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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,870 profile views
  1. I’m a bit confused by the last paragraph of your post, Marg. What are you angry about? The curfew? The whole predicament? I don’t change my 'out there' clothes. I just change when I get home. I couldn’t handle showers ash time I went out by people. My back couldn’t take it. I’ve been keeping my hair pinned up all day now as how I look just isn’t that important to me. Saves washing it too. I missed the chance to get a much shorter trim. My anger is at the virus. I’m still not clear on how it started. Bats or something? I remember the SARS thing years ago. Masks and fear, but this is so much worse. You defintely protected yourself going out. I don’t do all that stuff. I do the distancing and use lots of Purell when out. We were told here disinfecting groceries wasn’t needed anymore except produce. They closed all the bins for nuts, spices, flour and such. I just posted in another topic how the stores are now going to limit customer count. Not sure how I will handle that with my back and oxygen needs. Home delivery is days out, have to figure about 5 now. Washington and California are doing so well at containing the spread. We are still going to have isolation thru part of May and then assessed again. The worry is people coming into the state from others behind in protocols. I’m thinking air travel might get shut down. Don’t know how they will handle drivers. Don’t know if proposed moratoriums on rent and mortgages will happen. Hope so til people get monthly incomes again. Drat, just got a call from my doctors office and they want me in for this breathing problem. Normally that would be a good thing since everything has gone to televisits. This means they consider it serious and will probably lead to a heart specialist. It brings me me to despair and tears because I’ve done nothing but medical crap since late December and then the hospital stint. It just keeps going onside on and on. I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of feeling off and no answers. I brushed Ally earlier and not even close to what she needs but it wiped me out after a couple other stops. Originally the doc said it was probably stress and anxiety. My labs and ER tests are considered OK. It’s time for a cry from frustration. Now I’m afraid of a heart attack or stroke. The docs just talk about stuff so casually not realizing the effect of all this has on a patient.
  2. Will you be working after your 2 week quarantine? I know it’s for essential employees. Washington just went to about mid May we are shut down except for that. I’m glad you will be reunited with your fur babies. So nice that someone got you food too. Stores are going to now limit the number of customers to half what is usual. This will be a problem for people like me with back problems and having to stand waiting. Guess if I see a line then will have to try other times. Many are closing earlier to restock. Stores are days out on home delivery . About a 5 day wait. I’m wondering if this will hit the airlines soon. Some states haven’t been as vigilant soon enough and that could keep things going longer. I don’t know how the economy is going to recover from this. I’m hoping on mortgages and rent they suspend payment and interest til people have monthly income again. I did hear talk of possibility dropping college loans for those in health care training. That would be awesome as those people are in such dire need and are already be called in to work depending on how far along they are. I sent a donation to a local church that has been giving out meals on Sundays. I stopped once to ask what was going on and they fed me! Stopped by yesterday to donate and they fed me again. I’m a believer in paying it forward. Want them to keep this up as there are a lot of homeless a few blocks away that finallly found them. This is all so hard to adjust to. If only we had our partners to share in this. It would make all the difference.
  3. I didn’t know him, but it is indeed bad news. I don’t know if he left behind family, but I hope, if he did, they find the support they need now having lost both parents, a bother and friends.
  4. Things are getting so crazy the longer people are forced into isolating. Maybe doing things that are dangerous or just break the distance rule out of desperation. Those who have lost jobs and businesses are so very hurting. Places like Walmart have already started limiting access and other stores may follow. Online delivery is backed up for days. I thought about how it would be handled if it comes to essentially martial law. I think that might push people over the edge. I can’t imagine getting fined for taking a drive after a certain time just to get out of the house and not endangering anyone. They’d abide for a bit, but being treated as prisoners would backfire. People, especially now, need to feel they have SOME power of choice. Take that away and it’s going to get ugly. There’s already people stuck in domestic violence situations and that breaks my heart.
  5. I have the same concerns. What will people be like when this ends? How long wil it take for trust to be reastablished? I was behind a couple today who wouldn’t get near the checker. They were poking their groceries towards him then backing away. They hassled him too about not being sterile and he showed them his sanitizer and mask. I found it very insulting to someone there who is in contact with people all shift. Also safer than the self checks as they aren’t wiped down between customers. I knew it would start getting to people that aren’t nice to those keeping it possible for us to get our needs. I thank them always as I did all the medical staff when I was in the ER. I know this is a stressful time and nothing like we’ve ever seen. But no excuse to hassle others unless they are a true threat. We are to them also. Here in Seattle they keep stressing be kind and safe. We’re all in this together. i cry too, Dee. You aren’t alone. I think we are crying because we are alone. I’ve never envied couples so much as I do now. To come home to Steve would make this so much easier. Crying s good too, mental health specialists are encouraging it as a survival skill. Tight virtual hugs to everyone as it’s safe here. 💖
  6. Thanks everyone. I did get my virus screening late last night. It was negative. A nurse called to tell me too. I’m relieved but aware that is for now. That’s the thing about this whole mess. You do anything around people and it could change. They gave me a mask to wear and said to wear it going out since I’m more vulnerable. I don’t know how long it is effective. Can’t get more anywhere. Woke up today with the same symptoms as my nose was stuffed up. Will have to see how the day progresses. I didn’t even bother to unpin my hair. Supposed to be a shower day but I don’t know how I’ll feel. Supposed to have a video visit with my Sunday friend. I’m just so tired of this distance. Yesterday in the ER was like some sci fi movie but real! All us patients in rooms people peered in the window at and talked to by intercom and if they did come in you couldn’t see thier faces. It was an experience I didn’t need like the hospital/rehab stint. Add in my first time with 911 and I’m thoroughly freaked out by masked and hazmat people. When they took me for the CT scan they didn’t take the bed as usual, special plastic wheelchairs they could wipe down. I understand it all, but psychologically it gets to you. Can’t tell one day from another anymore. Watching people walking cross the street to avoid close contact. I just took some Xanax as I am trying to stave off attacks but losing the battle. Maybe it’s just me but this isolation is killing me inside. Add in the physical symptoms and I’m losing it big time.
  7. I don’t think it’s invading her privacy. This is what you have of her. I wish Steve wrote some personal stuff down. All I have are old cards with poems and lots of music or computer stuff I don’t understand. I would hope he’d read the writings I left behind. My emails and postings, tho these wouldn’t exist. But if they did they’d show the love I truly feel for him and I’d want him to know that again and again. That’s why I vent or unburden here. Writing a journal myself no one would read in the outside world. Someone might feel obligated to if I willed it to them, but it’s really for him. I don’t have that meaning to them. It’s a wonderful gift, JimJim. 💖
  8. I second your last sentence, Marg. Absolutely, definitely limit watching the news. The fear is inching towards paranoia already and after my experience in the ER yesterday, it may get worse. I check the latest updates and that is it. Just want to know if any new protocols or restrictions are in place. Don’t want to hear about death rates, projected or real, endless stories of suffering. I don’t stick around to hear he neighbor helping neighbor thing anymore because as great as that is, it’s stll keeping my brain focused on the virus. Living day to day does that enough as it is. That’s why I prefer the night. Feels just a little more normal to be home like everyone else. The days are just too weird. Can’t tell weekends from weekdays anymore. That’s freaky. They say to keep your normal schedule, but you can only do that at home. Can’t go to places like we did. I so miss volunteering and seeing my counselors face to face.
  9. I was released and no embolism. Unfortunately, no definite cause for how I’m feeling. Soon after the relief I dropped back into anxiety. And frustration. I got home and it was my dinner time and had to unpack my 'just in case' hospital bag and it was time fir dinner at 10pm.The day was a blur being in that creepy environment. Missed my escape nap. Of course worried I will feel this tomorrow and have already done the options. Just hoping it’s not worse. The doc asked me (because of my anxiety disorder) if I felt more stressed out than normal. Uh, yah! When I had told him I really noticed it when shopping he said maybe you are just to tensed out because it’s so different. I know that is a part of it. Maybe it is the epicenter, tho anxiety never physically lowered my oxygen saturation, tho I never measured it as I didn’t have a monitor.. on the plus side I looked improved on my lungs that are so trashed. What they picked of my spine did not sound good which I knew from the pain. Now I wait to see if they call about the covid screening. Only will if its positive. I've noticed I am hyper ware of music and movies about blossoming love and family. A consequence of the loneliness. Watching all those brave health care workers (I thanked them all) protecting us and themselves because they had families or love interests beyond just not themselves. Saw lots on the phone to home. Trekking to the car in the dark to come home were deserted streets with houses with warm home fires burning. They looked so warm. I remember being one of those houses with life. I hope all of you stay healthy and can withstand the extra loneliness here strange times have caused. ❤️
  10. As luckwould have it, I’m back in the ER with breathing problems. Even had called 911 and had that experience. They assessed me and advised calling my doc and was told to go to the ER. It’s the strangest experience as I got in immediately, but they won’t come inthe room unless absolutely necessary. Couldn’t even parking the lot, had to be helped by wheelchair. They have these fans in the room that are deafening. I’ve had the customary EKG, blood draws, X-ray and new nasal swab for the virus. Waiting on a CT and hoping like crazy I get to go home. I don’t think I can mentally take another admission. I know they don’t want to admit people if possible for strains of supplies. I’m almost at a point that I would leave AMA if it comes to that. This also gives me another day of laying with my bad back with no exercise. So I’ll pay for that too. One of the heart monitor leads came off and no one has come to fix it. I don’t do well out of routine and I should be home right now giving my furry kids green beans. They have someone patrolling the hall looking in making sure you are not doing anything but laying there. I’m concerned because the X-ray obviously to the CT requirement. It’s an hour later and still I wait. I’m so tired of more crisis. I wish it would just end. It’s time like these I just want to end. This is he most extreme isolation I’ve felt in the presence of other humans.
  11. So true, Kay. People cannot even see their loved ones who are dying in person. They’re using face time on computers for those that are coherent. Couples are not even supposed to get close at home but I don’t know anyone doing that. Everything is potentially a threat and that’s hard to live with. One could go for groceries and bring something home. Yesterday it was about walking thru air after someone sneezed. Today I read not to get all freaked out about that as the study was done in a lab with aerosol contagion. When people sneeze the droplets are too heavy to stay in the air. Should only be a concern for health care workers that have to break the 6 foot distance. Just like they changed you don’t have to sanitize your groceries beyond produce which one would do anyway. Each day creates more stress and I wonder how people will handle it. It’s taken over the news with grim death tolls. People will become frantic they won’t be able to get food or medication. We’ve all seen how crazy people can go when rational thinking is stretched to its limits. I guess that is my fear. That this will become more than a physical crisis. It’s mentally challenging as it is now. I’m looking at it more than just families but as humanity itself. I wish I could just have.a long, beneficial cry in Steve’s arms. Crying creates dopamine to calm and relax people. For some reason I can’t cry lately. I want to but it shuts down on me. The timing for that is terrible.
  12. Truer words were never spoken, as is said. I don’t know how many times people have misunderstood my feelings. Thinking I an doing something wrong by often citing the impact this has on every aspect of my life. Not expressed dramatically, just as a reminder that thing they do that are tough with thier mates is quite different were they to have to do them without. They just don’t factor that in as they don’t have to. I do often hear what a bummer something is, but (insert name here) and I will just have to get thru it. Rolls of their tongues so easily. I got an email ths morning from a friend whose knee surgery was cancelled, but his wife was there to help on the stuff he found too painful. I don’t have a backup for my pain tasks. Some of us that don’t have some family. My housekeeper is delayed til May. I changed my bed and vacuumed and don’t know if I could do that again. I can’t even fathom back surgery alone. I’m missing the motivation beyond possible pain relief. So I can live in this loneliness more easily? Physically yes, mentally, no. So I could change the half empty bed and vacuum the dog hair? Plod thru the days missing him that will never end? Point being, swayed off the trail there, that how we choose to savor and honor that love we were so fortunate to find is no one else’s business. When that line is crossed I do fight back to protect that. This is our life with and now without them. No one has a say in that but us. I get very protective and can cut the guise of 'caring' when I see they are just clueless, bored, think I am holding on too tight (that’s not conscious, it just is, I feel love), or looking for pity. Yeah, right. Why would I want that? Just acknowlogence this is something very deep and personal they cannot understand. I respect most the people that have told me that. The ones that from being around me and seeing the changes have said they view thier mate more. That is what I can pass along.
  13. You are alone in your grief, but you still have part of your family you are now solely responsible for. That makes the weight of it even more. Your children have their grief which is different than yours. But you are in it together. What I hope for you is that while it has bound you all in pain, it will at some point bind you all tighter in the love you all share for him. Yes, outsiders are relieved. I was once one. So glad it was not me. That is gone. You do have choices going forward. The loneliness is sinister, good choice of a word. It’s cruel and cold. There still is warmth with your family. I hope you find it. It’s a life changing event you have now, hold into each other.
  14. You made some excellent points in your post, Dre. Don’t downplay your grief to anyone else’s. 95 days or 10 years, the pain and void will always exist. None of us are better off because of time really. We just have more time experiencing it. Maybe get some tolerable days, but all in all, we are all lonely for that love that cannot becreplaced and yes, for me, the night is the worst. Longer time just emphasizes what we lost. At your point I was still in shock mode so going forward is when the reality stepped in and brought new feelings and challenges. Not saying this to scare you, just to validate your grief as just as important as everyone else’s.
  15. I think that there are times this holds true, but I have also discovered it can come roaring back (I’m there right now) because it gets triggered in some way. I am feeling things that I haven’t as I’ve 'adapted' over the years. The added isolation hasn’t helped, but that and severe health issues have awoken that intensity. Things I would have never had to face alone. I’ve overcome so many changes to handle alone, but I’ve reached a place that has a wall too high for me to get over. Too high to do alone. I’ve really looked at it from every possible angle. There are solutions, but they are so frightening. The only thing that would help is Steve being here. So I feel trapped. I’ve reverted to the beginning when having to do something simply I never had was a challenge. This one is huge beyond one either of us ever had to make alone. 5 years and I’m as helpless as when it began. Add in the pressure I have to do something to solve it when I just want to curl up, say enough is enough and disappear. I agree we weren’t meant to endure this kind of pain, but it happens. That’s when people make dire choices. Sometimes fatal. It’s being addressed because of this virus. Mental health is now being looked at very seriously. Grief has been here forever and that is not shared as a community/global threat so we are, IMO, doubly challenged. When things go back to normal, whatever that will be as this is going to have long lasting impact, we will still be essentially left behind as always. They won’t create a TSA screening for grief a they did for air travel. People will still forget and say things and give unsolicited opinions and advice that haven’t got a clue. Worse yet, I know some that think we are better prepared for this forced isolation. If they only truly knew. 😢
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