Jeannine8

Tom, I had to post to you for 2 reasons/people. I came here today b/c my mom died unexpectedly 3 months ago. I'm heartbroken & stunned. She wasn't sick, & all of her 5 sisters are still alive, (despite being older). I am grief stricken. Even though this is the "natural order of things", it does not feel natural at all. But since you are here on this grief site, I know that you get what I mean & I won't belabor the point. Anyhow, my dad died awhile back, after being diagnosed with cancer 57 days earlier. By the time I digested the fact that he was dying, he had died. I had a bizarre but cool "visit" with my father that I need to share with you. Thanks to him, I now KNOW that "Something beautiful/amazing, happens to us, later". Ironically, my father probably did more for my faith posthumously, than he had in life. Here's what happened... Dad retired from his Federal job & became a chef in his "retirement." He taught "Cooking as an Art Form", (& he was good!). Anyhow, when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer, we spoke of an afterlife. I asked him to try and make contact with me, just to let me know he was alright. We semi joked about it (I'd say "don't haunt me!", "Send money!", etc). A month after his death, I was listening to a cassette tape of him on the radio, talking about cooking fish. The quality of the tape was good, and it really sounded as if he was in the room with me. Two minutes into it, my metal colander fell off the wall in the kitchen. It made quite a clatter. I went to the kitchen & found it on the floor. I checked the hook on the wall AND on the colander itself, and there was no visible reason for it to fall off. ( It had never fallen off the wall before.) I carefully checked the wall and the colander for slipping or defective hooks, or for any reason for it to just drop to the floor. I could not find any cause for it to have fallen. So I placed it back on the wall with great care. (I admit I was a little bemused. I even thought "Geez, maybe that's Dad making contact with me!") So I sat down & put the tape back on. Two minutes later the colander fell off, AGAIN! This time, I could almost hear my dad's voice telling me, with some frustration that "Of course it's me! That wasn't easy!" The next day I made an appointment to see a shrink (b/c naturally I felt as if I must be going nuts). I knew I was depressed but now I wondered if I was "losing it". So I told the shrink everything I just said ^^ above. The doctor told me what I want to say to YOU..which is this:-- "So let me get this straight. You & your dad discussed him making contact with you after his death. So he died & now you think maybe he did make contact. Now you are here seeing a doctor, to tell you if you're nuts, or 'getting too depressed to think straight'. Why can't you just look at this as a Gift?" This ^^^ was the Best "medical" advice I ever got...So I pass it on to you. Your grand dad sent you a spiritual gift. It's clear to me he wants you to stick around & create a happy fulfilling life for yourself. As a parent, I can say that I DO embrace "immortality" by knowing my children will carry on after I'm gone. It would deeply grieve me to think of them considering ending their lives, let alone with my absence being the cause! That would be a bitter irony. There's so much more to say and share, but for now, please know your grand dad wants you HERE, living life fully. It's okay to be happy. Somehow I know he wants that for you. More later. J-

PS I totally get why it helped you to help the friend who lost her dad. I'm finding that I stay in touch more now, & feel closer to friends who have lost their parents or moms . Only they can really "get" what I'm feeling. It makes sense. And for future reference - the next time a friend of mine loses a parent, I will be there for them in any way I can. It meant so much to have friends' & family support, (and it hurt when it did not come.)

Dear Stacy I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom in August, quite unexpectedly. Her sisters are many years older and all survive her. I live on the opposite coast of my family, so the solo process of mourning began when I returned from her funeral week. That truly, truly has sucked. If I didn't have 2 dogs, I'm not sure I'd have gotten up in the morning. Sometimes I forget she's gone, and then it hits me all over again. I have even had hairdressers wash & blow dry my hair for about 10 weeks, b/c I found it too exhausting to blow dry and set my hair til about 2 weeks ago. (Yeah, I'm super high functioning, NOT). Thanksgiving back east was weird and comforting and bittersweet. It was at my sister's house (where my mother lived & died), and we only got thru about a third of mom's things before we realized it was way too much too soon. I still cannot wrap my brain around her permanent absence, even on a conceptual level...and this is a "natural life event"?? It feels very unnatural to me. I have a grief counselor who has been a Godsend. At her suggestion, I'm reading a super helpful book called Healing Through the Dark Emotions, which I highly recommend. It is helping me process my grief, without prolonging it. Stacy - Here are 3 random things I've learned, (some of which) were helpful. First, like your mom, my mom died without warning. I found the suddenness shocking, numbing and horrific. I kept wishing for more time. Then just a few weeks later, a dear friend of mine lost her mom to lung cancer. In truth, her mother's death sounded really brutal. So I think the one thing worse than our moms passing away without warning, is wishing they would pass away - to ease their suffering. Second, sounds as if you and I are cursed AND blessed by having good mothers we really loved deeply, b/c we miss them terribly. When a neighbor told me she could "not stand her" own mother & that they "were never close", I was pretty freaked out. I guess I assumed we all loved our moms a lot. So I am working on feeling more gratitude for the mother I had. I was truly fortunate to have her nurturing me and supporting me. She was a constant source of loving support. I'm hopeful that we will meet again someday. I hope to be the type of mother she was, to my own children. Finally, I read that "the death of a mother is the first sorrow wept, without her." That resonates with me. Keep on posting and keep on keeping on.