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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

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  1. Gwenivere

    Solitary Grief

    I forgot that these days one can actually GO shopping well before normal Friday hours. I never did the Black Friday thing, but I sure wouldn’t be out in the middle of the night shopping on Thanksgiving. And now we have cyber Monday? I think I’ll stay old fashioned in my mind. I’m always shocked if a human being answers the phone. I got used to swiping credit cards, now we have chips. Some things are cool, I like banking, paying bills online and repeat payments automatically done so I don’t have to remember. Some places have menus, tho, that take me longer to get someone than the time I spend talking to them. Thank gawd for cordless headsets so I can wander around. This alone thing is weird. I miss and hate I don’t have any presents to buy. Way back when this was a holiday house, there were boxes, food, wine, dog treats and flowers showing up. It was so cheerful. Christmas cards were something I felt were to be done by hand. Not sure I’m going to that this year for the first time ever. For 4 years i've signed my and the kids names. Not sure I want to leave off the big guys again. And the few cards that come now are only addressed to me. This 5th time is really throwing me out of whack. Perhaps because it is too real? That age has caught up with me now and I really miss his spirit more than his brawn? I think that’s it. We had settled into less glitz and glitter to the most important meaning. Being with those you love. We finally discovered the meaning and he’s.......gone.
  2. I was wondering who else will be spending thanksgiving alone. I’m taking harder this year. Maybe it is because it is my 5th (the 1st year I have no memory of what I did as it was so close to his passing on October 29th), the fact my body has so drastically changed I can hardly do anything without pain, nicotine withdrawal, surrounded by tales of other people’s plans or the most obvious....my reason for living gone, emphasized again. I truly wonder if I will ever adapt to this emptiness in my heart. The day to day hassles are something I expect now. But inside, when I am alone in the night, the echoes of love are always out of reach. I can see, hear and smell him, but I cannot touch him. I can talk to him all I want and there will never be a reply. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and said....you are all I have to talk to now. I’m not a writer, I can’t write fulfilling scripts nor deliver his part adequately. For those of you with family or friends, I know it isn’t the same either. But there is a lot to be said for human contact on days that are more significant. People wouldn’t gather if there wasn’t. I never fully appreciated how there was no thought of the special days because it was always there. Being together was all it took. To try and treat a holiday as just another day is impossible for me. I’m already thinking of the years it’s been he always warned me while washing the knives, the candles and linen napkins instead of extra MacDonalds ones. Mostly curling up at nights end saying how we made a great team and pulled off an even better one than last time.
  3. Thanks everyone. I have come to love many of the residents over the decades. When they pass they take a part of me but leave me the joy of having known them. It’s pretty much a given you will lose them. It never gets easier. Death, obviously, affects me harder now. But I wouldn’t have given up the times I had with some very special people. To be loved back was priceless.
  4. I often find I was quick to judge until my life drastically changed. I see things differently now about how we can know so little of what another is going thru. There are wives and husbands that come to the nursing home watching their loved ones die day after day. I Know how they feel walking out the door to go home to a house that will always be empty of that life they had. One man told me he skipped a day coming because he was too tired, but I saw guilt on his face he didn’t need to feel. It’s draining and so hard. I wanted to skip days too.but thought this could be the day. One woman there is deliberately staying away at times to not burn out. I think she is doing the right thing. She’s a realist and trying to prepare and protect herself for the inevitable. Steve was better at not judging. I wish I could show him now I have changed. The compassion or at least lack of need to criticize has left me a better person. Something I always admired in him even when I thought he was wrong.
  5. Oh my gawd! I can’t believe, but I have to, someone would say such a cruel thing! So by this persons logic, my husband who loved life, music and made so many people happy had some dark thoughts that his death wouldn’t be a big deal for the pain it would cause everyone he cared about? What bull. And enjoying time with your parents? I’m guessing you love your parents, but that really isn’t the issue. It’s so hard dealing with people who are so naive and compassionately challenged. My mother taught me to give a griever a hug and say I was sorry from a young age. To not say anything else about something I couldn’t understand and could easily make worse. She was a widow and remarried, but my father was a topic not discussed outside our walls and only with the closest of family.
  6. Kieron, you have to add a touch of sarcasm in your tone too. Then people get it. 🦋
  7. I hadn’t thoughts about it that way, Kay. I have people tell me I don’t sound 'convincing' when I would say fine. So I switched to hanging in there or 'just peachy'.
  8. So well said, Marg. I miss dreams. Memories are like trying to live off fast food when your used to home cooked meals. Drinking warm instead of cold water. Watching reruns instead of new episodes. And the changes that sometimes have to be made erase times of a happy past. I hate having simpler devices because Steve liked fancy gadgets. Not that I liked complicated, but I had him to make fun of me to call him to fix things. Now I do, but 'hey, Steve' was much easier. No dreams live here anymore. On,y one I can’t have.
  9. Kieron, What did this guy mean by not very convincing? That you should be much better? That you are supposed to put on a better show? I have people that do not at all understand this devastating loss. But they aren’t in the widow club. I have run into people in the club who have moved on, so to speak. But, and this is what I particularly notice, when talking about their marriage it wasn’t as entwined as mine and everyone’s here is. Some people are just.....married. They miss them, but it wasn’t the same. My counselor told me yesterday that Steve’s and my relationship continues on in my heart. It will never end. There are some days I wish I could unlove him. That sounds awful, but without him, life isn’t life anymore. I hate just existing. This year thanksgiving is hitting hard. I’m really missing buying a turkey and watching Steve cook it. Yeah, the relationship continues, but I’m so tired of being in it alone. Seems I keep saying that over and over again. Still searching for a reason to get up every day.
  10. I had a box brimming with cards from Steve. A couple years after he left and I was feeling brave, I thinned some out that he had just signed his name. Any, tho, that has a personal sentiment, poem or altered to fit the occasion are stlll with me. Thinking on it now, I had forgotten how I knew his handwriting so well. Haven’t seen it in years but I could forge his signature and he said I was really good at it. Once asked me when he signed something he hadn’t. The only things he signed were voting ballots and Income tax returns. I did all the banking so he’d just toss me checks from gigs or a sale of a guitar and I’d handle it. If he needed something written well, he’d ask me. Drat, I hate when these memories come up. Time for Kleenex.
  11. Ditto. I don’t know what we’d without Marg. Who’d tell us great southern stories? Who’d we match each of our sanities with? 🤪
  12. Believe me, Dee, I thought about changing our answering machine but something said don’t make that decision in excruciating pain. I gave myself a year before making any big changes. Heard that was the way to do it and glad I did. I may not listen, but it’s there. I lost his cell phone greeting when I cancelled his phone. I’ve never dialed the number because it his number and some stranger will answer. I’m glad you have the short video at least. I’m guessing if you watch it it will revive the sound of him speaking. I guess I am lucky that I recall it too well. It just doesn’t feel that way....yet. I was thinking of this thread when I got home and just broke down crying as it made me want to talk to him SO much. I see so many things I want to tell him about. I got good news at the vet about our lab but the good faded so fast. Couldn’t share it. People that are single are used to this. Not us. I am not meant to be alone anymore. Not since he stepped into my life.
  13. Steve’s voice is on our answering machine too. If I am home I desperately try and beat it to picking up calls. Hearing his voice is still too much after 4 years. It’s so clear in my scrambled head. I hear him all the time. I guess it’s something I will never forget. I have recordings he did and can’t listen to. It’s affected some of my favorite songs tied to memories which sucks. I hear new stuff that sometimes breaks my heart about love. Torture as it is I download them from iTunes but there they sit. No video, but I know there is some floating around with his buddies from gigs. Pictures I have around often make me acutely aware he did exist when I feel it had to have been a dream. I need him so much right now. Too many things to handle alone, biggest being going into the now dreaded holidays. I’m so tired of waking up to the reality. I’m tired of loving him now that it has become so heartbreaking.
  14. So sorry, Gin. Looking at that coming up in January. Once it was the best day of our lives. Hard to accept what it is now. Ours would have been 36 years. But the number doesn’t matter, it’s them. Or rather lack of them. Warm hug.
  15. Thanks everyone. I wish I could just go to sleep til February. 😢
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