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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

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  1. Wow, this Wanita is a busy body. She doesn’t have any right to interfere or have access to family info. That you have to tell the facilities that is odd. Is she pretending to be family? That’s certainly breaking the law all the way around. Like you need more work to report the facilities.
  2. I’m in the same predicament regarding Xanax too, Marg. Have to see a shrink for mine. Not one single doc will touch the stuff. I’m so missing the doc I had for decades that retired and a new one that said let’s not fix what isn’t broken move to another city. Saved me having to add this guy. Now it’s like a 4 letter word. Poor Dee got shot down for asking about it. Yet, they will give you some risky sleeping pills I wouldn’t dare take for side effects. This looking at the patient as an individual is getting lost in this drug sweep painting everyone the same. You can be monitored for use by how much they give. At least give people that option. I’ve never exceeded what I was prescribed. Seems to me you have to be dying to get what you need. Steve could have anything he wanted. They even offered him stuff he didn’t because he didn’t want to be overly drugged. Hardly the picture of an abuser. I get pushed on antidepressants too. Really annoys me. I understand that they won’t 'cure' it, but will (supposedly) help you feel better able to handle the factors fueling it. But side effects matter to me. Like it being physically dangerous for you, I find them mentally dangerous as pushing me over the edge. I don’t know the answer for how to deal with my deep depression. I’m just sick of so few options that I can find. Feeling sick and being in pain all the time is not helping this either. It’s situation that in fantasy I’d love to not have to take any pills. While some are helping, they are also creating problems often. We have to learn to live with them. There are some fantastic meds out there that have given people their lives back. Thank gawd for that. While barbaric now, chemo has saved people. it’s so complicated as we age. I miss the days my only pills were occasional aspirin and birth control. Other pills were for dental pain but fun too. Getting a script for Percocet was like gold! Of course, the need was no fun. as caring as my docs can be, it has the feel of business with the changes.
  3. If only we could stop mailings of everything that we gave no interest in. So much of my mail keeps our city recycling going. 🙂 I have much better luck in email from companies. I unsubscribe and it usually works. The PO has an app that shows you what’s in your mail every day. Some days it’s pushing myself to go get it as it all junk. Or there will be one they say they can’t identify. I tried to get off financial investment updates, but my money guy says the only other option is email and I really don’t want to clutter my mail with that. Easy to delete, I just hate my once personal mail is already getting enough business stuff with medical, banking and such. Just got a piece to both Steve and I. Have to call them and try and get removed. A charity we dropped years ago. Some waste so much money on these mailings. If he/I haven’t donated in years, it’s a pretty good bet we aren’t now.
  4. Can’t the state step in for the legal stuff? I don’t see why you should have to incur any costs. I could be wrong, but they could do the work of getting her wishes and enforcing them. I can’t see how a family could be forced to pay for an attorney. There are so many, at least in Washington, services for this kind of situation. Social services. They are involved with many of the residents where I volunteered because the family didn’t exist or couldn’t be of help. That would free you to do the little things you want and not take on the big decisions. They could get her mentally evaluated too. Just some thoughts that sprung to mind. They could also bar your other sister from interfering too. Especially regarding privacy.
  5. I think of all the times I have been given new meds or had them changed in dosage or time taken and be told there is no way they could cause side effects I encounter. Really? Who’s taking the pill and who isn’t? I’ve gotten ‘I’ve never heard of that reaction' like it means it can’t exist. Don’t know many now, but I miss the docs I’ve had that would say....let’s just stop that then. Maybe try something else or let me look at other possible options. Sometimes we’d find something and others it was living without to avoid the cure being worse than the malady. Thyroid meds I have no choice on. Have to take them to live. At least my endocrinologist listens snd makes adjustments ever so slightly so I can adapt. It’s still hell tho.
  6. We are 'opened up' in Washington, but there are still restrictions. The grocery stores have taken down their requirements. Guess other retailers have too. I have no intention of not wearing a mask in any store for a long time. Only saw one woman once and boy, did she get the evil eye! Strides have been made, but like you, I don’t think enough to where I’m trusting and the variants are out there as well as we were not subjected to the usual winter maladies to keep our immune systems on full function. Hardly any colds or flu. It’s just too risky. I hear talk of next winter being bad for this reason. Weird we did too good on this but may be more vunerable to other things we shouldn’t be.
  7. I don’t know how you are doing it, Dee. Just thinking about what you said above makes me want to cry. It’s inevitable down the road. Heck, I should have help now or massive surgery to really enjoy our home as I did for the first few years after he left. I’ll never forget him begging me not to send him away when his thinking got too dangerous for him to stay here. That will haunt me til I die. How I will handle it is something I try and avoid but it’s right there every day. I think you are very strong. I’m so glad you have help in this, another life altering change. 💖
  8. Fortunately Steve was not on Medicare for the reason you cited, Kieron. I’m the one getting barraged by mailings when I already have a supplement. You have to or it’s a very risky financial gamble. Considering one is 65 anyway, you know things are going to go wrong. Seems none of these companies have heard of each states agency that can set you up with a broker who is neutral. I think I’m passed the getting things in the mail and phone calls for him I think. It’s been a long time. I feel the same about things in our house. Don’t have any projects for changing it, but repairs are a pain by myself being tethered here in their windows of arrival and the things that would have been updated like streaming Steve would have handled because he had to have the latest and greatest. Just don’t care by myself. Too much work getting the right equipment. I need a new PC and did it myself last time with the help of my BIL remotely. I limp along with the old one as I can’t and don’t want to go shopping for one and sit thru the set up. All my stuff is old like me. Seems kinda fitting. There was a time in the first couple years I took pride I did it myself. That time has long gone. It really reminds me of the roles we each played. How balanced they were. He kept the tech, repair and financial stuff going and I did the family stuff. Quite traditional but I liked it. Babble alert! I was a full time tech as a living way back when. Tha was before all this internet stuff. I quit when my job when it went to switching out equipment instead of actually fixing things. People didn’t toss phones if they messed up, we opened them and repaired them. Everything was landlines. Computers were for big companies. I’m grateful for most stuff, but some have me very limited. Don’t want the cost of a smart phone and have no one to really text. Have no idea what 5G means. Now that I think about it, a smart phone would intensify my loneliness. People are so interactive I see with them because they have people in their life. I’d just be playing games on them which I do enough at home. It’s always a bit awkward when I’m asked why I don’t have one. How do you tell people that a little thing like that is useless when you are utterly alone? I just say I’m a dinosaur. A pay as you go flip phone is fine for me. What I miss is calling him and vice versa. Still do. 😪
  9. My buddy did send me a wav file. I need it on disc as I don’t know how to store it from mail anywhere on this iPad. He’ll do it. I’ll just miss others hearing it and my ritual of trying to beat the machine so I don’t have too. All I know is I don’t want to lose it. I listened to it last night. Bittersweet. karen has an excellent idea. I wonder if the state could appoint someone to handle your sisters affairs and take you out of the loop as decision maker. I would think you could decline. It’s your other sisters that have appointed you to the unofficial role. Someone neutral could be the hub and deal with all of you equally while protecting .Peggy's estate. My cousin did that with my dad and I so appreciated it. It does have to be legal one way or another. You don’t have to accept that role. You have enough going to add that. There will be stuff you’re doing as a caring sister as you have been anyway. I hope this gets settled when she is moved and evaluated. Some weight off your plate.
  10. My understanding of dreams from my studies in psych and lots of articles I’ve read is there really is no making sense of the visuals. If anything it more the feelings that we can pay heed to. Our brains just willy nilly grab images from memory and maybe what we added from the previous day. I found more luck in what they made me feel. Tho there have been times my mind has drudged up something with no trigger to do it I’m aware of. Those are hard because they make me think of times I didn’t want to go to. I.can count on drifting dreams before waking up of dread daily because I know it’s going to be a long, emotionally dead or intense day, maybe projects I don’t care about to tackle or there is absolutely nothing for me to do. They all are the same in terms of not wanting to be here. I’ve been searching for an answer to my life for years now. It still eludes me and even more so the past few months. I know this is because of more losses mounting up big or small. My dentist retiring, my doc changing his availability, the virtual support group changing venue and going to end in July, losing our answering machine message (tho our buddy sent me a copy, but no one hears it when they call now). My not being able to do as much physically. The pandemic and how it turned everything upside down regarding socializing. The latest Time mag cover read We Will Never Be The Same. It’s the younger people that will adapt better. Tho they were/are affected too by not being with friends during essential development ages. But I feel those of us older were especially hard hit. We have a history of losses and faced more while younger people have the time and energy to adapt. But as for answers about my life? It ended in so many ways years ago and I have found nothing remotely close to filling that void. I did better in the beginning than I am now. That is my struggle. It’s not going like I heard. I’m missing him more than ever. Time has done me no favors on this. I wish I were more flexible. I think of moves so many of you made. Adaptions. I’ve been in situations that are out of my routine, but it’s a rare thing. I don’t know how you all that have moved and made massive changes have done it. I didn’t have to. Parts of the house I don’t use, but they aren’t places I send time in much if at all. I know so few people here, I can’t imagine what it would be like if I were someplace else. It always comes full circle. I am uselessly yearning for something that is gone. That will never come back and see a future of more of the same. There isn’t one darned thing holding me here except Melody. And even she would do better with her guardians as they would interact with her more. Tho she, as dogs do, loves me despite how boring this is.
  11. Marg, this is my outlet for getting carried away! Sure can’t do it with anyone I know out there. And venting to myself turns me more inward which is not a good thing. For example, where else could I get out how thrown off I am my alarm didn’t go off, is throwing off my med schedule and creating anxiety because I’m so locked into routine? For anyone else it’s ‘what’s the big deal about half an hour'? My overreaction feels like there is something wrong with me. Actually I know there is. All these months of added pain and loneliness have me locked in a mental prison of despair that adapting to small changes or doing minor things are monumental. Sometimes coming here even seems hard. so vent away! I remember that was how you were when I joined. How I got to know so much about you. Sharing your struggles helped so many not feel so alone. I also know you have to feel up to it. I just hope you keep checking in. I know you’ve been struggling with some personal stuff. I just miss ya, lady! 💖
  12. I’m quoting this because I do agree. The upgrade the system went thru won’t let me react to this so I’ll do it this way. I know I couldn’t have changed the outcome of losing Steve one iota. My biggest anger was pain med delivery as hospice kicked him out and I had to place home in a dementia facility so they didn’t do IV's in the usual way. I felt he was conscious too much so he was restless all the time. But I was emotionally consumed and had limited options. Had he stayed in hospice, it would have been better. I focus my anger at them as he didn’t die fast enough to meet their criteria. He missed it by a week or so. Ugh, I hate visiting that scenario. It’s been a bad morning for hours. I lost something precious by accident and am gonna scramble to see if a backup that was made can be restored. It was the answering machine message Steve and I did years ago. A poem with both of us talking. I always avoided letting the machine answer to not hear it when I’m home. Power bump knocked the time stamp out and I hit the wrong button, which I’ve never done in the many times this has happened and it went into record mode thus wiping it out. I always wanted to know it was there as I have so few sounds of his voice. I’ve misplaced all the cards he gave me and hope to gawd I didn’t do something in a grief meltdown like throw them out. Cannot for the life of me find them anywhere. this cuts thru my heart. People would hear it and always comment on how clever it was. He had a way with writing things. It took us lots of takes to fit it in in the allotted time. I’ve reached out to our buddy who recorded it as a backup. I just at least need it on disc. I’m feeling so distanced from him right now. I new the recording was not a small thing. I’ve made calls to Tommy and my counselor. These are the times that truly test our grief. Were he here, we’d just do it again. Simple. I’m so tired of trying to not take things personally. A dental cleaning I don’t know if I can do because of my back, but if I can, no nitrous as my dentist is retiring and didn’t renew the supply. Will my counselor meet with me half an hour later as I so need it. My cleaning day being cancelled for Juneteenth and it’s the day the linens are changed. Only my housekeeper knows how to do mine. I trekked to the lab yesterday and did myself in as waiting for assistance never happened. Made me feel even more abandoned bring at this huge medical facility that couldn’t find a way to help me get inside. So I payed for my trek last night big time. so I sit today. Have to get gas, food for the weekend and not sure how I’ll do on shopping, waiting to hear from the many calls I made to get voice mail mostly. I so miss when people answered phones. I love technology for stuff like our group and Zoom, but hate it as it makes it often harder to get answers I need. wish I could ❤️ The posts that affect me. Poor Marty is hostage to software updates.
  13. What a mess, Kay. I think the wisest thing you can do at this point is step back. You have virtually no control or any way of getting it done. And it’s not something one person should have to take on when there is other family. You’ve done a lot already and I’d beg out of cleaning out her home too. Especially if she is a hoarder. I just read how much this all upsets you and the only thing you have control of is making some choices. I know it’s tough with blood ties, I’ve been there. But as Marty said, and I’m sure everyone here would agree, you come first.
  14. I know you struggled with that for a very long time. The guilt was eating you alive. I’ve had times it felt like I was emotionless. They felt very strange to me. You’ll just have to see how the path continues, I guess. After all these years, I’m so tired of there never being a vitality to life and balance. It’s either too emotional or I’m shut down like you. Hate them both. I think we still have done control. Unfortunately it’s now just reacting to things thrown at us. I have choices on some things but they are all undesirable. So I do tune out when I can. Getting easier to do after years of loneliness. I don’t like that. Like you said, I’m just a spectator now. Don’t feel like anything I do matters one iota to anyone. Worse yet, it’s true. That is not living. I have counseling today for an hour and it hit me. I won’t have another human interaction with anyone I know til Sunday. That’s a heck of a long haul. it’s another day of horrendous pain and now this feeling sick all day. Too many urgent bathroom trips. Those are interfering with getting out to kill time. Went to Safeway yesterday and it was so hard. I think my nightly glass of wine is a big culprit in feeling bad. Do I give that up too? I just keep losing small pleasures. The big ones fled long ago. I’m at the point I don’t even want to eat anymore. Used to be I could get a little excited about it. Now it’s a necessary evil. And a solitary one at that. I took a quick shower last night about midnight as I was so nose deep in vid games I wasn’t even paying attention to the late night shows I record and used to at least hear when I was playing. I wanted to get away from that addiction. I don’t know if it’s good for keeping up cognition, but I do know it’s not good if it totally consumes you. I have a small list of things to go, but making the stretch over days is tough. I want to feel I’ve accomplished much more than I do. I was always busy in days of yore. But then I could move easily and had avenues like volunteering. Even drives were better because I had Ally. Now I’m alone out there. Just another body walking around but untethered to anyone. I do miss that. I see others out alone, but I know most have people in their lives. Sometimes I see someone that looks like they are alone. It’s not something you just walk up to someone and ask to see if they have any tips. I’ve been having foreboding feelings for days now. Probably from the walking, stomach and lightheaded feelings I have. Not getting good sleep. Taking meds that alter, supposedly fix, things. I just don’t feel like I’m all here. It’s intensified being alone. There just is no way I’ll ever feel safe again. Not in my soul. Not without Steve. They could put me in a hospital or nursing home, but in my heart I’m still fading away. it hit me I’ll never see my counselors again in real life. Both closed their offices. Started from covid, but one moved to California and the other is 79 and prefers to work from home. She may also drop the Zoom option. I depended on those interactions. It’s more real contact taken away. My Sunday buddy is Zoom now. Wow. No wonder I feel so empty. Take out of the equation I can’t walk well, but that is an added 3 days a week I had physical connection with people. suggestion from virtual support group this week was look for something good each day. OK, it’s only 13 hours til I can go back to sleep. Best I can do.
  15. I sure know that feeling. It sounds so dated as we women are so strong, but I do so miss my masculine hero. Just like men miss their feminine balances in their wives. Even the gay married couple I know each have strengths more dominant to a gender. It’s that perfect person, no matter who the participants, that make it so ideal. I see that in a new friendship with the gay women i recently met. They round each other out.
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