Clematis

That's what I think too - I thought maybe I should just focus on the rest of what she said. And she said some amazing things. I grew up with two parents who had difficulty saying anything good about any of us - their daughters, it was demoralizing and now it looks crazy. They had three girls who were all smart, adorable, talented at many things, and good natured. My mother complained to me when I was in about the 10th grade that her life was pretty miserable because everywhere she went people were always bragging about their kids and she could never think of anything good to say about any of us. She thought I should be sympathetic with how awful this was for her. Crazy, huh? My dad obviously got better at this toward the end of his life, and it was SO curative for me to hear it from him. He was never effusive, but would tear up and say to me, "I think you've been wonderful". When I would talk to him about struggles and problems with people and worrying about people being unhappy with me, he would tear up and say, "Well, I think you're wonderful". That's about all the words that were ever there, but it was so much more than I had ever gotten before, and more than my sisters ever got from either parent. People used to see me and my dad and always had comments that I thought were unreasonably rosy. I thought people idealized the relationship that my dad and I seemed to have for whatever personal reasons they had to do that. Maybe they were more right than I thought. So now I realize that there is this couple-Jack and Francine- at the Elks Club that were friends of my dad and apparently he had a lot to say to them about me. And they knew him for most of the ten years he lived in AZ... Francine told me that he would go on and on about me and what I was doing and learning and planning and so on - that he was so proud of me. It is really remarkable to hear. In the middle of this she said something and I told her that when he was out here in AZ with me there had been absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him. She got kind of teary and told me that he knew that very well. I feel like I have found a treasure there at the Elks Club in Jack and Francine. It's really another connection to him. There may well be more that as well, because a lot of those people at the Elks knew my dad, and I don't know how well or who really. But last Thursday they had a meeting during which they voted on new members, including me. I knew this was upcoming and I wanted to make sure that they connected me to my dad so I had some pictures printed up of him and took them to the Pres. to take to that meeting. I am hoping that more of them - people I don't really know - put it together and come up to me and talk to me about my dad. I am crying as I write this. The grief doesn't really end, but neither do the connections.

I went to the Elks Club tonight with my new friend Gloria. I am joining the Elks Club, following after my father. Gloria left kind of early and I had a really interesting conversation with a woman I know there; she and her husband became good friends of my dad - probably more than anyone else he met out here in Sedona. She had a lot of really interesting things to say. The only thing I didn't like was that she told me that at some point I would have to "let go" of him, or I would prevent him from following his path because he would stay with me as long as I needed him. I'm supposed to stop needing him? How would that work? But she said some other things...we talked about my feeling like I have made contact with my dad's father, who died when I was so young. That is such a great feeling. I am sitting here with this corner cupboard that he bought for my grandmother and feel close to him as well as my dad. I was telling her about how when my dad died it seemed like his father came to get him and Daddy was talking about how his father was there in the room with us, and when I got him to leave a message on Suzanne's phone he told her we were going on a journey (he and I). He thought I was going with him. This woman said she thought it seemed like he was more gone than still there. I think she's right. I have felt like I should have been there somehow for his last breath, but I was there for his last meaningful moments and he never spoke again after I left. He was really going out... The other thing this woman talked to me about was about how he talked about his life, about his feelings about helping my sisters, whom he helped but they never seemed to really appreciate it. He never said anything about that to me, but I guess that wouldn't have been right. But she said that what he talked about most was me, what I was learning and doing and how proud he was of me. All the fun things we did together. I told her that this was the best ten years of my life and she said she thought it may have been the same for him. I know he missed my mother, and he also missed the other people of his younger life. But during his last decade he was free of a lot of the struggles he faced most of his life...making a living, trying to keep a woman happy who was never happy, my sisters who really didn't want him around. I think all that was hard for him in ways I never understood because I didn't really get to know him until he moved out here "to be family for" me. Once here, he was comfortable on his retirement income, keeping his life and affairs going was simple, and he and I had a rather straightforward relationship. We each cared about the other and did whatever we could to be for the other. We had some problems but they were minor glitches and all of them were worked out in about twenty minutes or less. It's weird how people say that things are "just stuff", but from going through the things that belonged to all of them, I have come to so much more of a deeper understanding of my father, my mother, their parents, and the others who are gone than I ever did when they were alive.

Yeah, I grew up listening to my dad play the music that he and his dad grew up with. Every now and then someone will make some comment about how being familiar with this or that kind of music dates me and I always ask what that even means when you consider that I grew up listening to popular music from about 1900 on and several centuries of classical music. I wish I had been able to remember Shucks playing ragtime music, but I love having his banjo!

I had something really interesting happen tonight. I was up in Flagstaff tonight playing the cello at a rehearsal of Just Desserts, the contra dance band I have been playing with for about ten years. We started playing a tune called Pig Ankle Rag, which is a rag and a really cool tune. I suddenly thought of my dad's father. They called him Shucks, a nickname for Charles. I didn't really remember him since he died before I was three, but I remember my dad telling me that Shucks was really taken with me. Most of the relatives were charmed by my older sister with her golden ringlets. I was serious and dark. But Apparently Shucks thought I was the one. I used to wish he had lived longer, but he didn't. He was a brilliant engineer with a fiery temper - they called him "Shouting' Charlie" at work, and my dad said it was kind of good for him because after growing up with that, it never unnerved him just because someone was yelling their head off. But Shucks loved music, and it was his banjo that my sister had such a fit about because it went to me and not her. But the music that Shucks really loved and played on that banjo was ragtime. He also took up piano toward the end of his life, So, there I was playing this rag with my band and suddenly I could feel Shucks with me - and my dad as well. Shucks was trying to get me to do something different with the rhythm on the piece - to emphasize a different part of the rhythm. I didn't really feel like I got it - what he was trying to show me, but it was really cool that he was trying to show me something that was important to him. I won't be able to go play with those folks for another two weeks, but I think I'll maybe listen to some ragtime and see where that leads. The evening that my dad died, as I was getting ready to leave, my dad told me that his dad was there in the room with us. I asked my dad where was his dad and he said, "I don't know - it was you who told me he was here!" I think maybe we were -and are- more linked than I thought...

I wish my dad was here. I used to tell him about all these weird squirrelly things that would go on with these people that I'd run into working in the schools and he would just listen. He was always sympathetic. He said he never had to deal with anything like that in his career. He worked hard and sometimes he was overloaded and had to work really hard but he didn't have people trying to undermine him and playing games. People did their jobs and were involved in serious business. I used to hope that my dad would live until I retired and we could be retired together. We were hoping that he had at least another five years. I miss him every day. I am driving his old car around and wearing his old pocket watch that his dad gave him around my neck like a good luck charm...but it's not him...

So...I didn't get my head cut off, but Michael was rather irritated with me. He came up with some mumbo jumbo about trust, but I think he was insulted that I would think she needed a license and didn't have one. He thinks she doesn't need one. I think he is mistaken and has not looked at the law since it was written a decade ago. I don't think he looked into it after this piece of info was passed along to him and I think he's wrong. The board was very clear in stating that she needed a license for the kind of work she is doing and not just if her title matches exactly. But I did due diligence in passing along the info. What he does with it is not my problem. He also thought I was just "going after her" in retaliation because she had been so nasty to me. I explained to him that I had just stumbled across this piece of information while looking for something else that was actually related to my job. Also, I think this means that he really doesn't know what happens when you call these boards. If you don't file a complaint, nothing happens. That's why they try so hard to get people to file complaints - without it they can't really do anything. Maybe for medicine, but certainly not behavioral health in AZ. For all the harm that comes to the person with no license, you might as well call Santa and tell him she has been a bad girl and should get coal in her stocking. Nevertheless, the talk did clear the air, he acknowledged that he is well aware that she is "high maintenance" and there are problems surrounding her. More than he knows, in truth. But that is not really my problem. He has cleared her away from me so that I can focus on my job and get my work done. I also brought a copy of my color-coded spreadsheet along with me that has al the details of every case I am working on, along with dates of when everything is due. He could see that I am right on top of things. This is good. I have a lot of work to do and I can just focus on that without being ambushed and undermined around every corner.

Yeah, I think this is the reason that she doesn't know how to behave like a professional and she acts like a person who feels inadequate and has to defend herself from any challenge. I feel that any person has some obligation to protect their employer from liability and financial damages. Even as an individual out and about in the world, one has some obligation to mitigate the damages of problems in their surroundings. You don't have to risk your life, but there is some expectation that a reasonable person would try to stop a shopping cart rolling towards a car or unsuspecting person, warn a person of impending danger, etc. As to the school, it is not my place to decide what to do or to do anything; I merely provided them with a piece of information they might need to avoid legal and financial problems. I suspect that she had no idea she needed to have a license to work as a behavioral analyst in AZ, and the SpEd director and superintendent who hired her so enthusiastically probably had no idea they were forming an illegal contract. That's not my fault, or my problem. Apparently it is against the law to "Aid and abet an unlicensed person purport to be a licensed behavioral health practitioner." That is a problem for the district in having hired her and if I help her it is against my professional ethics as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and unprofessional behavior means illegal behavior. It's kind of a problem for everyone. I hope I don't get my head cut off.

More info...turns out Becca is required to be licensed by the state board in order to this kind of work, and she is not. Working as she is constitutes a Class 2 Misdemeanor. I think this is why she has been so defensive and focused on discrediting me. It's entirely possible that she does not even know that she is required to have a license, and is only aware that she is not totally competent to do what she is doing... I have been informed that I need to report this to the SpEd director, as it constitutes a liability to the district to have engaged in a contract that violates the law. We'll see what happens

I woke up with a new insight on this today. Last year Becca confronted me once in an attempt to undermine me but she really went after A, the psych who left, over and over. I don't know what happened with A, but I smoothly answered her ridiculous questions. I could not totally cover up for her and she looked like she didn't know the basic stuff for a SpEd teacher. She was not able to knock me off course and she stopped trying. Now she is a contracted behavior consultant, and while she has some experience as a SpEd teacher and knows a lot about autism, I suspect that she does not have any experience in this capacity because what she is producing is incomplete; her recommendations are connected to her observations by any thread of research, experience, or even theoretical underpinnings. She just says "Do this", with no explanation. She has avoided letting me see her work and when she does share things in emails it is too sketchy for me to tell what she is doing. I once talked my way into a job for which I was only partially qualified. I managed to get myself hired as a tailor at a dry cleaner, after being turned down flat at some other place. I was insulted at the suggestion that all my sewing experience had not prepared me to alter manufactured clothing. For my next tailor job interview, I figured out how to play up the repairs I had done and focus on my expertise with zippers, which had been a personal challenge. At some point previously I was called "The Zipper Doctor". So I played up my strengths, and stretched a little but didn't actually lie. I found myself in a little over my head, mostly because I had never used commercial sewing machines and try as I might I didn't even know how to thread a serger or use the heavy duty machine. I tried doing everything on the machine I was familiar with, and mercifully the guy who serviced the machined turned up not long after I started and very quickly showed me about the machines, as I paid rapt attention. I suspect that this is what is going on with Becca - that she knows a lot about how to address behavior problems in the classroom, but she doesn't really know what a behavior specialist is supposed to crank out in terms of a product, in writing or on her feet orally on the spot - classroom/meeting. This is probably why she has chosen me as her principal target. I am, without realizing it, her biggest threat because I may know more than anyone else at the district what she should be doing and producing. I think it is quite possible that she fears I may expose her inadequacies. I talked to my good friend Susan yesterday, a psychiatrist and psychoanalytic psychotherapist, and she sympathized with me because she has had many clients with this same presentation. She told me to not get into anything Becca had done because that only looks like I am perpetuating adversity and conflict by proving that I am right. I can't win even though I am right. She agreed with me that Becca probably is just acting automatically-not maliciously- and is not even aware of how vexing it would be to a coworker whom she is maligning to the boss. Susan also advised me to do anything humanly possible to kind and try to help Becca because it could save my own job, which I need. I think Susan is right and I need to find a way to help Becca. I think she knows her stuff - the behavioral part - but she doesn't know what or how to present her findings and she is very challenged in working with people who are at her own level, like me and the teachers. I'm not sure how to go about that exactly, but if I was in fact able to help her, it might save Becca as well because going about things the way she is does not make her look good and may eventually result in the loss of her own contract job.

Thanks! I have a meeting with my supervisor Michael on Thursday morning - sounds like I am being called on the carpet. I really don't know what to think and it's hard to have what will amount to about two weeks to wait until this meeting. It's hard not to think about it. I can't imagine what he is going to say to me. The only thing that has really occurred - as far as I know - is that she told Michael about half a dozen small lies/ half-truths that made me look bad and cover up for her not doing what she was supposed to do. I asked her to stop doing that and she was really angry. She obviously went to Michael and told him something but it probably was not the truth. I should have known that if you confront someone about lying who lies whenever they feel threatened or cornered, that this person would just lie about the conversation you just had with them about lying. I really don't know what the correct behavior is at work when someone lies to your supervisor about you repeatedly...just let it all stand without protest? This woman really made it clear last year that she does not like school psychologists and thinks we all have no idea what we are doing. She really made A, the psych I replaced, miserable last year with her nasty attacks. She went after me once last year and I just levelly responded to what she said. Then things evened out and she seemed to be a fan of mine by the end of the year. Nevertheless, A and the other psych, J, have both told me that this woman is no fan and no friend no much how she behaved in a friendly and positive way. A and J both told me I should watch my back. J has not had a problem with this woman because she has managed to avoid her altogether. But Michael really wants her to work closely with the school psychologists and she is involved with kids I am working with at all three of my schools. It is kind of like having been ordered out onto a spider web to work within range of a spider who has made it clear she would like to munch me for lunch. J says that Michael really wants to make this work out - contracting with this woman who is serving as a behavioral consultant. Last year she was a SpEd teacher, and she knows a lot about autism. Unfortunately she sees herself as working only with the administrators and principals. She also works well with kids and paraprofessionals/aides, because they are below her and she can just tell them what to do. She does not work well with people who at her level, like other teachers or the school psychologists. I think the bottom line is that no matter what she does I have to do everything humanly possible to be super nice to her and try to help her to be successful in spite of the reality that she is trying very hard to sabotage me. You know what they say about oil and water not mixing...that is true, but they can flow nicely together because they are both liquids. This woman is neither; she is a big rock in the middle of the water and she is never going to do anything to accommodate anyone. The entire river must accommodate her and work around her and her needs... Bleh

Thanks, Kay! It's hard seeing changes to our old homes. And to me, ripping out mature beautiful plants and painting over natural brick/stone or natural wood finished seems really awful. It just seems wrong to cover up natural beauty for the sake of change or a preference in color palette in decorating. To me, as a lover of nature it seems crazy to cover up the natural and authentic, because everything goes with nature! To me, all flowers of any color go together, and they go with everything else. It is with colors that we concoct in a lab that we get into trouble. I think a lot of my problem is that the entire new color scheme of my dad's old house "doesn't go" with Sedona, where it is located. If the same grey redo had occurred in some other area and not here, where I am in love with the very dirt and its warm colors, I would think it was great, because it is well done. Or if they had worked with the natural colors of the area and totally changed it with new tile and paint and everything else I would be enthused. But as to the color scheme, shades of grey do not belong here. I am with Frank Lloyd Wright on this one... Nevertheless, the is the other aspect of the change. There has been almost two years of blurriness where my dad was his house was still there and it was kind of mine but not really. It has been hard to let go of his house, but I have. He is here with me, spiritually, and what is left of our possessions is all together in my condo with me and Lena. It feels somewhere between cozy and a little cramped. I am still adjusting to living with generations of the precious possessions of people who are no longer living but are somehow with me. I hope the new owners look after the rosebushes-especially that coral floribunda, but that is beyond my control. However, I did work hard to have cuttings of this fabulous bush propagated into eight new bushes and some of them are not looking too good after the summer. I should maybe feed them. Since they are in pots, I could also take them to the nursery that propagated them for me and get them to help me with whatever might be the problem. Focusing on the roses would give me something positive to focus on, rather than the loss I feel every day and my fretting over the borderline personality disordered woman at work who is working very hard to convince my new supervisor that I am the devil. I think that situation will eventually take care of itself, because as she continues to wreck havoc all over the district it will be harder for her to convince anyone that I am the only problem she faces. She causes a lot of problems and her ability to work out problems with people is rather minimal. I sure miss my dad; he was always on my side in things like this and it helped my confidence and tendency to worry...

I also believe that they are there waiting for us. I also wonder if maybe the pets we have who are still alive may be in some contact with those who have passed. I had a dream in which my cat Lena bolted off into the night, only to return with Freya, a cat who I had lost many years before and also Bugger, a beloved and long lost cat of my close friend. It was a dream, but it felt so right...Maybe Lena and Freya are linked to each other through me. I believe we are all linked, but particularly to those we love, not just now but forever. I lost my dad - well didn't exactly lose him, but he died almost two years ago. We were very close - during his last ten years it was just the two of us and then the three of us - Daddy, Lena and me. I miss him so much, but I hear him talking to me frequently. Sometimes it is something familiar, sometimes practical advice or comforting words about some current problem, and sometimes he says something really funny or just out of the blue. This morning I was really feeling his loss and was sort of chatting with him, and he said something about it not being so bad in his current state because he could still be with me, but also spend time with my mother (12 years gone), his grandparents (really long gone), and the pets from his childhood. He talked about these pets a lot at the end of his life, Mike and Mack - both black dogs, and Sam, a black cat. I think he is back together with the pets from his childhood. Maybe my dad and his pets actually have found Freya. Anyway, Mary, I am so sorry about your loss of your dogs. It is really hard, and just like losing people the loss becomes more bearable but it still hurts the heart. It has been 30 years since I lost Freya. For more than 20 years I would dream that I suddenly found her and we would go running towards each other in a field of flowers like the end of a Hallmark movie with us spinning around and her in my arms. I can't believe that she is totally gone. And Lena -I am even more attached to her. But she is still alive and I am hoping that she lives as long as I do. The record holder in the Guinness book or world records lived to be 38! I think Lena can do it. I can't think about the alternative. Losing beloved pets is wrenching to the heart. -Laura

I have been on Fall Break - a week off from school - this past week. I have made good use of it, sleeping more than usual and taking care of the business of my personal life, which I have let drift as I finished handling my dad's estate and focused on my new job. I also did the artwork for this year's program cover for the community orchestra. I play cello with them. Here is the text I wrote and the painting. I have sent it to a couple of musicians in the orchestra, the woman in charge of the program and my good friend who is also Lena's back-up vet. I haven't heard anything from them yet. I hope the orchestra members and the audience like the art. I always worry about this. After all, we will ass be looking at it all season. The cover art for ONA’s 2017-18 program is from a watercolor painting by our cellist Laura Fellows. The image reflects thematic elements of some of the works we will play during the season. The overlapping of images is reminiscent of the overlapping melodies in Wagner’s Die Meistersinger Overture. Prominent in the painting is an image of Fingal’s Cave, which was Mendelssohn’s inspiration for the Hebrides Overture. This natural wonder of Scotland is formed entirely from hexagonally jointed basalt columns within a Paleocene lava flow, and is known for its magical acoustics. The basaltic pillars are as high as the roof of a cathedral. Our cover also features a Stargazer Lily to hint at the lush lyricism of Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers from the Nutcracker Suite, and the attentive cat symbolizes you, our audience, central to everything we do.

That would be good...sounds like you need someone to help you with him. I feel good having someone for Lena - and a backup!. I had a funny conversation with my friend Bonita a few months ago about her still having a key to my house even though she is no longer helping me with my dad's estate and our houses and all that. I told her she should hang onto it in case I had an emergency or something - so she could just step in and take care of Lena. She said, "Oh absolutely! That's why I've hung onto it." Then she quickly added that she would help me too, but... I laughed and told her it was quite alright if Lena was number one. And it's true really. We have entire systems to take care of humans in emergency, but our pets? We have to figure that out ourselves. The sale on my dad's house finally closed. I think I'm supposed to feel relieved but I don't really. I took my last key and the extra mailbox key down to the property manager's office to give to the new owner and we were chatting about this a bit. She said she really liked the way Cary (my friend's uncle who bought and flipped the house) had redone it. I said I didn't really like it. (This in some part because they ripped out the gorgeous tile job in the shower/tub, but I supposed it didn't really match the cool-grey new color scheme. It is very slick and cold and masculine. Whatever.) She looked surprised that anyone wouldn't like something new and with brand new appliances. I said, "Well, I just hope they...(long pause)...take care of the roses!" My dad has been talking to me a lot lately. This morning he was telling me that he was sorry that he had caused me so much trouble and work during those ten years. I told him, "What-are you kidding? I would give anything to start those ten years all over. Right now would be a good place to start. Later he told me that being dead wasn't so bad because he could still be with me but could also spend time with my mother, his grandparents, his childhood pets, and so on. He also told me to take care of myself and be careful with my money. He has also helped me with the car (the Mercury) lately, and he seems to be trying to tell me something about it, but I'm not sure what it is... I think I'll give Bob the Tuna Boat (Mercury) a bath this weekend and see if that makes it any easier for my dad to tell me if something's wrong with Bob...

I know what you mean. When I went camping at the Pickin' in the Pines festival I really struggled over finding someone to take care of Lena - and my beloved gardens - because Lena's regular sitter was in Italy. My neighbor offered and I had accepted with serious misgivings because she is 86 and rather frail, and my backyard/patio is a treacherously uneven path. I didn't want to ditch the festival, but I didn't want to imperil my neighbor, who has become a good friend as well. In fact, she has become such a good friend it is hard to believe she could just happened to move in right next to me where the hideous neighbors used to live. Fortunately, as I agonized away, I was able to get another neighbor to help out. She fell in love with Lena, I felt comfortable, and all was well. Looking back on it, I think it would have been better to skip the festival than risk Lena's well-being or my neighbor's. One's life can definitely tie one down. Any chance you could talk your son into having you for a visit during warmer weather? He lives at a higher elevation than you? I am finding myself more cautious about traveling in the winter. I used to live in Flagstaff (7000ft) and now am in Sedona (4500ft). When living there, naturally I drove all over. I used to travel up to Flagstaff from Sedona in any weather, but now I think twice and bail if I think there could be snow/ice on the roads. I suppose this is new since my dad died and I was in that car accident, but truthfully it makes sense. There was also a smaller incident of sideswiping a guardrail on the switchbacks when an oncoming driver flew around an icy curve on my side of the road. I was lucky the road was wide enough for me to slide into the rail. He just split and I was only a few weeks out from my dad's death. When I realized I could still drive the car, I just got back in and went on to the reservation. I am SO grateful that I now work at 3500 feet and it is less than a half hour away. And just like the past two weeks when I left orchestra early to avoid the long trip on the freeway (short route through the canyon closes at 9:00 all night for construction), no one has ever had a bad thing to say about my avoiding drives I felt were risky. Good luck, Kay - and stay safe!

Yeah! I love that cat. I am now on Fall Break, a week off from school. It's only Tuesday and I feel SO much better. I have been sleeping a lot, hanging out with Lena, and taking care of the business of my personal life. That's a relief. I am also working on my painting for the cover of the community orchestra program for the season. I have been feeling like I had no chance of any inspiration arriving for this painting, but it's coming together. It's going to feature Fingal's Cave, about which Mendelssohn composed the Hebrides Overture. I have never been there, but have become intrigued by the idea of this wondrous hunk of columnar basalt rising from the sea with magical acoustics of a cathedral with water running through it... The painting will also feature the cello, some lilies, and Lena as the listener.

Thanks, George! I did leave orchestra early and it was an incredible relief. Everyone was really nice and encouraged me to be safe. I was able to get to the canyon road before it closed for night-time construction, and therefore didn't have to drive the long highway route with the scary-fast trucks late at night when I am exhausted. So I got home a little after nine rather than almost 11:00... I'll check out the 5-HTP; I never heard of it.

I have always been overloaded - I have felt driven to pursue visual art and music, as well as to work. My art and music had to fit into a smaller slot due to taking care of my dad, grief and the car accident. I actually am trying to reduce my load, and would like to get back to playing more music and painting. Probably need to give up the ceramics in order to have time to paint. The work situation of being so overloaded is kind of a weird one for me - I have never been one to work excessive hours, take work home, skip lunch breaks, etc. But they got into a bad situation at my new job. The woman who has always set the meetings and kept the evaluations on schedule was tied up at the beginning of the school year and she eventually delegated these tasks to the SpEd teachers and school psychologists temporarily, but she waited way too long to delegate. Since she waited so long, there developed a logjam of work because these things all have federally set deadlines. And the SpEd teachers are all new. It's a big problem and I decided to throw myself into making sure that my evals are done on time no matter whose fault it was. This should resolve. I plan to be back to having a lunch break at the pool again - soon! I was also spending an enormous amount of time helping to train the new teachers, even though that is not my job, because there was no one else, and I figured it was a short time problem. They are starting to get the hang of things and I am backing off on the helping-the-teachers stuff. I really want to get back in the pool and get home at a decent hour. There is some truth to my being busy at work taking my mind off my grief. But I really would like to be busy during more reasonable hours so that I can get home and have time to do something..., paint, play the cello, mess around with clocks, spend more time with Lena, etc.

Thanks, Kay! I keep telling myself that my number one priority is keeping my job so that I can keep a roof over Lena's fuzzy little head. After that I figure things should fall into place. But it's hard reducing one's expectations in oneself...you know. Next semester should be easier. They won't be offering ceramics on Saturdays any more and I can't do it during the weekdays due to work. That will give me two-day weekends, and that will be good for me. We have fall break - off the seek after this one. Then Thanksgiving is coming right up and two weeks off at Christmas. I just have to pace myself. This orchestra thing is hard - our director commented last week that this is the hardest program we have ever played. I just have to get through it and figure I'll be doing a lot of "air bowing"...

I feel kind of like I am descending into some hell...as it cools off into the season that is the two year anniversary of my dad's death. The weather is getting cool, it's a couple weeks away from my best friend's dad's birthday (probably one of his last few), then my dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah with its menorah I couldn't keep together and the endless winter that was so so cold. I went to Costco in Prescott yesterday and they had put out Xmas things and I was totally thrown into reliving my trips to Prescott during my dad's last week of life and all that went around it. I felt like my chest was going to collapse from the pressure. Today I keep noticing that I am crying, and I feel very much lost. Lena has been very sweet and very much with me; somehow she gets this in a way that I don't. I have been working very hard and am exhausted every night. It seems like a good thing in a way because the days fly by. I work from 7:30 until 5:00 every day and haven't had a lunch break for six weeks. I eat lunch - just no break. I am hoping that things are going to get easier soon and I can go back to having a lunch break soon, but I'm starting to think maybe this is not good. Maybe I'm too tired. I have ceramics class all day on Saturdays and on Sunday afternoon I take Lena to work. I never really get much of a break. And then Mondays are brutal because I drive to Flagstaff after work to go to orchestra rehearsal to play music that is way over my head and I am really delirious by the time we're done and I have to take the long way home on I-17 because they are closing the road through the canyon that is shorter and I'm more comfortable with and doesn't have giant trucks that could kill me barreling through the night. I am just not a freeway driver. So I get home really late Monday night and Tuesday is my earliest day to be at work. I was thinking that maybe I should leave orchestra early tomorrow night - like 8:30 so I could get to the canyon before they close it, and then I would be home by 9:30 or earlier instead of10:45. As I write this, it seems to make some sense, but I feel like it's not really a good excuse to leave orchestra early. Maybe people would understand...and after all almost all of them live in Flagstaff and are not traveling an hour or more to get home...

Dang - that's terrible! Water noises are wonderful when they are NOT the result of the roof leaking or some natural disaster...

I think I've become a clockaholic. I know there are a lot of people who go have a drink when they feel stressed or upset or sad or like celebrating or whatever. I seem to have developed an urge to go to a thrift shop and rescue an abandoned clock and take it home. However, unlike the drink, they are still there the next day. There is something soothing in all of the little tick-tocking around the house and my office. It's a kind of soothing and I think it has helped me sleep better...like pink noise. I also think it's a grief phase, for me anyway. Is that crazy? It's just too much quiet to have silence, the radio is too much when I am really tired because I really want to have no new information, and tv totally makes me crazy. So having a few dozen clocks all over the house seems just right. Most all of them are quartz clocks and not inherently very loud individually, but all together it's a definite effect. I don't know why but it seems like the thing I need. In ceramics class I am making ceramic clock bodies to put mechanisms in...

I think you're right. It's also very time consuming, and I have so much real work to do!

Thanks, Kay - I appreciate your feedback that I'm on the right track. The other psychologist told me that she thinks the boss wants to look good by having hired Becca as a behavioral consultant. The boss is a skilled and very experienced administrator with a LOT of experience. I doubt any of this is getting by him, but it's hard to not worry when Becca is fabricating things on the fly at every turn to make me look bad and make it appear that she is doing all that she should. Of course the problem really is that she does not share her shoddy and incomplete work with me, even though he has made it clear that I am to be in the loop on everything she is doing. We had a meeting on Wed, when Becca stated that I had been in the loop on everything since the start and I had a printed page with a chain of emails that made it clear that very late in the game she had pulled me in, but with no real information, and her work on the side had totally derailed the major track the school was on with this student. I got it back on track, and her piece of work would be useful as a part of my evaluation process but she is not sharing it. The most astonishing thing about that meeting is that Becca actually said that they were not paying her enough to talk to me on the phone or explain things in email, after the boss clearly explained that we were to be in close communication. Yesterday morning first thing I wrote Becca an email with a cc to the boss, detailing the inaccuracies and omissions from the meeting the day before. I haven't heard from him, but I saw Becca later yesterday afternoon at a meeting and she seemed cheerful and happy to see me. She had not read the email. This meeting was with the principal at one of the schools where they are having a really serious classroom problem with an older teacher. It's a special-needs classroom that has a handful of kids who have really really severe behavioral problems. The teacher is old-school and kind of rigid, but loving and dedicated. Also totally overwhelmed. She also is an amazing woman with an incredible background, but she is in way over her head with this particular combination of kids and has been in the hospital with injuries from one of them. It seems like a train heading for a cliff and they are having Becca do a little work there. I didn't get what Becca was proposing or how it was at all relevant, but after a few minutes I understood what she was after, but she was proposing a gradual plan that would allow her in little bits of time here and there to "layer in" her approach over time. I thought that seemed crazy - someone could be seriously hurt in the meanwhile and there could be multiple lawsuits! So I proposed that that what they really needed was WAY MORE Becca! Let her get in there and really spend a significant amount of time to get in this classroom and work with the teacher and the aides...give her the time and all the tools to do what she needs to do. I commented that whatever they paid her would be peanuts compared to the lawsuit(s) that could be in the near future if they don't make major and immediate changes. (They are paying her at the rate of a substitute teacher). They went for it. Becca was happy because she's getting more work and the latitude to apply her skills, the principal seemed relieved to have a solid plan and not little flimsy bits, and the other people at the meeting were onboard. So either Becca will pull it off and be able to show what she can do if really given the chance, or she'll fail in a big way. If she fails, it's not my fault - I merely suggested that they really use the tool they have - Becca. If she is successful she may feel more secure and less like attacking me (maybe not), the school may avert disaster, and my boss and the principal will look good for having gotten Becca the expert in there to salvage a dangerous situation. Meanwhile, Becca will be really busy and I can focus on the rest of my job. I have plenty to do without spending all this time protecting myself from Becca! Cross your fingers for me - I'm off to the wars again!

Thanks. Sometimes spending these occasions alone...well it's kind of like the holiday just doesn't happen and there is just a void there instead. I cannot even remember Christmas last year. I have no idea. I know that I set up the Christmas tree that used to be my dad's because it is still here in my living room and there still things under it that even though opened they never left the spot. It doesn't really seem to matter. Nevertheless, I am grateful to be sharing my home with a sweet cat and happy to come home to her from the job that I am also very grateful to have. Work keeps me very busy and I am relieved to have health insurance and the other benefits. I feel I am in kind of a holding pattern. I miss my dad every day, especially when there are problems or stress at work. I could always count on him to be on my side. There is a person at my job who has borderline personality disorder and that has been difficult. She makes up stuff about me that has the intent to make me look bad to my new boss, but she is so impulsive she doesn't even take the time to come up with a reasonable story so it is pretty easy to dismantle her stories and accusations. That makes me queasy, but then after defending myself, even with calm and tact, I wonder if it looks like I would appear to be wasting time even addressing ridiculous accusations. Nevertheless I seem to be getting through things ok. I have worried about telling my boss things he might not want to hear, but I figure he is paying me to think...if I see a problem and I just keep my mouth shut, that doesn't seem right. So if I notice a problem I let him know and then I drop it. If he wants to take it on, he has the information, and if he wants to ignore it or make some other decision, that is on him because he's ultimately responsible. Maybe I worry too much...