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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,320 profile views
  1. Your post is so right on, Marg. I find so much of what others say uninteresting. I don’t like feeling that way, but I can’t make myself care. I hope it comes back. I had it for a time. Then all the medical stuff stated snowballing and I went into survival mode. And, for the gazillionth time, the smoking quit has me feeling the worst I have ever felt. I’m not expereriencing all the good stuff I read in the groups. I’m in the ER ahhhhhhhhgain because of breathing issues and starting a new thyroid med and waiting for the overdose of a part of the old one to clear my system. It’s all so very complicated and all I could do was come here for some reassurance. 5 hours so far. Took 3 to get a room of which I was moved out to the hallway as they needed the room for someone else. I’m stuck waiting on a chest X-ray reading before they will give me my paperwork. The place is being remodeled so they are down 4 rooms and logically someone else who needs it could get their stuff going. But I feel like a piece of trash parked here. I’d just leave but I want my lab results so I don’t have to go to medical records to get them. Because I’m so stressed I’m trying to stay angry and not panic. The dogs are going to go nuts when I get home, I have no dinner for myself laid out and I need to fill my med boxes for a couple weeks. What is it about being in grief and having bigger challenges added? Some kind of cosmic sick humor? Sorry, I’m losing it here. Thank gawd it’s almost Xanax time. No reply needed to this really. Just keeping my fingers busy while I think about all I have to do when I get home which means missing my sanity nap. We’re supposed to take care of and be kind to ourselves, but this is a tough one. Trying to decide to really whack it out and get MacDonalds on the way home which will sit badly, but it’s food.
  2. David, you and your daughter both suffered a huge loss. The journey will be different for you both by your connection to your wife. I’ve been the child and the spouse. Many of us have. Losing my mother was a primal bond of being protected and taught about life. Being a wife was an ultimate bond of giving myself to someone and they to me forever. Nature ran its course in both situations. The grieving is very different. I love and miss my mother deeply, but she was not a part of my daily life anymore. I still feel I lost her too soon at 35. Steve was my life for almost 40 years. 31 married. I’m glad you both have each other. She needs to see your grief and you hers. Both shared the feeling we were loved and the most important person in the world. To ,lose that is indescribable pain. I’m glad you found us, but sad you had to.
  3. Well, the drama goes on and on dealing with the world, I’d say life but that’s pushing it. I’m still trying to juggle 4 physical maladies alone and getting more depressed and withdrawn every day. I’m really glad medicine has so advanced, but when conditions get intertwined and several doctors want all different types of tests or dabble with med doses and you are alone, it’s created a zombie like state for me. I just want to be left alone from them all. And because things are so out of control, they want to see me more. I understand they are trying to help but they aren’t the ones that have to do what they come up with. I look at where I am compared to 10 years ago before Steve got sick and so long for those days. I look at repairs needed I haven’t the motivation to do because I’m starting to not care. I need a new range hood but that means I have to do the being around while they first measure and then get one and install it. That was Steve’s thing. I sat at my counselors and just cried. How did it come to this? 9 years of sliding downhill to this. I don’t even have enough energy to be mad anymore. I need what little I have to get out of bed and get thru the day I try and fill as they are all so empty. My counselor did the math on how much anxiety meds I was taking and it was half of my daily doses. That explains my feeling so uncomfortable going out and waking feeling withdrawl. I don’t even know how it happened. The repetitious loneliness and craving for him is indescribable. I know I don’t have to because you all know the feeling. I so want to care about something, someone. I want to be eating a home cooked meal than sitting at the table again in silence. I saw changes in the neighborhood that will wipe out beautiful vegetation to build more apartments and increase traffic. I’d daunt be talking to him about that and I know he would be as upset as I am. I want to be grumbly with him again. The changes in our little world. But it’s me, the furry kids sandwich Nd a bag of chips. It’s all so cold. Someone here said 'I was killed but left alive'. So very true. Lifecgoes on, I see it every day.......like a ghost.
  4. Marg, is you niece hyperthyroid? People that are hypo are usually freezing all the time. I’m hypo and hot, but from the doc increasing my med for it. I was cold all the time before they started mucking with it. I have quitting smoking to thank for that. If I weren’t in danger of having a stroke or heart attack, I’d quit this quit. I’ve never felt worse physically and mentally for this 'good' thing I am doing. And then I wonder why I worry about consequences. I don’t want to be here anyway. Darned inate survival we have wired into us. Steve’s cancer was silent. There were a few little things that might have been predictors, but we sure didn’t link them to cancer. Mostly to just getting older. Please don’t beat yourself up about missing signs in Billy. When we are in severe pain is very consuming. I know cause I am every day and people tell me things and I could care less. That makes me feel bad, but thier joy or pain I have no energy for honestly feeling good or bad for them. Plus the good stuff depresses me and the bad they have partners for. I’m a good actress tho.
  5. That’s about when it hit me too, JTB. Now into my 5th year I’m not feeling that, but the day after day still wanting to talk to him and feel like I matter to one other human being. I did have to kinda relive those last moments as a friend just died a couple days ago. As to those that think enough time has passed, they know nothing. People think they get it. I had done so much anticipatory grief I thought I did too, til it happened to me. This has changed so much about me and one of the biggies is an anger that erupts when an outsider talks to me like they know how it feels. I’m usually very patient with people, but not on that.
  6. I’m so aware how suddenly someone can be taken from us I tell people often that I love them. Not in some syrupy way, but I get it in there because I want them and I to know it was said the hast time we talked. Even if it is just signing an email 'love ya'. I get torn about talking about Steve. I certainly don’t want him forgotten, but find often it makes sadder to do so after the conversation and those neurons have been reignited and I am alone. Talking about him so easily spills out at times and others I hold it in because I know there will be fallout. I am in pain no matter what. They say a person isn’t really dead if they are still talked about.
  7. I remember when I joined here and you talked about all the years your George has been gone and I got very scared of I could handle that, Kay. I’ll always be 5 years behind you but I now see that I was projecting (remember, I didn’t know you at all at the time) that I could never continue and do the things you were doing. Now I understand what you meant. We all know we can do or find solutions, we were just always in team mode. We’re all capable people. I guess I am used to being alone. There are times I want to call to him for help on something. And yes, this isn’t my preference. He should be here frustrated that another thing has broken and needs repair. Or BBQ'ing so I get a good meal and night off. He should brush the dogs again. Help me fold huge bed linens. Unload heavy groceries, haul the trash and recycle to the street and on and on. But we do it AND love them more as the time passes. I didn’t know I could love him more but the past 4+ years has proven me wrong. That would have happened anyway, just wish I could tell him. There is a couple in Blue Bloods that one would say I love you, the 2nd would say I love you more and the 1st would end with I love you most. I did that all the time to get the last line.
  8. George, I was confronted with tons of legal changes I had to make when Steve died. I did those. Personal things are much different as you are finding. I removed ALL medical supplies and destroyed all pictures of him taken when he was sick. That was easy . Then came the house. It’s pretty much the same. I did donate his clothes except for a few favorites, but I don’t use that closet much. My only regret was taking his robe he never really wore but I bought for him. Cancelling his phone was tough. His bathroom is the same. I go in there now and then. Always hard. I tried removing his placemat and couldn’t do it, so it’s still there. I’ve kept his van despite the cost. Figure if a placemat got to me, his car not being here sure would. Never have regretted that. I went to the bank too and found I would have to get a new checking account without his name. That would mean resetting auto bill pays. More than the hassle of that, I realized I didn’t want his name erased from our assets, like you. I’m now facing another, I think, last decision. I moved all mail from our PO Box to the house as he mostly used it for band and computer equipment so it wasn’t stolen. I’ve been making that trip to the PO every day for over 20 years. There is never anything there now but occasional spam. But that key. It’s taken on emotional significance. In a world that essentially erased him, I like seeing his name, tho it hurts immensely. What is hard is when charities he alone was involved with call after years asking for him and I have to say the dreaded words to remove him from their list. My only advice, as this is unique to each of us, is not to make any big decisions for at least a year. It’s too easy hpthinking we can ease the grief with choices we may regret and cannot change. I didn’t even think about the post office til this year, my 5th. And that was for a tax receipt I knew would slip thru. This is your time table now. Don’t let anyone or emotion push you if it makes you at all uncomfortable. Your heart will tell you what it can handle and when. Kay said she put George’s picture up, down, up again. Listen to it.
  9. I’m trying to figure out how to do this when I can’t find one thing to look forward to. Maybe going to sleep, that’s it. It’s no way to live. No family. Found out a friend of 18 years is dying, probably in the next few days. I went to see him and recognized what I saw with Steve. I cancelled a doc appointment so I could see my counselor and go by to see him again tomorrow if he is still alive. Its truly humbling what the loss cycle brings now. I’m getting cut off from so many things I used to do and struggle with the isolation. I don’t count the myriad of doctor visits and calls as being involved in life. How to fill the voids perplexes me. Unfortunately, Amazon doesn’t have anything I want or need. What I want doesn’t come in a box. 😪
  10. How wonderful for you, Karen! I know how hard Debbie is on your heart. Kudos for your son. ⭐️
  11. Is it really a paradox, tho? I remember when Katpilot and Cathy got together and their saying there were 4 people in that relationship, always would be. i don’t know you Robin, but it’s always good news when someone feels better and life returns to them. I wish you the best. 🦋
  12. Even if it is crying. I really notice how I push that aside when it can be so cathartic. Steve told me he cried one birthday in his 20’s because his whole family forgot and he felt so alone. It’s awful losing a day that was a ME day because we are special to people. Let us know how you are doing, Mitch.
  13. Glad your home, Kay. Bummer about the car. Why do things like that happen when we are already dealing with something significant? Not like grocery shopping. Anyway, if you have pain, I hope they gave you good meds! I always figure that’s the least they can do. 😎
  14. I know love is experienced differently by everyone. Like a spectrum ranging from full intertwinement to open marriages where there is love but room for involving other people openly. I hit the 100% entwinement end. I can’t help but feel that anything less means less deep tho. It’s a very interesting question you pose, Mitch. I know I loved Steve so intensely I’d want to give him anything to make him happy. But what if he wanted something uncomfortable even if I knew how much he loved me. Fortunately that never happened. If it came down to an ultimatum that would mean something was wrong from the get go.
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