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Gwenivere

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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Recent Profile Visitors

4,477 profile views
  1. I found a black feather by my back door. I looked up the mystical meaning and it is a good thing. Protection from angels and repel negative energy. Years ago I got one right on my side door mat. Maybe it means I’ll catch some breaks as this last few days have been again more medical craziness that have me wanting to scream my head off. Had to go to the ER again for crushing chest pain. Ruled out a heart attack, but blood was high for bleeding somewhere. Doc cleared me tho and released me. After volunteering Saturday I noticed one of my calfs was more swollen and red. Had a deep pain so thought it could be a DVT. Was told to go to the ER again but when I got there there were 4 people ahead of me and only 1 discharge coming up for a room. I went to an urgent care to have it assessed and they said ultrasound is the best. Wasn’t going to go back to the ER tho, it was already 5pm. Found out I can have my PCP call in the test so will do that. To have my insurance cover this I had to go to a clinic in a part of town that is very confusing to navigate. Got terribly lost. Google sent me crap directions as getting out I took a way I was somewhat familiar with. The doc I saw had just lost his wife 6 months ago. When I said I was a widow for over 4 years he got very dismayed as he hoped it got better. All I could tell him was we adapt. He said their adult children were having a hard time too and I pointed out their loss was different than his. He said he couldn’t even look at her picture. All normal I said. He seemed very appreciative of talking about it so maybe I was meant to go thru that to help him, I don’t know. I’m glad I could but I still don’t know what is wrong with my leg. I’m so sick of more tests and while I do want out of this existence, that would be a very painful way to go. My apologies for posting more morbid stuff. I don’t exactly remember now what I was going to write except to say I so miss Steve and truly wonder if I would be so medically messed up if I didn’t have to live in this cruel loneliness. I’m kinda obsessed thinking about him right now. I got an email from his best buddy about Steve’s van again asking why I keep it instead of donating it to someplace that could really use it. I told him years ago this was an off limit topic as he didn’t understand the ways grief affects people. He asked also it was 'just' nostalgia. I’m writing him a short response to it saying it’s Steve’s van. It has memories that are mine. A resident I adore at Foss said what business is it of his and why does he care? Gonna use that too. I don’t question the many things this guy does I don’t understand in judgement, maybe a curiosity if I don’t understand why he does something and then complains. I’ve never said that about the van. I see Steve so happy packing his gear for gigs. Such joy to do what he loved. I’ve lost so much without him, I do cling to what I can. Marg.....you did well teaching me about word salads! 😁
  2. I forgot to mention this shrink wants me to have the rifle we own out of the house. I didn’t even think about that thing til he asked if there was a gun in the house. Now I have to find someone to take it for awhile and I know so few people and they are all pacifists. If I had ever thought of that, I wouldn’t use a rifle! Too risky and awkward. My therapist said that was standard practice to do so we talked over options so I don’t have to lie. I’m going to ask the musician that comes by to put it somewhere in the garage where I won’t know or see it. That way I can say Tom had it and I don’t know where it is. Another annoying thing he talked about was if I got to feeling less depressed, I could resume a 'normal' schedule. Meaning becoming a more 9 to 5 person. I’ve lived a night owl life for decades and fail to see why I would do that. This guy really stresses me out, good thing he prescribes the meds I need for such things. I’m standing up to him which I think annoys him, but I’m sick of being shoved around by people that act superior and I’ve never been a sheep. He’s supposed to be helping my anxiety, not redefining what I want my life to be. He’s going to have to come to understand I will always be depressed to some degree without Steve. That will never leave me and no pill or sleep/rise time is going to fix it. I’m fact, that became our schedule when he retired. It feels 'normal' to me. Just lacking him.
  3. Having just seen my new shrink again today, and his wanting to up my antidepressant because I was so in despair last week, I got the chance to tell him he didn’t let me tell him WHY I felt that way. I didn’t expect counseling, but wanted him to know that there are times when people feel worse and a pill isn’t always the answer. I made him listen to the events that sent me into a tailspin as they would anyone, depressed or not. It’s interesting your describing the test group. He acted like he didn’t believe the times I tried to quit the antidepressants and had severe withdrawal. He never had to do it. He also saying they aren’t that hard to get adjusted to. Again, been there, done that and they can be and were for me. Anyone can tolerate (for example) a little nausea. But when it makes you feel like your going bonkers that is not a minor side effect. Arg. We may not be doctors, but we aren’t stupid either. Why would I make something up? I want the meds to work. It would be great if they did for everyone no matter who with simplicity and true effectiveness with ease getting there. But these are chemicals that alter our bodies and brains. Guess I’m still a little wound up from our session and what felt like we were challenging each other instead of being a team. I did tell him what I will and won’t do. It’s a start. Oh, and forget that we are trying to handle grief. They see that as another reason to add meds we may not need. I didn’t even want to get into the antidepressant when I started with him, just manage my anxiety and panic disorders. At least he will prescribe those meds without drama.
  4. Marg, I’ve turned into people I don’t even know since losing Steve. Anger is a biggie as I avoided that as much as possible. It took a lot to get me so mad I would yell at someone. I can count the times I have they are so few. Now I get very stern with people, especially doctors. I get into situations that I could be ballistic but use a passive aggressive approach which isn’t healthy either. I miss the more compassionate person I was. The few times I strayed from that Steve would pull me back. Help me see how I could cause someone extreme pain I could never take back. We hurt each other enough to learn how to settle things rationally. That has been stripped away now and I have to keep a check on it. My reaction now is to blurt out my uncensored thoughts. So I apply to the 24 hour rule to cover my ass and it works. I’m not used to having to do this. I miss.......me. I miss him to rant to and have suggest different approaches. I miss him looking to me for advice in emotional situations. Lets face it......losing them was.losing so much more than we ever could imagine. I relish the couple of times I got to be this new me and fully release that anger as the person needed to vanish from my existence. Other times it’s just so exhausting putting together ways to be kind. And then there is the anger I am not kind anymore as a natural state. Only for people I really care about, but others deserve that too. This life without love takes away that human connection in so many ways. I felt good the other day as I saw a woman with a gorgeous cut of her long gray hair and told her. She was so thrilled. A rememberence of the former me. I try and do that to be connected even if it is for a very short time.
  5. Yeah, Karen, age does bring physical problems. But geez......I wish there were a limit on how many at once. My count is at 4. I hear ya all the tests. I’ve said no to the very same ones and that shingles vaccine. Read too many stories of people getting it after the vaccine. I don’t think of it as being a bad patient anymore. I just don’t let white coats push me around the medical chessboard anymore. I’m my one advocate now. Every one if them, even in the same specialty, has different things they want you to do. One of the best movies I saw was The Doctor where William Hurt was a snooty surgeon who gets cancer and had to be a patient with no special frill treatment. He learned empathy from it and made the residents he taught undergo every test they would prescribe so they understood how patients felt. I’m tired of hearing how great the meds are for a colonoscopy. No mammograms. Those kinda things I’d maybe do if I had a reason to want to be as healthy as possible. He’s gone. I'm so sorry your grandkids let you down. That has to be heartbreaking.
  6. It’s a beautiful quote. One I will struggle with because of the life he gave me, but also pain I could have never conceived existed. This will be a push pull dilemma the rest of my life. Don’t want to have not had those great times, but who would I have been if we never met? He would have existed, but what if my roommate hadn’t worked in that bar? Would my life be more livable emotionally if I had a different path? I always make things more complicated in this grief. I’m so tired of the endless pain. The love I sometimes wish I never knew could exist. Echoes of memories. Feeling so lost facing regular life. The miracle for me is I keep getting up every day when my first waking thought is of him. Now is where you quit reading because it’s pretty boring and self pitying. Where most would journal but that feeds the loneliness. You have been warned. I am so grateful for this family here. Where I can say whatever I feel. It’s so terribly hard now to know if this massive depression is from within me or the medicine changes that have been made since May. I know everything went downhill since then but keep being told when I get to taking enough I’ll feel better. Now my shrink suggested to up my antidepressant which is like throwing the door open for panic attacks to adjust to. That would also mean 2 meds changes and how do you determine which is doing what? I had a bad week because I got banned from an area where I volunteer as I wrote in another thread. I seriously hurt my back trying to do something that seemed innocuous. My shrink didn’t ask why I was more down and while they don’t do counseling, I’m seeing him tomorrow and telling him of these occurrences. I understand it might help me handle things better, but that will take weeks to kick in. And are are things always in need of a drug? I’m sorry if this is so disjointed and not clear. Just have to get it out. This and my counselors are the only places I can say as I feel and not get pat advice. Where I can say I don’t really want to be here anymore. I don’t want to die, but I sure wish this life thing had some more good things even if I have to now be alone. To not be totally a bummer of a person, I do have 2 furry faces that look at me with love (or so I choose to believe when it’s more likely if I will give them food). I told an aquaintance about the added med advice and she, as usual, challenged my reluctance. I so miss my best friend that would just hold me and say.....we’ll get thru this and that was Steve. It always will be. I like we better than I.
  7. I was watching Charmed one night and the grandmother was telling the girls that men are to be used when needed and then put away til needed again. Talk about reverse sexism! But yes, I, too, miss my 'slave'. He’d probably get a kick out of hearing that as he always said he lived to please me. But I felt the same about him. Perfect balance.
  8. This would be a losing battle, Kay. I’ve already tangled with the new regime several times and gotten nowhere. In the past we were never questioned about our visits. That was under a rational administration. This one has even employees adhering to rules about socializing. The past struggles with them have drained me of fighting a brick wall that does nothing but depress me. I don’t know who to trust talking to staff anymore either. It’s become very isolating conversing. The new volunteers are more accepting as they don’t know any different. It’s us old timers that were encouraged to be the opposite to engage as much as we wanted that struggle. I go today with a ho hum attitude instead of being excited. I asked the gestapo bitch (we OK'd that word here right?) what I should tell one of the women if she calll wondering when I’m coming to visit and was told to say I don’t anymore and to contact the bitch if she had questions. I think the truth would be better.....Nancy said I cannot visit you anymore and I don’t know why. Otherwise it will sound like I don’t care about them. I’m not taking that on. It’s a lie if I did.
  9. About the only reason I get up anymore, Dee. Dogs say I have to. I haven’t gained weight, struggle to keep it on as eating is a chore, not a social thing anymore. Plus I eat more processed food as cooking and cleanup takes too much effort. All in all, days and nights suck. I just git an email from the head honcho of volunteers where I go and she essentially banned me from visiting some residents I have become friends with. She truly dislikes me for some reason. So there goes another opportunity for human contact. Like Mitch, I feel that hope light flickering even more when I find something and it taken away again. It’s so hard without family or friends. So I do yearn for the past, tho that is depressing as it will never be again. But it’s all I have that contains happiness, joy, anger, boredom, and a myriad of other emotions regular people feel everyday just by living a meaningful life. My body is failing in so many ways that I haven’t much use for it. I know if Steve were here it would all be different. Someone making it worth all stuff docs offer. I used to be a good patient. Now I listen, shrug and decide what minimum I need to do to get by.
  10. Oh no, they aren’t a problem, Marty. The 'thanks option is grayed out for me, tho I wish it wasn’t as I don’t always get it as a choice and it would be a good one. I stick with the heart as it works fine and after Mitch explained upvoting, there seems no use for it here. We definitely need the reaction button so people know they’ve been heard. I’m fine and dandy. This wasn’t supposed to get so complicated! My bad. 😎
  11. That’s why I was wondering where it came from. It was never here before. Marty? Did you do an upgrade? It’s really no big deal, but different than what we’ve been used to and now 2 places to see who was affected by your post.
  12. Sure, you can say it, Marg. You can be it too. Lord knows I am these days. One thing about getting older, I don’t care! No time to devote to being anything but who I am at the moment. Shrinks are good for meds, usually bad at counseling or not interested in it. I don’t know where I’d be without my therapist. IF I’d be.
  13. This is an interesting discussion. I, too, get tired of hearing how strong I am. I’m doing what I have to and letting other things go which dismays me because I used to be able to do it all and then some. I hate my limits now. People out there don’t see me when I am alone, desperate and in despair. I was strong caring for Steve thru his cancer. It was 2nd nature, not something I had to look for. Now that I am alone, I need strength and have a very hard time finding any. The best way I can describe it is feeling heavy. Change clothes, fed the dogs, get a blood test, make dinner, take a shower. All things I breezed thru effortlessly years ago. I can’t even crawl into bed easily as it is a ritual to try and avoid crippling pain before or when I get up. I don’t like what it does to your thinking. I feel picked on by life. It’s all stuff that happens, but I’m worn out on it. I noticed today my car seems to be stuck in AC mode. That means a trip to the dealer to look at it. No biggie, except to me. You might as well say.....strap on a 50 pound backpack for a 20 mile hike. marg, the people that want me to do things are doctors. Try this, that, do a swap here, a tweak there. I have to do it when I already know most won’t help, make things worse or I can’t get continuing next steps that might. I just wish they would be a little more validating that this isn’t easy when you are basically dead inside and it makes it feel more so. I am in agreement with about people in my life asking me for things. I’m learning the power of the word NO. I hate missing my therapy this week and my guy said to come by at 6 instead of 4 so I could keep a doc appointment and I said no. I want to be home, in my comfy clothes and not deal with disruption of the kids and my routines. Had emough of that from ER trips. I can control some of the stress with that little word. I used to feel bad if I turned down helping someone til it dawned on me people have turned me down. We ask, we can’t expect they will comply for whatever reasons that are valid to them kristyn said determination. I must have some because the house is still stands and is clean. I have food. I get the girls tended to at groomers and vets. I even get those showers in with a prolonged ritual for safety. I have a list of things I want to get fixed. I wish I felt like doing it, but there are workarounds for now. I’d love to feel I got them accomplished, but just can’t right now. I don’t need my shovel anymore to find the core of all this. It’s there all the time......Steve.
  14. Chows are strange dogs. Very, very loyal, almost to a fault. I may be over generalizing, but the only really serious attack I and one of our dogs was in was with one. It was always chained up and made me nervous passing the house and one day it broke the chain and was determined to kill my dog. Me too if I got in the way. I also think when a dog gets chained up it changes its thinking. They are not getting proper socializing. Chows are a breed bred for protection, but it’s more the owners I blame.
  15. I’m just sticking with the heart as it is what I’m used to. If I relate I want the writer to know. If I don’t, then I don’t or write my own post to say why, I feel inclined. George, just do it the old fashioned way. Saves brain cells.😎
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