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Janka, this is such a beautiful place. Rich and I were planning to re-new our vows for our 5th anniversary. The Amalfi Coast was a place we had always talked about going together. Now, I doubt I'll ever go there....too much pain amid all that beauty.

Hi Lindork, I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. You have found a good place because we all know exactly how you feel. Take time with yourself, do what feels right for you and if that includes prescribed medication, that's just fine. I lost my husband Ritchie 5 months ago in a car accident (he was a huge motorcycle enthusiast and I still have his Harley sitting in the garage). I miss him every minute of every day. I completely understand your feelings of alone-ness. This is, unfortunately a road you have to walk alone -- BUT there are many people here who can help. This is a place you can say what you feel and know you will be understood and supported. Give yourself some time too. This is so new for you. continue seeking help from wherever it feels right and know that there are people here for you

HH, So sorry you're having such a bad day. All I can say is when I think of "the rest of my life" it is just too overwhelming and leaves me feeling drained. So, I'm trying to just deal with the here and now - something I can control to a certain extent - and even if I can't control it, I am conscious of what's going on rather than focusing on the unknown that I cannot predict. Because my husband died in such a random, sudden way, I realize that you cannot even predict the next minute, let alone the rest of your life. So I just try to Breathe, stay in the moment and deal with things as they come up. Sending you hugs and strength. xoxo

Discuss the situation with the doctor, including the financial issues. as many others here have said, most drug companies can help. I hope you find something that helps you feel better, once you do some of the other issues may be a tiny bit easier to deal with. thinking of you and wishing you peace and healing!

Thank you, dear Janka. I know you know how I feel. wow, today is a terrible day and I wasn't expecting this. I'm so sorry for your loss as well and am sending love and strength to you

While I thought Christmas and New Years would be spent in deep depression, I purposely left home with my sons and went on a short trip over Christmas to distract myself. It was good to spend time with them, just being...then I came home to a full week of being entirely alone as they went to visit their father in New Jersey. I wasn't sure I would survive that week of 24/7 alone with my thoughts, but surprisingly it wasn't as bad as I thought and several friends took me out, making sure I wasn't alone and for a brief moment I thought "I'm doing better - maybe I will be ok and have a life". What is hardest for me now, is today. The whole world goes back to work, back to school, back to normal -- except me. The"bubble" of the holidays is over and now I'm just supposed to pick up and go on. I barely cried while I was here alone but since last night, it's been almost constant. And the all too familiar feelings of not caring about anything, hopelessness and not wanting to go on came back. Everyone says I'm doing "remarkably well" but they only see what I show them.

Hi Gin, So very sorry for your loss. I'm 5 months into this nightmare and I still think of myself as married, the house as Rich's and mine, still think of myself as part of us -- it is not inappropriate, it is totally normal. Do you have anyone to go with you to the bank? That was a horrible part of all of this...and calling credit cards, going to the DMV to transfer titles, etc...truly a misery. If you have someone to go with you that might help. But do keep coming back - vent here. We all understand and as Wolfskat said, will never "tire" of listening.

I don't know about anyone else but for me, some of the OTC herbal remedies help a bit. I take one capsule of Valerian Root when I'm feeling particularly upset or anxious. St. John's Wort is also supposed to help with that. For sleeping, sometimes Melatonin helps -- sometimes it doesn't but it can't hurt to try. I've had no negative side effects from any of these and find the Valerian Root "takes the edge off" when I need it. I also have no desire to go on an anti-depressant and that was the first thing the therapist recommended for me. So if you can't find another solution, maybe give the Valerian or st. John's Wort a try...

I'm finding these days that I get some consolation when I do something that Ritchie taught me to do. He was so handy - could fix or build anything. So now when I fix or build something as I try to do to keep myself busy, I feel like he's proud of me...sometimes, like he's laughing (lol!) but mostly that he's proud. I can almost hear the "atta girl" and that makes me feel a little better.

Brad, that sounds like an excellent new tradition and something very special to share...Painful though the empty seat must have been. Good for you. I hope it brought you some joy and now, yes a new tradition for all to look forward to. I guess that's exactly what we all need to do. Little by little find new ways to have joy with the people we love.

Marty T - "Goodbye to Goodbye" is right on target, thanks for sharing that. Goodbye is not necessary. Rich knew how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me. We said it every day in a thousand different ways. We both knew how good we had it and I have no regrets. And as I sat with him in the car, knowing it was already too late, I could still feel him and my last words to him were "I love you, thank you for our beautiful life." Goodbye is what you say to someone you never want to see again.....

Beautiful responses from everyone and thanks for that. Makes me feel better that none of us will every write that letter. I was keeping a journal for a while but stopped. Maybe I'll go back to it - it was really just random thoughts I wanted him to know. Marg M I was just thinking that this morning. this is existing, not living. I guess that's the challenge for all of us, to find a way to live again. Seems impossible right now.

Gwenivere, you are so right. Ritchie built the most amazing home for us - my dream home and it is filled with him. But the thought of living anywhere else is to separate from him and I don't want to do that.I feel him here so I plan to stay for at least a while. I too had an issue with his office because our offices are adjoining rooms with an archway. I work at home so was spending all day looking at his office. I cleared it all out, repainted and hung up beautiful things on the walls. Now that room is not quite as painful.

Scba, I am so sorry for your loss. I do think ripped is an accurate description -- that's certainly what it feels like to my heart! And unfortunately I know there will never be an answer to the question of why..... Brad, I appreciate your recommendations - I am trying to find a support group but haven't found one yet. Also considering therapy if I can find the right person. I tried therapy at the very beginning and I'm sure it was too soon, but the therapist kept trying to force me to write a letter and say goodbye to my husband and that I couldn't move forward until I did. It was very upsetting to me. That still is not something I want to do - I don't ever want to say goodbye! Anyway I will find some help here. I'm beginning to feel I need it.

Thanks kayc. I am trying to find a grief counselor. Honestly wasn't ready until now. I hope it'll help!

Yes this is one of the things that's hardest for me. I do have loving parents who call me daily and my kids do care but they have their own lives to live. Yesterday I was waiting for my 16 year old son to come home and he was so late - I made a nice dinner and just wanted to be able to sit with someone for a change. And I burst into tears when he got home. I am so alone, all the time and not that he's going to hang out with me, but at least there's another person in the house. I never realized how important it was to be each other's #1 - to always have each other's back, to send little messages and pictures during the day just because you were thinking about each other. I am so appreciative of having had Ritchie, and cherishing each other....now I don't know how to live without him.

I think for me, the madness comes from the "unfairness" of it all. Many people were affected by my husband's death and their lives are forever changed, but not to the extent of mine. When you lose your spouse, your best friend and the one you spent all your days and nights with, nothing is the same. I feel like everyone else can pick up the pieces of their lives but I am left here, all alone. I was alone before and was fine with it, but then Ritchie came along and changed everything. Now, the world thinks I'm doing fine but if they only knew the insanity that lies behind my door.....

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt words. I have some days when I'm "ok" and can get through without crying, but many more the opposite. I went to the beach this morning partly just to walk and remember the beauty in the world but also because we buried Ritchie at sea. I was having a hard time going to the beach at all but now I know he's there with me. The holidays are hard...for all of us. I'm trying to go through the motions but my heart is simply not in it. Going away for Christmas with my kids and a good friend because the thought of being here is too much to handle. I know you are all hurting too -- my heart goes out to all of you and sending positive vibes for a good day today...

Hi Everyone, I'm new here. I hope you won't mind if I take a moment of your time to share my story because it's so overwhelming it's sometimes too much to bear. Ritchie and I met in 2011 and from the first moment we both knew -- we were "it" for each other. We had the most amazing, spontaneous, fun life together. Loved motorcycles, boats, any adventure both near and far. Ritchie was a live in the moment guy and taught me to do that too. Whether we had the money or not, we'd find a way to live life on our terms. He brought me out of my shell, loved my sons as if they were his own and every picture -- where we all have huge smiles on our faces -- was all because of his love, lightness and amazing energy. We went to Colorado in July on vacation and to see our youngest perform in a show. I didn't feel well the night of the show and was getting sick all night long, but we set off the next day to go horseback riding. We headed out on the scenic mountain highway and about an hour in, we stopped for some coffee. I still didn't feel well so only had some water and tea. But Ritchie was tired and asked me to drive (as was always the case because he would fall asleep at the wheel!). So I took over driving. We passed a sign saying 9500 ft elevation and the next thing I knew I woke up in a car wreck. Ritchie was sitting next to me but unconscious. I tried to wake him, but he was already gone. I passed out again and woke up in a hospital bed where I was told my aortic heart valve was in critical condition and I needed open heart surgery immediately. This was all July 28, 2015. Rich was 54 and it was 3 days before my 52nd birthday. It seems I passed out behind the wheel due to the heart value, lack of oxygen from the altitude and dehydration and hit an oncoming car head on. I don't know how I can ever accept that I was responsible for the death of my best friend and love of my life. I know it wasn't my fault, but I did cause it...and the weight of that is crushing. The circumstances are so insane that I find it hard to process. I, of course am now totally healthy - I'll probably live another 30 years. I waited 48 years for Ritchie....We had 4 years together, two married, and now he's gone. I know he made the ultimate sacrifice to save me, but honestly I wish I'd drifted off to the right and gone over the cliff instead of to the left. I just can't understand why I was given this gift and then had it ripped from me....and what good is a healthy heart when it's broken? Thanks for listening.......

Katpilot your words are so true. It's been 4 months since I lost Ritchie and while sometimes the pain of losing him is too much to bear, thinking about something he said or a look he gave me, or just thinking about sitting on the couch watching TV together reminds me of how happy we were together and gives me a split second of solace. Thanks for reminding me of that.