DawnMarie

Hello group.. it's been a while since I stopped by. How is everyone doing?

KayC, I am not sure of your beliefs. I see you are active in your church. But I don't assume I interpret anything correctly, because it is not right for me to do that without hearing it from you. like in a conversation with you so that I can guarantee I have not misunderstood anything. Because, it would be doing you an injustice as well as not following His word if I was not correct and thus, making some form of a judgement and a wrong one at that based off of what I assumed. When James died, I don't know how anyone else started out their experience with the grieving process, but I do know where I started mine. I know that we all go through the exact same process, however, the different phases we may not experience at the same time or in the same order. Guilt, regret, pain..oh God the pain... but for me, I had been angry at God for a hot minute. For 3 years I blamed Him for what happened next, in the beginning of a chain of events and that almost killed me then. I attempted suicide, because of what was happening to US at the time, and went through the process which ultimately caused PTSD. On top of that, mourning what I felt was the murder (although metaphoric) of part of MY family. And eventually I lost ALL of my 'family', the last of what was my whole world, was James....besides the dogs. I swear I should just write a flippen book with ALL OF THE THINGS in my life that I have experienced. But not to gain sympathy or fortune and fame. But because it is His will that is going to be done for me no matter what and I can take the easy way or the hard way to do it. But its the lessons He teaches that i am to learn. Life's lessons, through experience that gives me a better knowledge for the future. Knowledge that, as history repeats itself at times, the lessons I learned the hard way gives me a choice to try again with the hopes of successful outcomes. Because it is this point that knowledge becomes wisdom. Today, I am no longer angry at God. I realize, as I have been awakened to the true world I live in, it was not God who was at fault...but the fault of the evil around us and the evil that distracted my attention to blame God. I should have stayed grounded strong in my faith in God. James never once lost his sight of that and tried to . Today, I rejoice in knowing that James is in the presence of Lord God our Savior. He is protecting me and clearing my path I believe, because he would never just 'leave' me. I also know, today i am stronger. Stronger in my faith, stronger in my knowledge. Stronger in my beliefs. And i feel privileged that, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, because those are Gods chosen that will continue to do His will and continue to fight the evil until He takes me home, or He makes His glorious appearing. I also know that we have the ability to learn from what others have had to go through. Not just by listening to them, but opening up our hearts and minds. Nobody has all the answers and it is ok. Look at where I have come in just 3 months. Not completely on my own, but I am having to do it alone.

Yes they are. It has been well known that they are part of what is, in fact, generating revenue on top of the already taxed to death citizens. look at this: let me know if you are able to see this kern.txt

KayC, James passed away March 23. So that was a glimpse into the 24th ad 25th of March. In fact, Little and Sugar were the last two of Chancee's puppies we had left and James, being the lover he was, had fallen in love with Little after he brought her back home one day. He had warned the family that adopted her that if he found her outside in the street alone again, he was going to take her home. Sure enough, he found her in the street again and back home she came. Despite the stress and difficulties, we took care of them. Little I am sure was taken in and Sugar was adopted by an older lady that lived alone just a day before I walked away and never looked back. I have been blessed in so many ways and so many different times since then and looking back I can honestly say that I look at things allot differently today. For one, I don't for one heartbeat of a second, believe that the 'loss of the truck' was anything other then an enormous financial 'come up' in favor of the tow company and I am sure as God is my witness, as organized as it can get, that cop got a big kick back for his share and role in the scene. Do I believe it was conspired, yep I do. (i'm sorry, I can't help myself sometimes) The legal definition for the word conspiracy is as follows: an agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime, fraud, or wrongful act. Simple. And, I don't care which organized or disorganized 'group' of people it happens to be, but to knowingly and willfully, control any action/s that causes undo extreme emotional duress upon a grieving widow of LESS THEN 24 HOURS, is of an immoral standard of human decency and is considered foul. To use the power of authority to inflict more trauma when the very same power of authority is meant to protect or save you from trauma... sheds light on CAN but WONT... did you know that not even GANG MEMBERS would be accepted within their own family structure to do that? Any elder of any family is expected to step in if made aware of a situation like this. Respect for mankind, expect for human decency, and not a savage way of living. It is the civil way to live in any society. Jamers would be proud of me right now. I was taken in by a lady at 4 am, with my two dogs, a few weeks ago now. I have been, whats considered homeless, twice now. One pretty much by force since James's death. One by choice because of my own ETHICAL AND MORAL reasons. Let me emphasize here SINCE James's death, but I believe in the POWER of the Holy Spirit. Sure I am dealing with allot. Those that will take advantage of a situation WILL have to answer for that in their own time, just like I will have to answer for myself in my time. But I love who I am, what I stand for, and I am still surviving despite the evilness of this world. Now back to chocolate ice cream for breakfast. Now I need to decide what I want to do afterwards. I really love being grown up! Truthfully, my plate is full of what needs to be done as trust me, there are other entities that i refuse to let get away with trying to beat me. in two days, is yet another one of what we all have faced or are about to face on the road we are on. James's birthday. My ex has completely cut off ALL communication with my boys. I retrieved the motorcycles from 'storage' but somehow the one I had expected to be my savior from the chains that bind me, was maliciously disabled during its "guarded" protection. And since the prepaid $1000.00 insurance premium has fallen under the protection of bankruptcy...... God it is only obvious what IS the root of ALL EVIL. Thank you for letting me ramble on, I feel better now.

Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me stepping in here. I am lost on the show and the earlier subject. But Terri, I too feel that my 'pets' are not just animals. They are family, and even though it's difficult for me right now, they're still all I have left of our family. I was blessed the day after James died when it relates to our girls. The people that picked me up after James flatlined, I was in complete and total shock. Before I knew It, we were at their house and since I had to stay focused on controlling my emotions, I didn't object because I made sure I channelled them correctly. Having no transportation, being at the mercy of those that have no moral obligation to your needs, during a very needy time it's better to stay focused on yourself, you have to. Our truck had broke down in the alley of what was once our home, scammed into, but still home for 5 years to our family. It was there for a couple weeks and less then 18 hours after James died, I get a call it's being towed. The driver wouldn't talk to me and said to call the police. I did and bawling , I begged to stop him. Dispatch had the officer call me and I was begging not to TAKE the truck. Explained James just died, no I HADN'T went to DMV yet, broke down and parts were already ordered, and bawling. There was no talking to the cold hearted vulture, the first of many. I threw the dang phone so distraught. I got a call back asking if I wanted anything out of the back and I literally couldn't think. For 3 days I forgot the motor to our son's car, all our camping gear, tool box full, king size waterbed mattress draped over as it rained days before..... Gone...I COULDN'T think at that point because I was instantly worried about the dogs and wanted to go home right then. I had to be picked up, for reasons I won't air, and when I got there sure enough the gate was open and they were not in the back. I started to freak when I heard them in the garage and cried like a baby when I got to hold them. But sadly, little was gone, as if James took her with him. I got home just in time too, as animal control showed up. She, however, was a little sympathetic and seeing they indeed had water and food and confirmed they WEREN'T just left behind she didn't put them in jail. I had offers for a place to stay, without my girls. I put leashes on them, and chose the streets. I couldn't, COULDN'T LOSE anybody or ANYTHING else. I wanted to die.. I was BLESSED that day.

Terri, I will give that a try. I feel I have so much on my plate and don't know which tackel first. It hasn't quite been 3 months yet, but it is a comfort knowing that what I'm going through is normal, considering. Having emotional disabilities already and the hospital staff where he died attaching my character has caused even more mental anguish then anyone deserves. I consider it very abusive and completely unprofessional. I still don't understand what that has to do with my husband's death, but it still has caused my grieving to be confusing and compounded. So it really helps to hear it's normal.

Thank you all for your loving words of understanding. I know it seems like every time I come back i always feel I'm in a tragedy. I do read some of your conversations without posting . And it does give a little bit of comfort. My Mitam99, even I have a hard time believing it, but I don't have but a very small amount of support or understanding. My roommate tries but she compares it to losing a child custody issue and even tho that also is a mourning beyond compare, especially for a mother and no substantial reasoning , it's still no where close. Ms Kitty, a very dear friend and the closest thing to my love for my grandmother since her passing, has helped me face a few days when I thought I couldn't. James looked to her like a second mother and we both love her and respect her wisdom. I feel better today. Not up to 100% but any % up is a good thing.

Hello everyone. I have finally turned on the laptop and am still needing to learn the ins and outs of the forum, but I really kind of need some support. Yesterday was our 5th anniversary. I was numb all day and attempted to stay busy. I went to church and had lunch with the ladies. But I was just so empty and numb. Thats the best way to describe it. I came home and tried to keep myself busy and not dwell on the fact that we were going to renew our vows. I stayed up until I finally knocked out which was way after midnight. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I slept until 2 and here it is 9 and I am so damn depressed I cant stand myself. I just want to cry.

Kacy, you don't know how good it is to hear that. I surely didn't intend to seem as tho I am in any way thinking or saying anyone's circumstances are not as important, nor worse. And it's not my subsequent situations anything other then to try and see the blessings, as it could be worse. I mean no disrespect or offense. I hope I haven't, as it's never my intention. I have a difficult time with communication I'm always seeming to be possibly misunderstood . I may decide to write a book, so I'll get, hopefully, right to it, without my bad habit of making it a long story. James and I met in 2010, and both feel madly head over heals in love. We were septated by miles, but not by faith and love. Beginning of 2011, James gave up a position where he lived and moved to where I did, and 6 months later we were married. The first couple years were bumpy. A new mortgage, adjusting to a Brady bunch family when his son came to live with us, but the boys were doing well. I had some medical problems that resulted in the loss of my job, and eventually terminated. James is and was a brother in a prison ministry. He found a new way of life and turned his over to God and accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior long before we met. He rehabilitated, served his debt to society, and discharged his parole. He was taking care of his mom and relieving the stress off his step father after she suffered a stroke while he was gone. His step father received ZERO support from his kids and being he was from Italy, mom was all he had. He dotted on her, as he vowed, but was a great relief to have a break.

I have finally found a spot for my computer, and it's almost accessible. This forum might be more friendly to me when I'm off my phone. I am still a wreck. The emotional trauma, stress, and mental bebilitating function afflickted upon a person by another either intentional or for lack of human decency appauls me. I think all of you are correct in one thing, I need to share my story. I tried to respond last night to some of you and I couldn't get the phone to cooperate and I know it was because I was feeling entrapped within myself, if that makes sense. I have heard many good pieces of advice, as well as already tried then or past that point. Or thought I was. It wasn't picking up the cert. Although, the night before last I realized i was making excuses because I didn't want to go alone. I have now realized that tho i don't know everyone's or anyone's story of why of how their loved ones passed, I think maybe mine is quite a different story. Which makes it seem worse to me. And although I did manage one time to find the topic "hindsight something something something" (forgive me. I can't remember and can't try to find the rest of it) for me, hindsight is 20/20 which makes it unbelievably clear to me now, but so so sooooo not then. So, it's everything that's different about the same exact thing, that makes it difficult for you all to give me the support I need. So, thank you all for putting up with me, and I'm sorry I didn't do before. It's time for me to tell what happened.

Please ignore the damn link. I can't figure out how to delete it and I don't know why it keeps happening. I guess I could just laugh at it like James would, but I feel like a illiterate bubbling idiot.

A hospital of "Dignity Health" formed by a religious entity to help heal and preserve life here. GOD how it's changed

I know it's just another step in the process, but I can't believe the way this county, together with A PRIVATE HOSPITAL is DEVALUING HUMAN LIFE THAT THEY HAVE MY HUSBAND.

I just got my husband's death certificate today. And, well, I'm going through it right now, BAD. This COUNTY is the WORST nightmare to be in.

Terri It is and it was, however, the materialistic things can be replaced, eventually. My husband's life, was, in my eyes, priceless. I don't know if my profile tells where live, or any of the informational data, but I could care less at this point anyway. And now I'm SHOUTING OUT to my grief support family. I don't know how to manipulate this site yet. All I have is a stupid smartphone, so I DON'T know if I'm in the right spot... But need help. My anxiety is beyond control.... HELP ... Please