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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

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  1. I was wisely advised not to make any major decisions for at least a year if not longer. Moving would not have. Stopped the pain. I would have had to sort thru his stuff I was not ready for. The pain is within us. But. This is your path and I hope if you do decide to move you talk with someone trusted all that would be involved, especially at this most traumatic time. The only changes I made was to rid the house of all medical supplies from treating the cancer and all pictures if him when sick. I wanted no memories of that time because living them was enough. There was grief work to do and that was all consuming no matter where I was.
  2. Polly, so amazing to see the picture of the car! She may not have her dad, which every daughter wants, but thank god she has you. Healing will be slow. The best thing of this horrid event s she will. My best wishes to you both.
  3. I never loooked at it that way, Marg. Yes, the ditsy head but being heart frozen. That is so true. It’s the figuring out why we were left alone we will never know. These darned brains want answers to everything when at times there is none beyond nature, at least for me as I don’t subscribe to higher plans. He got cancer, I did not. I got the anxiety disorder, he did not. A biological crapshoot.
  4. My DVR can be paused on live TV and keep a buffer. That’s what I usually do so like recorded shows I can FF thru commercials. Thing is this is background stuff so I would have to run running out here to do if I was in the other room. Sometimes I forget when I am sitting here I can do that. Widow Brain. i couldn’t stand to have anyone in the house I didn’t interact with. I’ve always been that way. I find it too disruptive. I know what you mean, Karen. I pass on referrals to more specialists because I just can’t take any more docs and plans for treatments to help me live this lonely life. I have enough maladies like you I do the minimum for. Marg, I don’t feel we are left here for a reason. My reason for being left. I never looked at my life with a reason, it just existed without my awareness. A foundation I now know about because it’s crumbled beneath me. That is why getting up every day is a struggle. Just a repeat of the ones before with added problems I now have to solve alone. I’d love to think there was a higher purpose to all this, but it’s just plain empty. I don’t feel I have something to complete to do of any significance. Actually never did. Just liked living with my guy and the variations of stuff that brings. It was a simple fulfilling life. Steve had the need to make music to be left behind. I was happy being with him and watching it happen. His drive kinda filled more than his purpose. It fulfilled me keeping our home a place we could do so. I miss monotonous things were highlights of the day, like lunch. Not sure I worded that right, but he was more than enough. my roommate neighbors are on their deck laughing and then will be off to thier daily adventures. It’s a tough reminder every day of living and enjoyment of such.
  5. As I sit here on my gazillionth night alone with my TV, I’m realizing it’s not the programming that bothers me, but the repetitive commercials. Jingles stuck in my head. Medications, lawyers for injury cases, jingles, car commercials touting how the couple survived so their story could continue, shows that are supposed to be comedy with happy people. We never turned the TV on til it was time for a movie or a recorded favorite show and we could fast forward thru them. I miss reading a book waiting til Steve got here for TV time. Not having a tablet to keep me entertained and pass the time. I can’t believe how much time I have poured into this thing in games. I’ve watched so many movies he’ll never see. Shows he never got to see the finales for. No one to talk to about if something was great, thought provoking or sucked. Another night that cleaning up for what I call dinner seemed harder that the rinsing a dish used for carry out or a frozen dinner tray. Unlike the pots, pans and counters. So tired of food shopping and passing up so many things we would have enjoyed sharing. Watching other families buy stuff they will cook and eat together. Soon it will be time for when we relaxed with some wine. Loneliness, the gift that keeps on giving. I wish he’d just come home where he belongs.
  6. I don’t think that will help me, Marg. Just annoy the neighbors and me. 😊
  7. Some oxycodone is being prescribed. Have to pick it up and get it to the pharmacy as it is a controlled substance and they can’t call it in. Also calling in some muscle relaxers. Wong do both at once, not being alone. I’m terrified to take it, but I have to do something. I guess there is always 911 if things go south.
  8. Broke the record for heat here in Seattle. Another day to go. I've been limp walking forever it seems. Yesterday at the nursing home I sat down and felt a twinge of pain. Then I could barely walk. Was hoping it was a muscle, but the Urgent Care doc says some little joint in the lower back slipped, but he didn’t really examine me. Have to wait and see if it gets better. Talk of injections and ortho docs just made my head spin. I keep wondering how long I can keep up juggling these varied maladies I have. There is nothing worse than being in excruciating pain alone. Hoping nothing happens that needs attention because you just couldn’t do it. I want to cry, but something is in the way. A kind of surrender that I am losing and wonder where that leads. I have to cancel volunteering tomorrow. I don’t expect a miracle overnight. I just wish I could get ONE day without something medical involved. As always, missing Steve to feel more relaxed there is someone here. Hitting the Xanax to not panic. Hoping I wake up and can walk. Gonna be another long night. More so than usual.
  9. Protection agreements are something I decide by the item. If I had a smart phone, I wouldn’t. Chances you are going to upgrade within 3 years wouldn’t be worth it. All appliances that use water I do. I should have on the fridge. Ovens and cooktops are a tough call. I keep buying added protection on my 2010 Escape because I love it and it has enough technology, new ones look like nightmares to me with bells and whistles I’d never use. Wish I had one on the TV. Steve’s van has cameras, touch pads and all kinds of things I haven’t a clue how to use. Just finding the windshield wipers was tough enough! Hot hot hot here in Seattle. Just gave a portable AC for the living room. The climate change deniers drive me crazy. It never used to be like this. Always was comfortable at about 75 max. None of this 90's stuff. I’m so wiped out if I go out and often feel sick from it. I grew up in NM with these temps, but I was young and we had swamp coolers, so much nicer than AC. Too humid for that here. Glad to hear Tatum is doing better, Karen.
  10. Karen, I hope Tatum just twisted and will resolve itself. Had a dog once whose back legs paralyzed and it was terrifying. I’m watching my. 13 year old change and am very sad for the dog she once was. I’m glad you had your son as moving a dog is very hard. That is my worry. Keep us updated on how she is. Im always double checking for purse and keys. Carry spare keys in my pockets, but can’t do that with a purse. Mind is so foggy at times I sometimes think I left it at some store and really panic, rushing home to find it. I’ve even lost it in my own house leaving it somewhere odd.
  11. Well, first off I am not looking for a new love. Physical limitations are deeply impacting my ability to adjust to being alone for daily tasks and that is my frustration. My last real outlet of volunteering has become a hassle because of a woman who dislikes me so much and I don’t know why, has the power to make what once was a pleasure and turn it into a tense experience with rules and restrictions directed at me. Not worth getting into the details off that beyond it makes it hard to go and do what I have for 24 years and left with a positive feeling inside. I know purpose has to come from within and won’t come to me sitting here. I think of things I want to do but I am so limited physically it gets discouraging. I don’t have any hobbies as my family with Steve was that, my life. You can’t create interest in things you don’t feel. I used to draw, evvident by pictures framed around the house. Can’t force that. Only my dogs depend on me for care. If something were to happen to me, it would be days anyone noticed. Sometimes I have felt so desperate I’ve considered calling the Crisis Clinic and that feels so awful showing me how alone I am. My counselors are great, but they are not my friends. Ethical divide there. I know you didn’t mean any judgement. I’m just extremely sensitive right now and the mention of finding someone else knocked me for a loop. Don’t know where that came from anything I have posted. That is not even on my radar. i do envy you having friends you can talk to. I miss that as mine local ones have have evaporated for many reasons. The ones I know would still 'be there' for me have ironically died.
  12. I think what you wrote is beautiful and so touching. I gave up writing to Steve and even talking to him much because nothing was returned. That you find some solace in this is wonderful. Sharing it was very special as we can each fill in our own memories of that life we once had. It’s like you wrote for me to him today. So thank you for that. You showed me it isn’t just about me. It’s about the us we sometimes lose sight of. How we think we are the only ones suffering, tho we know down deep we are not. You’ve made so many changes since left that I could never do like moving. I know it hasn’t been ideal, but I see you as so strong. Many hugs today, my friend.
  13. Wow, George, I wish I had your attitude. An inspiring post.
  14. I read the blog too and wonder why I can’t feel these things people find in the darkness. I’m further down the line and I wonder if something is wrong with me. Part is being physically challenged by 5 medical conditions since he left. So sick, no pun intended, of that replacing so much time I could be using to do things that would take me away a bit like working in the yard. Where you are not aware of time for a bit. You feel fatigue for a different reason. I really wish I could tell Steve what his being gone has done to my existence. How it is not a life anymore and desire to be with him again. How I hate this alone thing. How I don’t know who that woman is in the mirror anymore. It makes harder that I can relate to the bad stuff in books and articles but the positive messages can’t get thru.