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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,590 profile views
  1. To follow your referencing Karen, at the time things we accumulated were not all wastes. I know at is why they are so dismaying to see now as they were once things we used. Now much just sits with no purpose. Adds to how I feel inside. I notice it all the time when I go shopping, especially groceries. It’s like black and white now. So little is what I bought before when meals and snacking were shared. I so rarely use the oven or burners. Everything I buy is precooked now. My diet has suffered for it too. Steve drank Mountain Dew like water so I was always chasing the sales. Things to BBQ, bake, broil. Always a side and veggies. Now I buy premade sides like Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and divide them for 2 meals adding some canned chicken or peas. Bagels, bread and peanut butter are my biggest stock. Frozen dinners too. Even take out that was a treat is a 3 times a week thing now. Haven’t been to a restaurant since before he left. Rereading this paragraph is so pathetic. Food has become so lonely. We don’t have any videos. We had a recorder at one time but it didn’t stick. Albums have been abandoned years ago of real pictures. The world has gone so digital. It’s a huge deal getting actual photographs now. It’s all on phones now to send people. Everything I have taken a picture of is on my iPad. I can take videos on it too. It’s all so lonely too having no family now to share anything with. I was in the ER again yesterday. Long gone are the days they could fix me. Aside from why I was there, the attending doc told me a lot of my pain is probably perifiral nerve damage that could be permanent. The dreaded back surgery was a possibility to find out. The one that takes up to a year to recover from and brings even more limited range of motion. This led back to the ever present why. So I can be here alone and do even less? It’s coming to that anyway. Off to another day to try and wait out the hours to go back to sleep. It’s nasty with rain and cold. Trying to think of somewhere to go as not leaving the house is very bad for my mind. I get to make some phone calls. Mostly medical. One to my cold shrink. My new social network. Just warched the new Aladdin movie with Will Smith which is great for feel good when you are in it. He was the most powerful being on earth, but couldn’t bring back the dead. That line caught my attention when he was telling Aladdin the wish rules. Would have just slipped by pre widowhood. Babble over.
  2. Marg deserves some extra spoiling right now. Here ya go.........🌹🦋🌷🌸🌈
  3. Marg said she has that tree up all year. Best way to win the race! Ah, those humdrum dreams of our previous lives. How we didn’t know just how special they’d become. I think about Upsets and oh, how I’d love to have those back. Heard a good line in a movie last night from a guy whose family had been killed and someone said to him......I know you are upset. The guy said.....'I got upset about flat tires, rush hour traffic, my sports team losing. What does that tell you about how I feel now?' That is a great answer. I'll never get used to the upset of waking up alone.
  4. Ah yes, The Eagles. One of my all time favorites. Great songs. I used to commute thru Winslow, AZ and Albuquerque and every time I went thru there (you had to take local streets at the time) Take It Easy played in my head. Absolutely loved Glenn Frey's voice. Easy on the eyes too! 😍
  5. I love what Dolly said. If only........ There is some country I like in classics like Patsy Cline. I am more into country rockish stuff. More upbeat even if it’s about something sad. Used to go dancing all the time and that was really fun. My former husband and I did some amazing stuff. Twirls and spins. I just downloaded a new song by Luke Bryan called What She Wants Tonight. Reminded me of Steve and my younger years when love and sex were so intense. I love Reba and Dolly. Reba’s a good actress too. Ah, to be so talented. Steve was folk music. He did covers of top 40 when he started ou got into redoing classics and eventually writing his own. I’m really hard rock at the core so it was quite the span of music around here. He played the banjo and flute for a short time, but guitar, bass and keyboards were his go to's.
  6. Thanks for the chuckle about the dog vomit. Honestly it’s times those I could use some divine intervention. I have a huge pad by the back door and area rugs all over the hardwood kitchen floor. Can they do that there? Oh no! It’s on the carpet somewhere. There’s even a pad in the living room on a dog pad pillow. I keep asking them......PLEASE, ON SOMETHING EASILY WASHABLE! 🤮
  7. I’m sorry you are here only because you have experienced such a loss and especially at such a young age. This is a family that understands all aspects of grief and everything felt is valid. Real. The phone calls, TV bothering you, they are triggers we have all felt. Post anything you feel and we will hear you. Share our experiences. You are now forever changed by the void your partner left. I’m not the person I was andnever will be. People in the world that have not experienced this will never understand til it happens to them. That us the hard part. It’s been 5 years for me and my husband and I had almost 40 years together and people still try to tell me they understand and what I could do. They have no clue. I had a few years to prepare also. It was not as I thought. Yours was sudden and that is so shocking to your heart. I hope you do find some solace here. I know I come here whenever I have a tough time or something to share, good or bad. There are no judgements. Just understanding and that is a lifesaver. It’s kept me afloat during very apdark times. Keep writing. We are here.
  8. That’s more than the usual 3 strikes, Gin. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and hope you get to feeling better sooner than later. Hope you have some goodies in the house for treats during all this. 💖
  9. No new friends, no one to call. Just more challenges. Just glad my dog is hanging in there. Thanks for asking, Dawn.
  10. Johnny, there is a picture in Steve’s bathroom layered with post it’s I used to leave Steve to find in the morning. He saved them all. It’s been over 5 years now since there was a new one. The last one was......we love you, dad.....all your girls. He also has one in his van taped to the rear view mirror. It’s so touching to me. I have a box of his cards and notes to me somewhere. I couldn’t handle it for years and put it somewhere and can’t remember where. The definite sign of a grief riddled brain. I do have his music but that I can’t listen to his voice yet. If ever. I hear in my thoughts all the time. I have only recently been able to see him in all the pictures around the house. He’s healthy in them. I rid the house of his cancer stage and the results of chemo and radiation. Now I see the Steve I loved, not Steve the patient and losing the fight. Never lose that note!
  11. Yes, Kay, I could benefit from it. I’m just in a mental place that the thought of needing strangers depresses me. Found one of the dogs threw up overnight and have that to clean up. All these simple things that have become monumental beyond the physical ability. It just so emphasizes the aloneness. This isn’t like my volunteering at the nursing home. This is physically personal. Something you want your partner for. I know many adjust to this. Guess I am still resisting. I appreciate help with chores. Or pay someone. This is so very different to me.
  12. I don’t know what to say, Gin. I just passed the death and birth days. Anniversary coming right after the holidays. It is lonely because it was a special day all ours. The others can be shared with friends, but not that day. Still can’t listen to his music. I see the photos and wonder if it was real. It was. The hard part is the was. Hugs to you,Gin. 😰
  13. It’s another day to deal with almost intolerable pain. Both kinds of pain. More medical help is the ER again after being there Wednesday. I just want to give up, surrender, but I don’t know how. What it means. I can’t do the things I’ve been told. I can’t get compression socks on from weak hands and can’t elevate my leg because of my back. My 'friend' is leaning on me very hard to get a dog sitting service set up (and this is practical), but I’m so consumed by this immediate crisis and unprocessed reactions to Steve’s death and birth. I’ve become a walking, ha! Limping anxiety attack. I’m met with her yesterday and more pressure even tho she says she understands this is a hard time. Easy to say when you are fully functional or have your spouses help. It very much concerns me I didn’t shed a tear regarding Steve. I’m so wrapped up in my stuff I seem to have blinders on yet I feel the inner pain like a knife. I want to cry out to him. Want him to hold me. Calm my fears a bit. I really feel I am standing on the edge of an abyss into vast darkness, like I will lose my mind. It’s so hard to feel I’ll never see him again. I really wish I could feel I would, but I don’t. Im hoping one of these days I can stop posting this crap. Yes, Marg, seeing my friend at Foss was the only highlight of the day. As I never know if I will get thru the day when I wake up, I push myself to do what I can. Thanks for the angel comparisons. But aren’t angels happy?
  14. So far I’ve spent Steve’s birthday at Urgent Care in massive pain, an errand and stopping by to see a resident I missed not volunteering today. I appreciate all your messages and my counselor sent me one which was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I’m numb and sad as I expected. Filled with anxiety and fear about this leg issue as the clinic was as baffled as the ER and my usual clinic. I’m so tired of pain, all off it. He would have been 68 today. I still can’t cry alone and that us so frustrating. Another lonely night, I guess. I miss him so much. So I do busy work to distract, but you can’t run from love.
  15. I’m glad the Thomas Wolfe quote only applies to my life in the last few years. Yes, there were hard times and losses along my journey, but until losing Steve did it become my way of life. I so relished life and denial wasn’t a poblem as it followed a natural order with parents and elderly.friends. Steve didn’t take my pain, he caused it. That’s a given. I didn’t know you had been in a coma, Marg. i don’t know about sharing pain. I only can believe Steve is free of pain as the body that caused it is gone. I don’t know if he still exists in any form. I can only relate it to dreamless sleep like anesthesia. A black void with no sense of self. So, I guess I am 'happy' for him. I saw and experienced things I wish I could erase from my brain. I, too, am selfish. Very selfish. I cannot tamp down the anger I feel of his being struck down and dying. The very person that was THE reason I was so happy is now the cause of pain the likes I could have not imagined mentally. I’m angry at him but know it’s not his fault. I’m angry at nature for it’s randomness. I’m angry mean and hurtful people are alive when the world we better off without them rather than Steve who was the most giving.person I knew. I’m angry at my body for the multiple conditions that conflict each other making treatment torture. I’m angry I can’t do the simple things I used to without help. I’m angry that if my dogs needed emergency help I may not be able to get them anywhere. I’m angry that I battle my body 24/7. I’m angry seeing anyone that can walk, breathe and are not dependent on as many meds as I am and the rituals to dress, shower and sleep. I see reading this I could have used the word depressed instead of angry. But they say depression is anger turned inward. So I guess it’s both. I expected to have problems at 64, but I took for granted Steve would be here, they wouldn’t be so immense to tackle alone. So that creates fear on top pf everything. A lot of 'what ifs'. Counselors say don’t go there, but how can you not? I’ve handled emergencies as they arise, but I am seeing I am not as confident and often break down in tears doing so when I used to be so 'strong'. I’m worn out. Broken by the isolation It’s a very effective torture method. I’m alone by myself as much as in a crowd. i was in the ER again last Wednesday for over 6 hours, conflicting diagnosis, had to call my doctor for med advice and that s a challenge by the layers they enact to get to them and had the finale of that day a tooth break off at dinner. My dentist was too booked to even look at it. Have to wait til next week and see it conflicts with another med appointment. I thank my family here for just having this outlet. Steve’s birthday is tomorrow after having gone thru the 5th anniversary of his death end of October. Now the holidays have begun so it’s hard to deal with the commercials and stores. Plus my birthday close to Thanksgiving and another year without his card or poem. Sorry for the babble, but Marg taught me well. And I mean that in a loving way to get some stress relief. ❤️ To you, Marg.
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