scba

Unexpected. A Queen devoted to her country till the very last moment of public service, two days ago with the new PM

I noticed that some people who seem to be talking to you..... are just talking to themselves. It is very evident when the subject is (your) grief.

Many asked about me to my mum and they claimed they have been "present and worry". But I was alone. 

21 minutes ago, kayc said:

I feel the same, so blessed to have had George!  It's a miracle that we even met!  All started with me writing a letter to the newspaper!

I met him at the bus stop. 

2 hours ago, Sheemie said:

 I spend alot of time thinking about how God made such a person to love someone like me.

I totally relate here. In two weeks it's going to be 8 years. How can it be? I am wearing today the jacket I wore when he died. I ponder about what it means today. 

I spent a lot of time thinking if God would bless me twice in my life and I couldn't find facts for that to be the case. Why He would do that? I'm not talking about deserving this or that...

Using your words.... Who is the one out there that would love someone like me who didn't ask for it cause none of this should have happened in the first place? 

I got mad at my boyfriend, sometimes, for leaving me alone in this life. I feel emotionally tired today but I still have things to do. He never showed up to make his case. I stopped waiting. Grief feels like is going around in circles with silence as an answer. 

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 we cannot escape those visions.  💕

That phrase... I won't ever be able to escape the vision of my boyfriend in life support and the three seconds in which I felt Death being right there, I swear I felt it in my own flesh and bones. 

1 hour ago, Sheemie said:

Idk how many months before I could even stand to watch TV because I was am so angry at myself mostly but society too. The only show I could stand before bed to unwind was the great British baking show. 

I could only stand watching Game of Thrones and House of Cards, first seasons. No justice, no love, no fairness and no reminders from my life. Nothing to relate. 

To refer to that early months and first years I tell: During my GoT phase....

(I quit watching from season 5 I could not stand the death of a child burning at a stake.... enough, just too much). I moved to cooking shows. 

Letting aside buying a home (don't know where tbh)

and if there's enough money to stop working...

What I would do is to pay the tuition fee to study abroad. I would get degrees in all the fields I'm interested in.

On 4/19/2022 at 5:41 PM, Marg M said:

Made her call her doc twice and the PA who answers his calls twice made her feel better mentally.  We should have studied the pain med, it is an opiate.  She is retired nurse and I'm retired transcriber, so we should have done more ourselves.  She was hurting so.  She has a strong antibiotic (allergic to most antibiotics), but the urinating is easing up and I had the pain meds to her early this morning.  He is a GYN doc so he did some work from vaginal site too.  I would like to say she is a lot better today.  I have her car here, so the stubborn offspring of mine can't go anywhere (except Scott's truck is there).  She is so hard to hold down and never wants to be still and give into pain or illness.  Maybe the Ultram will let her sleep.  As of this afternoon, with the pain at a lot less a problem, and the urinating not as big a problem, I think (I'm hoping) she has in bed therapy rather than "retail therapy" which is her favorite therapy.  She has flowers and bushes growing all around the mobile home, a bird water/bath, a half dozen bird and hummingbird feeders, maybe she will just watch from the window from her bed.  She does not need to be bending, but she still likes to play in the dirt.  

I spent time with her and Scott this morning, I talk to each one at least once a day but got many hugs and sent her back to bed.  Her poodle is 12 years old now and her back legs ae not strong.  She is used to sitting on Kelli or next to her, and sleeps at her head.  

Did you all know most of us are an OWL?  Not to get racist or anything, but "old white lady" fits me to a T.  

Kay, I can't imagine the pain your daughter goes through for so many months.  My two cousins have been told that they need help with their over 80-year-old husbands.  One has Parkinson's and the two doctor sons are making my cousin get an inside helper and somehow we get rigid around 80 anyhow.  My other cousin's husband is losing weight, had teeth trouble (can't imagine having teeth), and his ankles are giving out.  Honestly, sometimes even WD-40 does not help.  Take care Gwen, I know your still having a hard time.  The rest of you, take care of yourselves too.  I think we are better.....some.  Thank y'all for thinking of us.  I know my kids are middle aged people, but they are, and as long as I live, will stay my babies.  

Hello Marg. Hope you are well. You are missed in your thread.

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

I fear that I will go into regression, forget all I ever learned, not having  my soulmate to share my daily life with, discussing problems, suggesting advice together for our kids, I'm completely useless now. If you break up a team, especially the guide, what's left? 

Take care. 

I understand how you feel. I too felt that I would forget all I have ever learned. Two years after his passing a time in which I didn't work, I decided to take a language exam just to have a certificate that would say: you can still think and learn something. I don't have clear memories of dialogues but I know that I have never had the deep conversations I shared with him. Ever again. I have had to learn to live with that lacking. All against my will.

"We integrate it as part of who we become". Someone posted below. 

Very true. Reaching integration is hard, lonely and painful. I cannot sugar coat that for any of you. 

what is left?

You know the answer. It is You.  Incomplete? Heartbroken? Never the same? Unfair? Yes. But it is still You. And only you can take responsibility for caring for what is left. 

My health has improved a LOT since THAT day.

BACK THEN

I didn't eat for months. Meaning eating just the essential to keep functioning biologically at the minimum state of life which consisted in sleeping crying and watching TV. My chest hurted everyday. I couldn't keep a conversation. I couldn't walk for more than 15 minutes. 

I was developing symptoms of PTSD without being noticed. 

I lived with my parents for 2 years and I didn't go back to work.

NOW AT 8 YEARS

I eat healthy food and eat the 4 meals.  Home made Mediterranean diet and cooking myself. No take away. 

I go to work by bike (20 mins) 2 or 3 times a week when there is good weather. 

I practice yoga 3 4 times a week. 20 minutes.

I sleep 7 hours with no pills. 

I haven't developed any autoimmune or chronic illness. Hope it stays this way. 

I don't endure symptoms from PTSD. When they come, then they go.

Ana

10 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

When my husband died I only went out once a week, sometimes every 2 weeks to get groceries - not sure how long that went on for though.

I'm so glad your son loves and cares for you and wants to support you in your healing journey. Such a blessing ☺️ 

My health has been so off since my husband died. My body still has shock responses (trembling) when I talk about what happened, been having digestive issues that come and go, major muscle tension and pain in upper back/shoulders, profound fatigue, and migraines/headaches. When I have a good day I think, "Oh wow, this is how it feels when nothing hurts and I feel good." I'm doing all I can to take care of myself, eating nutritious food, napping when needed, going for walks and doing my yoga (which gets bumped when I have a headache). I've been seeing great practitioners, I call them my healing team - they include my therapist, a physiotherapist, functional neurology, myofascial massage and craniosacral. It's been almost 20 months since Michael died and I'm still working through my health stuff. Not sure how long it takes to heal from traumatic grief - I suppose everyone has a different timeline.

Please take care and be well Sad_Widower 🙏

Good to know that you practice yoga. I do too

I have never been on a dating site or app. My single and divorced friends, many do. They tell me scary stories too. Some of them are dating people "without strings attached". They spend time together but then each of them are back to their business. Meaning, we are not part of each other's life. I find this to be sad, but I keep my thoughts to myself. Life is hard for everybody. At the same time I'm not interested in other's people, including my friends, romantic/dating life. It is enough to me to know they are doing well. But I don't engage in that kind of conversation and details anymore. Some girlfriend chat is lost to me forever. 

Tbh if I ever meet someone I would have to feel that there are many/a lot of chances that that men can make me happy. I have been hurt by people who I love in these 8 years that I am finding hard to trust new people. In fact I haven't made new deep friends since then. Those who are now in my life have been before. Some people vanished, others re appeared and got closer.

It seems that it has to be enough.....

It makes sense.

I would like to have a male friend in town because I miss having a male perspective and their point of view. I have two brothers. I don't have male colleagues (I work in education).

But I don't need a man, for being a man, to help me with my daily life needs. 

Part of me feels like I should still do it for him.  I feel like I would be carrying out our goal and our dream on his behalf.   I have a feeling that he will be there with me in the new home, because this was our plan and it's where we both wanted to be

dear Jatas. From your reply I see that you are determined to buy the house. Please consider the following as coming from a total stranger to your life and circumstances: it is you who is going to live in that house and it is you who will carry out the plan. It has to be your dream and your project now. 

The loss of their physical presence means that. To walk this unwanted road of two becoming one and carrying out small medium and big projects for ourselves. 

I am saying this with my heart broken because I would do anything to have him back.

Ana

Dear Jatas, is there a chance that you can ask for more time to buy the house?

8 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

most/all of us were extremely fortunate to have the soulmate we did

 

My best friend, who was his best friend too and introduced us, told me at his funeral: "please forgive me". She said that it was her fault that I was in so much pain. Because she set up the first date and so on....

That thing stayed in my mind for years because I spent a lot of time trying to find the reasons why. I'm not alone in this, btw Joan Didion wrote an excellent book about that.

All I can say is that having met him has been the proof of the Grace from God in my life. I'm saying Grace not as a religious concept but a philosophical one. Many people would feel graced for the gift of their sons. You know what I mean. God graced me with him and I hope that means there is an eternal life when I will see him again. 

8 minutes ago, jathas said:

   All I want is my husband.  

We can totally relate. This is the hardest thing to go through. Why do we have to look for someone else? We didn't ask this. 

Someone in this forum once said: I would have preferred that he left me for someone else. At least he would be alive....

Late evenings and weekends during the pandemic.

It's been too long for me to relate but I have been there.  Days are less challenging now and I can easily go through the day and week with no grief bursts. I think my heart is gone with him and what is left is too small to prevent my brain to overcome everything else. I don't think of the time when I was loved when I make my coffee early morning. I don't even know if it was real cause nothing in my world says it is.

Maybe this is just another phase from the entire process.

Peace

Ana

12 hours ago, Sad_Widower said:

 
My best friend passed away at 30 years old. His wife at the time was 27, and she had been widowed TWICE. I cannot fathom what this can do to a person at such a young age.

That's my story. We were on our 30s.  What it can do to a person at such a young age, there are no words. I have no words to describe my journey after 8 years. Basically you have no tools to deal with it. I look back and I cannot believe I have survived and have walked the grief path. That's why I always tell the same to the new members. Trust you will survive this.

56 minutes ago, Kieron said:

So true.  I am nodding in recognition of most of what you wrote in these last few posts because it's very familiar.  This was my experience as well.  We could not go on a vacation for more than a few days because he needed to be back in town for treatments.  Our lives narrowed to staying home, me working, him resting in between treatments.  You bet I was resentful, and I would be lying if I said I never took that out on him on occasion, but I've had to work on forgiveness for myself because we all have our limits of what we can bear.

I have gone through the same experience. I worked outside of home. I felt frustrated and in the last months I wasn't able to manage it.

It took me these years of after death work to forgive myself. 

38 minutes ago, kayc said:

Feeling for you as you go through this...wishing it could be Melody there instead of a puzzle...

Haven't heard from Karen or Gin or the others in some time now!

Also from Marg....

I've had a very similar dream many years ago. I found him in a room from a building which was very familiar to me, like having been there before. Then all in a sudden we were in a different room and for the first and only time in a dream, he looked at me with sad eyes and said I'm sorry. Then an orange light came into the room through a window and kept growing in intensity, and he was gone from my sight. The orange light was gone too. I woke up.

I lost my boyfriend 8 years ago after a surgery. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a very compassionate place to be.

Ana

On 7/15/2022 at 6:08 PM, sp99 said:

My husband has always been supportive & sides with me for the most part. I try not to complain about her too much because 1: I don't want to seem like I'm harping on her 2: she's 70, so it's not like she's going to change anytime soon & 3: since we lost my SIL, I try my best to ignore her b/c I know that it's just a symptom of her grieving, (even though our relationship has been less than stellar since the beginning).

Is it wrong to not want to join my husband & daughter every time they visit my in-laws? A friend told me it's ok not to be home when they come over to our house. In a way I feel like I'm chickening out & not being supportive of my husband. She's been acting like this for yrs, but it's worse & I feel almost helpless about it now since she's grieving. 

It is not wrong. In order to provide good support to your husband and your daughter, you have to set up healthy boundaries from abusive behavior. Your support is essential, but to your primary family. Your in laws are your relatives, secondary circle. And therefore you don't have to tolerate passive aggressive behavior just because your MIL is in pain and you are on her way. Her pain is her own and we can only imagine what a parent must feel. However her loss or any loss doesn't give the person the right to treat others with continuing aggressive attitude. Because you care for her you will have to give her space and let your husband and daughter visit them without you for a time. With this healthy way you acknowledge she deserves your respect through this very horrible time for a parent. If she feels annoyed by you, you take action by not adding more stress to a very unhappy situation. 

I'm writing this because I have been your MIL sort of. Until my youngest brother told me clearly: stop with your cinism, enough. I would have go on unleashing my anger to whoever was with me in the room. There is something narcissist in us that is released a we cannot see the other side, the others in front of us. Our pain doesn't entitle to treat anyone bad "in a continuous way". 

2 hours ago, razorclam said:

Well...I recently had a string of occurrences that were impossibly coincidental. My soul mate was European. Days after his third deathaversary, I received a message from his brother, who had ghosted me two years ago after a brief period of correspondence. We resumed our electronic contact, articulating the hope of meeting in person someday. Days later, I received, and accepted, an invitation to speak at a conference in his city. The venue turned out to be literally in the back yard of their childhood home (open space in their youth, that was built up in their young adult years). So,  alot going on there...we joked that my soul mate, his brother, was keeping busy in the otherworld.

Recently I have had a similar experience about going to a place which my BF's sibling was visiting too. And I have too lost contact with him. Amazing. 

Apart from very rare exceptions, most people who ever posted something here mention the loss of family and friends bonds. This is one of the most awful discoveries a bereaved does and it literally breaks faith in everything else.

When I think of all of it, my family and friends I guess they were very bad equipped and in their words to me they were not addressing me, but themselves and their fears. I have enough chronological distance to recognize this. I have had an epiphany too. I had to forgive and release a prisoner from the cage. It was me the prisoner.

You mention in another post that you are moving from your county. That will give you some distance to the family straying but I would like to point out that it all may follow you to your new place. If anything I would like to suggest you to seek counseling in order to prepare yourself for this big movement.

what you will never lose is this caring place that Marty has built for all of us.

Peace

Ana