Raven12

Thank you KayC

Hello all, I stayed away to clear my head and move forward after my "back then" boyfriend and I stopped seeing eachother. Matt and I had been seeing each other for almost a year, knew each other in high school, both in our 50's now, and I was also good friends with his sister. His son was tragically killed in a car crash in Nov. of 2015. He went into a horrible spiral, and by the following January of last year, we were seeing eachother less and less. I was the one to take the step of giving him space. I knew he needed it. We kept in touch sporadically and are still friends on facebook. I've seen him twice now, once in August at a local art fair, and then in October he took me out to dinner, and said he wanted to get back together. Well.....he drifted again. Only this time, I'm so much different. I don't pursue him when he drifts away. And I don't put my life on hold. It's been very hard, but I have boundaries now. If he stops contact, I don't initiate it. And ironically, he does in time, but we haven't seen each other since October. To add to the grief that he is trying so hard to get past, his sister died three days ago. I did talk to him on the phone and am going to the visitation this weekend. We come from a very small town and many of my friends will be there, and I am wise and strong enough to support him without expectation of a relationship. This was one of the hardest things I have gone through. Matt and I did not break up, there were never any words of ceasing the relationship. We were great together. But it just ended. And what I've learned is that you go on with your life, and keep the interaction friendly and supportive, but never discuss what happened to "us". Grief happened. And grief is huge and consumes the person involved. You don't project it onto yourself and wonder if you could have been a better girlfriend or boyfriend. I did all that a year ago, and realized it wasn't me. He cares, I know that now, and I will always care about him. He and I have done more talking in a year than we have the whole time we were together, about real things, like life and how precious it is. Who knows what the next year will bring. I don't for a minute give him the impression that I'm sitting around in a corner waiting. But he does know I care. But for now, everyone please, if you are going through what I did, take these words of advice. Go out and enjoy your life, and whatever it brings you. And don't wait by the phone, but be supportive if they do call. If you're busy, be busy. If your free, say so. Just don't ever put your life on hold. Give them their time to grieve.

Hello all, I posted on here a few times about my boyfriend, who lost his 22 year old son in a bad car crash in early December. He began drifting from me, and I felt it best to give him room to process his son's death, along with other family issues that were consuming him. That was back in early February. We continued to text off and on, he made it clear he missed me, but no attempt to see me until around late April. We made dinner plans and talked by phone, and he cancelled twice. He told me he would leave it up to me if I wanted to reschedule. That was the deciding factor for me, and I never did reschedule with him, it was time to take some pride in my self worth. As hard as it was I let more and more time lapse without sending a text to check on him. The last time I "talked" to him was via facebook messenger in May. So I decided it was time to let go, even though we are still "friends" on facebook. His sister sent me a message about six weeks ago and told me that he had basically had a nervous breakdown at the scene of the crash. It was around then that I sought counseling for myself and had to hear what I already knew. That Matt needed to find his own way and do his own healing, whatever that means for him. It wasn't about me, I had to stop searching for what I could have done to help. He wanted his son back, and his life was a nightmare. So.....I started doing things for me as hard as it has been. I have bad days, but I'm feeling better about myself and putting my focus on my own happiness. I went down South a few weeks ago on a fabulous vacation with some girlfriends and worked on my photography. He "liked" a photo I posted of myself, which I take as a good thing. I know he cares for me, but somehow I feel stronger and better about myself not chasing after him, but rather to let him have his space. I guess that is what they mean by unconditional love. Doing what is best for the other person.

Chinup, I'm so happy for you regarding the interview! And for blocking facebook. I agree with you Kayc, it does make it harder to "watch" what the other is doing. Matt's still on mine and so are his sisters, his one sister and I converse on there from time to time. I never ask her how he is, I keep it light and simple. It doesn't bother me to see him posting, in a way it lets me know how he is doing. I still worry about him. I'm not so confident all the time, and often have to re-read my own advice or the advice of others to keep me strong. So glad I've met so many wonderful and strong women on here to talk to! Thank you to all of you!

Over the past several days I've begun to think about things differently. Perhaps Matt wasn't the right man for me after all. He and I have a lot in common, but there were things that I wasn't okay with either. I refuse to close off any future chances for true happiness. Perhaps we could all view this as time to look within ourselves for things we would like to change, or new experiences to explore. New social circles. One of my favorite things to do is go on Meetup.com and search for activities or social events to attend (it's not a dating site). Admittedly its too fresh and painful for you Jaded to be in that place yet, your circumstances could change for the better yet. For the rest of us, there's a whole world out there to take part in. I'm not saying dating necessarily, but being happy and content with things as they are. They say that if you sit and stare at the closed doors too long, you don't see the ones that are opening.

Jaded, I think texting is fine unless a lot of time passes without in person contact. I did text Matt frequently after deciding to give him space. And he would always return one to me, even saying he was thinking about me as well. But then it got very sporadic, and I even tried to call once and got a text two days later. I wouldn't say not to text, I guess you have to go with how he responds to it. I don't think they have the opportunity to process their own grief or feelings about us if we make it too easy either. I haven't messaged mine in two weeks and don't plan to. He did like two of my posts on facebook a week ago. Not sure how to interpret that LOL Happy he did....yes.....my idea of making an effort to communicate......NO. I'm not in high school anymore. Cathy I know what you mean about ripping open wounds. That's what I'm afraid of by taking the initiative to ask him to dinner again. Nope. His turn. I agree with you that we need to put ourselves into things that we enjoy and not spend time pondering why things happened the way they did.

Sorry Kayc, I missed that in the posts. That would make it so much more difficult. As for me, I've put mine in a different place, acceptance of what is. That is honestly the only choice all of us have. My thoughts are with you Jaded, stay strong.

Dear Jaded11, I am going through this as well with the man that I considered my boyfriend for a year. Things were going along wonderfully for us, and the day after we celebrated successes for both of us, his son was tragically killed in a car accident. He was only 22, and it was a few weeks before Christmas last year. I stood by his side through the memorial and funeral, and he kept in contact with me over the next two months, although we saw each other sporadically. Then things changed and he began to isolate himself and cancel plans with me. I understood and gave him his space until he started being busy every weekend. Then I talked with him and said it was time to give him some room to process his son's death, that was in February. We maintained contact by texts only and a few weeks ago he agreed to dinner with me, my suggestion. All was fine until he cancelled twice, and I finally got annoyed, telling him that he needed to treat me like I matter in his life. He apologized and offered to reschedule but I haven't heard from him since, that was two weeks ago. I miss him, but feel that he needs this time so badly to learn how to live life without his son. And I cannot imagine the horrific grief he must be going through. Stay busy, focus on your life and answer him if you hear from him. Don't call and text, take it from my experience, I tried that, and it backfired. The only thing that seemed to work with mine was giving him room and letting him reach out. Unfortunately I don't know how to handle my own situation either right now. I was making progress and getting him to open up to me, but grief that is that deep has such a heavy toll on someone.

Hello all, Thank you for the nice comments today about my contact with Matt. We've conversed a couple of times today by facebook messages. He did say that he's been crying a lot down there, he and his son had a contract down there that they used to work on together. I am grateful he is reaching out to me. Beautiful snow photo ChinUp, I love that! I'm so used to living alone and doing my own yardwork, household stuff. I am lazy though I hire a landscape company to do the grass, I work long hours sometimes and it's hard to keep up with it. This is my 16th year living on my own, I've been very cautious with letting anyone move in with me after bad experiences when my kids were younger. I'm not against living together with someone though and will know when the time is right.

My morning started off wonderful. I've been making my facebook time very limited, every other day or so, and keeping busy. I had a message indication and some other notifications, and I love how facebook now sends you a email to let you know that "my friends miss you" ha ha ha.... I went on this morning and checked my messages and it was from Matt. He is down in New Orleans and was at a club last night, one of the performers sang his son's favorite song for him. He sent me a video clip of it. I cried the whole way through it and replied back thanking him for sending it to me and that it brought me to tears. I was so happy he thought of me, and so happy to be part of something so special to him. What a wonderful way to start my day! One step at a time......

Wow KayC.....gorgeous dog!

Adorable! ❤️ You have a wonderful night as well!

Yeah KayC......I keep having to remind myself that it isn't about me, but I get my days where I start to go over the chain of events. Today was one of those down days, and I got tearful on the way home from work. I last got a text from him Friday, and there was no indication of getting together. I've learned to keep my answers simple and short. Sorry for what you went through ChinUp, we all need to keep cheerleading eachother to not backslide and let our emotions get the best of us.

Thank you for your reply Chin-up, may I ask what your circumstances were, what happened to cause the separation? I agree with not wanting to open ourselves for rejection. A coworker told me again today to contact Matt. I did call him a couple of weeks ago and left a nice message saying I was concerned and missed talking to him. Two days later I get a text and he says "he is doing somewhat better and work is awful.". I took that as opportunity to converse and he said "he would talk to me soon". It is no wonder we don't want to intiate anything. ?

It's kind of the same with Matt and I. Hes in construction and goes out of town a lot. So it's nothing for us to be separated for 2 months at a time. It's hard but we have to give them their space if they want and need it but still live our lives. Giving less has always sparked more with Matt.

KayC, Years ago after my Grandma died, the man that I dated with aspergers gave me a lecture in front of our friends. I was crying over her death, and he told me to "Stop it." He said that I was pushing it too far and he didn't know what the big deal was, and it was her time. I was floored. I also have never pushed people away after a death, I like to talk and hear other peoples perspectives. Being a hospice nurse I see many things with people, I don't however deal with post death/ grieving concerns, that goes to our social work staff.

Good morning everyone, Trust me, it's not easy for me either. I was more compatible with him in 2 months of dating than I ever was with anyone. I wasn't planning a wedding in my head, but being with him sure felt right. I miss him. And I get the strong feeling that he also misses me, but grief does change things. I don't know what will happen with him, but I do know that we all need to be a source of strength for eachother. No matter what their circumstances are, we have to feel good enough about ourselves to know we did everything we could do to support them. Hugs, Raven

Bear with me.......just some thoughts........ I'm in my 50's, successful, happy with myself, and have dated....a lot. Enough to know when to let go, and when to trust that things will work out in the best way for everyone involved in a relationship with someone. I've never had a relationship end that shouldn't for some reason or another. Matt, my boyfriend and I dated a year before his son's death, he was 22 and died in a car accident in December. We were very happy before that, and had a secure, trusting relationship. I made the choice to give my boyfriend Matt space, not he. Most of what I read here in the posts are of people that say they were let go by someone in a grief situation. I could see the signs, the gradual distance, cancelled plans, decreased contact. So, without any judgement, I told him he needed space to take care of himself and his family. He was falling apart, and just going through the motions of "living". It was not good for him or for me. He wasn't exactly happy with my suggestion, but agreed. Since then the contact has been minimal, he hasn't called since mid February, only texts. Yes, I miss him terribly, and I cry at night sometimes. But not really for me anymore. For my boyfriend, who no longer knows how to laugh and enjoy life. He's going through the motions. For his son, the loss of an amazing, intelligent young man that had so much going for him. I keep my texts limited to every 2 to 3 weeks, and I answer if he reaches out, which he has on occaision. I love him with all of my heart but also have respect for myself, I keep busy, and don't sit by the phone waiting. He's on my facebook but I am careful not to post my every move on there, and limit my time on it. If he wants to know what I am doing, he can call me. People are more likely to return to a relationship with someone that is confident and secure, carrying on with life, as opposed to someone that cannot live without them. I'm just saying, that if something ends, whether by our choice or theirs, it just isn't worth being in despair, or putting our lives on hold . Or emailing them, calling them,reminding them how wonderful we were, or trying to find closure. There may not be any, and it sets you up for no reply, which causes more pain. Know in your heart that you're worth every second of their time, and some real time apart sometimes is the spark that it takes to remind them. Or not. And if that's the case, trust me, we are all worth enough to be with someone better. Hugs to all.....Raven

KayC that's terrible about the hospice nurse! In my seven years of being one, I've never experienced any of our staff crossing the line like that. How terrible for the family who is already grieving and vulnerable to have to go through that. That would have been enough for me to fire the company and find a new one.

Doesn't make it easier though MissLoss.....and either way whoever she is, its nothing but grief driving the "attraction" to her. I miss my boyfriend too. Its hard to go from daily contact, to days and days without. Matt and I talked daily, mostly by phone, and it's been over a month already without a phone call. I honestly believe that they cannot know how much they need us unless we are out of the picture, not even a text message. And I thought that a just a text here and there, and not seeing me would be enough for him to realize he needs me. Now I know better. Stay strong, Hugs to you.....

MissLoss, KayC is so right and saying what I've known all along in my situation as well. It's about HIM. We've done nothing wrong. Grief clouds the mind, and makes people do things they normally would not do. If he is involved with his grief counselor, God forbid, that will blow up in his face. He doesn't love her, he's clinging to anyone that can give him insight to his pain. And shame on her for breaching that trust and taking advantage of his vulnerability. I have gotten asked out by many of my family members as a hospice nurse but would never breach that line of professionalism. One proposed marriage to me in the driveway after his mother died, and said his family approved. Sounds funny but I had to block him off of search on facebook as well. I have subsequently watched families fall apart during hospice care, and fights at funerals. Sad. Don't feel badly over how you reacted when you were grieving, and people in your past should understand that you were in a dark place then. If they don't, then they aren't worth keeping in your life. Stay strong, don't contact him, let him make the contact and then choose where you want to be. Love and hugs....

KayC.....your ex fiancé is an Aspie? I dated a man a few years ago that has Aspergers, and his was a pretty intense case. I ended up breaking things off, he was highly intelligent and terribly disorganized. We worked together at hospice and he constantly got disciplined for missing documentation or becoming distracted at work with other things. He was almost like a kid in a way, charming and funny but immature. I became his organizer, even going so far as to help him structure his bills, his house, and not forget appointments. I had to laugh at myself at one point, envisioning my future with this guy. I was like another mother to him. I broke his heart but I had to think of myself. I've been on my own for over 25 years and not willing to settle down until I find the right man.

Thank you MissLoss, It is easy to want to analyze why it is happening to "us". It is, but the greatest thing we can do is shift the focus back to them, and empathize with what they are going through. I'm a hospice nurse and much of my teachings regarding grief center around those that have been prepared for the end of life. Not those that have it suddenly taken away, especially a child. My boyfriend is lost without his son, knowing that he will never share those precious moments of adulthood with him. For those that know of a man that has lost a child, I read Kelly Farley's book called "Grieving Dad's to the Brink and Back", an excellent book, I cried through most of it. All stories from fathers who lost their children at young ages, the darkness in their lives, lost relationships, drinking, suicidal thoughts. It's an eye opener, heart wrenching, something that really helped me see what Matt must be going through. Ours was a great relationship before his son's death, I will choose to hold onto that, and be there for him if he reaches out to me. I know in my heart that I did everything to help support him, and I truly believe he knows that. Hugs to all, and I hope that I can contribute something here to help others as well.

I can't imagine how much pain he is in right now, I just wish I could be at his side to help him. I love him so very much.