Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Gwenivere

  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

12,275 profile views
  1. Having a very tough time today. Last day here and can’t break free from the anxiety. I hate this. My discharge will come from the nurse tomorrow with a small supply of the meds they have been getting me (the anxiety ones) and I plan to ask why I don’t get them all as they were ordered for me specifically and insurance is paying for them. I can hardly focus today. Don’t know if PT is coming by, but logic says they have close out their file. I got the ridiculous suggestion of buying a new living room chair or a recliner which you have to try when I can barely move around beyond this room. Plus you need more time than a couple minutes to know if comfortable at my age. That flexibility has been gone for years. Definitely compromised now. The surgeons office finally called today around 4:30. Talked to a different PA who was very nice. She said they wouldn’t be releasing me if they didn’t feel I could handle it. Plus they make money off me. That it was totally natural to be afraid as my world is all changed now. (Where have I heard that before?). She’s hoping I will feel better mentally in my own space as I’ve adapted to this altered life for weeks. She really emphasized how intense this surgery was and I was heading to becoming paralyzed. While I’m over the hump of peak pain, I have a lonnnnnng way to go. (She mentioned next summer, hope that means as full a recovery for my situation) She offered me an appointment next week, but I’m going to wait til the 14th if possible. I also got a call from home health care so will have to deal with them. Ugh. I may be lonely, but this is the wrong kind of people overload. I hate panic disorder, this blow of nature handed me, another test if life is worth living and robbing me of the love of life who I need so desperately right now. Who I want so much to take me home and feel safe again. I haven’t in years. I really don’t now. I keep being told to be positive. How do you do that when you feel like you already lost? Just really hoping I’m not gripped with panic in the morning. I’m sitting here tonight envisioning the worst. Anticipation is the worst. Just wanna curl up and disappear.
  2. Can tell things are winding down here. OT came by for the last time. PT didn’t show at all. Did my very mini version by walking the hall which is limited without oxygen. Didn’t sit in the chair for half an hour as it hurts. Got my shower but it was especially tough. We have a rain front moving in and Tuesday is supposed to be the worst which figures. I’m still overwhelmed thinking of all to start doing at home. I got a B12 shot that always revs up my anxiety, but not annoying like getting it at this time. I didn’t need extra stimulation. I was talking to my neighbor here and she told me of her med history. (Obviously the big topic in these places). Can’t walk because her B12 flatlined, has dialysis 3 times a week, blew out a replaced knee, has to be redone as well as the other, hopes to walk again. I thought about my plight and wondered if I’m feeling too sorry for myself. Every step of it her son has been there. There was the difference. Not a day goes by she can’t call him. She said she was in another rehab she hated and he had her out in 24 hours. She talked about positivity and I see where she finds it. I was falling into the comparison trap again. I think of all the things I did at home that i have no experience with since this change. The docs want me to keep moving and I’m going to have to see how that works in a confined house. Just praying for a refuge spot. There has to be one or I will go crazy from pain. I’m not looking for pity, just validation my situation IS as valid as everyone else’s. Everyone here’s situation is their reality and challenging to them. I’ve seen the crippling times and when someone does something I admire for their strength.
  3. My gawd, Kay! Huskies are known to be aggressive and protective. Not a breed I’d choose if I had children and lots of visitors. Im sorry to hear your DIL didn’t find this serious enough to give up dinner. You shouldn’t have been alone In this. Sounds like red flags about the dog. Definitely not a situation for a ‘surprise' for you. New dog, no history of behavior with strangers and little with the family. IMO, sounds like the whole thing was mishandled. As a kid I did kid and dog sitting. I knew what to expect. How are you going to handle being at home with these injuries? I know it’s family, but I hope they help you with the costs for care. I’m so glad you were able to protect Kodie. Now it’s getting you fixed. The whole situation blows my mind. What were they thinking? Sorry, I’m blurting my thoughts. I care about you and this makes me angry.
  4. Steve wasn’t a blip, but I’ve read enough here of people that experienced that. I don’t know if either is in any way less devastating, don’t see how it could be. Is the shock from a quick loss even comparable to spending time watching your hourglass running out? It got to a point that we couldn’t ignore it anymore. But at the moment, either way it is a blip and they are gone and we all wind up here. For me, I’m grateful I didn’t witness it. He wasn’t aware. Had he been, that would be different. I don’t have that image to carry with the weight of this grief. I saw enough of it as he slipped away from me slowly over months. He would not have wanted me to bear anymore as he knew I was dying with him. I’ve found myself less attached to tangible things as time goes by. It’s the memories that I cling to like gold. There was a time that tangibles really affected me. That you had to decide, pack them and now have a new home for them will probably add more closeness to them. I’m glad you have family to pass them along to. Some of Steve’s music stuff may still find a home. His guitar he left me has to go to our buddy from the band. I’m giving my jewelry to my cousin just to keep it in the family, but it won’t have that much significance to her never having met Steve. It’s weird I really have no one to love my artwork to. Maybe D as we have grown closer. I can only imagine how hard this is. It’s final now and it is going to catch up. You had such a hard time over the last year getting this all in place and hitting those unexpected speed bumps driving out of the neighborhood and onslaught of memories. What I meant to put here was. 💖😓
  5. Wasn’t Boli a member here? Can’t find the name in the database.
  6. Cannot imagine getting up at that hour. Your clock is all over the place. Do you think it’s all the commitments and recent stress? I’m trying to sleep with pain because of stress. I know you’ll survive, if anythIng, you seem to excel. Either that or the kids will cure your insomnia. I wish I never had to go to the doctor ever again. Didn’t need them at all. It’s been about 5/6 years since I lost my doc of decades and he was the only one I never dreaded. I almost enjoyed it because he took whatever time was needed to cover everything. Never left feeling we missed anything. Wouldn’t happen now. Max you can get is 30 minutes. We’d often spend 90 minutes. Never could happen now. It’s a fight to get 20 minutes in less than weeks.
  7. Thanks Kay. I didn’t make any phone calls today. Started my day with an anxiety attack. They gave me a lidocaine patch that I think is the cause of a headache I’ve had all day. I got restless before PT got here so did some significant walking in and asked to do a lap to hopefully help my muscles. Could conflict with the new pain. I’m reaching a point of so many weeks of pain and lack of sleep, I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Everything is becoming a blur. I talked to a very caring med assistant today and she tried her best to reinforce I will handle this at home. So tired of hearing this when I can’t be on my feet long without wanting escape from the never ending pain. I’m realistic enough to know this is going to be a huge challenge. Can’t call the surgeon today because they are closed. I asked for help days ago and was blown off, like I don’t matter. I’ve noticed the fear and depression are taking over as the only emotions I feel now. The clock is ticking down to the supreme challenge.
  8. If there is one thing I am learning from my recovery adventure, it’s saying no to things that are being shifted to me that I can’t control or frustrate me because the doctors or whoever want more info and they are perfectly capable to have their staff do the legwork. My mind is overflowing with how I am going to adjust to being home to do added tasks I’m not needed for. I don’t know why you keep getting tapped for help beyond you are a very giving and caring person. But we have to come first. You have a full plate as it is. Take care of you first and foremost and see what you have left in your choices. I’m proud of you for drawing lines. That takes more strength than people realize.
  9. I miss making plans. Together. This 'just today' has gotten old for me too at 7 years. I have to do that with my surgery but there’s supposed to be a payoff eventually. Not with grief. Not the kind of payoff we want and that is we get them back.
  10. Wisdom tells me to wait til I talk with the surgeon. I’m in so much pain as it is I can’t see getting down the stairs to my car or how I would get in without help. I do truly wish Steve were here obviously. The usual minor things are going to be so challenging to adapt to. Yes I can order food to be delivered. Gets expensive tho and D said she will pickup stuff. PT came by and was trying to figure out how I can sleep here without so much pain til I can try my own bed. It took laying on my back with 6 pillows for my head and 2 under my knees. I couldn’t hardly get up for that early morning bathroom break, much less get back in like I was. I’m pinning a lot of hope on my home bed as it’s an actual mattress. I appreciate their trying to help my remaining time here, but sometimes it’s not very feasible. I also reminded PT they don’t know how long it can be waiting for an aide to help. That will cost me sleep time and pain too. I took a quick walk in the hall alone. Couldn’t go far without oxygen. Frustrating. My.levels drop so fast and enough that I forget I used to be able to go shopping or would often forget to turn my car tank back on. This whole experience is pushing me to limits, some I’m not sure I can achieve. I’m not.as strong as they keep telling me. Just got a message from my PCP after telling him my insurance needs him to say I need home help. He asked if the facility could do it. I shot back.....this is what I was told and for him to coordinate with whatever parties involved. I need what little energy I have to deal with recovery. I can see scheduling when I need someone, but I’m not going to do more legwork. I’m sick of it. I got the info from my insurance so do it! crawling off to another night in paradise.
  11. That’s the rip of being adults now. Kids get much more intervention. My old doc jumped on things he foresaw as problems for his young patients. As adults, we have decades of habits snd usually self defined coping skills that could be better. Neither of our conditions were well know for decades. I look at many of the treatments they tried that were utter failures. I do all I can to educate people snd the med community as it’s still swept aside as a 'nervous personality' that it is a physical condition too. They should know this by now. Not enough do. Even depression which is recognized can be used to blow off some serious problems. Medicine wants things.black and white and we know it doesn’t work that way.
  12. I can’t fast forward thru ads on TV in rehab. So now I’m up on all of them. At home I just stop for cute ones. I can’t pause anything here either. It’s the way we used to have to watch TV before we got spoiled. 🙂 Our wills are set to donate everything. I did add my cousin in from my half. Steve’s goes to prostate cancer research and mine to the HSUS and Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine to stop animal testing. just got my hospital bill. As expected, a couple grand. Will be the same when I leave here. It may be time for a change when enrollment comes up. I just am so worn out that the research (even with help of the state) seems too much. The irony is paying so much to get into more pain. Hard to fork over money when I feel so bad. It’s getting worse and I don’t know why. Billy was stronger than I could ever have been. Now that I’m older and have a 7 year old, I think about her getting exercise, but she’s really content, having lived with me being older but she had Ally for years to pester, being a laid back lady. I could never give her away and it’s fear I have right now as I prepare to go home. I’m hoping she’ll be motivation to try and live with this pain with no help easily accessible.
  13. Oh yes, that is a great commercial. How beautiful your Maddie was. Looks like a lot of St. Bernard. I wish that treatment worked for us all! 🐕 There’s a new Rottweiler mix pup here that belongs to a staff member. About 6 months old and so.......puppyish. All legs and curiously.
  14. I looked up misophonia. I now have a better understanding of why you are so drawn to music as that was said to be a good treatment. The articles said this was more serious than the usual nails on a chalkboard. That people can be sensitive to noise laden environments. I know you miss your FIL. Another connection to Annette. I drove around and saw all the changes since Steve left. Adds to his absence. Hard witnessing the things we would have griped about together. Really haven’t seen anything we’d be happy about. We were used to a simpler time. Less massive shopping and more mom and pop places in the neighborhood. Kinda like Cheers....where everybody knows your name.
  15. Great news about Kelli, Marg. I hope the other tests go well and no chemo! I'll be doing the frozen meals too, soon. Handy, but usually not very filling. Not that I care much about food. That is one of things I’ll miss about rehab, room service. if I knew then what I know now I never would have started antidepressants. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to get of mine. Something I could discuss with my shrink, but he’s a fan, wants me to take more. Can’t afford to upset him or I’ll lose my Xanax. I got suicidal on one of them. Fortunately never hurt Steve. We just had cold weather too and getting warmer later in the week. Fall is in the air tho. Heard it was official the other day.. what dog food commercials do you cry at? I can’t take the ASPCA 2 minute ones of hurting animals. Love the Subaru golden retriever ones. The puppy in the car seat always makes me smile.
  • Create New...