hollowheart

9 minutes ago, Degasgirl said:

I lost my mom in July and I totally understand what you mean about feeling closer to friends who have also gone through the experience. And I have to admit, I do not think I had been as present and there for others in the past when they lost someone. Only now do I really understand the magnitude of it. I would react much differently now if a friend lost a parent. It makes me feel bad that I did not understand just how painful the loss is.

Same here. I know that I made myself believe that because they were functional in front of my face. Maybe a little teary and solemn, but not weeping and wailing and walking around outside in their pajamas, that I Believed they were handling it and were OK. I knew that when my friends and family (and it has not been that many) lost someone it was horrible and sad, but I didn't even think about just how many emotions and feelings we go through.

Because my life had not changed and was not impacted by the death, I couldn't understand it. I hate how a significant death changes you. 

((((((Hiena))))))

I'm sorry about your dog. Because they become a member of the family, the loss is just as great when we lose them. How could it be a disservice if she was in pain? You were easing her suffering and even though you didn't want too, in your heart you knew it was the right thing. Doing a disservice would be to keep her with you, despite the pain she was in, so that you could be with her. I hope that did not upset you, but you did not do her wrong.

I had my Tracy for 21 years. She just got up one day and laid on the floor in the same spot. I went to work and my mom was at home. She told me she never moved from that spot, and passed away. I was heartbroken. She had personality and was a little white fluff ball. That was over 10 years ago and I still think about her. We had strays we cared for over the years that were like family and they passed away. I like to think of them as we took care of them, looked out for them. Feed them and they were not alone, they had us. Your pet was just as lucky, she had you for 14 years.

sadheart, it's like you took my brain and are writing my thoughts. I can't believe how much we feel the same. Sometimes I think about my sister and I truly cannot even fathom that I won't see her again or hang out with her again. Go get breakfast again, go to Target (our favorite store) and look at the holiday decorations (one of our favorite things to do this time of year). 

Yes, she saw me at my best and worse, I could tell her my secrets. Like you said, she was my best friend and she got me. It was truly a special bond and also like you said, I was never close with cousins or even friends like I was with her. Especially when we became adults. As adults we got even closer. I had a built in best friend, shopping buddy and hang out partner. I didn't have to try to coordinate something with friends, who didn't want to do what I wanted to do anyway. I'm so used to having that built in friend that I feel like my arm has been cut off. I just feel lost without her. Not just the friendship part, but I went to her for help and for advice. My mom doesn't know anything, I can't go to her for most things. It just sucks.

I know my parents lost a daughter, but it affected me more because she was part of my daily life. So I'm just lost now.

I regret not buying a car sooner because she was waiting for me to get a car so we could go to more places and not just the places around the house. Since she was sick, walking was not great for her anymore and I wanted a car so we could shop, shop, shop and just tool around. It would have been awesome. I regret that we did not get to do that.

It took me over a month before I finally got angry. I was just sad, shocked and heartbroken for the longest time. I got angry and I'm still angry. Angry she is gone so young, angry that we can't continue on doing what we've been doing, angry she had to get a medical problem, angry at myself for not helping her more on those last days that could have saved her life, angry that I have to deal with my grief, therapy, being sad all the time and being lonely. I'm angry this had to happen to us. I'm angry I have no current memories and I won't have any future memories.

I know we have to put a spin on these kinds of things to try get through this, but as far as memories I always had them. It's when all you have left are memories that the anger comes for me. I hate thinking about my sister in the past tense and not talking about something she did yesterday or this morning. I am lucky I had her for as long as I did, but I don't think I will ever be at peace at God for taking her from me so soon. I am to distraught for it.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Good question, bluelady, about how to get thru another holiday.  I feel the same.  This is actually my 2nd, but last year was shock mode so I couldn't really feel anything.   This year I do because I hear people making their plans, happy, excited...all those things I used to feel.  Not feeling them is another reminder of how much life has changed.  I wish I could approach it like every day I do now.  But I know that is impossible.  I know I won't be socializing with anyone because we stopped doing that years ago and have no family and friends stopped parties as they had kids and moved into other social circles.  Steve and I always spent the day alone with our dogs.  That was enough.  But this time, wow, I just don't know.  No place to go to escape it either.  Crawling into a hole, meaning it will be a day I am utterly alone as friends all have their families, is probably what mine will be.  We never did much, but now what we did seems so special and lost.  I'll have my dogs and a Kleenex box.  Best I can do.

You always say everything I am feeling. We never had a Grand World Christmas either, but just like you, what we did was enough and perfect for us. So when that is gone it's everything. Everyone I know has families and kids or they want to do the opposite of what I would like to do for the holidays, so I have nothing.

My sister and my Ma was all I really needed, especially my sis as we liked and did all the same things. Now without her I'm just lost. All my Ma wants to do is lay on the couch, watch Murder Mysteries and eat. So really, I'm still alone during the holidays. I feel like I was dropped off in another planet, I just don't know what to do with myself most of the time. I truly feel alone. I have never felt alone like this. I wake up in the morning and think 'why did I even bother waking up?'  There is absolutely nothing during the entire day to look forward to. Nothing but trying to find a distraction from this pain.

Worrying about not crying is the last thing you need to heap on yourself on top of your grief. As distraught and miserable as I am, I had days where I wanted to cry, but just didn't or couldn't, for whatever reason. Then one day, I was sad and upset and I cried. There are days I cry off and on all day.

as kay said, that does not mean you love her any less. Don't think of grieving the "right way". That is more societal pressure on us to mourn a certain way and then get back to the way we were. It's very hard for people grieving because grief is really for a lifetime, but no one expects us to be sad that long. They expect a recovery period and you're frowned upon if you haven't 'recovered' yet.  Just let yourself feel whatever you feel.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your big sister and so sorry she left a baby behind.  I lost my big sister too and it's killing me slowly. No one in this world knows how horrible this has destroyed my soul and my entire world. They just think I'm getting better or have grieved enough. I just want to die. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 That is another reason I don't bring up the coming holidays because I can't take anymore people who think this can be soothed with a bandaid idea.  Have you thought or doing this or that? Yeah,  I have thought of them all, thank you very much.  It really compromises interaction when you can't talk like they do because they haven't lost anything.  Now I truly understand being lonely in a crowd.

Yeah, I'm having a really, REALLY bad week. When people suggest this or that they think it will take your mind of it. Nope. If anything fun is suggested I do all I think about is how my sister is not here to do it with me.

And if I do with someone else, all I'm doing is thinking about how that one person is not there. Not to mention, they are trying to be nice and distract me and be all fun and happy and it just doesn't work. I know they mean well, but it's to much.

Sadheart, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I can't imagine living another 40 years without her. 40 Freaking years! she was supposed to have those same years. I am also living just for my parents. I don't even give a s*** about anything anymore. I feel so terribly alone, even my Ma does not understand. I was having a hard time yesterday and she goes 'I thought you were getting better' No, I'm getting worse.

I think she worries about me, but I don't know. Sometimes I think she's just clueless as to how incredibly hard this is for me. I tried to go hang out with her last night and sat down talking. She paused the show she was watching then asked if I was finished with what I was saying. So, obviously, I went back to my room, got back in the bed and stayed there for the rest of the night by myself. That is how it is now. That is what makes me even more insane. I used to have that companionship, that friendship, that fun, that person to run things by and complain too, who would get my jokes. If I walked in on my sis, she'd either stop the show or it would be something I would want to watch too and I'd join her. I never felt alone when I went to talk to her. I miss that so much. I just hate my life now. I'm just miserable all the time now.

I thought the same with my sister. I had a thought of wishing we weren't so close or that I never even had one so I wouldn't have to feel this loss, but I hate I even thought that because she was the best sister anyone could ever ask for and I'm glad for every second I had with her.  I just wish grief could be soothed with a pill or turned off in your brain.  It's like as happy as you were with the person, you are then forced to go through the opposite when you lose them.

He will only need to friend you if you completely unfriend him, blocking is something you control. Just unfollow him. But if you choose to ignore Facebook stuff that works too. 

The reason it's so hard for me is because she was laying there, alive and we had a chance. I know this is spilled milk now, but it's very hard to move release those thoughts. I'm trying very hard. Had she died within minutes then that would be that. But knowing we had time and did nothing is horrible to live with. Waiting another whole day for what? oh my God.

I'm just so sad and pissed off and I'm tired of not having the one person there I need to vent too. I think I just have bottled up emotions, thoughts, feelings, everything and no one to discuss it with. I truly cannot believe she is gone.

WolfsKat,

No, it's not wrong at all. I think today I'm having some sort of mental breakdown. You are right, living is like hell on earth right now. Dying sooner is less time to be feeling like this, so I'm fine with it too.

Everything you are thinking, feeling and doing is basically right on target with what you'd expect. The drinking and smoking are things that might even subside and are just dulling the pain right now.

I have my issues with God too. I think 'why didn't he let her last one more morning! Then we could have gotten her out of there. Why did he give her this medical condition in the first place?!' I think why are these monsters that are shooting up schools still out there? They need to trade places with any of our loved ones. 

It's why I can't usually deal with people always preaching about 'Oh, I know my God is good!' Most people say that after something good happens, or they are living the perfect life, then they frown on those who shrug off God as not doing them any favors.  I think about my sister, she did not want to die either. She was doing pretty good with her life and I know I was enjoying having her around. Everything is just so fucked up now. 

If you have nothing else, I hope you use this this forum as a resource. It helps to be able to vent sometimes, we may all be strangers but we have a big thing in common.

16 hours ago, scba said:

I agree hollowheart, it is a solitary world after year 1. That is why I told my friends that I live two lives, one on the outside and another one in the inside, and that they are free to ask about both of them or just one. I aknowledge that I live in my hometown when nobody met my boyfriend and I cannot expect people to talk or ask me about our lives together. He is a stranger here. Therefore I pay, yes, I pay someone to talk and listen about him and us, that is my therapist. I pronounce his name in his office. How sad. How wrong is all of this.

 

Yep, I pay a therapist too to talk. I guess that is, literally, the price I pay for some support. I want to not be hard on my friends. I know that I have consoled those who lost others, but also went back and enjoyed my everyday life. I am just really stressed out and in anguish over this loss. It was such a significant loss for me.

I lost my grandma (she was 103) and I was able to get over that just fine, but I also don't recall any friends giving me any support over that. Her funeral was actually on my birthday, so imagine the kinda of trauma that should have inflicted. But she was 103 and had been in hospice a couple weeks before, so it was expected. This is not a loss I can be OK over. Ever.

That's why I think if you unfollow them them then you won't get any status updates and you shouldn't get anything from them. You can do this through your settings. You can even block him and have the option to unblock him open to you. If people are still posting on his page and you are getting those status updates, yes, that would be extremely distressing and annoying.

kayc, thank you. You're right. I know. And I do blame my mom to a certain degree, although I blame myself more because I know how she is, and I didn't speak up for my sister and do what I know was right. I wanted to go to my Ma and have her be as concerned as I was and agree we should call an ambulance. I think to a degree neither of us wanted to believe it could turn as tragic as it did.

But I was going in the right direction and let her dissuade me and I can't get past my first intentions could have saved her life. If I push my Ma on it she will say why didn't I call then? Which puts the blame right back on me. She finally did say she was wrong because she was looking at her to laying in bed, not talking or waking up and did nothing either. I just feel like a fool that I would let her lay there like that and not think that was a urgent situation.

She had gone too long, even when she was up walking around it was probably bad she just happened to be conscious. I don't know why we would do that? Wait until morning. That's what ambulances are for. That's all I can think of is that we didn't even give her a chance.

What I know for sure is that waiting all that extra time killed her. So if she had gotten to the hospital in time she would have been OK. It was not sudden, it was a decline and we helped it by doing nothing. I'm just in such agony I can't see anything else. I just need her back so bad, and I can't have her and that is worse than torture, because even torture can end and you can heal and survive and the pain will stop. All I can do is long for something I can never have again. That can never be replaced. So much of my life revolved around her and us together, I feel like I don't know how to live. Today is awful for some reason, I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack.

Froggie, I can relate to not wanting time to pass and also trying to busy myself like this gaping void in my heart does not exist. It is is a huge hole to ignore. I dread leaving her behind. I feel like as the years go on she is getting lost in the past, and I hate the idea of thinking 'oh she passed 12 years ago' that is just to much time without her and I don't know what to do with myself at that thought.

I am back to my anxious ways, but I think now I'm just feeling angry all the time. Just bitter and angry. Mad that I have to endure this, even worse at the holidays where others are preparing for their Merry days and nights and I have no joy in my heart forever. She used to text me just about every morning, or I'd text her about something random. My phone is just silent and I just miss her so damn much. She was my best friend, the first person I contacted about any and everything. Now I just have to keep everything inside and to myself and that is driving me crazy. I can't concentrate. I hate working right now.

i have similar guilt about not wanting to help her with simple stuff or being kinda mean sometimes. But we did love each other. I woke up in anguish because I just let her lay there and die. I know she could have lived. I keep thinking about her laying there rolling around on the bed, and sleeping. She needed medical attention and we didn't give her that chance and it's my fault. We basically killed her. I can't even breath, I can't believe she is gone and it's because of us. I think that's why inspiration videos won't help me because it's my fault. I just let her die. I think it could have been prevented had she gone to the hospital. 

Im sorry your brother was taken so soon. Mine was in her 40's and it is never enough time. In their 80's would have been to soon. So much future lost from both of them. And future lost with them. I will never be right over this. 

Scba, yeah, I think that's why grief gets worse with time because, of course, others have forgotten about you and your pain and moved on. And they expect you to be OK now that it's year 3, or 4 or 5. And they are not going to still be asking you 'are you ok?' 5 years later as they are back to their own lives. 

I had someone tell me today I didn't say how my Thanksgiving was. I just said it was ok and quickly asked about hers, then left. She could tell I had nothing to say. I didn't want to make it awkward by saying "it was the worst Thanksgiving ever, I want my sister back and it was depressing and lonely"  gotta keep up that fake happy. 

39 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm going to stick my neck out here too and it might seem disparaging to some.  I just passed 13 months and feel worse than ever.  I am factoring in birthdays and holidays, but something changed at a year.  The 'magical milestone' myth was a biggie as that it what society expects.  I have entered a stagnation phase.  Everyday blurs into the next of the harsh reality Steve is truly gone.  Nothing around me has any meaning anymore.  The year I spent finding I could pretty much run the house myself is behind me.  I can, but it adds to the loneliness.  I do activities outside the house to come home to the silence that has replaced him.  My logical mind says I should be used to this.  My heart has a totally different view.  So many motivations to do little things like cook/eat are because I have to.  Caring for this house takes so little time because it is only the dogs that shed and muck up the floors.  Shopping is so changed because of what is needed.  The list goes on and on.

After 37 years I wake every day seeing I need to redefine my life.  My WHOLE life.  That is no small or easy task.  I don't like all this 'free time'.  I miss being part of a partnership that was living life, making plans, needing errands run, basically full because that is what happens in a marriage/partnership.  And when those free moments came, we relaxed in them together sharing meals, TV, a movie, whatever.  

It was liked I sailed thru the first year putting out fires.  Oh yes, there were many nights sobbing.  Now I don't know what to do.  I'm in a fog and rarely cry longer than a few minutes and I don't know why it vanishes as the pain is more intense.  Waking up is the absolute worst.  So, in all this rambling, what I have found is that I keep going missing a loving touch, his voice, his laughter, his ideas, telling him mine, sharing opinions, arguments....the whole meal deal.  

I look all around me and everything looks the same, but I might as well be on Mars for how it feels as far as comforting and my life as I knew it.  When he left, I did too.  This me that is left behind hasn't a clue why she is here anymore.

Gwinevere, man, I always agree with everything you say all the time. This is exactly how I feel except my "significant other" was my sister, if that doesn't sound to crazy, lol. But we did everything together like spouses and she was my main if not only social hub. I'd do the same thing, if I went to the store or a restaurant I'd text to see if she wanted anything. And like you, free time/downtime still included her 95% of the time, so now when I'm bored of have nothing to do I have to turn right back around and then FORCE myself to find something to do when I would otherwise go see her and my something to do would be just hanging out.

I'm actually tired of looking for something to pass the time. I love TV but I never watched TV like my mom (almost 24/7) I usually watched in spurts as now you can see everything online so it doesn't matter if you miss an episode. I'd skip TV to hang out with her. Now I'm staring at any and everything on TV as a distraction. Ugh.

Also on the facebook thing. Are you on facebook? Are you friends with him? I don't get why you are seeing notifications for him. You two have the same email address? If you were friends with him you can 'unfollow' him and not see any more messages/posts. I can't bring myself to unfriend my sister and I know I will get the email that she has a birthday. She was never a FB fan but she had one and we were friends. My sister has plenty of accounts but I'm not going to go around trying to shut them all down. That is to much for me mentally and emotionally.

Sadheart,

Hi, my sister was 43, so she had a lot of years left of her life and to be with me. She had congestive heart failure, and the circumstances around her death are what creates even worse grief for me.

She had slurred speech and some slight face droopiness the day before, but then it stopped and she just went into fatigue and kept sleeping and sleeping, and Me and my Ma decided to take her to the doctor in the morning and that was to late, she didn't make it through the night. So it is really our fault she died because we didn't get her medical attention in time and I KNOW she could have lived. What made us wait until the next damn day, I don't know. I knew it was bad, but I think I was in denial that she could ever die. She never got the hospital, there was no autopsy done, there was a death certificate but I can't bring myself to read it. I believe she had a mild stroke and because of the over drinking she did because her mouth was dry was to much for her heart with her medical condition.

However, because she was dealing with this for about 3 and a half days (first couple days she was still walking and talking) who knows what it was doing to her and she should have been in the hospital from the moment she didn't feel good. Things had gone to far by then and she wasn't eating or taking meds or nothing, so I have no one to blame but myself. And to think that she could be alive if we had just called the hospital a day or two earlier, or even that night has sent me to a therapist, antidepressants and sleeping pills. I feel like I am really going crazy and just can't come to terms that she is really gone. So the fact that it wasn't sudden and could have been prevented is making me lose my mind.

Everyone else here talks about cancer, or car accidents and had no time. But there I was with days to help her and did nothing. While she was telling me her mouth was dry and she was tired, we should have been on our way to the ER. I think I was in denial something so tragic could happen.

Also, I work but I hate my job so it's like I'm not really happy there, then have nothing to come home to after work. Of course afterwork was my downtime when I'd start calling and texting her and go over to visit, so now there is nothing to look forward to after work either. Nothing to look forward to on the weekends, no plans to make. My life just sucks now.

If you ever want or need to vent off the forum, you can email me, if you want. Not saying you have to, but I don't mind if you need to just 'get it out' sometimes. angelsslayer@yahoo.com

1 hour ago, kayc said:

HH, maybe try a grief support group so you can meet others going through the same thing?

I've been looking. There is nothing near me. I have looked into Compassionate Friends, it looks like I missed their last meeting. It will be a trek to get there and I'm on public transportation. I might try to get to one, but because of the distance and the trek to get there I don't know how much of a regular thing it can be. That's very frustrating. I'd love a group, but everything is just so far out for me. 

Sadheart, our stories sound similar. My Ma too is in her own grief. Mainly, she tries to keep from breaking down to hard, I think it's just to painful for her. I will catch her looking a certain way and sighing and I know what she is thinking.

I will just cry alone and I know most of the time she hears me, but by some fate or something, I am always done crying when she comes by. Me being sad makes her sad so she doesnt' want me crying and sobbing, but that makes me distressed because sometimes she will get mad and it's this feeling of I'm not supposed to grieve, or I'm not supported in my sadness, like I'm not supposed to be sad. It hurts.

I am just lost and alone. I talked to my sister every single day. I would go to her vent, to just talk, for advice, with little inside jokes. Now I can't do any of that and it's the worse feeling in the world not having anyone to talk to who would actually care about or get what you are talking about.

I have no one else I can text random goofy stuff too and they will get it, no one to just call and vent to, no one available to me like she was. I am definitely in hell on earth right now.

I'm just about going crazy today. Back at work after the holiday and I felt almost afraid to leave the house, just didn't want to face the world again. I just feel so alone. I just keep thinking just this summer we were enjoying ourselves, just chilling out. And now this. She is gone and I am left to live in complete daily misery. I am so utterly alone without her.  I just don't know how to live anymore. I'm just surviving and existing and moving through a job I don't even like. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of only reading grief boards. So many other things I used to do on the internet, I can't relax or find peace in my mind and heart enough to do it. Just sick of this life.

I wish tears could bring my loved one back to me.  That's the one thing I have plenty of. 

I'm so sorry sad heart. I lost my only sister a month ago and I'm still in shock. Still in disbelief that she is gone. The loneliness is crippling. You are right the good go early, and evil lives a good long life. If your parents don't want to talk about him or if you feel like you can't cry in front of them (and that is not being weak) then look into finding a counselor or support through a hospice or church. If no one else you can talk to them. I have no one to talk to other than my therapist. I don't want to make my Ma sadder so I usually breakdown alone. It very stressful to want her back so bad and can't get her back. I get these thoughts that she is only gone for a little while. It's heart wrenching I will never talk to her again or go shopping together. She was my best friend, my only social outlet.  Now I just sit at home every weekend, bored and lonely. 

Look into someone to talk to. Suddenly having no one in that capacity will start to get to you.