Amiss

I miss his smile,sarcasm and wit. I miss his blue eyes, blonde hair and the way he called by my pet name. I miss him shopping, dining and sleeping with me. There is nothing I do that I don't miss him.

It's been 14 months since I held my husband when he took his last breath. He had suffered for more than 10 years with a degenerated neurological disease that took away his body in accrued and undignified manner. We approached every decline in a new and aggressive way with no success. He finally loss his ability to walk,eat, drink, and see. His depression became so overwhelming that I left my work position to stay home with him the last 15 months of his life. His mood seemed to get better and he enjoyed the fact that with me home we would have more visits with grandchildren and family.(Funny how that happened and not sure why he didn't have that before). Anyway he seemed to be turning around a little bit until he got aspiration pneumonia and then everything went downhill to the point where he never regained any weight or strength. He underwent surgery to have a port put in for fluids and food. At that point while he was under light sedation he had a revelation of how good our life had been and how he no longer wished to live the way he was. I was heartbroken. After we came home from the hospital and the overwhelming amount of hospice homecare came in, I knew in my heart it was not going to be successful. I called our family to advise them of what was happening should they wish to see him and many came to see him. It was like having a living wake until he went in an unconscious state. His beautiful blue eyes were now unable to close and in a constant state. Making him comfortable was now the only thing I could do for him. I played our favorite music, read stories and talked about our life together. I know he could still hear me as he would move a little like he was reaching for me. I would would lift him to me but was so afraid of hurting him (he weighed less than 100lbs). We held hands from morning to night and I slept in the recliner next to him. It was important that I was there when he died as his last unselfish request was that his brain be donated to John Hopkins (this is where he was seen). He wanted someone to discover a cure for his rare disease that may be passed on to our children and families. There was a short period of time that this could be achieved, so I wanted to make sure his last wish was a success. He died almost in almost 3 weeks. The worst 3 weeks of my life. I had nightmares for months reliving every moment. I was actually relieved his suffering was over but the emptiness and loneliness is overwhelming. I am sorry this so long but I really needed to tell my story to someone who can understand how it feels to lose your spouse after 40 years. It's like having half your body removed with no strength to move the other half.

I know the only thing that I learned from my sister's sudden death was that it was vitally important to leave my job when my husband became very ill to be with him and take care of him until he passed away. I was able to have a closer relationship with him for his last 16 months and to hold him on his last breath. I truly believe the loss of my sister drove me to the difficult decision of leaving my position and give my husband the undivided attention he deserved. I guess you could say there is a silver lining in every grey cloud except now my grey cloud is even darker.

I lost my sister 3 years ago very suddenly from a heart attack. It was 4th of July and I was invited to go to to her house for a picnic but begged off because I had to work early the next day and needed to get some things done. Of course she understood but I still can't forgive myself for not being with her when she collapsed. We were best friends forever and my heart is broken that we didn't get to grow old together. I too felt like the forgotten mourner as she did have adult children (no husband). I still have times when I want to pick up the phone and call her. I am grateful that she didn't suffer and no long lingering death. I gave the eulogy at her funeral because I just felt the need for people to know how much we meant to each other. I have continued with one of her favorite fund raisers in her honor. I have continued to stay close to her two sons who do give me some outlet to discuss our loss. I just feel like something is just unfinished. How do I get closure?

This too is my second year and I am feeling more confused and lonely everyday. I have wonderful kids and grandchildren who think they understand but they dont. I want to move on but feel this stress and anxiety holding me from doing all the things I would like to do. I had a professional job and took care of my husband for 10 years and considered myself organized and competent. Now I can't remember why I entered a room. I traveled, hosted parties, and organized events. All I want now is my recliner and sleep. This is irritating me but I dont know how to get my act together again. Any suggestions?

I am new to this site and already feel better knowing that others are experiencing the mind gaps. I too hope this will get back to where I was before my husband died.