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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,249 profile views
  1. WhT do they do where you are in emergencies? Do they do Medivacs? Rural living may have appealed when I was young, but certainly not now. Even vback then I did the club scene so where would I shake my booty? 😎
  2. I’ve read this in other places too on the net. Sometimes Google is an enemy. I know how I feel and for all the reasons you stated, Mitch. I’ve read stories or seen others who have done 'better' than me adjusting. I’ve spent lots of time asking my counselors if there is something wrong with me. I had someone more important to me than myself and that was taken away. I’ve tried to make it about me now, but it doesn’t work. I gave myself completely to another. Some thing I never did before. Now he is gone and while I am still me, I’m also forever changed losing that intertwined safety and love. I’ve given up trying to find words to describe it. there is nothing wrong with me, or if there is, I haven’t found a fix for it in over 4 years. I thought I might find some answers at Foss, but they didn’t either marry, had conventional marriages or still have thier spouses. And 6 months? That’s preposterous. You’re right, Marty. Insurance companies want codes for reasons to seek help. I should ask my counselor today if he thinks this is a term that should be used. My guess is no. I don’t know who makes decisions for entries, but the parameters are too small.
  3. Kay! How terribly frightening. I agree. With the medical alert, I know I can get help if I’m conscious, but I know where you live is kind of isolated. If you had one could you get an immediate response? How far away is the closest emergency help? I have one and it’s a love/hate relationship. Glad it’s there, hate that I need it.
  4. I don’t. Know if any of you read Garfield, but I ran into a good one. Jon says 'Sometimes dreams do come true'. Garfield thinks 'you dream about stumbling aimlessly through a meaningless existence?' Could have wrote that myself. Anyone here at various times.
  5. Fortunately, my accountant is a master. that and I know nothing that could be missed like you, Kay. I am so grateful for the mail and fax. One year I had to go to her office and it was only about 25 round trip but I hated t due to the traffic in these metropolis's. Seattle blends into so many other cities. OK, so today I’m trying to figure out why I do some of the things I do. It’s a talk I’d usually have with Steve. Having the bad, very bad back, I did shopping for heavy stuff. I keep doing stuff that I know will cause me pain. I’ve watched my house slowing becoming medical again. This time for me. It’s sneaky all the stuff that was never here before. More stuff than Steve had besides pill bottles. Oxygen generator, tubing dragged around, foam on the bed for my hips and neck, a folding walker/chair I moved out of sight because I am so tired of the reminders. Even in my car there is oxygen and the ritual of turning off and on. I went to Arby's for a Reuben sandwich for tonight. I should having been simmering a slab for us. Arguing with him in jest as he would have wanted to BBQ it as Sunday was his night for that. I miss the little jokes and banter so much. I hate getting old alone. I’m angry he went first. I’m angry he went at all too soon. I’m worn out that the nightly rituals have changed from a way of life to habit. I’m angry there is no pleasure no matter what anymore. I’m angry I am not the great dog mom I was. I’m angry I feel no happiness for the good things happening to others. I’m angry I have to pretend I am as I don’t want to push away what little human contact I have. I’m angry that if I am resigned to a sandwich tonight that I’m not excited about having potato chips that I used to love. Too much change builds up again. I’m living the schedule I/we always did but empty. Things I do I thought I did for me was for us. After shower body spray. Didn’t realize how much he noticed it til he always crooned 'good smelling woman' when I came out. Again, no real point to this but to feel sorry for myself. Were he hear, you all would have beeen spared. 😪
  6. I find if I don’t say fine and they are listening they rarely know what to say. Art of me hates making them feel awkward but another part hates that social game. I also miss when I could actually meanit or say great! Now it’s hsnging in there as standard and they still sayyeah, I know what you mean but they don’t.
  7. Very thought provoking, Kay. I’m not stronger. I have to do more/everything which gives the illusion I am. I don’t feel more capable as I knew I could do this before. I just didn’t have to. More tax papers came in today. Old days, hand hem to Steve. Now, hook up fax and send to accountant. Computer probs, old days call Steve, now strap on headphones and spend hours with tech support. That’s not strength, that’s being alone. Surviving has left me in mentail and now growing physical pain. Alone. Creating a network to make sure I haven’t fallen or died. Fearful of something happening as that security of his being here is gone. Naw, that isn’t strength. It’s existence. It’s definitely not my definition of living..
  8. Ana, reading your thoughts were like reading my own in a different way as Steve and I were too old to start a family and had made that decision decades before for physical complications. But I do wince hearing about family plans as I go into my 5th year. I keep finding pieces to be broken and tears to shed, but I also feel drained after years of it. Retraining myself to not speak of the sadness much as people are worn out in it. The lack of interest, aims, projects have made life a vacuum of cold emptiness that will never be the same. I’m in some kind of backward world now. It certainly was not easy when he left, but the last 2 years have steadily gotten worse. I’m always amazed how everyone here carries their grief burden. I know you were robbed of your plans of a long life together. Others robbed of time they should have had left. Some with family, some of us totally alone. But we are like one deep down. The same sadness’s, loneliness, longing and knowing we found our perfect love. Memories or plans so special between 2 people. That person it matters what color towels you choose. Strong? Yes we are. But not in the ways people tell me mean. I was strong being his caregiver. I’m only strong now at surviving in a world that changed against my will. Strong to try and handle the changes I have to accept. I often wonder what people think I do with all the time they spend in thier relationships. I know they can’t comprehend thier partner vanished from existence. Sleeping, eating, so many things you do alone now. Now I'm rambling. This usually hits me on Saturday nights. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Ana. i never forget a post I read when I joined here by who I forget. The first line defined me. It was.....when he died he Part of me died. Just died. She’s never coming back. This I accept. I have no choice. Marty, great article you posted. Again showing there are no distinct time lines and to ignore those that feel there are. Another reason I don’t speak of it much but here and people I trust (mostly here). I’ve heard every, and I mean every suggestion a million times. Always unsolicited. I ask people to stop, but they so want to fix something they can’t and maybe it scares them.
  9. Not to worry. MG. I think it’s great you found something that works for you. No one is upset, certainly not me. I’m just addled lately. 😁
  10. Funny all our furry kids tastes. Mine will any cooked veggie, raw carrots and tomatoes, apples, bananas but NO citrus. Never knew a dog that would. I know they’d like grapes and raisins, but those are are a doggie no no. All mine liked ice cubes til about 5. Speaking of clumsy hands, Dee, I’m glad mine are food gobblers only. Drop a lot of pills some days and they sniff and walk away (after puppyhood). Glad the PB worked!
  11. Dee, my elder dog tells me too when it is time for her meds. We live on PB in this house. It’s very rare I don’t have it for lunch, with an apple which is the best combo, IMO. I’m giving up on the regular jars, they go too fast. I miss that the Sam's Club by me closed for the ginormous jars. So will have to do retail largest. Extra bonus for my kids is they get the jars when scraped out and it keeps them busy a long time trying to lick out any bit left. They’re gonna have a field day with the bigger ones!
  12. Have you tried peanut butter, Shirley? I can get anything into my furry kids with that since it adheres and dogs don’t want to give back food! Sometimes, if it is big and I don’t feel like the shove down the throat method and holding it closed til they can’t help but swallow it eliminates the shoving. Kay’s idea is good too to check with the vet. I don’t have a mortar and pestle, but I have a hammer.
  13. Oh......wayell.........you know how it is when you have restless fingers. Plus it was right after my post so I assumed it was a response. I fall back on my new excuse - quitting smoking. My brain is what Steve called in his addled last months.....a bucket of snakes. Thoughts hither and yon or totally elusive. A great example was I wanted to make my cell phone ring louder for a call I was expecting. Couldn’t find remember how. It’s not a smart phone so stuff like that is hidden in weird places. Go into T Mobile and they show me. Get back to the car and can’t remember anything past getting to settings. Trudge back in and have them walk me thru it again. At least I remember the 2nd step now and it’s gravy from there. I should change my avatar to 🤪 and add some drool.
  14. I’m not sure who you were addressing. I am going into my 5th year without Steve and an intense grief I didn’t know could return with such a vengeance. There will always be the intense sadness, but now I am having physical problems and have to face them alone. Some days I’m not sure I can continue this loneliness and stay sane. Attending to the physical maladies seems as pointless as what my life has become with no motivation without that someone that completed you for almost 40 years.
  15. Showing my age her too......think they radio but don’t know why they are called that.
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