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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

5,146 profile views
  1. I wouldn’t have been able to get up. I’m not the tantrum type, but I can be very sarcastic. But years of experience taught me the old saying of attracting more flies with honey works much better. Sometimes it’s a challenge. So, shop at Costco much, Karen? 😁
  2. I’m going to have to Google this as the things some people do are often stranger than fiction.
  3. My post was really rhetorical about the massive changes life has taken. But you are right, Ana. It is horrible and when all you havcleft are outsiders, it’s nightmarishly horrible. Thank gawd for this place.
  4. I don’t know about you guys, but this onslaught by the news is becoming such a catalyst of fear and anxiety. I limit my news info but it’s impossible to get away from just stepping out the door. Even watching people walking by. How everyone veers around each other. The arborist made sure to tell me the pen and iPad I had to sign was sterilized. Taco Bell hands you your change and order in tubs. The grocery stores announce on the hour for checkers to sanitize their station and self checks. The tape marks on floors everywhere. Being told to step back if you are a little too close. Not seeing what anyone looks like. I wouldn’t know that arborist if I saw him on the street uncovered. I associate names with faces. Now I have notes and business cards for that. Atvthe doctor yesterday they sanitized my insurance card before handing it back. I’m tired if the smell of alcohol. Watching late night shows with so little humor anymore. It’s about celebs surviving being stuck at home and unfunny jokes about the virus. Endless pitches for endless charities. I don’t mean to sound heartless as I donate to many of our chosen ones for years. Add in the protests and you can see outlets for the frustration beyond what they are bringing light to. Not a day goes by that makes sense to me anymore. I thought it couldn’t get worse without Steve. It has.
  5. I can only echo what Kay and Kieron said about guilt. My husband was told to have his prostate checked earlier and didn’t. It might have saved him. I didn’t know he was told that, but had I known all I could have done is ask he do it. The choice was his. We had no way to know that small test would have drastically changed everything. Partnerships are just that. Not one person having more power over the other. The last thing I would tolerate is anyone judging my love and care of him. They have no right unless it was out and out abuse. We can only be 'our brothers keeper' to small children who have no life knowledge/experience. I’m glad to see again that the grief stages were written for the dying, not the survivors. Tho they apply and consist of more, like fear and anxiety. Even after 5 years I experience some of them deeply. I’ve become so accustomed to them I extend them to crisis in the now as well. I react differently on my own than without his strength to help. You don't realize how much the weight of life you shared. I won’t say took for granted as none of did. That cheapens it. It just......was. I’m so sorry your wife’s family is treating you so unfairly. I hope you can insulate yourself from them as your own pain that is so new and raw is much more than enough to have to experience.
  6. I meant in my post (what you quoted) that I’m experiencing being alone for the first time in my life. That my mind is very messed up with this new identity. In almost 59 years, there was always someone I loved and loved me back. From parents to friends to roommates to lovers to finally Steve. There was always someone I could count on. I’m so sorry, Kay, that you have experienced this terrible feeling much of your life. I miss my parents so very much. My best friends of which I had 3 my whole life not counting Steve. Not being a parent, i don’t know how it feels when they leave. I don’t think I’d like it, tho it is the natural order.
  7. I think it becomes a normal phenomena. Often I can’t distinguish between if it was real or not. All the physical stuff is still there, but the longer he has been gone, the stranger it seems to me. A grill I never used. What is it doing here? A bedside table that is so simple. No sleep mask or Kindle laying there. Why are all those yard tools in the garage? Why do I have so many pots, pans, loaf pans and culinary cutlery? How come I can exactly guess how long anything can be microwaved but forget how long to bake a potato or the temp to bake a chicken? How did all that stuff materialize on the 4 long shelves in his room? Why do I have bottles of vodka I never drink? Why do people often laugh leaving a message in my machine saying It's so creative? Why do I dive for the the phone so I don’t have to hear it? The longer the time, the less associated I am as having been anything but alone. People that know me outside of here would be asking who is that guy in so many pictures in your house? Why do you overreact to death scenes in shows? Why does saying it has been 5 years sound, even to me, like I should be all better? Because I once had what seems like a fairy tale, but it was a truly fulfilling reality. Good and bad, lawn and kitchen tools used on a daily basis. Microwave only used occasionally. Raw foods in the fridge. A bed that needed to be made every morning, not just one side folded over and done. Races to use the shower. Help folding sheets. A note still there to remind me a T shirt not to dry. Only in sleep do I find a world I can feel normal in now. But that has changed because of physical pain intruding. Alone and getting old. One dog left that immediately jolts me to another life filled with activity and routines now abandoned for new ones that are solitary to us both. Apnother dog that never existed there. Yet she is at home here. And this voice in my head that be heard so easily saying my name. Saying he loved me every day. These crazy nicknames I never hear anymore. Ones I made up and never call anyone now. Yup, it was real. So real. Otherwise, this being alone wouldn’t be so.........excruciatingly lonely.
  8. I made it to the doc and he couldn’t find anything worth draining! It was so hard walking in and out, undressing and dressing and laying on a slab. So no pain relief but definitely more cause for pain. What a deal! Plus 2 nurses called for a weekly check in that I put off til next week. I then went to a store I had to return something and took a shower when I got home from that gel they use for ultrasounds. Way too much stuff today. On the plus side, I picked up Taco Bell’s newest enchilada and a resident at Foss I’m friends with called and we caught up on various frustrations. A quick nap and back to the usual. Have a televisit with my doc tomorrow I don’t want to do, but all I have to do is sit at my desk. Then I want to be left alone by med people. I look back on all this mess and having just had to get Ally in as she struggled and just want to cry. I want Steve. I just can’t get out from under that. News was bad about the virus. I don’t like this world anymore.
  9. @widow'15 Ally definitely has a wound between her paw toes. They suggested a cone, but that will make her instability worse. I’m keeping an eye on it for now. Will call a vet if I survive this week. @kayc the surgery is not out and they can’t predict how long rehab would be. Guess was 1-2 weeks. I don’t know how I feel about anything but depressed. Darkly depressed. It’s been non stop phone med calls and a tree quote since I got up. Digestion is awful. I’d say I want a normal Friday, but there is no such thing. @KarenK I do have a placard. It’s a huge place tho, places a premium and still a long walk in. People with partners are dropped off by the door. Much easier. My only hope is this appointment doesn’t make anything worse. I would normally not wear my compression socks as they arechard to take off, but I don’t know if they prevent that leg going dead thing. So that will add aggravation physically. The guy that came to look at the tree had an artificial arm and missing 3 fingers in the other. Train accident. He was upbeat, was happy he could walk. said he and his wife would pray for me and at first I thought, was this sent to humble me? I think it’s great he has his attitude and his wife. I’m not going to compare as I’m not going to invalidate my reality. There is always someone worse or better with adversity. So much of mine revolves around Steve not being here. That is my burden to carry and it’s as real as it gets. I didn’t tell him I was a widow. You all know the replies and facial expressions from those that haven’t experienced it. Wasn’t any point to it for getting a tree cut down unlike medical complexities. We are all valid in our feelings and how we choose to handle them. I have to keep that in mind. I try and make changes for my sanity where I can. Sometimes it’s not possible, others I have. Only we can judge what works and what doesn’t. Even if we stay in something stubbornly. It’s all our choice. I hate when someone points that out to me as I’m aware of it. That is why I hold my tongue when I see it in others as I understand it. That’s what I treasure here. Tolerance, caring and respect. Saw Shaq on Fallon last night and he said make sure you tell the people that matter sooner than later so we don’t miss the chance. This is mine to all of you. ❤️ Off to the doc!
  10. I am so sorry, Joyce. Something about that number that has hit a couple us us lately. I guess because it’s lIke a marker. Maybe a time we thought if we ever got to it might be better and we find it isn’t. But not a time to figure that out. I send you all my thoughts and biggest hugs today. Dale loved you so very much, you will never lose that. ❤️❤️❤️
  11. Had a visit with the back surgeon. Found out I was assessed as high risk, because of my lung problems, for it. I was sad and glad. Hard to describe but sad that it could be done with lots of extra tests but not bad enough they said no. Glad that it had only worsened a bit, tho living with that it’s huge. He said rehab for a week or two. I asked if Steve was here, would I have gotten to come home and he said yes. That gutted me, made me feel sorry for myself and really angry at Steve. I can’t fathom, nor afford, someone living with me for that long. I don’t want to go back to that hell of rehab either. This doesn’t cover my vascular problems which cause pain too that no one has any answers on. Supposed to go in and have my knee drained tomorrow. Hope I can make the walk. Hope they don’t make things worse. I told them no steroids but forgot no epinephrine for anesthetic. Hope they have the other stuff. Saturday a televisit with my PCP. I’M FED UP! Sick if it all! Now the pulmonologist has moved up my visit also. Blather, blather. Ally is still hanging in there. I lose sleep in the morning giving her an extra pain pill now. Had to get a mobile vets number if her paw gets worse with her licking it. The Shape of Water was running last night. Really moved me seeing it again. The love. The bond formed. Romances usually gag me, but this was cool by the very characters communicating their love being so very different. As the narrator said at the end, no one knows if they ived happily ever after, but we want to believe they did.
  12. The absolute worst part of my day is waking up. I’ve been doing so in panic. I don’t know how much of the reality I have to live I can keep taking. I get hit with some bad memory now. I’ve been so depressed my mind goes there. Not something that was great and gives me the fuzzies to say, at least I had that. When I shift to one, I get more bummed out. I hate living in fear. Fear of my mind, fear of my body, fear of the now and future. Endless sleep sounds so good. There isn’t one human being that needs me for anything in the world. Doctors want to fix all kinds of things, some with extreme measures. And for what? Less pain and discomfort, yes. But they can’t fix what’s not tangible. Now people really don’t want to get involved beyond their established friends or family because of the virus. I think about when Steve died and sooooo many people were upset. Most of those same people would be upset if it had been me, but for HIM. I did have a couple people it would have impacted. Everyone is gone now. It’s strange knowing you’d only be noticed if someone heard about it in passing. I’m still wondering about the timing of all this. If ever I needed someone, it’s been this last year and poof! My connections vanished. This feels like some lab test to see how much it takes to break a person.
  13. You said everything so perfectly, Tamera. Every word echoes how feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I so feel for you and everyone that lost 'the one'. I will never have that again and am so tired of outsiders saying 'never say never'. Some of us know this is the truth. Some did find others here, but they knew they are in a 4 person relationship now. I’m happy for them. It’s not in my future tho. I don’t as much struggle with acceptance as I do with the daily living in a void that will repeat endlessly til I leave too. I hate that even getting out it bed means hours of this emptiness.
  14. I dream about Steve. In the beginning it was very frequent. Now, years later, it’s not very common. Or I’ll see him but it’s not a very intense dream. Like we’re used to running into each other, kinda like day to day living. I’ve had some odd things happen since he left that I could attribute as signs if I wanted to. Some people feel that very strongly. They know it is a sign. I think our minds gravitate to what gives any source of relief from the pain. I do talk to him at times when it is something I really need to say to him. I have lit a candle for him every night since he died and have complained to him when it needs a new one when I am settled in as it would be like him to not tell me something that was needed way back when. Good thing no one sees and hears the old lady grumbling and limping down the hall to get another one saying.....geez.....now? Not earlier when I was up and back here? I can only see him in my mind around the house in familiar ways. I understand your wanting to feel him. When that overtakes me is inconsolable sobbing and I do still do that. I hunger for him. A brush of my hair, a hug, anything. It’s called 'skin hunger' and very real. I’ve gotten lots of hugs since he left but they don’t fix it or give me solace beyond the short time they are happening. Not like his that could last me til the next one. Make me feel everything is OK. I don’t know why some feel things and some don’t. I hope you do as I imagine it feels very good, even tho it is sad.
  15. I surely hope Kelli gets good news, Marg. Any idea how long til she will know? It would be so great to never have to feel those sidecffects again. Arthritic finger crossed!
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