Clematis

Thank you, Kay, for your wise and thoughtful comments. Looking back, it seems clear that my supervisor was never too keen on me from the beginning. He did hire me, but he didn't have a lot of choice. There was only one other applicant and the other person wanted a lot more money than the district would pay. I actually think he might be more comfortable with someone who was fresh out of school than a seasoned professional. I think he found me intimidating. I don't take things at face value, and can recognize half-truths, illogical conclusions, and things that aren't thought out rather easily. This would include most of what he says and writes. I was polite and respectful, but never obsequious, which seems to be what he wants and needs. Nevertheless, he is not really my concern or my problem at this point. I need to figure out what to do about my evaluation. I can leave it as it is, or write a response to it. I don't want to write anything to extensive or too extreme, but I feel uncomfortable about leaving it stand alone. I would like to optimize my likelihood of doing any contract work that is possible with this district - being paid per evaluation (independent contractor via 1099) in the future. I am thinking that if I write something that simply straightens out a few things without protesting too much, it would good. He won't be there much longer and they are likely to need contract work done in the future. They may not be able to fill my position and all of that work would be contract work. In the future, if there is a new special ed director, if they went to look at my file to see why I left, I would like to make a few points from my perspective as to what happened. I did high quality evaluations and my writing was excellent, but I was boxed into a double bind of either being seen as insubordinate or following directives to not adequately communicate with parents, even though following his direct orders was against my clinical judgement. I was criticized harshly in my evaluation for doing what I was told. Meanwhile, I woke up this morning and ran some calculations about what I have been making as compared to what I could be making - and was making before - as an independent contractor. If I worked two days per week at the kind of work I did before, I would make about exactly as much as my current take home plus the value of my insurance. Three days of work per week would bring me one-and-a-half of my current income. That would be good. There is also a company that does online evaluations and therapy. I could work online and not even have to drive anywhere. I saw a mug that said, "I just want to be a stay at home cat mom". Perhaps this is my future...

My mother died 11 years before my dad, and I coaxed him into moving from PA to AZ to be with me. We had ten good years together - just me and him and my cat Lena - and I was devastated when he died. I remember a really vivid dream a few months after he died...in the dream he was alive and suddenly came home from the hospital, demanding to know why I was getting rid of his stuff and what was he going to do without this and that. It was really unsettling, but it was just a dream and the way I was processing his death and handling of his affairs. I was afraid that he would die within a year of her death, as many older men do after their wife of many years dies. I spent a ton of time talking on the phone with him before he moved and then spent most of my time off work with him once he was in AZ and living in a condo less than two minutes from mine. I was really trying to keep him alive. I remember thinking for awhile that he might find another woman to be with and people used to tell me that my dad really should find a new partner as if I was supposed to facilitate that. But eventually he told me that he really had no interest in anyone else after my mother, and that relationships are more work than he was willing to devote. So we just settled into being there for each other. We became very close from spending so much time together, and that made the time sweeter but the loss deeper. I also was very isolated after his death. I had spent all of my time with him and hence had really no friends that lived near me. I have built some relationships since his death, and that is good.

I wake up feeling angry and frustrated. I tried so hard to make things work in my job - to accomplish a massive amount of serious work while figuring out the lay of the social landscape and how to be successful there. I think I totally failed at this last part. I took people to be my friends that were actually working against me, and I ended up alone because I failed to figure out what was really going on beneath the surface. Now I am wondering what I could have done differently. I am honest and straightforward, and tend to figure that others are doing the same. I have never understood this kind of thing and it trips me up every time. The whole system has a mix of people who have hidden agendas that they are working together on, and people are uninvolved. Probably most people are totally unaware of any of this, but wouldn't want to get involved if they did know. But nobody will tell me what is going on or what the game really is. How can a person accomplish a big job like the one I have been trying to do in a minefield, wondering about every step and wondering if every person I interact with might be showing a falsely friendly front while taking anything I say to my boss, who is actively working on a plan to sabotage me? Is this how it is everywhere?

It just occurred to me that I have some paid leave days that I probably need to use up before I leave. I think otherwise I will lose them. I have three medical and three personal days...perhaps I could come visit you... I have been thinking about taking a drive and going to Trader Joe's and Costco in Prescott, which is about an hour and a half away...I could make it a little farther and see you. I'm not sure how much Lena would like a road trip, but she is pretty good in the car. Do you have any cats? If so, she would probably rather skip it; she hates other cats But I would love to see you!

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words, Anne. I wish I could be more flexible about my work situation, but I unfortunately cannot live in a metropolitan area such as Tucson or the Phoenix valley. When I lived in Tucson my asthma deteriorated to the point where I qualified for asthma studies. I had to take steroids in order to breathe and to give up my beloved cats. After 15 years of no pets, allergy shots, and moving to the cleaner air of northern Arizona, I was able to finally live without all of that medication and live with Lena! This does limit me quite a bit, because northern Arizona has few communities that are spaced far apart and are small. Cost of living is high, and if I worked elsewhere I would have to either support two residences or sell my condo at a big loss. I figure there must much better places than where I am, and Litchfield Park sounds like one of them. I wish I could explore the possibilities there. Nevertheless, my best option is probably to do contract work. I would make more money in less time and not be dragged through the politics and social drama of a school district. I remember meeting you very clearly; you are such a warm and loving part of the forum community and I was delighted to be able to meet you. Since then I have thought of you often and wished that we could have another visit. Perhaps we will. I have been too flattened by the exertion of trying to hang onto my current job up here that I haven't had the energy to do much of anything that I didn't have to do. I have thought that my age is catching up with me this year and I am just not going to have the energy I had two years ago and before. That is probably erroneous thinking... The oddest thing happened. I am not sure how to describe it, but at some point, the environment around me lightened up in some psychic vibrational way. I think this was probably when my supervisor figured out a clear path on how to separate me from my job. I can't say how I knew but I felt like a shift was about to occur. I thought it might mean that he was going to leave and I was going to stay. Nevertheless, everything seemed lighter - at work and in general, and I felt more optimistic. I had been gaining weight over the school year and feeling worse as time went on. I had the second of two bouts of bronchitis, and as I was recovering from the second I suddenly lost my taste for sugar, was happy with much less food, and started losing weight. I now believe that I will lose the weight I gained toward the end of my dad's life and during the course of grieving him, recovering from that car accident, and surviving the last year at work. I haven't been weighing myself for a long time because it was too demoralizing and the fact that Lena irretrievably reprogrammed the scale to metric seemed like a good excuse to stop using the device. Nevertheless, I am suddenly losing weight and feeling better. My neighbor told me that she could tell the difference in my face, and I sure feel it.

Thanks, Marty! Yeah, I know it has been bad for my health and psychological well-being. It just seemed like such a great idea to have a shorter drive, get in some more time into the state retirement system, and to have regular health insurance. I probably would have not let go of it no matter how bad it got. I have done this before more than once - hung onto a horrible job situation until the other unhappy party (my employer) finally let go. Thanks for the support, and I hope I am like Lena. I would point out though, that like her I am generally rather vocal. There is always a lot of caterwauling/whining from her about any change she doesn't approve of and didn't ask for...

Thanks, Kay, and George too! One often has insights after a night of sleep. It seems clear that my worst fear was the reality. He told me to do three things that I really shouldn't do. Two were legally questionable if not worse, and I skirted around them. The third was telling me not to ask the parents if they understood what I was telling them. He was very emphatic about telling me that I was not to ask questions and stated that asking this kind of thing is demeaning and derogatory (to ask "Does that make sense?"). It really is necessary to find out if the parent understands the testing results and how they feel about it - especially if they have no questions or comments. At one meeting I followed this directive and he really hammered me for it, telling me that I should have asked questions and I had no ability to read body language or I would have known that they weren't really following me. He went after me on this over and over, with insulting comments in person, and more of it in my evaluation. At the last meeting where he observed me, I asked these questions of the parent in spite of the fact that he was sitting in front of me and had explicitly told me not to ask these questions. Nevertheless, he stated in my evaluation that I had not asked them at that meeting. He also complained that I was unclear on my role - that I acted as if I was a social worker and not a school psychologist, and he had reprimanded me about this several times. He really doesn't know what he is talking about but thinks this is derogatory. Being a social worker means a certain body of knowledge. Having attained training/licensure and having worked as Clinical Social Worker (psychotherapist) means that I have a high level of expertise (and habit) of asking people questions to reveal what they are not saying. He had to really go after me hard to get me to stop my knee-jerk reaction to pursue the unsaid. Social work is a field of knowledge with which a person can fill a number of roles. It is not a role at a school unless the school has a school social worker, who does something far afield from what I do - connecting students and families with community resources. I was trapped in a double bind of following his directives or risk having him go after me for being insubordinate. He had all of the cards and all of the power, keeping me deliberately in the dark. I suppose I should be glad that I didn't get pushed into doing anything illegal. It might actually be good that in not asking the parents at a single meeting I gave him something to hang me with. Had I not done so, he might have fabricated something illegal and gotten me into legal trouble or trouble with my licensing board. I think he was determined to get me out no matter what and I'm not sure he has any conscience about he had to do to achieve his goal.

I think I will be ok...I'll just have to drive further and hustle for work. Nevertheless, I feel very angry about the way this has all gone. I have been working for someone who doesn't like me, and school psychologists are notorious targets for ill will. Someone is always unhappy with what you are doing and if the special ed director doesn't have your back you are sunk. My evaluation was that I am doing a great job on the evaluations, which is essentially the job. The rest of the evaluation was negative and self-contradictory... Every negative part he wrote had some other part that directly contradicted it. Even though I know it's really crazy, it's demoralizing to get tossed out like this. I have had a bad feeling about it for some time, but there really wasn't anything I could do about it, although I certainly tried. As it turned out the only ally I really had didn't believe I was in any trouble until it was too late. Every school psychologist I have ever known has said the same kind of things; people are always complaining about the school psychologist and even people who seem to be your friends and allies may suddenly turn their back on you and complain about you. People may have totally opposite complaints about the same meeting. I have had people say I was too rigid and controlling and another person at the same meeting said I was too flexible and unstructured. The other school psychologist said the problem was that I was "just too nice", but then reportedly said that "it was always my way or the highway". My evaluation said that I was too open to input from the team and should just tell them the bottom line and allow no further discussion. Later it said that I would not listen to input from the teams at all. It's been really awful. I think probably the best thing that could be said is that this was a poor fit - for me to go back to working for a district. Almost no one ever goes back after doing contract work. When you do contract work, you are running your own business of providing services. A school or district contracts with you to provide a valuable service and they treat you like a professional. You do your work and leave. You aren't caught up in whatever weird thing they have going. Of course, someone may still decide they don't like you and drop your contract. I know a guy who runs a small charter school and he gets someone new every year for the tiny amount of work he has. I think he loves the power of it all. Nevertheless, there is always more work somewhere because there is a shortage of school psychologists. Contract work also pays better in a lot less time...as well as avoiding the politics and social drama. I miss my dad so much. I went through all of this before in 2009, except in some ways it was worse because the bottom had dropped out of everything. My house was devalued, there was very little work, and I didn't know how to find what work there was. But my dad was here with me and not only was he always available to listen, he helped me financially. Now I am in better shape financially, the economy is in better shape, and I have connections and tools to get contract work, but I am still scared. Nevertheless, I hear him talking to me through it all...

So...we had both meetings and the district is not going to renew my contract. I can either resign or have them take it to the board to decide to not renew my contract. It's never a great thing to hear - sorry, we don't want you anymore. But it's not really a surprise. Michael has made it clear that he doesn't like me and that is not really a tenable situation to continue as a work environment. Nevertheless, I mostly feel relieved. My friend Mike has commented to me more than once that It is really difficult to go back to working for a district after doing contract work. Working for a district means less income with more hours, and it involves tolerating the politics and a lot of other nonsense. I think I am too much of a worrier to cope with the gossip and trying to figure out what is going on and how it may affect me. It will probably be good for me to be out of there. There are a lot of other options and a lot of work out there.

I am committed to what I am doing, and I really love the work. It's a great way to help kids, be a detective to figure out what is impairing a student, and spend most of my time in a plant-filled sunny room listening to classical music and writing, writing, writing. Having a supervisor who is out to capsize my boat with potshots creates a toxic environment, but I hope that will get better. I have my evaluation today and Matt the principal who is a fan of my work is coming with me. It should smooth things out and offer an objective viewpoint by someone who actually works with me. Having an evaluation that is essentially a review of gossip and anonymous complaints has been really difficult. I hope it goes well. I just read my email and have a message saying the school superintendent would like to meet with me after my meeting with my boss and the human resource director. I have no idea what that is about, but it seems worrisome...

I think we have many more unstable families and many more children with serious problems like autism. Less supervision at home, less structure, more restrictions on punishments, both parents work, extended family is nowhere to be found. Many have parents, older siblings, cousins, etc. who have been incarcerated and the family is trying to be supportive, which makes that outcome less abhorrent. We also have a social environment where kids grow up watching TV and movie content that features kids as the clever heroes and adults as morons. Parents are suing school districts, even when their own child is the one causing problems. And you have many kids whose goal is to be thrown out of school so they can go home for the day or permanently, where there is no supervision and they can watch TV and play video games all day. It really ties up the schools without many options. Sometimes it helps to call the police, but sometimes that backfires as well. Kids who have good support and/or who do well in school still do fine, but the kids who don't do well in school and have all of those other factors are on a career path headed for a life of very limited choices at best. I see it as a direct route to prison for a lot of them. I became a school psychologist after working at a state prison and coming to the conclusion that the vast majority of inmates were there because they didn't do well in school and they didn't have families who could support a kid who wasn't doing well; they were also subject to all of these other social factors. If kids have learning disabilities or other struggles in school have supportive parents who are on top of things, they manage to find themselves a reasonable path in life. But struggling kids whose parents are unable to support them and advocate for them - they are headed for serious trouble and it is really hard to help these kids because their families move so frequently it is hard to even evaluate them to find out if they qualify for services. I have had three kids in just the last three months who have been bounced from one school district to another, while a paper trail followed them of people trying to help them but being unable to finish the evaluation. I bent over backwards and may have bent a few other things as well to get their processes complete so that they had a legal IEP that would follow them wherever they go. I have chased parents all over to get them to sign the papers so it was a completed process, tracked them down, and coached them on what to do and why...such as telling them that if they suddenly had to move again to not withdraw their child until the date the evaluation was done and signed, like the next week. Even if the child had gone to live with someone else, to not withdraw them or re-enroll them elsewhere because the evaluation and IEP would be good if they just stayed enrolled that long. If they enrolled elsewhere before we could finish the process, the new district would have to start over and it would probably take at least a few months, if they even did it. A lot of kids go through their entire school lives like this. I wish I could figure out how to help more of them... But meanwhile, I'll try to not be a casualty of the violence.

Yeah...I think this is going on all over. The schools don't do much about it, because if they expelled these kids or put them on long-term suspension, the district would be obliged to pick up the tab for a really expensive private school. They just don't have the money. Nevertheless, I think it is really important to report every single one of these incidents. It is an administrative issue and should be handled at the top level, by the superintendent and the school board, with the consultation of the attorney, because it is their responsibility to assure that the school is a safe environment for students and staff. They can't take action if they don't have information. I realize that they may still not take action, but if they have the information they may, and at least I have done my part. Some of these kids may not end up in expensive schools - they may eventually end up in the corrections systems. For me, I need to look out for myself. I have a good friend who is a psychiatrist and after this happened, she told me that when she was school, they were taught to never get within what could be arm's reach of a person who is agitated...pacing, ranting & raving, screaming, and so on. She also told me that I should never turn my back on any classroom. She is probably right... As to these kids' future being damaged, if they are doing this kind of thing in elementary school because they have Autism or some other really significant issue, their future is already on course in a suboptimal direction. I don't think these kids are going to be prevented from becoming brain surgeons or getting into ivy league colleges because their frequent assaults on peers and staff are reported and recorded on their permanent school records. I also believe that the police should be contacted for these kids after behavior that would result in police contact for a typical peer. The schools don't agree with me, but I keep voicing my opinions and encouraging others with more contact with these students that I to do the same... I figure that a minimum if things are reported, at least there will be a paper trail of priors if/when something more serious happens.

I have a stiff neck from it, but it was a mild injury. The other person, a special ed teacher, was more seriously injured, partly because she had neck surgery about two months previously due to being kicked in the head by another student (he was lying on the floor and I think she was bending over him). We both went to the E.R., and both incidents were reported to the principal, who entered it into the computer system, attached to the student's name. The principal really agonized over this and consulted with the superintendent, who reversed a decision my boss the special ed director had made before spring break to remove the only male staff from the room - a teacher's aide or paraprofessional - from the room, at the request/demand of another parent. This was a really dumb move on the part of the SpEd director, to remove someone who was really a stabilizing force and swap him out with someone these high need kids did not know at all. I think it is really typical of this sped director to make an impulsive and rash move like swapping the staff around. He just doesn't think things through and the results can be awful. So he left the country for two weeks - spring break and the week afterwards - and his actions resulted in two staff in two days going to the E.R., while his supervisor and the principal (a peer at the supervisory level) had to correct it while he was gone. I hope someone is paying attention to his incompetence.

Lena is one swell cat, and really keeps me company. We both miss my dad every day, even though we sense and hear his spirit nearby. It's not the same. She is especially good if I am sick or upset or something. Not if I am cranky or irritable but something worse... Today at one of the schools where I work, I was sitting in a classroom with my back to the room talking to a teacher and a student came up from behind me and hit me very hard on the side of the head, grabbing my flower hair clip and a handful of my hair, trying to wrest it loose from my head. He is only ten but very strong and has a long history of hitting adults and classmates, hitting them very hard, and yanking their hair out. He is in a classroom where they have combined the most violent and the most vulnerable students in the school in a room with a SpEd teacher who is about 70. He hit her on the top of her head yesterday, and she was obviously suffering from this today. I went through the work-injury process and the triage nurse directed me to go to the E.R.; on my way I stopped by the classroom and encouraged the teacher to do the same, which she did. I also urged one of the aides to follow through with the incident report process for both incidents so that it is at least on his record. Not that anyone was happy to see me injured exactly, but several commented that it was good that he "went after the school psychologist" because maybe I can do something about this kid. They have a deluded sense of my position there; I may have a fancy title, but am not exactly in a powerful position. They have several really disturbed kids who should not be in a public school setting where there is so much potential to injure staff and students, but if they expelled kids with IEP's the district would be "on the hook" to pay for a very expensive residential school. The way I see is that for a kid like this one, their real alternatives are to pay now or to wait until there is a lawsuit and then pay for it along with the costs of a lawsuit. Here Lena is helping me relax by joining me in looking through a library book called "Cats in Art".

Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you and your fur babies! Lena refused to wear this hat for a second, even clipped to her collar down her back, but she did agree to pose with it...

I hear my dad talking to me...this has been going on since he died. I never see him, but frequently hear little comments, generally some practical advice about vehicle care or something like that. It is almost always generated by him, except the time I asked him repeatedly for the combination to the keyless entry pad on his car. I was sure he could somehow tell me the numbers, but no. Eventually, I got my answer in a dream. During and after the dream I was sure it was an answer, but there were no numbers, just him showing me some little book and pointing with intensity. It took me an hour or so to figure out that he was telling me to look in the owner's manual, and there it was. But generally it is unsolicited; he doesn't directly answer questions. Sometimes I have not understood what he meant by something and realized I had missed some reference that I felt sure he thought was hysterical - some double-entendre or reference to something really old. I have heard him several times comment that he was out on the rear deck (generally with one of my grandfathers or his grandfather), while I was out driving in the country. I had the feeling that he was saying they were lounging on the trunk admiring the scenery passing by. When I eventually looked this up, I found that this term was used in early automotive history for the lid of the trunk. I think he thought it was funny because I named his '93 Mercury Grand Prix "Bob the Tuna Boat", after hearing someone here say those cars drove like tuna boats. It would be common usage to refer to the rear deck of a boat. It seems like he is pairing up the tuna boat part from me (since he died) with a word he picked up hanging around with his grandfather or one of my grandfathers (maybe after he died). Since my dad died I have felt really cut off from my own and my entire family's history. He was my last like to his generation and those before. I treasure the old family things I have - especially from these four men - father, grandfathers, and his grandfather with whom he lived when he was small. Some times I feel really cut adrift from my family and all of our history and ancestry. But then again, I really feel like the four of them are frequently with me, like guardian angels, keeping watch and advising at times. I am not sure what to make of some of this because my great-grandfather died before I was born, and my grandfathers both died when I was little. The older three seemed to establish contact when I started using or wearing something - like a pocket watch or a wood-carving knife - that they had used very habitually and treasured. It is an odd feeling, and sometimes it gives me the feeling that I am partly on the earth and partly with them.

Thanks for the well wishes. I am really still recovering from having had bronchitis in January and then a separate episode six weeks later. I think it was hard on me being at work for a week when I was still in fact ill, and this episode seems to be harder to recover from than the last. I am sleeping late and very lethargic. Perhaps that is what I need to do, but it seems like a waste of spring break to not be busy doing creative things. I love the clock! And I am so happy to hear that you have this lovely clock instead of a neon blinking item. I believe that clocks have a kind of essence, like a spirit or some energy, some in particular. This school year has been so difficult and in a large part I have coped with it by focusing on, making, and collecting clocks. There is a constant pitter-patter of tick-ticking at my house now; it is soothing company and helps me to sleep soundly at night. I think it is a kind of "pink noise". I also enjoy seeking them out at thrift stores. Some people have a drink after work to unwind or to celebrate, but I go to thrift shops and look for clocks. It costs about the same, and the clock sticks around, as the drinks do not.

I set up these two little clocks that I made in ceramics last semester to photograph them in the good light atop Lena's cat tree, and look who jumped up to be in the photo. Hey-don't forget me - I'm the muse!

Sorry to hear about the UTI - hope it can be cleared up quickly. I'm afraid you're right about the narcissists, and there just is no easy fix. Everyone I know who currently or has ever worked in the schools says the same thing more or less, that they are very dysfunctional systems - much more so that businesses, who can't afford to waste so much time on so much nonsense. Non-profit orgs also tend to forget they have any bottom line and can be insane environments. Unfortunately, once my current boss focused on me, I think he found me quite threatening, and I doubt he will forget that, no matter what I do. Truthfully, all I can really do is to make him look good, because quality staff makes a department look good, along with its department head. He is making a lot of mistakes and doesn't have the sense to cover them up, so his peer administrators can see them. I know that has not gone unnoticed, and it's hard to believe that there have been no repercussions. He has also pulled a key staff member off her job almost entirely so that she can support him. The bulk of her job has been shuffled down to a group of people - including me - who do not manage all of that nearly as efficiently as she had handled it for twenty years.The admin must have had some reaction, because some of his blunders had the potential to put the entire district in legal jeopardy. I can only hope that he is finding things stressful enough to retire. He is very close to it and almost bailed after last year. At most, by his statements, he is only likely to last another year, if that. I think it is likely that his craziness and incompetence has caused him enough discomfort when reflected to him by his peer administrators that he would rather be elsewhere. He is about to be off work and out of the country for two weeks; perhaps his wife can convince him that it's not worth it to continue in his current situation. In any case, he has for the most part been called off of harassing me so that I can get my work done for the rest of the year. Either the district will continue to employ me, and I will probably have an easier time of it next year because people will know me and hence I'll have more support. Or, they will not renew my employment contract for next year and I will go back to doing contract work wherever I find it and I'll make more money in less time with less stress, but have to find my own health insurance and have a longer drive. Being forced out of the district would also cost me my goal of getting in a few more years in the retirement system, which would increase my retirement income. I had a job once where I had similar problems when I was brand-new. as a P.O. at Juvenile Court. Several people were threatened by my experience and education, and made false accusations about me to my supervisor's supervisor, Mr. B, and I almost lost my job. Mr. B listened to my story about what had occurred, which was 95% fabricated and 5% truth (but no fault in the true part), and decided to take a chance that I might be telling the truth and put me on "double probation" for six months - one false move and I would be out the door. Six months later, I asked Mr. B about my "double probation" and he had forgotten all about it. Also, the lawyers and judges thought I was terrific because they loved my writing - nothing fancy, but well-documented, accurate, and well-organized. A year later I was off to a much better job making 30% more money. Nevertheless, I learned just how vulnerable one can be in a new job.

I hope you are getting better. I am mostly better now, but am still coughing and everything tastes weird - like maybe it's not really food. The only thing that really tastes right is Schwan's chicken and rice soup. Good thing I have a stock of it, and more at my office - I just have to go over and get it...

Thanks! It was a really difficult week, right before spring break. It felt like just about every staff was ill and/or hanging by a thread. One of these meetings was the one where the boss insisted that I accept a document that was not legal to accept in this way, and I had said, "well, you're the boss- if you say it's ok, it's ok" in front of a principal and the teacher who has maligned me all year. I realized after saying this that I could not sign something that wasn't legal and I had to do a lot of fancy footwork to get us all out of it. At one point I met with him and outlined a plan to get around this (without directly saying anything was wrong with his illegal plan). I thought he was trying to trap me into doing something illegal, but I think there truth is that he didn't actually realize that there was anything wrong with his take on the situation. I suggested that we accept the old documentation (even though we actually did not see it personally) because that was a correct and legal solution, and minimize the problem with the current document that we could not legally accept, while encouraging the mother to get a current document that would be accurate and legal. They all went along with my plan, because it really was the only option, but it was only after meeting with him and having him chastise me with statements like, "You are so negative and critical. All you ever do is say that everything every one else is wrong wrong wrong." After all that, my boss decided this would be one of the meetings where he would formally observe me conduct a meeting. It all went well because of my steps in advance, even though I could barely speak audibly. I found an interesting video on youtube about how to deal with people like him under "Manipulating the narcissist" , by appealing to his vanity with flattery. I think this is what I have been missing. The people who he really likes are obsequious and marginally competent, and they figured out how to flatter themselves into his good graces and stay there, while I was being straightforward, honest, and competent. I suppose they figured out this is what to do because it is what they like. Truthfully, I was doing the same thing, figuring that I should treat him like I wanted to be treated. I always want to be treated with open honesty and mutual respect, and hate false flattery or any other lies. Since false flattery from me is likely to come off as sarcasm, I think I need to do what you do with out-of-control badly behaved children - "Catch em being good" and give them praise and attention for than. My fear of him has probably fanned the fires. I also realized what was behind his comments about my being so negative and critical; he was mirroring back at me what he was doing himself. I am starting to think that my "Improvement Plan" was just something that he decided to slap me with one day when he was really annoyed at me. He has a tendency to be very impulsive and not think things through. Coming up with an unreasonable "Improvement Plan" that was comprised of third-party interpretations, and vague commands to do things that were impossible, unreasonable, and illegal and then making sure that the other administrators saw it was probably not a good plan, because they have all written real ones that were done correctly. It might also not have looked good for him to be yelling at me in weekly meetings of 60-90 minutes in an old building where people can hear through the walls, directly beneath the offices of the upper administration offices, and then the human resource director got involved and his weekly sessions abruptly ended. Of course I have no way to really know what has happened or what will happen next. I wish he would just vaporize... But anyway, now it is spring break and I am making little cat clocks out of clay at home...

I feel relieved about all of that. Unfortunately, two days after the extreme pressure let up I became ill with bronchitis...a frequent visitor for me. Something called the "let-down" effect after extreme stress...I was in bed all day Sunday and lounging around sick at home today. I'm going back to work tomorrow...the third day of antibiotics. I'm not really ready but it will be a big problem if I miss the meetings I am supposed to do this week.

Much more promising. He can't just beat me up and toss me in the gutter. If he moves to not renew my contract, he will have to answer to "the big dogs" as to why, and I don't think they'll go for "I don't like her". He'll have to answer for it. I think he is already having to answer for it, because I have not kept it private. I have learned from personal and professional experience that when a person is being abused and they keep it closeted, it only gets worse. When it is thrown out into the light, there may be a lot of fireworks, but things will definitely change in some way, and there it generally some validation along with the gift of having been courageous and true to oneself in the face of adversity.

Things have improved dramatically! I had a chat with Matt, the principal who really likes me and has known me for 12 years. He listened with concern to all that I had to say and had a very encouraging responses. As to my being subtle but putting in plain view the thing about the extra meetings that there was no time for, would annoy everyone, and might be a legal problem, he (and the other principals) had gotten the message loud and clear. The OHI thing - he said he was the one who got the message and he was sorry that he didn't just come to me rather than Michael, who stomped around and made a mess of it. Matt said he didn't think it would be a problem, but if it was, we would all hang together because all three of us heard Michael say this crazy thing. Also, I had a plan to get around it altogether and he agreed to help with this. That would also leave Michael out of that altogether. As to trying to get me in trouble, he said he had never known Michael to be vindictive, but he has only known him for 1-1/2 years and doesn't know that he really "went after" Amy last year. He did say that he didn't know why Amy sort of disappeared during the last half of last year. I figure it was probably related to Michael harassing her, but I left that one alone. Also Matt told me that he thought well of me and that Mr. King, the superintendent had a master plan for the administration moving into the future, and that plan included me as part of the administration. He also pointed out that he (Matt) is the principal of the largest school and he is on a 10-year contract, while Michael is on a one year contract. He has also made it clear that he will not be with the district for very long. Sounds kind of like big fish-small fish thing with him and Michael. It also sounded like there was probably some awareness of this as a problem, as evidenced by Becky the HR director sitting in on my last meeting with Michael, my having talked to her on the phone afterwards about how much better it had been with her there because the sessions alone with Michael had been so awful with him yelling at me and saying demeaning things, that I had been having trouble sleeping, functioning, or focusing on my work because it was so upsetting. That is probably why the meetings were terminated. I also had a conversation with the principal of another school where I had used my clinical skills to the hilt to keep a justifiably irate parent and a speech pathologist (SLP) from killing each other over something that happened earlier that had little to do with the meeting at hand. It was like doing marital therapy, where both parties are at each other's throats. I tried very hard to align myself with the parent, while protecting the SLP and keeping the meeting moving in the right direction. The SLP had thanked me right after the meeting, and again the next day, telling me that she was still shaking from it (she is brand new). The principal stopped me today when I was at her school and thanked me for handling this difficult situation as well as I had, saying how well I had done and how much she appreciated it. Nice to hear, and it seems likely that she will have good things to say about me when Michael asks her for input as a part of my evaluation. Matt also said that when someone has their evaluation, often someone else sits in, and I was asking him if he could do so for me. He said he absolutely would do this and thought it was a good idea, and he would try to seek it into a conversation with Michael. He also told me that I shouldn't lose sleep over any of it.

I know! He is trying to get me to things that are illegal...and right out in the open. If a student qualifies as OHI (Health Impairment Other than orthopedic, they must have a med cert (medical certification) that the student has a medical problem that would impair their learning. The biggest one is ADHD. So the girl's mother took her to the doctor; she was supposed to come back with a med cert that said she had ADHD. The mother came back with a med cert that said the girl had a learning disability, with a note at the bottom that said recommended that the school evaluate her to see if she has ADHD and learning disabilities. As far as the law goes, only a medical doctor can diagnose a medical problem. Michael slapped this paper down in front of me and asked me if it was OK. I didn't answer immediately and he yelled it at me again. I said, "Is it our form? Yes! Does it have the right information on it? No!" He asked me if I thought that was ok and I asked him if HE thought it was ok. He said yes, that we should accept it. I told him that if he was going to accept it, well he is the boss. So now he is insisting that the whole team at the school do something that is against the state law. Cindy, the teacher on the team, goes straight to Michael about everything. Matt, the principal, seems to genuinely trust, like, and respect me. I guess I should talk to Matt. And bring him the legal statute...It seems pretty clear to me... The determination of eligibility for special education is based on an evaluation pursuant to the IDEA, A.R.S. §15-766, and the following requirements:  The student has a health impairment that limits his/her strength, vitality, or alertness (including a heightened alertness to environmental stimuli that results in limited alertness with respect to the educational environment) that is due to chronic or acute health problems including but not limited to asthma, attention deficit disorder, diabetes, epilepsy, or heart conditions. The health impairment adversely affects performance in the educational environment.  The health impairment has been verified by a doctor of medicine or doctor of osteopathy.