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Gwenivere

Contributor
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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,396 profile views
  1. Lost, I’m not really sure how to respond to your post. The main reason is I don’t have a belief there is something beyond this existence. Faith, religion, spiritualism. I would be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong. And if I’m not, I’d never know. My gut tells me I will never see Steve again and that is the agony of it all, He believed there was something, but not in a religious way. He didn’t know if he would see his parents, our dogs or it was becoming part of a collective of energy. All I know is he felt more. I don’t feel him or see anything that means a sign to me he is somewhere. Our novel is over as he was my life. I do all the things we both did alone now because I have to. Some I don’t because I can’t and they have no meaning. To use an analogy, the pen has run dry. I’m not writing a new one. I’m into my 5th year alone after 4 years of being a caregiver for him. 9 years of mine my have been derailed and I exist in a world I have no purpose and believe me, I have tried. You are new and I don’t want to repeat all the things I have place to thank as a haven to unburden with the family I’ve come to love here because they understand. As they will anything you feel. You are right, each of our journies are own and unique. But we bond here. I read your other post and am so sorry you and your son have lost so much. Wife, mother and problems where you work. You have a shared heartache with him, but they are different. I hope some healing comes with you having each other. I’m appalled at how your wife was treated by the paramedics. I have a panic attacks often and had doctors dismiss complaints knowing that. I don’t know how one finds closure for how she was treated. you will find so much support here. I hope it will help knowing people care and will help you with anything you feel. .
  2. I vascilate. When the pain gets too intense, I wish I never met him. Thats when I see how dependent we became on each other in all the hard times. For me there is a level of anger that he never was alone, ever. I was the caregiver for over 4 years and now 4 years later there is no one there for me. But when it comes to true love, he is my definition of it. I knew other men but never felt what I did with him for very long. He was the one and had I never met him, I would have missed some incredible things. But also terrible ones. Love is messy but so fulfilling and can drive you crazy trying to figure it out. That is what death created as we didn’t do that before. It just.....was.
  3. Welcome Jackie. I’ve been reading of your battles and care very much as a member of this family here. It’s the club no one wants to join, but here we are. We have each other. you may be confusing reacting to responding to your posts. The heart in the corner means the person found much meaning in what you wrote and wanted you to know. Sometimes they don’t have anything to add, but want you to know they heard you. i hope you wil find the support I have found invaluable here. 🦋
  4. I got to thinking of all the roles I have had in my life. Daughter, sister, cousin, student, telephone technician, artist, volunteer, cook, shopper, house keeper, friend, lover, dog mom, wife, and so many others. With the exception of blood ties, I was all of those with Steve. I am now older than he was when he died. I’ve never been alone to experience the extreme loneliness and intense craving for his providing purpose to this life. I’ve never been alone in my life, ever. Someone once wondered here If they were more afraid of dying or dying alone. My reaction was I am already dead. I can’t fill the increasing voids. I’m not a joiner. I’m one on one, even in groups. My life was complete by our being together. There’s no guarantee with progeny. I read about the times many of you have that reflects the relationship you and your love produced. Some are heartbreaking, others are gifts. We never had that, tho we tried. I’ve reached a place of missing physical intimacy only we shared. It’s beyond the physical pleasure, tho I so miss that. We lost that when he began treatment for cancer 10 years ago. But he was here and I could do the girlie things women do. I did them for me and him for how it made me feel like a woman. I really don’t think of myself as a gender anymore. I use the same stuff but it’s habit. I’ve stopping dying my hair. There’s no one to miss the blonde. I had a dream last night and the man was my husband. But when he tried to hug and kiss me, I was repulsed, it wasn’t Steve. He didn’t smell right, make me tingly, it was awful. I wanted to escape. So I don’t know what I accomplished writing this. I’m so messed up physically and psychologically. Maybe an exercise if I can coherently put someone together as I’m so fogged out. This took 3 days to do.
  5. Kay, I also don’t know what to say or offer. Very much thinking of you and Arlie. 😓
  6. You have a way with words that always express the feelings we share. I know it’s not true, but it feels like punishment. I imagine many hit with catastrophic situations feels this way. My young neighbor just had a double mastectomy. Yet she sees it as it a fight for survival because she has a life with lots of plans. That’s where we are different. I don’t feel I have a life, I exist now in that solitary prison. That you could take joy from watching a bird has me beat. I do take into account I am so rock bottom because of being hit with serious medical stuff that emphasizes the loneliness. If those were reduced it would help. My counseling is suffering as they are hijacking valued time for my emotional needs. I so wish I had some words of comfort for you as you face another year. I see your pain and want to reach out. I hope knowing your pain has been heard helps just a little. I’m around people sometimes but they don’t get it so it makes it feel worse. We need connection to feel true empathy and compassion. Give and take, sharing, feeling we matter and can return that feeling. It’s not a natural state if you had it and it’s taken away. I have never felt like this before. Wish I never had. The reason for us all is obvious. Its really very simple, we want to feel alive. Many hugs to you at this milestone. At least here I do feel for everyone. I do care about you. 💔 BTW, isolation is used as a form of torture. It’s very effective as we have seen.
  7. Great looking family, Kevin and congrats on being a 4th generationar, if there is such a word. I just watched a movie called ALPHA. It’s about tribes about 2000 years ago. A mans son is presumed dead during a hunt and has to make his way home. He connects with a wolf and it was so fascinating watching them establish trust. It also led me to see how we now have domesticated dogs. I highly recommend it for it’s uniqueness. I liked they did it in the tribes language to fully experience both to not understand each other via words so you could see how the wolf came to know words and the son to read body language. Won’t be for everyone, just passing it along.
  8. I think the saying applies more to circumstances that can’t be resolved like breaking up, someone saying or acting hurtful, misunderstandings between people that never resolve them because one moves on and leaves you to get closure much longer. It does not apply to our situations. That’s not a wound, that’s an amputation of the emotional heart. No time will heal that.
  9. She hasn’t been here since May. I do hope she is safe.
  10. Your whole post is a reflection of exactly how I feel. Anxiety, aging alone, lack of meaning and purpose. This line particularly struck me because my reaction is I’m already dead. Dead in all the ways that bring any meaning to life. I don’t know how to do this after years of trying. I think the fear of dying is the unknown of it. What really happens. As we age we become more aware of what is coming. One of my dogs is elderly and I’ve never had to face that alone. I know Kay is also in that place. I exist is the most I can say. My body functions but there is no 'life' in my head and heart. There is no give and receive anymore beyond passing encounters with strangers. Even my volunteering leaves me cold inside now. It’s so hard to feel a part of anything when you don’t feel like you matter the most to someone on this huge planet, and you have a person you care about too. I saw a plane getting ready to land on my way home. Inside were people that would have someone or family so glad to see them. Reminded me of when we saw each other every other weekend when he took a job here. The giddiness and anticipation. It was intoxicating. The original plan is WE would not want for anything financially and we achieved that together. I am grateful for it but without him I wonder what he thought I would do knowing HE was my life. Buy stuff we can’t share? Upgrade techie stuff that was only fun because we did it together? We’d have new TV's and sound system for our precious kick back after dinner time. We'd have a screen as large as a wall if I didn’t reign him in. I’d gripe about too many bellls and whistles in a new car. Bottom line, we’d be happy as we always balanced each out out. I hijacked your post, CairnLady. Sorry about that. You really got me to thinking tho. Seeing the pain again for what it is. I always feel it but sometimes someone writes the perfect words and my emotions pour out as I keep them in check living around people that have never experienced this and I scare when they think of it happening to them, as it should. Sad part about that is they avoid the subject making it more lonely. How often did we ourselves toss about the words lonely, sad, depressed, heartbroken and meaningless? We are the definition you can’t find in any dictionary.
  11. I’m so sorry, C. We missed our 31st by 3 months. It’s never gotten easier since. One of the cruelest parts of grief, taking one of the happiest days and turning it into one of seering pain. Hugs to you. 💔
  12. All I can do is cross my fingers and toes one of the other docs in my clinic are not bezophobes. I’m hoping my doc will have prepared good matches for all her patients knowing thier needs and not needing changes. It’s the least she could do. My former PCP quit out of the blue, not even the staff knew til that day and I was his last patient. Sure was a cruel thing to do to all of us, staff included, that cared so much about him as he was so caring for decades. While I was trying to wrap my head around this upcoming change, I was cleaning my parakeets cage and dropped the dirty try with the seed and water cups in the living room. Arg! i did get my 25 year gift for volunteering. A pin (have ones for 1, 5, 10 and 29). Plus 2 generous gift cards for 2 stores I shop at a lot. So something to feel a little better. Brought back a lot o memories of so many extraordinary people I got to share friendships with I would have never known. People that taught me a lot and I mattered to. I’m only sad I am getting old and so I’m more limited myself to be as involved. There are some days I want to borrow a wheelchair to get around. 😎
  13. I just got a notice today my PCP is leaving the clinic after our visit next week. She is the one I love compared to her colleague who is very removed. She’s doing the thyroid (in conjunction with my doc) and doesn’t like my anxiety meds that have worked well for decades. I swear, the hits keep coming. Took me forever to find the good one after my last doc quit. I couldn’t even think up the mishaps that keep befalling me in the last year, but I sure am getting paranoid. I don’t even know what motivation feels like anymore. I’m always waiting for another shoe to drop now. My PCP was my safety net and that’s being pulled away. Again.
  14. Saw one of my thyroid docs today. I feel so trapped now on treatment. It’s long, boring and detailed so no sense in typing it out. I’m just so darned frustrated dealing with it on top of my other issues. This oxygen tubing is driving me frigging insane. If I or the dogs don’t step on it, it gets snagged on something. I literally scream when that happens now. I don’t need it all the time, but it helps a bit psychologically with all the anxiety that I have to fight now because of the other issues. When you leave my docs, they give you a summation of the visit, changes and dates of upcoming appointments. I have one booked to see an ear guy for dizziness month end. Now that I have a referral for an endocrinologist, I can try getting in sooner than November as a new patient. This would be good if I had my motivation to do it. But he was taken from me. See the dentist next week because it’s been a year and don’t want any headaches there. I used to not mind going. Nitrous and really cool hygienist. Now it’s more medical decor. Lights, gloves, gowns, machines. White, white, white. No ambiance or warmth. A reflection of my life now. I so miss you, Steve.
  15. Well, Kay, at least that leaves king crab legs. Yum! And mussels and clams.
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