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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,714 profile views
  1. I lost track of where I was posting about the hospital, now rehab nightmare. I don’t expect replies, I just need to try and stay sane, whatever that is anymore. I was told I would have a day to prepare to move and got 3 hours as soon as I woke up. They were hurry, hurry, hurry but I couldn’t get anyone to bag up stuff. Had to scramble to find someone to get my car home over the weekend. Had a driver that took corners too fast,strapped in a wheelchair and the driver couldn’t hear me because she was more into the radio. Getting in this rehab is as I imagined having seen how it was where I volunteer. Didn’t get a private room as I was told. My schedule doesn’t fit. I’m not an early riser. I’ve had to call for my meds every frigging time. Haven’t a clue how I’ll sleep in this place. People in and out for my roommate, lights, loud. Lost a day I was doing rehab at the hospital. I really wish I was making this up, but my gut told me it was going to be bad. I tried my best to find something positive. I’ve never appreciated my home, privacy and control of my existence I see now. Guess that is the positive. My roommate is mumbling, the oxygen generator hissing that I had in another room at home and I’m hoping I get my meds on time. I told the nurse I don’t trust them to come thru. I guess if she misses it, they wil have to deal with the banshee I’ll be in a few hours. I hate how this has changed my tolerance and the nice me now becoming the kind of person 'I' would want to avoid. I 'smoked' my way thru the day with more nicotine lozenges. Gonna try and play some vid games and calm down. And then the sleep thing. If I could, I’d laugh at that idea. Curse out Steve when I tell him I love him.
  2. I’m so sorry you are here. You may be coming out of shock phase to the reality of how your life is now changed forever. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. Anything you feel is normal. It’s imperative you remember that. It doesn’t sound like you have a support system. Animals are great, but we are social creatures. But many will talk more about that later. It is the now you have to deal with a minute, hour, day at a time. This is a great place to start. Others will be along soon to help add thier support. In the meantime, I heard you. I hope that helps. You are not as alone as it feels. Again, you found a family that knows your pain. A family that you can tell anything to and we get it. No one out 'there' can, no matter if they say they understand unless it has happened to them. You’ll learn to tune them out. People want to fix things that can’t, often so they feel better. You need your energy for YOU. ❤️
  3. My dear Gin, I am so sorry to hear of this sudden crisis. I totally understand how you could not support your brothers needs. I’m glad he has the daughters, but they are in shock mode too. But then, that is when things get done robotically for mental protection. It’s such a chaotic time. I don’t know if you were close to his wife and how you feel. I hope your son gets the medical help he needs and soon. We all know things can rapidly progress to bad levels. I’m thinking of you and your full plate. Many hugs to you! ❤️❤️❤️
  4. Thank you, Dawn. I appreciate the time you put into your post. My sadness is I know I will never feel again the love that defined my life. The rest of my days will be spent without that ever again. I do envy you with faith, but that is not me. I hope your thoughts and words are an inspiration for someone who can truly benefit from them. 🌸🦋🌺
  5. We’re getting hit by snow too. It’s a mess, but nothing like Kevin as far as temps and depths I’m sure. Coincidentally Everest was on one of the hospital channels. That is a thrill seeking I do not understand at all. Give me calm and boring any day. In my youth I wanted to sky dive, but never could summon the nerve. H*ll on wheels earthbound, but none of that adrenaline filled rush seeking thru crazed acts. Heard on the news a child died in a fire. So very sad. How long do you deal with such extreme temps, Kevin? And you, Marg? I remember when Asian pears were the rage. People were giving baskets of them as gifts. Now they are prolific.
  6. I already had trashed lungs, so this pneumonia isn’t that surprising. The intensity is. I feel grief affects the heart physically as well. Been assured mine is fine yet it knocks about that I can feel. I know blood pressure rises when people are thinking or doing emotional or unpleasant things. I hear ya on Doug’s personal things. Aside from ridding the house of all medical things required for his care, I haven’t touched his stuff except very little things now and then. There is comfort with what little is left beyond our house being all choices we made. I keep his 'snus' (a tobacco chew), last bottle of wine in the fridge, sure it has gone bad but it must be there, his placemat, van and studio. I can’t think of anything else I have gotten rid of but most of his clothes to a homeless mission and that felt good. He’d be so behind that. i really need to find some of that drive you have. It must feel so good.
  7. I’ve heard the same too, Karen. TIME and Psychology Today even ran articles about it. It changes the nerve impulses in the brain and can become life threatening as far as willing to live. Physically, too, as lonely people are more prone to maladies. ER's had back up evidence of this interviewing people they found were living in solitude. Isolation by force is being outlawed as a form of torture. Many of us know this already. 'Why bother?' Is how I feel not just waking, but all day. We all know what the only fix would be. Thanks for posting this for validation, Karen. There’s so much we feel we can think is imaginary that isn’t. No one out in the word unlike us would think that was true.
  8. I have never turned down prayers, Kay. Just because I don’t have that faith doesn’t mean I want to be left out if it exists. Yup, there is endless room for all possibilities. The 1st time I had pneumonia I was 25, I think. Sure recovered much easier. An X-ray at the ER, two cycles of antibiotics and I was good to go. Even kept smoking. Not admitted either. Youth. Sure don’t like living in these aging bodies. Maybe extending life so long wasn’t the wisest idea. 40 was considered old hundreds of years ago. If I I were one with those blessed great genes I’d be humming a different tune. The other need would be Steve was too. It always hits me that I am older than him now. No more 4 year gap. I care about everyone here so much. I thought it was only the grief that would be addressed, but there is humor and sharing of so many things. We know about each other’s laundry! We’ve shared our personal lives and propped each other up. It’s so amazing the love here. i don’t think my girls are scared. Bored mostly, tho the sitter is going to stay in my house til next week. Geez......she could look in my closets and drawers and find all my quirkinesses. Oh well, I’ve never apologized for being a tad off. 🤪 I’ve seen you and others step up in their times of distress. It’s what family does for each other.
  9. Oh Ana, you always express the deep feelings so well. I’ve stopped watched the news due to anger my good man is gone and it is filled with horrible, mean and cruel people that hurt others yet still walk among us. My man was so kind, sharing and loving. I, also do not participate in any cancer related charities. We were heavily involved in animal welfare and a homeless mission so I keep that going. I question love too. I would never want to not have had the time I had with him, but the cost is so steep. I don’t feel alive anymore. Don’t think I ever will. Time is closing in on me as it is. I gave up on answers too, but the questions persist no matter what. Those are the weights we drag thru this changed life.
  10. I don’t know what surgery you mean, Kay. They have talked about a lung scope and possibly chest tube if fluid keeps building. I probably confused you.
  11. I cannot even conceive of this loss at your young age. Most of my life has passed already. I do agree only another will the same experience would understand. It does become a 4 person relationship. Time will tell, but it moves so slow.
  12. You had the caregiver experience I do and now suffer of being afraid we will never see them again. It’s too horrible for words. I know exactly how you feel. My deepest thoughts for you. 🌹
  13. I think the hardest part of this is knowing your mind is compromised so it gets frustrating trying to take in all is thrown at you. After again finding out how weak I am, my pulmonologist came by and reiterated this lung condition won’t get better, the most they can do is try and manage it til it can’t be. I don’t feel a strong will to keep going. The woman that arranged my dogs care and brought me some things I needed think about preparing for the future. She’s not wrong, but she always picks times that are the worst, like now. She wants me to think about plans for rehoming my young dog. She would take my eldest. I finally said STOP! One crisis at a time. She then shows me pictures of my babies the sitter took and I stated crying. I can’t leave here. I’d drop from oxygen deprivation. I don’t understand people like that. Seeing someone go into distress and keep talking. I so desperately want to be with them. In my home, my bed. People here thought it was so nice I had a visitor. I just smiled and said yah. Later update.....wrote her an email while reacting very badly to a new drug. I was so despondent that I had to confront her about stealing my kids as motivation to fight. Not as sources of worry. I asked her how she would feel if someone suggested she give up her kids she loves and raised so easily? I generously showered it with my true appreciation for all she has done. I’m sure I made her defensive and apologized about that too. I reminded her she and I put a plan in place already and I had already thought about that situation many, many times. But......this isn’t the time not being mentally and emotionally compromised. I need to envision my girls sleeping peacefully on their pillows or the couch. That is my only strong will right now. I use a lot of bandwidth on this. I love you all for my sanity. ❤️ Gwen
  14. Dee reminded me that I haven’t posted. There is a good reason beyond being sick, frustrated and having my body put thru the drug and test mill. I have felt that my lungs would 'do me in'. Seems that time is coming sooner than I expected. I talked with the floor doc and the pulmonologist. They are not sure they can get me independent from 24/7 oxygen. I wore it at home inside and in the car. I could go into the nursing home, stores, walk the yard and shower without it. I know I’m sick right now, but I have to have it set super high to get from my bed to the bathroom. I did take a walk outside my room. Oxygen in tow, using a walker and wearing a brace belt, like I’ve seen many at Foss. This time is was me decades younger than them. So now there is talk about palliative care. A chaplain came and talked to me that made me feel worse. Dredge up all I have lost. No solace I could relate to. When I was in here the summer of 18, I could walk without so much pain. It started the oxygen age as I remember driving home to meet the tech to get it set up. It was also the year I quit smoking in December. And here I am. Feeling depressed more than I ever experienced. I’m trying to figure out how one stays sane in this situation and in such deep grief revived by being so alone. I’m paying people to care for my dogs. I need to pay for work in the yard. I sit in this bed all day, try and sleep being woken up countless times. If the fluid around my lungs doesn’t go away, they are want to cut my side open. I can turn down anything, but I want to see my home, my kids. I can’t imagine not seeing or touching them again. I wonder if they miss me? Think about me. Things are so very changed this time. There’s so much time to think very dark, not mattering to someone who deeply loves you. I hope you know how much I treasure all of you. For a time, I matter. 💖
  15. I already found my perfect person, there will be no other. Plus I’m still in love with him. At 64 there is no motivation or person in my orbit that can stir those feelings. You are right, it happens for some and not for others. It was the hardest thing I had to accept. Not ever seeing, touching, hearing or interaction again. My mother remarried but she never spoke of my father again. It took after her death to get answers to my questions and they came from an aunt I was told was just a good friend. I know she loved my stepfather, but she could not have felt the same burying my father in her heart. I never thought about it getting stronger as my experience never experienced that except with Steve. I have found nothing that stops the pain except sleep.....sometimes. It’s like I even know there what comes when I awaken. Or rather....doesn’t.
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