HisWife

I know it's only been 10 months that I've been adjusting to this new "normal" life but I must say, I really don't like it. Melina mentioned in a different post that she is just plugging along. That's exactly how I feel most of the time. I was talking to my priest and told him I really didn't fully understand the part of the wedding vows that said, "and two shall become one." But I realize I don't feel just right because part of me is gone. Al and I truly did become one. My priest said I should take comfort in that because not all married people have that deep of a love. I guess that might be true because I can't imagine ever being in another relationship because ours was for a lifetime and my life is still going on. But a work friend who lost her husband in April was so excited to tell me that she's dating someone and that I should try it because it helps to forget. I realize everyone handles grief differently but that almost broke my heart for her. I'm sure my feelings will change as my journey of widowhood continues and I get over the holidays but I just don't like the thought of just plugging along.

Harry, I'm not sure how you are functioning with all that you've been hit with. Know you are in my thoughts, and I hope you take time to care of yourself so you have strength to help others. Sue

Harry, what a beautiful way to remember Jane. Your words are beautiful. Sue

Kay, have you heard anything from the doctor? Are you feeling any better today? Sue

My experience has been that you must take care of yourself first before even thinking of doing anything else. So rest, make sure you're eating and doing whatever you feel up to doing. Their is no set timeline for anything in the grief journey, so take whatever time is needed, but you must take care of you first. Comfort and peace to you. Sue

Deborah, know you are being held up and comforted by all of us here. I know Larry is watching over you and embracing you this day. Sue

Kay, I, too am glad you have someone checking on you. It's very frightening being alone with an undiagnosed medical concern. Please keep us posted. Hugs and prayers. Sue

It's now 6:30 where I am and I've been up since 4:30. While we all know we have good days and bad, it still catches me off guard when I awake knowing it's not going to be a good one. I've come to realize that I may think I have total control over my thoughts but really my thoughts have control over me sometimes. Someone mentioned in a previous post about going through health issues w/o their loved one there for support. I'm going through that too. All kinds of tests and lab work have come back within range, "for my age" so that brought me relief for a few weeks. Now I've developed a hand tremor. Going back to the doctor this week for that. I just want Al's arms around me during these appts calming my fears. I realize that's no longer possible and it just makes me really sad. Please keep positive, calming thoughts for me this week, as I will for each of you.

I agree with Kayc that, although difficult on some days, the day's a little better if I can find something positive or joyful. I've never seen a herd of Elk but I have seen a gaggle of geese walking across a busy road and all the cars stopped to let them go by. Sounds trivial but it brought a smile to my face, which I really needed today.

Oh Linda, six weeks into this is still so raw emotionally. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband and how your heart is aching. I'm 9 months into grieving over the loss of my husband and I was trying to recall my feelings at six weeks and it's really difficult. As people have stated, you're in a fog most of the time it seems like; and although you make it through each day somehow, it's hard to remember what actually occurred during the day. I thought I was handling my grief pretty well until I hit the 6-7 month mark. The veil of denial seemed to have lifted and I was hit hard with the reality that Al would not be returning. I found out from others on this site that that seems to be a common timeframe for reality to set in mainly because all the "busy work" that follows a loved one's death and cards and phone calls seem to cease and we are left with just our thoughts and now undeniable grief. I can honestly say, though, that at nine months, while I still have some awful days, I can see the sunrise again and appreciate the beginning of a new day a little more often than I did at six weeks. I hope you find comfort from this forum as you continue on this never-ending journey of grief. -Sue

Hi Annlou, I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband on April 10. I know you hear, and have heard, that same sentence from so many people on this unwanted journey. The difference when we, from this forum say it, is that it comes with a true deep sorrow that we all understand from feeling the heartache and despair of losing our beloved. Your husband's death would have been Al and my 31st wedding anniversay, but he passed away in February. We have all found this site because we needed to find this site - a place to come for solace, for venting, for affirmation and for comfort. It is so important, I have found, to learn about grief and Marty has provided those much needed resources throughout this site. If you haven't explored the site fully, may I suggest that one night when you can't sleep (most nights for me), you take some time for exploration? Annalou, I hope you find rest, comfort and peace today as you continue on your journey knowing that you have all of us thinking of you today. Sue

Hi JLLSAH, I, too, am a newly "exposed" member although I've been in the silent majority since my husband passed away in February of this year. I have found great comfort here, as I hope you will also. While no one would volunteer to be a part of this group, we all havecome her to find strength and understanding from others who know what we are going through. You are right that losing someone we so deeply love is "unfair." It will be common for you to experience statements made by individuals who have not gone through such a heart-wrencing experience who say things in hope of comfort, but instead causes us to think, "did they really just say that?" My husband and I were married 31 years and he was 18 years older than me. One of his relatives recently made the comment, "Well, you had to realize that with your age difference, you would probably out-live him." As you mentioned in your post, it's not the length of time we were together or the ages we were when they departed but rather the depth of our love for our lost one. I hope you will come here often to find comfort for your broken heart. Sue

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind and supportive responses. I'm in awe of some of you who are just in the infancy of your loss (6 weeks) that you are able to function let alone provide comfort to others. Thank you. As I mentioned earlier, the wave of grief really hit the hardest around the 6 month mark. It now has been 8 months and I can tell this will be a journey of sunrises and darkness. I've taken some steps that have helped me to reduce the stress level, the major one being that I've decided to give up my part-time job as a technology educator. While it's only part-time, technology changes so rapidly that I found myself constantly stressing over trying to find, learn and teach the latest advances to my students. I just can't do this any longer. So I created a calendar of my teaching days left until May and I cross them off after completion. I'm down to just 73 days. As silly or as simple as this sounds, it has brought me great comfort to think of "just so many days" left as opposed to 8 months left. I am so very blessed that Al provided well enought that I am able to make this decision. The hardest aspect of my grief right now, I think, is just feeling overwhelmed at the amount of decisions I must make. So when I was able to make this decision, the day seemed a bit brighter. I wish all of you peace this day; and if you are reading our stories, know that comfort abides here. Sue

Although this is my first post, I feel as though I know a lot of you already. I can't tell you the number of times I either couldn't go to sleep or woke up early and found comfort and strength in reading your posts. It's when the dark appears and the silence is deafening that I seem to feel the worst about losing my husband, Al, on February 2 of this year to a fast growing, rare form of cancer - Double Hit B Cell Lymphoma. We would have been married 32 years this past April. As most of you have or are currently experiencing, I'm on my 8th month of the first year of "firsts." This just seems like being hit twice - the grief of his death and the grief of his non-presence at things that are celebrated. I have joined a grief support group, which I look forward to weekly. Some of the people that attend are much further along in this unsolicitated journey than I and I can definitely hear the progression in their grief stages; and the one common remark I hear is that the feelings are not as raw the further one is on the journey. I find myself, however, having these raw feelings more now than when his death first occurred. I attribute this to the fact that, as a Christian, I believe that God knew I couldn't handle everything at once and is now metering my emotions back to me as I am able to handle them (although a lot of times, I think He thinks I can handle more than I think I can). As I mentioned earlier, I have been reading your stories for several months and felt comfortable now becoming a member and sharing my journey of grief with each of you. Thank you for being there. Sue