scba

I went through the same thing. His mobile became "obsolete" and couldn't be updated. Once it expired, it cancelled the messages (text, whatsapp). I was able to save to the last minute the only voice mail that escaped the deleting. I don't turn it on anymore. But it's with me and will stay with me together with the old mobile I had at the time of his passing. It was the last item he gave me when he entered the surgery room. It's the last thing he touched. 

Secondary losses

54 minutes ago, V. R. said:

Yes, you're right Roxi. When I think of what we had, I manage to smile to myself as I remember the wonderful times we spent together. It really is soothing. Funnily enough, I end up concentrating my thoughts on how we met, and how our relationship evolved. These memories have now strangely become much more vivid and I seem to remember so much detail (things I thought I'd forgotten, or never really considered), as if it had all happened yesterday!  

 

You're so right Kay about Covid being an excuse for people not doing their jobs. I am always more convinced each and every day, that we are under attack, not just by this virus but also by 'Media terrorism". I hope this translation is o. k. for "terrorismo mediatico" like we say here. We really can't take any more, restrictions and rules changing over and over again, green passes, super green passes, do you have these? I heard yesterday that a pregnant lady was turned away from a hospital emergency department because she hadn't had a covid swab test in the previous three days before going to the hospital. Her 'green pass' was no good either because she'd had only two vaccine doses. But it was an emergency! She had stomach pains, bleeding, strong possibility of miscarriage! Sorry, they told her and her husband, 'go home and come back Monday when there will be someone available to do the swab test.'   Poor thing, she lost her baby soon after....what more is there to say? 

 

 

 

Dear Enza,

I have developed vivid memories over time. I'm not an expert in psychology and I don't know why this occurs but I experience most of the memories in a very real time way. I call them "my visions" (I don't say this word cause people will freak out!). But I cannot remember dialogues. 

I remember what I was wearing the day I met him on a bus stop. 

About your feeling that you don't know who you are and who you are now that he is gone. This is very common in grief and it is called "secondary loss".

53 minutes ago, Marg M said:

and he still cries mentioning his wife.

That's me! And I don't know why I do it.

The last time I did I was buying olive oil. It's a small local shop in the countryside. I don't remember the details on how I came to mention him to two strangers. What I do remember is the old lady saying: but you are too young to be a widow. How that could have happened to you! 

Perhaps I was crying for myself.

Furthermore....

I've recently read an interview about a woman who earned a PHD in Philosophy and founded an NGO that provides legal assistance to mothers who lost their children to crime. Her son was murdered when he attempted to escape from his kidnappers. She told the reporters that she cannot look at her son's pictures. But she's a lawyer, she helps others selflessly, she is her mother after all! Well, she admitted it hurts her. And she's her mother. And she fights for justice.

I understand it feels like in avoidance we are sort of blaming our deceased for causing us pain.

Grief is sooooo complicated. So contradictory, I've found. 

We do what we can. And it's OK. And for today it's enough.

Peace

Ana

I think we do what we can under the painful circumstances. IMO avoiding pictures nothing, voice messages, etc etc speaks nothing about the love we still treasure for them. I'm not early in my grief anymore and all I can say is that sometimes adding extra pain and suffering to the burden we already carry with us is unnecessary. But then, how this can be measured? It's unique to the griever.

One thing is avoiding grief. Which we know by experience that grief will find its way to meet us sooner or later. Differently is to add extra suffering while we are already grieving. It's too much. 

I can't read his emails and messages. When I do, I cry. I start crying as a baby. Because I am then totally aware of the PERSON I HAVE LOST IN MY LIFE.

I can look at pictures now but the words make this reality even more real. There will be no more words. No more!

Our best friend gave me a scrapbook with pictures to make a personal book about his life. She kept a copy to make her own. Two years ago I told her I couldn't open it and asked her what happened with her copy and she confessed she wasn't able to go there and do it. It was too painful. 

Will I ever be able? I don't know. Should I try to take a step further and little by little contemplate his emails? I'm not that brave. My millennial stepbrother said: "we weren't born to be heroes"

Millennials are wise, aren't they?

15 minutes ago, kayc said:

were the highlight of my life.  I wouldn't miss a minute of it.

Me too. I would do it all again and forever!!!

3 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

 We waited too long to meet our dreams.  

 

 

I was finally ready to take THE next step and move out with my boyfriend. We rented a very nice apartment and we furnished it together. We bought a big bed, a desk, things for the kitchen. He lived there for 6 months. I sometimes have a "vision" from the moment when I would leave to work and he would wave at me from the balcony, checking that I took the bike and left safely. 

Interesting. I'm 8 years older now. I'm older than he would have been. I'm in my forties. He left in his thirties. Would he notice the physical changes from time passing and survival? Would he notice what is missing in my eyes? I look differently in pictures now compared to before. There is something very subtle in my eyes and in my general expression that is missing. It has nothing to do with age and youth. 

It never occurred to me that anyone would notice me again. Because I've built up a wall. My therapist told me so, that it was my body language. I believe what he says. 

I'm sorry Gwen. I don't know what to say, honestly. 

7 hours ago, Ruby said:

People do need people.

Absolutely true! The point is,IMO, that looking for a new partner/company/ should be a personal decision made in your own time and terms. Nobody from the outside should point out or press in any way that you would be or feel better if and only if you find someone. 

3 hours ago, nashreed said:

But, is it wrong that I still think of finding someone again?

 

It isn't wrong. 

I don't know why people find or not find someone. My best friend gave up and it's skeptical about being in love and loved back. She told me: "at least someone has chosen you". "But he is dead", I replied. We changed subject. We all carry heavy scars. 

Thanks Kay 😍

4 hours ago, V. R. said:

Sorry to hear that, Karen. It's NY morning here now, and last night I didn't even wait for midnight, just took some anxiety med and went to bed. Felt a bit guilty for my kids but luckily, they were on videochats with their friends. 

Hoping this new year brings peace to you. 

🌻

It's my 8th year without him and I came to the point to feel absolutely nothing about this date. I'm totally indifferent. I don't struggle with this feeling. 

I spend NY with my aging parents because I appreciate to have them for another year. I help my brother to prepare dinner. And that's were NYE ends to me. 

I turned off the phone at 22 and took a med at 23.30 and already in bed at 12.20. Fall asleep immediately. 

A Grief Observed by CS Lewis

Is a book that has been recommended by some members here. Hope it helps

Ana

1 hour ago, Widow2015 said:

Ana:   I hope you didn't think I was pointing out you were preaching.  I thought the quote was appropriate and beautiful. 

Your MIL's  words says it all.  When I think about how devasted my son was that night at the hospital when Bob died, I have to keep going as long as I can so  that scene isn't replayed.  I realize my time will come, I just hope it will be in my sleep or not when he is within view.   

Let's keep preparing coffee.  Hugs, Dee

Not at all. I thought your post was very kind.

🙂

Let's keep preparing coffee. I like this phrase 

2 hours ago, Widow2015 said:

Ana:  I'm not sure I believe it is God giving us the incentive to get up and carry on.  For me, and only in my opinion, not to discredit God, whenever I can't pull up enough courage or strength to take that daily step forward I think of how my dear Bob would want me to keep going.  I pretend to be happy and try to find even a small measure of happiness so I can still be part of my little family and not disappoint my son by giving up.   Maybe it is God working through the love I had for my husband and my love of my family that keeps me going.   Even without my Bob here, I feel blessed to have had him for so many years.

Dee

Dear Dee

Thank you. I didn't intend to preach any belief here. I remembered that quote from a movie which put words to those moments when we wonder why do we still care. I found the answer to be kind of poetic. 

I share the same feeling as you do. My MIL told me in his funeral service: "we cannot lose another one". I might be getting up every morning and prepare my coffee for her too.

From the movie "Jackie":

• The Priest : I have lived a blessed life. And yet every night, when I climb into bed, turn off the lights, and stare in to the dark, I wonder... Is this all there is?

  Jackie Kennedy : You wonder?

  The Priest : Every soul on this planet does. But then, when morning comes, we all wake up and make a pot of coffee.

  Jackie Kennedy : Why do we bother?

  The Priest : Because we do. You did this morning, you will again tomorrow. But God, in his infinite wisdom, has made sure it is just enough for us.

3 hours ago, JJW1007 said:

This is my 1st post & lost my amazing Husband of almost 16 years Jeffrey in May 2020 from complications due to MS. I know that everyone tells me that time will make it easier but it doesn't and all I want to be honest is just to stop continuing to live & I hope I can speak open & honestly without judgment or repercussions....
Although I'm not actively thinking of taking my life I'm also not stopping myself from putting myself in situations that arent entirely safe or legal. I'm as lost & completely alone & afraid as I was the day he passed. I've isolated myself from everyone & everything & don't really care to change it. Being without him is slowly killing me...I'm hoping I'm not alone. I don't know how good I'd be at the words of encouragement for your losses  because I have none but I can be a good listener. I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances but it's nice to vent & be honest about how i feel so thank you!

Dear one,

This is a safe place to express yourself with no judgement from us. 

In my view, time in itself does nothing with our grief. It is what we do with it. I've lost my partner 7 years ago, but time is a variable of importance for the outside. "It's been too long" they say. And it doesn't match what I feel inside and my vivid memories of him.

You are not alone and you can survive this. In this forum you will find valuable threads and resources. 

Please, don't put yourself at risk. If this is some of a big problem, look for help.

I've tried a new coping strategy and the purpose has been to stay focused on the religious significance of the date and reflect on that. But it didn't work very much.

I hope I don't offend anyone: Most surely Jesus was to me like: "What are you trying to escape from?" 

Because my boyfriend and I lived in another country, we spent Xmas separated. The only time I stayed, he was hospitalized the day before. I had bought decorations, things for a super breakfast. All you see in the classic movies.... but we weren't on a movie and I was sooo sad and so upset by being on Xmas Eve in a hospital room. I was very immature and my face expressed only disappointment, being selfish by focusing on me instead of him who was trying to cope with my frustrated expectations and surely feeling guilty. 

I betrayed Christmas spirit. The Mary and Joseph family spirit.

I had to forgive myself for not knowing that was going to be the first and last Xmas time together.

I may try again to sit down with Jesus next year and discuss absolution together. 

Ana

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

wondering if anyone ever puts flowers on her grave which I will never see again.

I sympathize. My boyfriend is buried in another country. I have dreamed with the site and sometimes had the need to be there and cry at the finality of things. 

Ana

Wishing everyone serene moments during these days.

Ana

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend too, I was 35 years old and he was 31. Nobody in my circle understood my pain and my loss. 

Some people are new to this forum and have recently lost their beloved ones. I thought I may post and quote here two articles who aren't available online anymore (author Tim Lawrence) but they try to explain why we are/were feeling broken and misunderstood.

The following belongs to this author:

"Grieving people are already facing the most difficult battles of their lives. Labeling them as victims and wallowers only reinforces their feelings of shame and self-hatred.

With that said, even those we deem to be “wallowing” are still deserving of our love and compassion. In fact, they need our acknowledgment and support even more than others do, as they’re the most likely to be abandoned and forced to navigate their grief terrified and alone. 

At the end of the day, if you are grieving, please remember:

Grieving is not wallowing.

Grieving is not synonymous with weakness"

I would like to say to all of those who have recently or not lost someone: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FROM WHICH YOU SHOULD BE OVER BY NOW. Spoiler: that sort of expectation is fake news. 

I was terrified and alone. But I have survived and trust you can make it too. 

and for those who are hearing something related to Things happen for a reason, and you feel hurt at this, check this out https://www.smilingwisdom.com/single-post/2016/04/26/not-everything-happens-for-a-reason-the-magic-words-to-say-when-everything-s-going-wrong

People will gather to drink, alcohol or not, in their private places, in squares, in closed door places.

That's not the way to face a crisis.

At the same time, the lowest paid workers (those in the service sector who depend on tourism, bar tenders, hotel workers which are not protected by the welfare system) and their families will suffer their loss of income when prices are rising at the moment and they will continue in this direction. They will get to get a glass of water instead.

And I'm someone who follows the rules and advocate for them. But they should be well planned and governors should prepare their cutizens in advance. Its the second / third year of winter with Covid. What they have learned? 

people perceive these measures as punishment now. And this is very dangerous. 

I'm very sorry for your loss. Welcome to this forum where you will find someone who reads and nods in agreement with how you are feeling today.

No matter if it was unexpected or foreseen, if they were old or young, we all have felt our hearts and lives have been crushed in a second, and we were left alive and confused. What happened? How? What went wrong? These questions ruminate over and over again. 

We all have been where you are today, feeling the despair and feeling totally lost. Being so recently it is going to be one day at a time, an hour a minute at a time. As much as you feel you can't do it, do not skip eating, drinking water and sleeping or taking short naps. Your body is going to ask you to rest, hydrate and nourish. If someone is staying with you, ask him/her to help you with these. You won't know now how to carry on so it's necessary to follow small survival steps. 

This forum is here for you, we understand.