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Gwenivere

Contributor
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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Recent Profile Visitors

4,140 profile views
  1. I get my flu shot every September as soon as they are available.always hit and miss by science guessing, but I want a chance to skirt it if possible. Also got the 2 pneumonia shots. What’s the kicker is I have gotten sicker this year more than usual. Bad bad year.
  2. Did another volunteer day, sort of. My back degeneration is getting intolerable. Makes me feel useless. I’m too terrified of the surgery for it because of being alone and I mean without Steve. I’d still be terrified, but he would probably talk me into it seeing how I’m suffering. I wouldn’t have to worry about the dogs and a big chance of not having to go to a rehab facility for maybe weeks. Nor have strangers in as caregivers. I did some once simple errands after leaving the nursing home and I just want to cry and scream about the unfairness of getting disabled when I have to now operate without my partner. I know you can’t drive for maybe a couple months. But Steve could get me out. No one understands my reluctance of turning myself over to strangers. None of them have had to. My counselor just had both hips replaced and had his wife. Different recovery too. Only took a week off for each. Quicker recovery, less risks. Anyway, it’s so hard not feeling I belong at Foss now. I asked the activity gal if we could chat a bit in her office and she said not a good idea since the new director laid out all the unfriendly rules. I always walk out now and sit in my car wondering what to do. I used to spend hours there. Lots of laughter and comradery. Just a daily whine about stuff I have no control over. I just keep coming back to if Steve was here, all these kinda things wouldn’t be so heartbreaking. 2018 really set me back big time. I think of all I have given others all my life and now I need some back from my best friend. Again, no control on that. My heart is so dark.
  3. Dee, glad Maddie is doing well. I didn’t recall she was on chemo. Dogs do so much better with that. So glad we now have specialists for this. Hugs to you.
  4. Ana, I love your take on the spiritual and social levels. I don’t have as much time as you in front of me, but I do still need to learn new skills being alone now. It’s amazing that when you are used to conversing with someone daily about something or nothing that losing that affects your ability to have here and there conversations with people easily. I can talk with people in check out lines fine, but the sit down, let’s spend time talking is almost alien to me now. I haven’t gone out for dinner in years now. I meet a woman to chat on Sundays for an hour but run out of stuff to say. So I listen a lot about her overfilled life remembering when I had a full one too. She runs home to cook dinner for her wife. I get in my car and try and think of somewhere to go or do now that my Sunday dinners are take out instead of the big BBQ thing Steve would do. We do so much for the relationship we never realized. I don’t have to buy steaks or chicken for him and make the sides. I wish I could do the exercise thing. I’d get a good 45 minutes on the treadmill and feel sooooo good from the endorphins. It keeps your brain as healthy as your body. Now I limp, drag oxygen around dread bending down, which means everything that can falls on the floor now. I miss flopping into bed without spending 10 minutes finding a way to not feel pain for a bit. I hate being slouched over as my spine deteriorates. I expected aches and pains, but nothing like this. I hate I actually use my disability placard when if I can’t find a close enough space. I hate having to tell people I am disabled for help with heavy stuff. I hate that my volunteering has become so limited that I’m practically useless. I can chat, but if someone needs help going to thier room, I can push wheelchairs anymore. Just serving coffee and cookies is hard. Good for you and George for finding relief in it. I was addicted to it when I was able. Debbie Downer signing off. This is why I have turned down the dinner invites I’ve gotten from Steve’s old boss when he is in town. I just can’t subject him to this.
  5. Thank you, George. These lines stand out particularly. When one is swallowed by loneliness, it’s so easy for feelings to seem fact. Questioning life is a daily routine for me. Shalom.
  6. George, I don’t really believe in God, or as an entity anyway. I’d be curious as to you (and you too Kay) of how this helps you because since Steve died, I’ve been getting worse about it. There are so many things I’m having to face alone and I feel levels of anger being abandoned by my best friend. Not Steve, but if there is some power in play here. I never thought about it before he left. This last year has me questioning this deeply.
  7. Does sliding over sand down hills count as sledding? Best we could do in New Mexico. We tried to brake for lizards. 😁
  8. I wish I could react to your post, Kay, a thousand times.
  9. I don’t know what I am going to do. I volunteered today and it’s just getting too hard. I keep trying to do things I did, but the oxygen is always a factor plus the pain. Too many maladies to know where to start, if I do. It’s one of those times I have to let all this sink in and see if I just want things to run thier course or fight for more time alone. That would mean trying to find something to fill so many hours that for 25 years I had covered for myself. Having Steve here just made things right all around for over 30 years. Never was at a loss of something to do. I can call and have social workers come visit. Hard to think about a good life and turning to strangers. Can’t jump in the car without making sure all med equipment is working. I much preferred my love leash with him. Thanks for the support.
  10. Saw my lung doc Tuesday. Not good news. Seems my disease is progressing and options are infusions that would lower my immune system to ease the inflammation. They also have steroids in them. She also feels the hypothyroidism is a big culprit and increasing those meds will be hard too on the anxiety. There’s also that back surgery hanging over me. I told my counselor yesterday that it seems like a gun to my head, but my odds gone if the trigger is pulled, all the chambers are filled. I had a feeling about the lungs, but the doc added the blasting cap. She talked about palliative and hospice care. I suppose I’m already a candidate for assisted living when I think about it. I reminded her she is dealing with someone with no will or motivation for getting stabilized. I’m guessing that’s the most I could hope for. Or slowed down a bit. All this in the last 2 years. For the other 2 without Steve I could at least breathe and walk normally. Made all the difference. Would now too if I had a reason - him. I’m so compromised in my thinking in this alone. Knowing I would still be alone if I did these grandiose things. I miss my guardrail. How he stood between me and falling of the road. I resent having done that for him and now when I need it, he’s gone. I don’t resent him, I resent how cruel life can be. For everyone that faces adversity and is empty inside. My counselor is starting a new thing, writing down each week something she grateful for, beyond food and shelter. I look back over the last month and find nothing. Just memories that tear me apart.
  11. Thanks you guys. I am not effectively conveying myself these days from the nic withdrawl and breathing loss. Or both or hypothyroidism or stenosis or grief or the deep dark of winter up here or.......gawd knows. I tried volunteering yesterday and it was so hard I’m worried about having to quit. That would mean most days 24/7 alone. Not being an alone person, this concerns quit a bit. I’m disheartened that quitting smoker has me feeling worse. Got a message from a woman on that support group who got asthma stopping, many have. So you do these 'good' things and feel worse? It’s no wonder some people stay in their addictions. The lesser of 2 evils? I don’t know except I thoroughly confused and angry. Yet, drained of any energy for solutions. That’s why I want to sleep. This stuff isn’t happening in la la Land.
  12. I’m Marg, my post was all over the place and I think you got the wrong idea. I’m the one who feels they have nothing to offer and dying of loneliness inside. The body isn’t helping hindering me with non stop pain. All I can say is does anyone get how pathetic it can make you fee l to have to call somewhere to find a companion? A stranger instead of someone that has known you forever and you don’t have to provide history notes, plus they were never part of it? maybe there are no words for it. I’m sitting here another day wondering why I’m even here. I tried my volunteering yesterday and couldn’t effectively do it. I just opened up the yard and did poop patrol and can hardly breathe or walk. I want something in my life that doesn’t change for the worse or disappear. I could do major back surgery in hopes it would stop the the pain. Months of recovery alone. I see my pulmonologist Tuesday to find out, I hope, if there is any way I will improve or have moved to a worse stage of my disease. My mind is so scrambled I spent half an hour yesterday thinking my portable oxygen wasn’t working because I was using the wrong tubing. I took a shower hoping I wouldn’t fall and make it to get back on oxygen. sorry for the pity party again. I just don’t know how long I can keep doing this. I want to sleep and escape.
  13. I am so glad the holidays are over. This was my 5th without Steve. They keep feeling worse. I accept he is gone. I read about others feeling time helping them feel a little less pain. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. There are so many other forces in play too. My health is the worst ever. My social life is medical. Can’t volunteer. Alone all the time. I’m still watching the world from the outside. I hate every waking moment. I care about nothing. I feel like I am losing my mind. I told my therapist maybe it’s time to turn the sessions to learning to try and find some contentment in my situation rather than looking for ways to increase social interaction. It’s just not happening and you can’t make it happen. I can’t muster the energy to try senior citizen centers and can’t do other volunteering that is physical. I look in my heart. and it’s empty. For the first time in my life, I know no active love. I’m so tired of hearing people around me plans and zest for life. I’m just taking up space that I can barely take care of. It’s another Saturday night and I miss him so much. Aches, pains and all, he would love me back.
  14. That’s where we differ, Tom. Yes, I was very glad I could help Steve thru 4 tough years. But my mind does go to the pre 2009 diagnosis days when life was more laughter and togetherness we never thought would end. I’m glad I took care of him but wish now I could erase those memories for good.
  15. Gwenivere

    Solitary Grief

    I have a magnet on my fridge that says.....a house is not a home without a dog. I couldn’t agree more. New members of the family always make me forget the work it is. I’ll never have another puppy and that’s something I never thought of. Just can’t do it physically. Older dogs take time to integrate. Stuff that was so easy way back when and together with our partner. I miss saying 'where’s your dad?' And have them scamper off to find him. I miss being called 'mom' and them looking for me. Basically, I miss being a family, another year comes. I was eating lunch looking out the window as always and realized I see nothing out there anymore. I was trying to replace a ceiling fan bulb before dinner. The bulb broke off and fell on the floor. Had to use pliers to get the base out.. Stepping back I knocked over the dogs large water bowl. Clean up took forever between water and glass. Another dad job he would have taken over and not had a disaster. Spent the afternoon getting my iPad tuned up of problems. If this is ANY indication of 2019.....lets just say I’d like to get stinking drunk right now. At least I’d have a good reason for feeling like crap in the morning. Sorry, Cookie, didn’t mean to derail your thread about your new baby. What is his name and how old is he? Looks adorable in the picture. So do my heathens. 🐩
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