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Hi Trudy, In a way, your situation and mine were quite similar. Was your Mom on Hospice? Mine was, and they provided her with a hospital bed, a bedside table, and the nurse came to visit twice a week, and an aide came once a week to bathe her. They also provided all of her medications, which were delivered to the house. My Mom thought Hospice was there ONLY to make her comfortable and to provide the bed, oxygen, etc. She was never told that she was dying. It was great that your Mom had all of her children around her when she crossed over! I didn't want my Mom to be alone, nor my daughter. Plus, I just felt like I needed to be there with her. It's neat that you said your Mom took care of you up until she died...my Mom was always worried if I was tired or if I was eating...She was always thinking of how everyone else was doing. I don't know how many times she told me how much she appreciated me being there and helping her. I just told her that she took care of me when I was young, now it was my turn to take care of her! She liked that. I need to go right now, but I will check in later. Take care, and thanks for writing. NO ONE ever rambles here! It's all just things we have in our head that we need to let out! Take care, Kim

To Lori and Benita: I hope you don't mind Lori, but I copied and pasted Herman's Eulogy so Benita could read it. Benita: What a coincidence, but we used to live in Ramona and Julian, in about 1981 - 1982. My husband's brother still lives in Santa Ysabel. What a small world. Sincerely, Kim "FOR HERMAN: We are here to celebrate the life of Herman James Kehler. He was an amazing man who showed incredible courage and strength. Herman was born on November 15, 1964 to John and Agatha Kehler. He was their third child and the first and only son. He had two older sisters, Debbie and Phyllis and was followed by two more Martha and Kim. When we look at Herman’s life as a young child it would in all likelihood resemble that of any other normal young boy with two older sisters. He was fought with by the two eldest and learned from them to torment the two younger. He also learned to hone his destructive nature. Tonka toys which were advertised to be indestructible were in his hands just the opposite. Luckily this tendancy would later change into a very creative quality. He was known for his uncanny ability to exceed at most everything that he undertook. Before the age of fifteen, he had already rebuilt a car motor. He was always willing to help those who did not possess the fine art of mechanics. And so he grew into manhood. On December 17, 1983 he married the love of his life Lori. In the next few years, they joyfully received into their lives their two sons, Craige and Justin. Herman had for many years had some problems with his health. At the time, it could not be determined the nature of these problems but these problems came to light on the night of March 12, 1989. Now one thing I have to make you aware of is that Herman had an amazing sense of humor. He and his cousin Bruce were always pulling off some kind of antics. One thing that these two would always do was this spazz thing. They would flap their arms up by their chests and say DUH! Apparently Hermie did this so often that on this night Herman’s seizure seemed to be mimicking this gesture. Lori was first annoyed but soon realized that this was different when he would not stop. Lori called 911 when she saw Herman was blue in the face and foaming at the mouth. He was in fact having a Grand Mal seizure. Lori called Mom to let her know that Herman was on his way to the hospital, could she please come. Mom immediately called Phyllis who was already in the city to go to her aid. With two young boys at home Lori had to stay and wait for help to come before she could leave. Herman and Lori had just moved into a new apartment in a different section of Winnipeg and none of us had been there yet. Mom hastily gave Phyllis directions and they both were on their way. If anything this night has taught us it is to be prepared. Apparently Phyllis was low on fuel this night. She pulled into about three different gas stations for fuel, looked at her watch realized she didn’t have time and quickly took off. She was busily looking at her map when she passed a car on the street. Was that Lori she wondered? Phyllis by the way had just purchased a new car that Herm and Lori had not seen yet. With both wondering, they stopped and backed up. Luckily, Lori took just enough time to yell out the apartment number before she took off for the hospital. Lori had been driving up and down the street, torn between Herman and the boys. Mom had a story too. Her one tire was low and when she stopped to add air the machine wasn’t working and she lost some pressure instead. Mom reached the apartment and relieved Phyl to go and be with Lori. Phyllis was with Lori when Herman was required to undergo a Spinal Tap. The horror of this test would haunt Herman for many years to come. He was then transferred to the Health Science Center and underwent a CAT scan. On March 13 he was given the diagnosis of a Brain Tumor that would change their lives forever. As a family, we were in shock. Cancer touches people without prejudices. It doesn’t eliminate the young, old, single, married, those with families or those who would like to have one. As we struggled to make sense of this serious threat, Herman underwent his first surgery on March 14. Well, we now had the connection that was needed with his prior health problems. Sometimes the answers are not the easiest to accept. Herman amazed us all by going home March 16. He had actually left his bed as soon as he was out of recovery to go downstairs to ask a former roommate if he could bum a smoke! We were hopeful that this would be it and all would be well. The surgeons had removed a small amount of the tumor, which was located in the right front lobe of his brain. They were limited as to how they could take because the tumor was attached to his optical nerve and to remove too much would have ended his life. He was monitored and to the best of Herman and Lori’s ability life returned to normal. Herman went back to work and they took it day by day. I can still remember the time that Herman and I were talking, I called it a tumor but Herman looked me in the eye and said he had Cancer. That C word scared me to death. I was again amazed at the courage and bravery it must have taken just to face the day. A second surgery was needed by the year of 1991. The area that had been removed in 89 was showing signs of regrowth. Once again Herman stunned the medical profession by remaining in the hospital for only two days. We hardly had time to go and visit him while he was in the hospital. He was always anxious to get back home to Lori and his boys. In a short time he was once again back to a seemingly normal life, Wife, kids, work and family. Throughout all of these health issues he and Lori did their best to have an open and honest relationship with their boys as to what was happening with their father. The real issue was neither they nor their doctors could give them the answers that they wanted. Would this treatment make their dad all better? Herman always reassured the boys that he would be around for a long, long time. He would be around to see them grow up and become men. This time all went well until 1992. The tumor was once again making its presence known. This time the doctors suggested trying radiation. He was fitted with a mask, which fit as tightly as a second skin and was strapped onto a table making movement impossible. The success of the radiation depended on hitting the tumor in the exact right spot. He endured this form of treatment for 6 months. His hair fell out. Lori told us about the first time this happened. Herm had been on the phone with sister-in-law Noreen and had happened to reach up and scratch his head. Lori, hearing him scream had come running into the room. Herman was standing there looking at his hand that was covered with hair. It hadn’t fallen out one at a time. It was coming out in clumps. After the initial shock Herman would use this in turn to shock others! He loved to torment mom with this. At the end of the treatments he was left with only one strip of hair at the back of his head, which he guarded with his life. It didn’t matter how it looked, he would not consider cutting it. When his hair grew back it came in curly. This lasted for a short time and then he just started loosing his hair. What we all found the most amazing about Herman was his faith, determination and his drive. Herman was an impatient man at times. He always did things in the quickest manner possible. This could clearly be seen in the way that he drove his car! He was also very quick with his wit. I admired the character that he possessed, it would seem to be a Kehler trait because I also share this twisted sense of humor. Herman would shoot you a look or lift one eyebrow and you would know that you were now entering the Herman zone. No one was safe from his comments, jokes and remarks. He could give it out and he could take it in. This would become the trademark that would separate him from the other cancer patients at the Cancer Care Center. His amazing sense of humor left a mark and made him unforgettable to all that he met. Lori told me that there were people in the medical field who would keep track of his appointments just to be able to run into him and share a moment of his time. His third and final surgery took place on September 30, 1994. Herman was a medical marvel. He was one of five percent of the world population with this type of cancer. The tumor was actually two different types of cancer housed in one tumor. One was malignant and the other benign. The radiation had caused one of the cancers to shrink and the other to grow. The doctors, knowing that this would be the last time they could subject Hermie to surgery, went as deep into the tumor as was humanly possible. The depth of this final procedure caused Herm a lot more pain than the past two surgeries. Yet, once again, Herman climbed back up from this blow and continued on with life. Debbie had once commended him on his amazing courage and strength. He had looked at her with a puzzled look and had replied; you seriously don’t think that I’m doing this on my own do you? If it wasn’t for God and all the prayers said for me and my family, I wouldn’t be here doing what I’m doing. We were all holding Herman and Lori up in prayer but to go to a person who is living every moment of everyday with life threatening cancer and ask if they are living for God didn’t seem to be right. This confirmation of his faith and his dependence on God brought us great comfort. It seemed to be a subject that we just didn’t know how to approach. Many times people meaning to be helpful will say to a person who could be terminally ill that all they need to do is trust in God. At times, this well meaning comment will also include the mentality that if you trusted enough, you would also be healed. Though trusting, believing, and serving God are most important, it doesn’t mean that physical healing will be a guarantee. The guarantee is that God will carry you. We saw this in Herman. Herman had been willing to submit himself to the surgeries and the radiation. He had drawn the line at undergoing Chemotherapy. This was something that he just didn’t want in his life. How could a person possibly survive cancer with toxins being pumped directly into your veins? Herman pushed this thought as far out of his mind as possible and continued on living. Why waste time worrying about it? This worry met him head on in 98. The tumor had grown again but this time it was growing in the roots. Complete removal of the tumor was never an option because the tumor had tentacles that reached deep into the brain. Chemo was the only option. Herman was told that if he didn’t go for the Chemo he would have less than a year to live. I can remember sitting in church with a friend that first Sunday after we heard the news. Why God? Why are you letting it come to this? Can’t you please, oh please save him from this? Please heal our brother. Debbie had requested prayer for Herm and we all joined, praying for healing and strength. God delivered. Healing came in the form of the Chemo and strength came in his decision to take it. Herman started his first round of Chemo. He was on it for a year. He was still the same man that he was before he changed his mind about Chemo. He was definitely showing all that he was more than willing to put up a fight. Everyone has heard the horrors of Chemo and Herman endured the pain and sickness, which resulted from the drugs. He still was working full time and doing his best to present as normal a life as possible. I can recall mom telling me that what really bothered Herm during these trips to the Hospital to receive his treatments was watching the small children receiving theirs. At this time the Cancer Treatment for adults and children were on the same ward. Herman started his second round of Chemo in June 2001. It should be duly noted that Herman allowed the doctors to use him as a test subject. After each of his surgeries he would sign a consent form to do testing on the biopsies, all in the hope of possibly finding a cure that would benefit him as well as others. He continued to persevere in light of his medical condition. At one checkup, Lori had mentioned to the Doctor that Herman was an incredible tenacious man. The doctor laughed and told her that if Herman had not been that way, he probably would have succumbed to the tumor may years before. It would become apparent that Herman would have to endure a third round of Chemo. Half way through this third round of treatments Herman felt that it was no longer possible for him to continue working full time. One of the side effects of the tumor were mini seizures that he was having. He had experienced one of these at work and his ability to continue driving was brought into question. He did eventually loose his drivers because of the seizures. Without the privilege of driving, he lost a large portion of his independence. It would however be a gift of personal time for mother and son. Herman and mom had a routine that they would follow on the days that Herm would go in for the constant blood work that was needed to keep an eye on his condition. I can remember that we would all hold our breath whenever Herm would be going in for one of the CAT scans or the MRI tests. We would gratefully exhale when the results would come back and there was no change in the tumor. He now spent his days at home doing what was needed. Herm started his fourth and final round of Chemo on September 13, 2004. His health was showing obvious signs of decline at this time, he was tiring much easier these days. It was incredible to see him continuing the battle when so few had ever made it to this stage. It was nothing short of a miracle that he was going on to round four when most died after round two. He had a goal in mind. He was going to live until both his boys had completed High School. With this in mind, he pushed on. He continued to pester and annoy others as he had always done. None were safe from his antics. He continued to live as normal as his health would allow. Whether this was helping a neighbor, cooking, cleaning, continuing with the house renovations or taking one of the many daily walks with his dog, Buddie. His addiction to chocolate bars, chocolate milk and the all mighty can of Coke made him and Buddie regular fixtures at the Mohawk on the corner. Buddie became Herman’s leader after the dog learned to recognize the health signs of his master. He had become accustomed to the behavior that accompanied his seizures and started to lead instead of being led. He would become quite agitated whenever Herman would leave the house without him. If Herman would have a seizure while he was out walking, he would just continue to walk, not realizing where he was going or far he had gone. When this would occur, he would have to call home for a ride because he did not have the strength to walk back. The dog was allowed to go with and would help to look for Herman. After this happened a few times, Buddie would no longer allow Herm to leave the house without him. He felt responsible for Hermie. He started to hold the leash between his teeth and only allow Herman to go a certain distance before turning him around to go home. They had a routine and this routine was set in stone. He also had a very special relationship with their three cats. They too seemed to sense the health problems with their master. One of the cats would sleep on the bed next to Herman and had to be touching him at night. If Herm would have a tumor headache, the cat would lick his head and groom him throughout the night. When Herm’s health would take a slide the cats began showing signs of their stress by pulling out their hair. As we near the end of Herman’s life story, we want to testify to the many miracles that were evident at this time. Herman underwent a routine MRI on October 5, 2005. On October the 7th the results were in and there was no change in the size of the tumor. Herman was still managing to make the most of each day even though on these days it was mostly about sleeping and keeping on track with the numerous pills he needed to take everyday. He had taken it upon himself to construct a chart in order to monitor his meds. The shear number of pills that needed to be taken on a daily basis just to maintain life at times was overwhelming for him. Lori and the boys had on a number of occasions told Herman that if he was too tired to go on that it was alright to stop fighting. They told him that they loved him and that they would be alright. What mattered right now was that he was at peace and to know that he had been an inspiration to them all. His valor was uncomparible. His determination and his drive had far exceeded the length for life. The normal life expectancy for a person stricken with a brain tumor is anywhere from 3 months to 3 years. Herman lived with his tumor for an amazing 17 years. He managed to remain working full time even while on Chemo for 15 of these years. We are so very thankful to God for this wondrous gift. On Saturday, October 15, 2005, Herman was again stricken with seizures. This time they felt different to him and he asked Lori to take him to the hospital. Once there, he underwent a seizure that was uncomparable to any other. The force and duration of this seizure had the medical staff struggling for answers. The MRI results were brought into question, had there been a mistake in the findings? Had it been a stroke? If so, what would happen now? They continued to run more tests to find the cause and one of these tests would include a Spinal Tap. At the mere mention of the test, Herman paled. Martha and Kim were at the hospital on Monday with Herman and Lori and asked if it would be alright if they would pray for a pain free test. Herman welcomed it. He would not however take Martha up on her offer to sit with him during the test. He said that he drew the line in allowing his sister to see him crying out in pain. God again blessed us with a miracle. His Spinal Tap was virtually pain free. He had barely even noticed the puncture of the needle. We were receiving conflicting information from the hospital at this time. Regardless of this, it was more than obvious that something was wrong. Herman was convinced that he had suffered a stroke and was sent for a CAT scan. The results did not support a stroke. He was slowly regaining his strength and was allowed to go home on Wednesday the 19. He felt good enough to walk to the parkade. It was a good distance to go and we were encouraged by this. I had called in the evening and had shared with him how worried I was about him. He had replied that I should not worry too much; don’t bury me yet he had said. He had mentioned the possibility of going to Alberta to see his former Dr. who was out there working on Brain Cancer Research. The next day however told a different story. His strength was waning. He could not walk unaided and his speech was becoming slurred. He was spending more time sleeping and mom was now staying with them on a daily basis just in case he needed help. He was now walking with the aid of a walker and the left side of his body was weakening. On Monday, October 31, Mom and Mar spent the day with Herm. By this time his mobility was severely limited. He could no longer feed himself. I had told Herman that I was honored that he would allow me to feed him. I was so sorry that it was coming to this, but I was blessed that I could do something for him. It was so heartbreaking to see it come to this. As I sat with him through the day, I just marveled at this man. I gave him a back massage during which he fell asleep. I just couldn’t touch him enough. It started to annoy him, but for the most part, he submitted! On Tuesday evening Lori shared the news with Kim, Martha and Deb that the tumor had indeed shown signs of minor growth but that his body was now displaying the signs of the destructiveness of the tumor. The next day he was assessed by Home Care and the District Nurse. Herman wanted to remain at home if possible. The nurse reasoned that due to the high need of care that Herman required, this was no longer possible. At this point Herman’s speech was clearer but he could no longer walk. He was admitted to the Emergency Ward and more tests were conducted. There seemed to be a conflict with the findings of the last CAT scan and there showed a substantial amount of growth in the tumor. Martha was with Lori when a Dr. came in to explain the findings. No hope. Herman’s personal Dr. didn’t agree with these findings and the tests were repeated. As a family, we joined Herman and Lori at the hospital on Wednesday, November 2, 2005. Herman was suffering greatly at this time. He was not allowed to eat or drink his favorite food. He was totally cut off from chocolate bars, chocolate milk and the all mighty Coca-Cola. The left side of his throat was sluggish and he was only allowed to consume soft, easy to swallow foods. We all rallied on his behalf and supplied him with a continuous supply of puddings. Herman’s Oncologist delivered the grave news with tears in his eyes, that though the tumor had grown very slightly, the cancer cells were now stronger. There was nothing left that he could do for Herman. In light of the life span Herman had managed to attain, he felt that he could in no way give a future time line of life expectancy. If he would continue on as he had before, it could be years. We made a commitment as a family to support Herman, Lori and the boys to the best of our ability and set up a visitation schedule for the remainder of Herman’s days. We joined together and committed all to God in prayer. Herman was lovingly supported in his choice to end the Chemo treatments on Sunday, November 3, 2005. It was decided that he was to be moved to a Palliative Care Facility upon availability. Herman looked forward to this move. He had mentioned to Martha that it was pretty pathetic to think of the hospital as home. On November12, 2005, we were all summoned to the hospital. Herman was in distress. He had developed double pneumonia and was now relying on oxygen. We were blessed with the privilege to remain with Herman through the night as he developed bacteria in his blood and his condition worsened. How he struggled and fought through that night. God again offered us a miracle. Herman had moments of clarity, which enabled him to see that we were all there and that we could tell him one more time how very brave and strong he had been and that we loved him so. He was able to verbalize that he had heard Justin’s heartfelt letter of love and the news from Craige that he would become a Grandfather and to tell Lori and the boys one more time that he loved them. Sunday morning arrived and he was still with us. We all felt that there was a change in the room. It felt so very peaceful. Throughout the day, loved ones came to say good-bye and to send him on with love. We continually assured him that it was alright to go, we would take care of his family. As the day wore on, we could see that he was slipping away. Justin was holding one hand, his father the other as he went. What a gift. From the loving hands of a father and son on earth to the loving hands of Father and Son in Heaven. Herman left us peacefully at 8:20 p.m. on Sunday, November 13, 2005. Our reverent prayer is that we never lose sight of or forget the numerous miracles and blessings gifted to us by God throughout Herman’s life. We love you Herman, we will see you in the morning."

Dear Trudy and Strength Seeker: My Mom passed away June 14 2006, 3 1/2 months ago. I always thought she would be here, and never, ever thought she would die. I am lost without her, and don't know what to do with myself. I am 47, soon to be 48 in November, and I still need my Mom! She died from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). She smoked her entire life, and I never thought it would kill her, but it did. I am most angry because it didn't have to happen. On my Mom's side of the family, everyone always died from old age. No cancer, no heart disease, nothing. I said once that we don't need for diseases to run in our family, that we just kill ourself. I know that sounds crude, but I was angry at her. THen, in the same breath, I can't be angry with her. She didn't know it would kill her. I am so torn. There is nothing I can do to bring her back, so it does me no good to be angry with her. At least in the last year of her life, we got closer to each other than we ever had. I took care of her, even in the end when she couldn't feed herself, or change herself. She basically just laid in bed all day and watched TV, in between sleeping. But when she woke up, I was right there for her, and I know she appreciated it. We never told Mom she was dying (although she probably knew near the end), so I could never tell her good bye. Days are better, now that I have found this website. It is very healing to read and to write on this site. Everyone here is suffering, but they all reach out to one another to try to ease the other's hurt. They are all just like family. You will never be judged for what you need to say, so feel free to say exactly what is on your mind. I hope the both of you find some happiness and peace in the coming days and weeks. I am so very sorry for each of your losses. Sincerely, Kim

Dear Lori: What an amazing man. I am so touched. I'm speechless. Thank you for sharing his story with us. I feel like I knew him. It was beautiful. I wish I could be there with you, just to cry together with you. I understand why you are in such agony. I will write more later. Right now, I am totally speechless, but appreciate you sharing that with us. Sincerely, Kim

Hi John: I read your poem last night, but was so touched that I couldn't respond. It is so beautiful, and you are so lucky to have had Jack in your life! I just recently joined this site. I lost my Mom on June 14, 2006. I was having a very hard time with it, until I found this site, and then things started getting a little better. I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your poem and how deeply it touched me. Not only were you lucky to have Jack, but it sounds like he was fortunate to have you in his life too. Take care, Kim

Hi Penny and Shell, I too was right there when Mom died, and when they took her away. I didn't like that one bit! And I keep reliving that in my mind also. My sister did call me the other day. What a surprise. I asked how she was doing, and she said fine. She never asked about me, and that sort of hurt, but that's OK. Other than that, we never talked about Mom. Someday, I feel I will get better. I have to. In the meantime, this site is a God send. I don't know where I'd be without it. And Shell, feel free to talk about your Mom anytime. It may help to get you through the day. Sincerely, Kim

Hi Shell, Your Mom is still young! Nowadays, people are living longer. My Mom was only 73, which was entirely too young to die. She still had a lot of living to do. My son told me to treat them normally, because if you don't, they may think there's something wrong. So, when they say something completely off the wall, just pretend that it's as normal as ever. It was good advice. It doesn't cause them any undue stress. And they don't think there's anything wrong with them, and that makes their life better. It may drive you crazy, but it makes them feel better! Take care, and write back soon and let me know how your Mom is doing. Sincerely, Kim

Hi Deb, Welcome. I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom June 14, 2006, to COPD. She was 73, which I consider to be young. I think that your mom was very young to be taken from you. This site will help you. I guarantee it. I have not been here very long, maybe a few weeks, and I already feel so much better. Just being able to "talk" to people in the same situation as I am, helps in ways you never knew existed! You will never be judged here, and are encouraged to write whenever and whatever you need to. You have just joined a family that cares, and will listen without criticizing. I too am on anti-depressants...I have been since my husband was in a coma (he's fine now), and my oldest sister died, in 2001. I tried to go off of them once, and realized that I needed them! I am angry also...I don't know who I am mad at...I think I am just mad that my mom is gone, and I can't call her anymore, or run up to her house. What coincidences have you had, since she passed away? I would love to hear about them. I have had just a few, like the TV in the bedroom came on, by itself, and no one was in the room at the time. THat has happened 2 times. And, I was sitting at my computer, and the light I have on top of my cabinet just decided to off. I stood up, and told "whoever" that I really needed it on, and turned it back on. You certainly found the right place to talk. Even though we are told that our Mom's are going to die soon, I still don't think we're prepared when it happens. I never, ever thought my Mom would die. Sounds silly, but I just alway thought she'd be here for me. Now she's not, and I really don't know what to do with myself. I took care of her, with the help of Hospice, and now there is no one that needs me to take care of them... You are doing pretty good to get up every morning and get dressed. I don't get dressed every day...and most days, find me sleeping late, and just sitting in my recliner with my puppy. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything yet. It will come, I know it. Just not now. So, welcome to the family and I am very sorry for the loss of your parents. Come back often, and say whatever you need to. We'll all be here for you. Sincerely, Kim

Lori, Please do post the eulogy! I am sure everyone would like to know alot more about your Herman! My mom did not have any services so there was no eulogy for her, and the newspaper in San Diego wrote her obituary, so it was very "matter-of-fact". They wouldn't let me put my sister's name in it, who had died in 2001, nor could we put any grandkids names either. So, yes, I am anxious to read the eulogy for Herman. Take care, Kim

Hi Shell, Thanks for responding so quickly. You know, since Mom died, I have become a night owl too. Don't know why... I cannot believe what you've been through this last year! That's just way too much for one person! Maybe your Mom is the way she is because of what has happened. It could be her way of coping, and not getting hurt anymore. How old is your Mom? It was really hard to see my Mom's mind go, as she had ALWAYS been so sharp, and smart. I just killed me, but we got through it. I just tried to treat her as normally as I possibly could, considering her situation. Since I have been visiting this site, I feel so much better. It's really sort of strange, because after the first day, I was feeling better. And this past week, I have been feeling much better about things. I still don't feel like doing much of anything yet, but my mind is more at ease. And I still think about Mom every single day, but the thoughts aren't always so sad now. I'm not saying that I am "over" this yet, but I think I am down the right path. Thanks for everything! I really appreciate everyone and everything that is said on this site! Take care, Kim

Good Morning Shell! I see we're both out and about early today! Actually, I haven't been to bed yet. Another one of my "new" habits! I am sorry to hear about your Dad dying of lung cancer, especially since he had quit smoking! It must not have been the cause of the cancer. How old was he? My Mom died from COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pumonary Disease), as a direct result from smoking.That's one reason that I am mad, because it didn't have to happen. (I have no room to criticize tho, as I inherited Mom's habit too!) The four other deaths, were they all family members too, and were they all from the same thing? That's a lot for a person to handle in such a short time period. So what you're saying is, from the time he was diagnosed to the time of his death, you had four weeks "notice"? Wow! Mom and I had always been close, but we got even closer, near the end. It really hurt me to see her wither away. She got down to 86 pounds, and near the end, her mind wasn't really there. I mean, she could think and speak, but alot of the times, she made no sense at all. She was completely bedridden the last 4 four weeks, and one night, she told my daughter that she had left the burner on the stove on, and would she go turn it off. My daughter left the room for a few minutes, then came back, and told her Grandma that she turned off the stove. Mom asked her how much damage had been caused, and Kristy said, "Don't worry Grandma, I got to it in time!" We basically just humored her, and tried to make her feel like she was "normal". I know that helped her. Didn't do much for me and my daughter, but at least it helped Mom to feel OK. I really do feel much better since coming to this board. It was exactly what I needed! Thanks for being there, and listening and sharing. I feel like I have known so many of you for so long...like friends you grew up with. So, many thanks to everyone. I know that we will all get through this eventually. I just know we will do it, together. Take care and get some sleep!!! Sincerely, Kim

Hi Jamie: I too am fairly new to this site. I didn't know what to expect, but have found it to be very helpful just to be able to "talk" about the loss of my Mom. By the way, her name was Helen, and she was somebody. Herman was someone too. I was so afraid that if I didn't post an obituary in our newspaper, that Mom "wouldn't be someone". I wanted there to be evidence that she lived. Thank goodness she allowed me to put an obituary in the San Diego newspaper. I know it sounds silly, but I told my husband that I just wanted the world to know that she existed. Feel free to talk about your husband, Herman, in any way that suits you. We are all very willing to hear about him. It feels really good to be able to say their names...they weren't just a statistic, they were SOMEONE! Take care and write when you can. We are all here for you. Sincerely, Kim

Maylissa, I have not been posting on the site for very long, maybe a little less than a week, but when I read your post today, I was so sad for you. It is so hard to lose a pet, a friend, a constant companion...I wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better for you, but I know there is nothing. Just know that there are ALOT of people here who truly care. I found that out very quickly. This site has done wonders for me, and I know that when the time comes, you too will feel the love and compassion from the rest of us. Take care, and write soon, if you can. If there's one thing I've learned from everyone, it's to let it out...just say what's in your mind...eventually, the pain will be more tolerable. Sincerely, Kim

Well, I was close on the name! My sister lives in Apple Valley and works at St. Mary's Hospital. Are you familiar with that area or do I have the wrong state? Are your other puppies the same age as Tawny? or from a different litter? Let's hope it's not genetic! You know, it was probably just a fluke, and won't happen again, like your Vet said. I certainly hope no one poisoned her! I despise people who are cruel to animals. Thanks for the nice words about Benny. He was one of a kind. So smart, and loving and playful...he was a good boy and I miss him. My husband buried him in the backyard, in a spot where he could still watch over the house and take care of his "family". Take care and thanks for being there. Kim

Dear avsqr dancer, (BTW, is that short for an avid square dancer?) I am so very sorry to hear about your dog Tawny. She was awful young to have kidney failure. That only makes it more of a shock when they pass away! My "Boys" mean so much to me, and always have. They love me unconditionally. I sometimes wish people were that way! I am going to try to attach a picture of Benny. In this photo, he was 13 years old, and starting to turn grey. He was such a sweetie pie, and wanted nothing more than to please you. Believe me, I feel your pain when it comes to the loss of your Tawny. I hate to call them "pets", because they are so much more than that. And thank you for your reply to my post. Take care, Sincerely, Kim [attachmentid=51]

Hi Haley! Thank you so much for your reply! You'll never know how much it meant to me. Especially because you were describing "ME". I had been thinking, "Geez Kim, it's been over 3 months since Mom died (I can say that word now!), and you're still sulking and feeling sorry and sad." But then after reading yours and everyone else's posts, I realize that 3 months is just the beginning! I can and will take all the time I need to get through this. Before I came to this website, I had no clue what was going on with my life...none. Then I read, and read and read some more posts and realized that I am right where I need to be. I may not post replies every day, but I surely do come to this site daily, if for no other reason than just to check in on how everyone is doing. This site and everyone in it have helped me tremendously. No one told me what to expect after Mom died. No one told me how long my grieving would or could last. (Maybe that is something that Hospice should counsel the caregivers on in the future) I am not exaggerating at all. I have felt better this past week than I have in the last three months, and that is because of everyone of you. I am so thankful that I found out about this site. I don't know where I'd be without it. I feel like I have found a whole new group of friends and family, who accept me the way I am, in spite of my problems! I love how you said that we were not here to judge. Sometimes when you talk to other people, do you feel like they are listening, but assume they are really thinking, "Man, she's taking this thing hard! Shouldn't she be over it by now?" I feel for you Haley, because it is very hard to walk in the room, and act like nothing is wrong, and all we are waiting for is Mom to get better, so we can get on with life. That is what my Mom was led to believe. Deep down, I wanted to break down and cry and tell her I didn't want her to leave me. I don't know how many times I would leave her room and end up crying, then telling her my eyes were red and nose runny because my sinuses were acting up. What do we do about that hole in our hearts? I hate this! I am so mad that Mom died. I'm not sure who I am mad at, but I do know that I am very upset over it. I have no idea how to go on with life without thinking about Mom and the situation all the time. I guess as we progress, we'll work it out for ourselves, in our own way. Thank you for replying and for listening. I appreciate it very much, and I appreciate and feel for everyone on this site, because I know what brought everyone to this place. We all are trying to deal with the loss of a loved one or pet, and are trying to get through each day. Oh, one more thought that has been crossing my mind and bothering me...I told my 23 yr old daughter the other day that I felt very sorry for her and she asked why. I said, because of what I am going through now with my Mom. I don't want her to hurt the way that I am, when my time comes. Is that way out in left field? Sometimes, I can't believe the things that go through my head! But there goes the "worrier" in me...always anxious about everyone else's feelings. UGH!!! I wish I could just think straight, and be "normal" again. Thanks again. Take care. Sincerely, Kim

I am very sorry about your loss of your dog. Although I joined this website because I lost my Mom on June 14, 2006, I too have lost my pets. Matter of fact, 6 weeks before Mom died, I lost my oldest doxie Benny. He would have been 14 October 21st. In some ways, it's harder to lose a pet. They are so loveable and forgiving and accepting. They don't care what you're wearing or if you've done your hair that day, or if you've put on a few pounds! They simply want to make you happy, and in turn, they are happy. They are so comforting during sadness, and they know when Mommy needs a laugh. I still have three other "babies", all doxies, and I don't know where I would be without them in my life. Even in these sad times, they always seem to bring a smile to my face. I am so sorry that you lost your Blacky in such a horrible way. It is not your fault. I truly believe that when we cross over, all of our beloved pets are there waiting for us, along with our family and friends. And, they are still here with us, watching over their families. Look for the signs. They are there, if you're willing to see them. Take care, and keep on posting. It really does help. Sincerely, Kim

Good Morning Shell, Thank you for replying! Its strange, because I never, ever thought that I would be affected by Mom's death the way that I am. When my husband's mother died in 1994, I was sad for a few weeks, but then I moved on. It was the same way with my grandmother in 1983...I was sad, but life went on and so did I. I just assumed that was all there was to it! Boy was I wrong. I have come to realize that Mom's death really is getting to me because we were so close. Not just near the end when I took care of her, but throughout my entire life, unlike the other siblings. And that's why it hurts so much. I know that sounds very simplistic, but I had never really thought about it much, until now. I believe that is why the other siblings don't call or write, because they just weren't there for her. My sister tried to be close to Mom, but it's hard when you live in another state. She was affected by Mom's death, more than I thought, and right after Mom died, we would talk for hours on the phone. She even came over to Arizona a few times to try to help me with Mom's house. Whenever something happened in our lives, whether it was with a job, the kids, a vacation, just anything, her and I both would always call Mom to talk about it. We both told each other that we'd miss that and from now on, we'd have to call each other and tell each other what was going on in our lives. I know my sister is trying and for that, I am thankful. Talk about "sh** happens!" One of my brothers tried to start a war with me, after Mom died. He tried to turn the other kids against me. (although they didn't go for that) It all boiled down to the fact that he could not deal with the fact that Mom had left me in charge of everything, before and after her death. I guess because I am the youngest, he felt he should have been "in charge". It was terrible right after her death because he made me and the others feel terrible with his silly fighting. Thank goodness he has stopped acting childish. It's a long story with him, something I'll reserve for a future post, as it tends to upset me when I think about him and the way he treated me, and my sister when she decided that he was just starting trouble! I am wondering what my trip will be like next week. I haven't seen my friend since April. We've talked on the phone a few times, but nothing in depth. I am hoping she won't get too bored with me, talking about how Mom's death is affecting me. She's a really good friend, and I think she will listen and give me helpful advice...I hope! Thanks for the replies! I sincerely appreciate them. I am really not used to talking about my problems, and having someone listen and then reply, so this is really new to me, but I like it and it helps me to feel better every time I come to this site. Hope you're doing good. I hate to ask, but who passed away in your life? Was it your Mom too? How long ago did your special person pass? I would love to hear about your situation, if you can. Looking forward to hearing from you. Have a great day. Thanks for the "hugs" too! Sincerely, Kim

Lorikelly, It's odd, but my Benny would have been 14 on October 21st! He was old too, but like you said, I wasn't ready for him to leave us yet. He was such a good boy, and I miss him. Shell, It's so funny, odd, weird, strange that we all have so much in common, still...it's nice because we're all basically the same! I liked you describing us as a family, because my "blood" family isn't there for me. I realized yesterday that none of my brother's or sister has called to ask how anyone is doing. I don't know if it's because they just don't care, or if they're dealing with things in their own way. I email all of them, but never get replies asking how anyone is! Isn't that odd? Frankly, I have to realize that they are never going to act the way that I want them to...and that is something I am having to deal with now too! I am going away next week for about three days with my 23 year old daughter. I'm going to where we used to live, to visit with my friend and my daughter is visiting her old friends. I am looking forward to it, in a way. Part of me wants to stay home and not go, but the other part wants to get out and feel halfway alive again! I wouldn't be going, but I have a doctor's appointment next week, and I have to go, otherwise, I know I would find an excuse not to go. Isn't that terrible? We'll see how it goes. I have a week before I leave. Thanks again for being there to listen. I can't get over how much better I feel after visiting this site! Take care, Kim

When you're ready, we are all here for you. Take care. Kim

Dear Lori, Kelly Marie, Quiltcat, Shell, Penny, and all of my other new friends, Thank you all so much for your help. I feel for each and every one of you, since I know what everyone is going through. I really didn't think that Mom's passing would affect me to the extent that it has. One of the things that I absolutely HATE to hear is when well meaning friends tell me that "at least she lived a full life" I know people are only trying to make me feel better by saying this, but honestly, it doesn't. I am so very sorry to hear about Spanky, Lori. How old was he? And what kind of breed was Spanky? I love my babies...I have three, right now. They are doxies. I think it's really strange, but 6 weeks before Mom died, I lost my oldest and my "first" doxie. His name was Benny and he was 13 years old. He is the reason that we have the other three! He was such a good boy, lovable and smart, loyal, and I miss him alot too. As I read through alot of the posts, I have noticed quite a few losses of pets and family members, around or near the same time. The day after Mom died, we had to put her dog Katy to sleep. She had cancer and was blind, and the vet said he didn't know how she had made it this far. Although, I think I know...Katy stayed around because Mom needed her. I totally understand what you're saying about your Mom not realizing she was dying, even when Hospice came. My Mom was told they were there just to make her comfortable. Mom was even worried about becoming addicted to the liquid morphine they prescribed for her, and I convinced her that she was not taking enough of it to become addicted. After that, she always took her meds willingly. And my Mom was so afraid to die, that she wouldn't talk about it, at all. The only time she talked about her death, was when she was feeling good, like early last year. She told me exactly what I was supposed to do, when the time came. At least we were prepared for that. We didn't have a service, at her request. She said, "If you can't come see me when I'm alive, then don't come see me when I'm dead!" She didn't want an obituary to run in the Phoenix newspaper either. I'm not quite sure why, but I abided by her wishes. She did ask me to run one in the San Diego paper, because that is where she was born and raised, and she had a lot of friends and family there. The only thing that I have NOT done, that she asked me to do, is take her to the cemetery and bury her ashes with her husband's ashes. I feel bad about not doing that yet, but I think Mom would understand if I kept them for a little while, as long as eventually, I had her buried with her hubby. It's sort of coincidental that you too are the youngest of five. Don't you find it funny that the youngest ones are the ones who end up taking care of Mom throughout her life and then, we are also the ones who take care of things after they pass? I honestly wouldn't want any of my siblings to take care of anything...and I didn't want any of them to take care of her, because no one would have done it like I did! I know Mom appreciated everything. Even when she was in good health, I was always the one who kept in touch, and visited her often; she always had holidays with me and my family...I know that the others have missed out on alot and they will never have the feelings or memories that I have. That is probably why I am taking her death so much harder than the rest of them. They just weren't as close to her as I was, and that is a shame for them. I used to be scared to think about dying. Then, I started reading some books on the subject. I came to believe that we will be with our relatives and friends and PETS, once we cross over. It helped and made me feel better, although I am still afraid to die...its that fear of the unknown, I know that once I die, things will be wonderful, forever. I totally feel for you in so many different ways. When I read your post, I felt like you had peeked into my life, and written about it. I devoted my life to taking care of my Mom, also at the expense of my husband and family. He was great though, and told me to do whatever I had to, and whatever I needed to do. He NEVER once made me feel bad for staying at Mom's almost constantly. He's a keeper! Sometimes, I feel like I was put here on earth to take care of others. My husband is disabled, and over the past 27 years, I have had to take care of him after surgeries or when he was having a hard time of it. When Mom needed my help, I never once questioned what had to be done. I just jumped right in and got things done. And it made me feel really good. I would stay up all night long just to finish things, so the next morning, Mom and I could spend time together. It's hard to describe how I felt, but it really made me feel like it was my life's calling and made me feel really good about myself, no matter how tired I was. It was a good tired. Now, no one needs me to "take care" of them, and you're right, I don't know what to do. I am not used to this! It's hard to live your life for yourself, when all you've done is take care of others. When you learn the secret on how to do it, please share! And please, don't worry about "rambling", because you are not. I truly appreciate hearing how you and everyone else is feeling...it tends to make me feel better, because I am doing the same thing. It shows me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, nor is there anything wrong with the way everyone else is feeling. We are all trying to get through this horrible time in our lives, and I believe that by writing and communicating with each other, we help one another. Its not the same when I talk to someone else...I think because, no matter how hard they try, and no matter how well meaning they are, they just don't get it. By telling someone who is going through exactly what you are, it is healing. I don't know why, but I do know that I feel much better after reading and writing to this site. So please, always feel free to write whatever you need to. It will begin to set you free of this load we are carrying. I know it will be a long, trying time. There's no way around that. But this site is our beginning...so we can move on and live our lives the way our departed loved ones, be they our family or our pets, would want us to. So, in closing for today, I just want to thank EVERYONE for listening, and for allowing me to be a part of your lives and your pain and your feelings. I am honored. I will always be here to listen, when you need it. Sincerely, Kim

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate it very much. Even tho this is only the first day that I have posted to this site, I already feel better, just knowing that I am where I should be, wherever that may be. It really does feel better knowing there are others in the same situation. I know it's been said over and over, but it's like I have been drowning these last three months, and today, you all have just thrown me a life raft! Thank you, every one of you. I will keep writing and reading and posting, and maybe I can help someone else out too. For today, this is a good day. My Mom and I used to watch "Grey's Anatomy", then call each other and discuss that evening's happenings and how WE would have liked the television show to go. Tonight is the season premiere and I know Mom will be right beside me, watching it with me. It will be different for me, not calling her to talk about the show. Its on now, so gotta go. Thanks again. Kim

Dear Quiltcat, I replied to your post, that responded to my post, and suggested that you write your Mom a letter, telling her exactly how you feel, and that she has upset you. Tell her how mad she made you feel, or how much she hurt you. My daughter suggested that I do that, on a day when I was mad at my Mom for dying! I told her how upset she made me, and asked her things. I just saved the letter on my computer, and have never gone back to look at it again. It did make me feel better, even though I cried the whole time that I wrote it. It may work in your situation, but you'll never know unless you try! I hope it helps, even a little bit. Take care. Kim

Dear Quiltcat, Thank you for responding to my post. You hit the nail on the head when you said it takes so much energy to take care of someone who is dying. Did your Mom know she was dying? You're right, I spent almost ALL of my time at my Mom's house. Matter of fact, we used to live in the White Mountains (if you know Arizona), which was about 246 miles from Mom and just moved down to Surprise last September. Mom lived in Sun City, so she was only about 6 miles from us, once we moved. Beginning in January this year, she was in and out of the hospital about 4 - 5 times. You'd think I would get a break while she was in the hospital, but I would visit her twice a day. One time, I didn't go. We had company. When I showed up the next day, she told me that she missed having me come up. I didn't tell her, but I felt really guilty about that. In May, she was put on Hospice, and spent the rest of her time left at home. My 23 year old daughter moved in with her, because she was bedridden, and needed constant care. Although I couldn't stay at her house constantly, I came up every day, and spent all day with her, and slept at her house every other night. When she started getting worse, I just stayed every night with her. I didn't want my daughter to be at the house alone if she died, and I didn't want my mother to be alone, if my daughter was asleep. I don't think it was fair for your family to give you flack about not quitting your job to be with your Mom more. We all do what we can. I was told by my oldest brother that I HAD to be Mom's caretaker, because I was the closest to her. (He lives in California...not too far away). I would have done it without him telling me that I HAD to, because I did it for Mom, not for him. I also did my Mom's finances. She had made me her Power of Atty agent. So, along with trying to take care of her house, grocery shopping for her, taking her to her doctor's visits (before she went on Hospice), making sure she ate (she got down to about 86 pounds because nothing tasted good!), I was trying to take care of my own home, get things put away, because we had recently moved, making sure I didn't neglect anything at my house, and the list goes on and on. I was trying to run two households in half the time. I think I should say this...I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I told my Mom that she took care of me when I was young, and now it was my turn to take care of her! Try not to feel guilty. You did what you could. We all do what we can, and still feel like it's never enough. I can hold my head up, knowing that I did all I could for Mom, and that is something that my two brothers cannot say. They have not done anything whatsoever to help, and they will have to live with that. I doubt seriously if my brothers feel guilty. We weren't that close of a family. The brother in California hadn't seen my Mom for years, and decided in April of this year, that he'd better start seeing her, because he thought she was going to die (which she did) He did it to make himself feel better, and not for my Mom. THe other brother was just out to see what he could get from all this, and I no longer speak to him. Basically, all I have left is my other sister, and we are trying to make the best of this. She apologized to me because she came over in May, and had to leave the next day because she just couldn't handle seeing Mom the way she was. She couldn't understand how I did it every day. Mom was so frail in the end, and it was hard to see her like that. I don't fault my sister at all, because we all have our ways of dealing with things. I was the youngest of five kids (my oldest sister died in 2001), yet I am basically the one handling everything. When you said you schedule in one mandatory activity each week and get your nails done, or see a movie, do you do this by yourself? Do you feel better once you've done it? I'm one of those people who don't like to go places alone. I will ask my daughter to come with me, which helps, because she lets me talk all I want about Mom. We went to Mom's house last night to pick up some things, and I couldn't handle it. I am selling my Mom's house, which is hard enough to begin with, but the house was so quiet and still. No sign of life. It really made me sad to go there, but still, I am glad the house hasn't sold yet, so that I CAN go there, just to see her house again, and see her "things". This last year, we got closer. We had the best Christmas last year, that I can remember having in a long, long time. I am very thankful for that. Basically, we had a good relationship, most of the time. I will definitely remember this last year. We would go out for lunch or go shopping when she felt well enough, but near the end, she didn't even eat anymore. At least I know I made her happy. One of the most memorable things I remember is that I was cleaning her breathing machine next to her bed. I thought she was asleep, but then I felt her reach up and touch my arm. I looked at her, and all she did was smile at me. She said so much to me with just that smile than any words could have ever said. When I was having a bad day, my daughter told me to write a letter to Mom, on the computer, and tell her everything that I wanted to tell her or ask her, but didn't. You might want to try doing that for your Mom. You can ask her all the questions you wanted to before, but were too afraid to. Then, when you are done, just save the letter. You never have to read it again, or you can read it again if it will help. But at least you finally can ask her what you need to. Thanks for listening. And thank you for responding, and allowing me to reminice. Just by writing this post, I am able to remember some good things about this past year, and for that, thank you. Kim

I received my Hospice Newsletter yesterday, and found this discussion board in it. My mother passed away on June 14 2006. I took care of her, 24/7, for the last few months of her life. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I am having a hard time with this. I thought I could go on "normally", but that is not what is happening. My daughter told me that "I used to bounce off the walls", because I was always doing something. Now, there are days where I don't even get dressed, and will just sit in my recliner all day. Some days, I have no desire to do anything at all, and I feel like such a failure. Is this normal? Are there others who feel this way? Since this is my first time losing someone so close to me, I don't know what is right and wrong?? I have two brothers and one sister, all out of state. The brothers are really good at telling me what I should be doing to take care of Mom's estate, and how to sell her house, but have not lifted a finger to help me. My sister came over one weekend and helped me go through Mom's things, but she works full time, so everything is left for me to do. Mind you, I don't mind in the least bit doing this for my Mother, but it makes me angry when the two brothers just sit back and tell me what I am doing wrong. It tends to take away from me being able to grieve and move on. Anyway, I don't know what I am supposed to feel or how I am supposed to be acting. It's been a little over 3 months since Mom died, and I still don't know how to get through this. I thought if I could talk to others who are going through the same thing, that it might help. My husband is being great through this whole process, and my daughter is trying to help me too. I feel guilty on those days when I just can't do anything but sit there. My husband tells me that it's OK, and to do what I need to do, but I still feel guilty. I had Mom cremated, and her wishes were to be buried with her husband, who died in 1998. I haven't taken her ashes to the cemetery yet, and am feeling guilty about that. I just feel better having her ashes in the house with me, but the guilt comes because I know she wanted buried with her husband. My sister told me to keep Mom's ashes as long as I need to, and my husband told me that he didn't mind if I kept her forever. I couldn't do that, even tho that's what I want to do right now, because I promised Mom I would bury her with her husband. Even though we had Mom on Hospice, and we knew she was dying, I never got to tell her good-bye. See, Mom would never admit to the fact that she was gravely ill, and the only way we could get Hospice to take care of her was to tell her that they were there to make her more comfortable. She was 73 yrs old, and whenever "hospice" was mentioned, it meant you were dying, in her mind. She was never told that she was dying, although some say she knew it. Her nurse tried to talk to her about her impending death, and Mom just turned her head away, and very politely asked her to leave. Later that day, Mom was very upset, and asked me how she was going to get through this, and I told her that I would be there to take care of everything, until she was better. She relaxed, and from then on, no one ever mentioned dying again. It upset Mom too much, and I refused to make her unhappy during her last days. I got so much closer to my Mom during those last few months, and will always cherish that time, but I feel guilty that I never told her good bye. I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me, but I always had to go in her room with a "happy" face, and act like nothing was wrong. Some days, I just wanted to cry and tell her I didn't want her to go, and that I would miss her, but I never could, for her sake and sanity. So am I crazy? Am I normal? I don't know where I should be in this process, or if I should even be concerned about where I am in this? Thank you for listening and any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Kim