hollowheart

Rachelle,

Thank you for sharing that. I'm glad that these posts have helped even if you didn't comment, sometimes just reading them really can help and help put things in perspective. When I read something that felt like I could have written it it makes me feel better to know I"m not alone.

That window really is beautiful and a beautiful reminder of your dear husband.

Cathy,  I agree that I had no idea how this pain would feel. But I had heard about people that I didn't know that had lost siblings, and I knew one or two that did, but they had lost them years ago and before I even met them so it wasn't something they brought up with me a lot. But when I would hear about that I'd think about losing my one and only and I couldn't imagine since I only have one and we are so close.

And now that it has happened it is even worse than I could have imagined, especially with people just expecting me to just 'shift' and suddenly create a new life right away and move on. I told a friend my life is awful now and she said it's not awful just different. Yeah, different as in awful.

Virgo, not having anyone to express myself to is the worse thing in the world. I'd have my sister to grumble with about petty stuff, serious stuff, or just talking in general. And we liked most of the same things so we had that in common and we had fun together. And all I needed was one person to do something with and that was her.  I have no friends that like anything I like, not to mention coordinating getting together always falls apart so we never do anything anyway, or they just forget all about it. 

I get that your boyfriend doesn't know what to say, it's hard when those closest to us let us down. I think if I had someone else close to me that I could be with, and talk to that got it that would help. I wouldn't be so lonely. I just can't resume any normal things because they all remind me of her.

It's just a terrible way to have to live.

Virgo, you are speaking my life right now. I've had so many close friends go right into asking about my parents or telling me to be strong for my mom. What about me? 

I get not understanding that kind of loss, I didn't either. But a hello once in a while wouldn't hurt. 

In an introvert to and this has made me even more of one. But honestly, I can be very social with people I'm comfy with. 

I can't talk to my mom either because she is clueless, and just says I have to make myself happy and I should be happy I'm alive. Being alive is not enough. I struggle every time I open my eyes. Getting up and going to work is an acomplishment and like you, because I do that she thinks I'm getting better and moving on. When I say I'm not happy she gets annoyed and makes it like I'm just trying to stay sad on purpose. Thanks mom. 

It's awful living my life too. I'm tired of hating life and being sad and lonely.

Me and my sister were looking forward to seeing Star Wars together, I know NO ONE else interested in that and they don't know how much this is hurting. I don't know if I can do it alone, seeing others together having fun and having no one to personally enjoy it with.

I'm just miserable and miss her every second of every day. 

Mom's Angel,

Your friend showed no encouragement for you in dealing with your trauma. She could have said "I'm glad you could make it" or just say nothing at all.

I'm really sick of people today. When I deal with people who are just not getting it it makes me miss my sister even more and feel even more alone. I'm so sick of people telling me to just magically "be happy". Well, I left my Happy Pills at home I guess. Gee, let me think happy thoughts and I will forget that she's dead. Thanks!

I tell people I'm not in a party mood and they look at me like I'm crazy. All I need is a party with co-workers who I don't even like, during my personal time in the evening to make me forget all about my loss!

On December 16, 2015 at 7:03 PM, kayc said:

Stef,

People think you should be okay because they haven't been through it themselves.  Anyone in their right mind who'd been through it wouldn't expect you to be okay!

That's why it helps to come here, or a grief support group, or see a Grief Counselor.  We all get it.

Kay, I'm getting that even with my own Mom. She just thinks I shoukd just "be happy" oh, ok, why didn't I think of that?! Just suddenly be happy. Yeah, that works. I have no one that understands. 

Virgo, yes they do forget such major things because nothing major has disrupted their lives. They see you when you are holding it together at work, they haven't seen you when you were crying and sad and having a hard time, or that you needed to come to this site, so they have no idea how you are still hurting.

They don't want you bringing them down with your major loss, just come to the party and pretend you're OK. That's their way of thinking. They want to see you partying so they can go "oh, Virgo is fine now' and they don't have to be uncomfortable about your grief. Because if you decline and say why they have to be uncomfortable and feeling stupid that they forgot all about your brothers death. 

And some people think a party will "make you feel better" I've had people say that to me. Like surviving a major death is like losing your favorite umbrella or failing a test or getting splashed by a rain puddle and a rave will make it all better.

Mittam, that is EXACTLY how I feel too! I feel like 'this year and this Christmas was supposed to be the best Christmas ever because of certain things we were doing and had going this year. And for it to end like this, it's just beyond unfair. Just cruel.

When you mentioned the Christmas movies that really brought tears to my eyes. I love Christmas and all the hub bub about it and especially the movies. I haven't watched any movies in over a month. They just aren't enjoyable doing it alone. Certain parts of the movie happen and I have no one to comment to. Just depresses me.

WolfsKat, I have a pushy friend who keeps asking me about what I plan on doing with my life. I am still trying to figure it out. She goes 'you have to cry walking' I guess basically meaning I have to keep going. Well, I know that. Like you said, don't these people think we WANT to be able to be the way we were before?

I just about fell out when you said nothing short of resurrecting your loved one would help. That is so true I wanted to give you a high five for it. I can tell people are assuming I should be done being sad now, and they just dont' want to be around my grief. Sometimes I say "screw them' and other times it gives me anxiety at knowing people are just tired of me being sad. I basically have one thought process now.

Kay, I'm glad that you do have a neighbor to go with you. To bad you two couldn't just do something together. It just takes two to tango. It's just so awkward when you have to leave behind holiday traditions and pretty much adopt someone else's. It's how I felt when my cousin took me out one saturday, and I had to adapt to how they spent the day, not how I would spend it with my sister. That's very hard to do.

lolol, you know, at my old job, we would say it to each other. The staff all felt that way, lol. But here it's a small office and I don't feel there are many people I could say that to. You know how some people keep that fake 'this is awesome!' facade on and have no complaints about nothing, so when you complain they just stare or have no comments at all.  Like they aren't going on records as bad mouthing anything work related. *eye roll*

Anyway, thanks for getting it Kay. I always appreciate your comments.

That's pretty bogus that you were never invited to any more parties for turning down one and right after the loss of your husband! They could have at least said, 'stop by if you feel up to it' and not make it a 'take it or break it' kinda move. Again, people expect you to be over it when they feel you have mourned enough.

I was going to call in sick, but didn't. What I'd really like to do is go and just leave early. My last job had holiday parties that started at 12:45 in the afternoon and ended at 4pm, so it was during work hours, on a Friday and it was not interfering with personal time. Not to mention that once the party started no one cared whether you left or stayed, and most were drunk anyway.   I am fine with a party taking up WORK time, but not MY time. That makes a big difference.  And I think that's pretty crappy to make people work all day then expect them to be in a mood to stay and party with people they don't even like in the first place.

I really would have grumbled through it before, but after my sister practically everything just takes on a 'I don't give a crap' feel. It just takes so much more effort to deal than it did before.

11 hours ago, Brad said:

As far as others go I really wish people weren't so determined to see me okay; that isn't me now nor will it be me for a very long time.  It won't happen until I can drive down the road not crying when a memory pops up, or a song plays.  That won't happen until I can sleep unmedicated and have dreams that don't leave me exhausted.  That won't happen until I can look at the past with nothing but smiles and look at the future and see some hope.  That won't happen until I can field questions like: What are your plans? How are you doing? What do you do with yourself? without wanting to either berate the questioner or run home, draw the blinds and lock myself up.

This is what is so hard for me. People just waiting for me to be OK, and it's like I feel that 'tick, tick, tick..' of their own clock on when I will officially be back to normal, which will never happen. Grief attacks happen out of nowhere. I fell asleep last night, woke up and my first thought was of my last conversation of her, her sitting at her dining room table saying 'thanks' to me for something. That was a very sad and disturbing thing for me to just have pop up. 

We have our stupid work holiday party today that I'm no where near into going, and I was talking to a co-worker and telling her how I"m not really looking forward to staying for the whole thing and she said 'think happy thoughts.' 

I really like her, but when she said that it made me realize that is sorta the consensus of how those on the outside see grievers. That we should make ourselves happy, think happy thoughts, just go to the party and make ourselves dance and be happy and--bingo--losing our loved ones will be a thing of the past and we'll be A-OK again!  And I am feeling when we are not able or willing to do that we are just trying to stay sad or just being uncooperative.  Thinking happy thoughts is not going to bring my sister back or make me stop missing her or put me in a party mood.

Forced fun and forced socialization is awful during this time.

This is a really random gripe, but needed to vent somewhere. Today is my Holiday party at work and I'm not feeling it at all. Even when my sis was here I wasn't feeling it because it's in the evening and taking up my personal time and it's on a freakin' Thursday!  I think I could have suffered through had my sister been here and I could have been texting her and complaining all the way through, but as it stands I'm not in a holiday mood and don't know if I even want to stay for the whole thing. But it being a small office it will be hard to leave.

I'm not trying to go into it being in a bad mood and planning on it being horrible, but I just don't want to be bothered.  I could just eat and leave. It's at a fancy, trendy bowling alley and I have never bowled in my life and don't feel like being goofy and doing it (horribly) in front of people I don't even like and want to joke around with, not to mention I'm not in a jokey, fun mood anyway. 

Just want to go back to bed.

Cathy, you're right. I know I get that way when I'm especially down and then hear good news from someone else. I get to stupid about Facebook, because I used to complain to a friend about it and she would say just what you said. That people exaggerate on their posts, and of course only post the good things so if every post is only what random good thing that happened then it seems like their lives are perfect.

I'm just in a nightmare right now. Sick of it.

3 hours ago, Mom's angel said:

I have to force stop the tears sometimes because once I let them roll out I cannot stop them. Its like I cry and then I cry harder.

Like Kay said, just get them out. I have been there, I have cried and wailed. I know what you mean about crying just makes you cry harder. I had days where I cried off and on ALL DAY. But it was just one of those bad days and those days will come. I think me reading up on grief and being here lets me know that those bad days will come and go and I"m not losing my mind. That's what helped me a lot, that I wasn't going insane.

I'm glad that you talked to your teachers and will get through school. Time off will help and I hope you can get even more. Taking a semester off wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, but of course if you can finish your classes, the better.

Times like this, especially being sick, are when you really realize how alone you are. For some reason after reading these last couple of posts, what popped into my head was how me and my sister would go out and one of us would hold down a table if it was crowded. Or if we had a lot of packages, one would sit with all the bags if the other needed to go do something else or go to the bathroom. Now I realized I don't have anyone to do that with anymore and it's probably why I have been avoiding shopping. Looking at pairs and groups out just makes me even more alone and depressed.

Kay, "FML" stands for F**k My Life.

I know that's petty to get so jealous about what someone else is doing. And I know I get to focused on Facebook posts. But sometimes it just gets to me when I want something then there someone is posting about getting exactly that. I feel like why is your life so flipping perfect and mine is falling apart? I don't know. I feel like I could handle anything before losing my sister. That is the single worse thing that has ever happened to me.

I just don't know how people get to a place where they're like "Oh, they're in heaven, and they're fine. I'm at peace with this now." I read all our posts here and we miss our loved ones so much and I hear people on the outside going "Oh, you have to let her go. You have a life to live. You can't stay sad."  It just makes me mad.

Kayc,

Thanks, that's a good point about changing my settings. I will do that. I need to do it for another friends wall too. about a year ago she suddenly went from horrible life to getting everything she ever wanted in a span of months, including the perfect fiance.

It was bad seeing all that then, but now with my life permanently destroyed I cringe when I scroll past a post from her because I'm expecting to see another about her perfect job and fiance. She loves baking and Disney and got offered a job as a baker at Disney World and they moved to Florida. Yuuup. Exactly. FML

2 hours ago, scba said:

I fear New Year. I'm receiving messages (addressed not only to me) that express "wishing you an amazing year" "may your dreams come true"....

I fear the new year too. I feel like I"m leaving her behind.

I felt like I suffered a huge set back this morning. Sunday, Monday and even Tuesday were pretty OK, despite some of the usual thoughts, but they didnt' get me down and I was OK. Then of course I pop on Facebook and there I see a really good friend who I haven't talked to since the funeral posting a happy birthday to her sister and mentioning they are going to try this new restaurant.

It just broke me. That is something I would have done as I loved facebook and me and my sister would go out for each others birthdays too. Knowing I will never get to do that again was just to much, not to mention this friend sorta abandoned me, yet I have happened to see her happy fun posts on FB from time to time, which makes me even more depressed as the reality is stomped in my face of how people move on and forget you.  I cried all the way to work, didn't care who saw on the train. I was trying to sort out these horrible emotions and feelings before I got to work, but I'm still down.

I really just want to die right now so I don't have to deal with this ever again, never again seeing others happiness that I will never, ever again have in life. I'm heartbroken.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

 None of my friends attended my mom's funeral with me, in fact, my closest friends didn't even attend George's funeral, something I have a hard time understanding.

Your friends abandoning you is sometimes another layer of pain.

1 hour ago, Stef3128 said:

Jason was a  wonderful man. Always helping someone.  I miss him so much. I  can tell people don't know how to act around me, they keep asking are you OK.  I want to say NO MY HUSBAND JUST PASSED AWAY. But I don't  I say I'm trying.  The first few days  I thought I was going to die and wanted to die. I knowJason wouldn't want that.

Hi Stepf, I want to say I'm sorry you have to be here, but I"m glad that you find this place helpful and useful. Don't I wish we all met under other circumstances. I don't get why people think you should be OK.   But as I said before, people are just uncomfortable with grief. Asking if you are OK are the only things they know how to ask. There are times I flat out said "No". Well, they asked? I answered.

None of us are OK, but as you said we're 'trying'. I like that.

heartbroke, I feel your pain as I am a animal person and I feel for them just like I would for anyone else. Finding her was horrifying and traumatic and it is going to hurt for a while. I'm angry at those who laugh, I know people just like that. It is "just a cat" to them and don't see the big deal in being so sad.

This was an accident. And unfortunately, cats just seem to always find their way into something. I know guilt, and it is awful. Please give yourself time to grieve and be heartbroken. Our furbabies are just as special to us as humans.

I remember my kitten got in the refridgerator and it was a deep one and she walked to the back of it, during the summer while we were putting up groceries. I happened to turn around saw her going back. I would have closed her in there and gone on my way. I hate that they do things like that, but that's their nature. I'm so sorry you had to endure this with your sweet Rosetta. Know that we are here to help you along. ((((((heartbrokemamma)))))

Mom's Angel--My mom is very similiar in saying what yours said. My Mom was always worried about leaving me and my sis behind because we were unmarried with no kids and she knew how much we helped her and she was grateful for us, and she wanted us to have that. But we both thought me and my sis would grow old together and have each other. Crying is good. We cry for the loss of their presence, loss of their love and how they made us feel and we cry for what they lost for themselves.

Kayc,

You were good in wanting to find the joy in life so soon after your loss. I was drowning in sadness and grief and guilt. I still don't really see joy anywhere. When I see something joyful it makes me sad because I have no one to share it with or tell it to. I see things my sister would love and want to start crying.

People say things (seriously and jokingly) 'kill me and put me out of my misery' so you can die and then be at peace. The anguish of those left behind is almost worse than death. The mental and emotional torture of yearning for someone for years and years is like a slow death.  I've heard people say 'dying is easy, living is hard'  living is already hard and living with grief is even worse.

Karen, we re-reuse gift bags as well, but only within our immediate family. If the bags and even the tissue paper is especially pretty and matching we save it and reruse. Nothing wrong with that. So I definitely got when you came across the tags. That has happened to me in the past as well. I'm so sorry that happened, it was a shock you didn't need.

I feel I am bracing myself for Christmas, but at the same time I'm kinda tired of preparing myself for the brace. I almost feel like we're all preparing for our execution. I didn't put up a tree. The idea of pulling it out, the ornaments, tree skirt....it was just to much work when there was no happiness involved. I have a couple gifts but have not wrapped anything. I just want to cancel it. I already feel like Christmas Morning will feel like the day of my death.

I'm glad you still have the carousel. Precious memories!