I lost my 74 year-old mother to small cell carcinoma a week ago. It was a very rapid & aggressive form of lung cancer. She went from talking fine a week before Easter, to dying on the 15th. Small cell is a very hard cancer to detect, & I urge all of you to get tested for everything as much as possible. Here's my problem though, I have 2 older brothers, & my dad is 77...he was married to my mother for 54 years. My father is beyond grief-stricken, which isn't a surprise here, but one of my brothers constantly nags at me to call my dad a few times a day, to let him know I'm thinking of him, & to tell him I love him. I live in the northeastern part of the U.S., the rest live in the northwestern part of the U.S., so I don't live close to him, but I try hard to call him at least twice a day....but it's hard listening to my dad break down. Like yesterday, my dad came home from the funeral home to get my mom's ashes, & he was so beyond struck with sadness, he was barely understandable, & it was hard listening to him. It's hard to turn on my phone & I pause for a few seconds before dialing his number & control myself. I had a sister, but at 10 she died in 1988, I was almost 15. My 2 brothers got sent home from emergency leave from the Navy to mourn, but it was for a few weeks, then they had to leave. I was home alone with 2 grief stricken parents for 8 years, & it was very hard on me. But I shoved my grief aside to take care of my parents. I went mostly everywhere they went, even if I didn't want to, I had to because they wanted to have me close to them. Shoving grief aside is a bad thing though, I had mental breakdowns later in life, & finally came to terms with her death. Now, 2016, my mother dies, and who lives the closest to my dad? My 2 brothers. So if anyone can assist a parent, it's my 2 brothers, it's their turn to help out, but I try calling him as much as I can though. I visited my mother on the 14th, she was still alert, I said a lot of things, loving things to her while she was alert..not knowing she'd die the next day. I left, kissing her forehead & said bye...I was going to say "See you tomorrow." But "Bye." came out first...now I'm glad I said bye, because a lot of people never get the chance to say bye to their loved ones that pass on. So, I'm trying to do my best in this situation I'm in so far away, but I get lectured by that one brother & his wife, & I feel like telling them off, but I can't because they are hurting too, I know this. They keep saying, "This isn't about you, it's about dad." I knew that, & I know that, but people deal with death in different ways & I'm not about to shove my grief aside again because it causes future problems mentally....like depression & anxiety. I posted a picture of my mom & I on Facebook 4 days ago. My father came out of his room crying/sobbing because of that. I told my older brother & he's like "Sean, NO! NO! Don't do that, it's not about you, it's about dad!" I know my brother is right, but can't I memorialize my own mother on Facebook...like so many do on theirs? Why can't I do it on mine? So that's where I am at the moment. I do post things on Facebook about my mom, & I make sure none of my immediate family see it, so no brother or sister in law complain.
