glad to hear that this is not unusual. My friends at 45 think they understand, but they have no idea. I am so glad there is a place like this to express our grief. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered as well. This is a difficult journey and I know the caregiving was a hard process. I was trying to rush the grief and plow through as quickly as I could. I will definitely write a letter to Harvey. Harvey and I had four rescue kitties. Three kitties (including Mattie) and Harvey died within 16 months. I still have sweet Chester and I have to appreciate that. I need to read more about replacing guilt thoughts with positive thoughts. I kind of understand the power of imagination and thought patterns, but not to the extent that you explained. If there is a resouce you could recommend to understand that more, I would appreciate it. Thank you again.

I lost my Dad at a young age and before I got married. I did not feel exactly that way when my Dad passed but I had to be careful about dating. I did not try to replace my Dad so to speak, but I did try to add a man into my life to replace my Dad's advise, his kind words, someone to compliment and encourage me, someone to earn approval from, etc. I think women are very vulnerable after losing their Father. My husband just died, and I am very vulnerable in general. I am in my early 40's, so I am staying away from the dating world for a solid year before even thinking about it. I wish I would have done the same when my Dad passed. It is not the same for everyone, but I found that I was needy and desperate after my Dad passed and not in a position to make good choices about dating until I could heal more. I had to learn that the hard way. I just added a post about gulit. It is supposed to be the most destructive emotion. It is really hard to lose a Father, especially at a yound age. I am so sorry for your loss, and I do hope that you are able to come to terms with the guilt. I know that one of the grief counselors added some informaiton to the web site about dealing with guilt.

My husband died in April this year. It has been so incredibly difficult. I have read about guilt in some of the other posts. I am not sure why this is so profound six months later, but I feel guilty for the things I did not do, the things I said, the times I lost my patience, out of total frustration with the doctors, caregivers, the insurance companies, etc. I feel like I have been through a war. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with guilt and dealing with the trauma of everything leading up to that as well? We also lost our kitty of fourteen years. She died six days before my husband after being ill. I did not have any family or support system when he was ill. His children refused to help. I think the reality of him passing and the trauma of his illness is becoming a reality. After such a huge effort on his part and mine, he still died. His family and friends have moved on....I am stuck. Thank you, A