Jay Pea

I seem to be feeling a lot of resentment at everyone. Sometimes more than others. Someone will drive or be loud or act like an ass and I think, "Why didn't you die instead of my Kevin?" Really makes me feel like a ugly person but it's the truth of how I"m feeling. I like the article Marty (I think) quoted. It's just part of this whole horrible process.

Scottsgirl, My husband, too, died of lung cancer 5 weeks ago. Surreal is right! It's impossible to explain the pain to anyone who isn't familiar with it. It's unbelievable to me that he is gone. I'm starting a bereavement class on Thursday. It will be the first time I've been able to meet with other people in grief face to face. This site has been very good though I lurk more than write...it's just so hard to know what to say. Except we are not alone. After reading the stories here I see so many people are suffering their own losses.

It's so great to have a place to share these experiences. I slept better having read everyone's stories. My little dog even slept along my back last night, which is a first. It reminded me of Kevin keeping me warm and made me feel happy. My daughter was skeptical about my penny story though she tried to placate me. The other day I told her that our niece found a penny and she said well when do I get one!? Guess what she found the next day? In the garage on a 2x4 in the garage framing. Right in front of her face! He is listening. I think it was because she became open to seeing it...

My husband was the kind of man who always picked up a penny in the street. Not long after his memorial service I found a shiny penny in the street. It made me feel close to him so I picked it up and put it in a special place. A few days later, I was feeling really down and talking to him (which I've done every since he passed) and told him I needed to feel him. I told him if the penny thing was really him giving me a sign, then I want to see more pennies. About 30 minutes later when I was letting the cat out, there was a shiny penny right on the porch staring at me! Gave me goosebumps and I felt it was him. Since then I have found a couple more, usually on a bad day. My daughter and one of my sons have found one each. His sister and her daughter, too. I'm so glad to hear others talk about these signs. It's something that keeps me going.

Finally I had a good cry. Maybe the wall is breaking down. What really did it? Seeing his jeans with his belt still in it. He has a pile of dirty clothes on the bedroom floor which I can't bring myself to pick up. Tomorrow will be one month.

Debi.williams, I found your 9 week post above very moving. My husband died after a 2 and a half year battle with cancer and it still seems a shock. Thank you for sharing your story in such an honest way. We sincerely never know what any day will bring us. Jacki

I think the wall I've built around the grief is getting thinner. It's been harder to look at his picture and I have been feeling more aware of his NOT being here. This morning, one of the songs I chose at his memorial service is on repeat in my head.

Thank you. It feels strange to be so disconnected. But I think you must be right, it's too much to bear just now.

New here. My beautiful husband passed away 26 days ago from lung cancer. He was sick for 2 and a half years. For the first couple of weeks I was crying...mostly getting swamped by overwhelming pain and loss. But for the last 10 days or so, I've just been numb. I haven't cried and I have all this sadness growing in me. When I think about him my mind will just click off. Same when start to tear up, I just completely shut down. I see a therapist who is trained in trauma and grief. She told me this numbness will pass and I will feel things again. Has anyone else had this reaction???