DawnMarie

Hello group.. it's been a while since I stopped by. How is everyone doing?

KayC, I am not sure of your beliefs. I see you are active in your church. But I don't assume I interpret anything correctly, because it is not right for me to do that without hearing it from you. like in a conversation with you so that I can guarantee I have not misunderstood anything. Because, it would be doing you an injustice as well as not following His word if I was not correct and thus, making some form of a judgement and a wrong one at that based off of what I assumed. When James died, I don't know how anyone else started out their experience with the grieving process, but I do know where I started mine. I know that we all go through the exact same process, however, the different phases we may not experience at the same time or in the same order. Guilt, regret, pain..oh God the pain... but for me, I had been angry at God for a hot minute. For 3 years I blamed Him for what happened next, in the beginning of a chain of events and that almost killed me then. I attempted suicide, because of what was happening to US at the time, and went through the process which ultimately caused PTSD. On top of that, mourning what I felt was the murder (although metaphoric) of part of MY family. And eventually I lost ALL of my 'family', the last of what was my whole world, was James....besides the dogs. I swear I should just write a flippen book with ALL OF THE THINGS in my life that I have experienced. But not to gain sympathy or fortune and fame. But because it is His will that is going to be done for me no matter what and I can take the easy way or the hard way to do it. But its the lessons He teaches that i am to learn. Life's lessons, through experience that gives me a better knowledge for the future. Knowledge that, as history repeats itself at times, the lessons I learned the hard way gives me a choice to try again with the hopes of successful outcomes. Because it is this point that knowledge becomes wisdom. Today, I am no longer angry at God. I realize, as I have been awakened to the true world I live in, it was not God who was at fault...but the fault of the evil around us and the evil that distracted my attention to blame God. I should have stayed grounded strong in my faith in God. James never once lost his sight of that and tried to . Today, I rejoice in knowing that James is in the presence of Lord God our Savior. He is protecting me and clearing my path I believe, because he would never just 'leave' me. I also know, today i am stronger. Stronger in my faith, stronger in my knowledge. Stronger in my beliefs. And i feel privileged that, what doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, because those are Gods chosen that will continue to do His will and continue to fight the evil until He takes me home, or He makes His glorious appearing. I also know that we have the ability to learn from what others have had to go through. Not just by listening to them, but opening up our hearts and minds. Nobody has all the answers and it is ok. Look at where I have come in just 3 months. Not completely on my own, but I am having to do it alone.

Yes they are. It has been well known that they are part of what is, in fact, generating revenue on top of the already taxed to death citizens. look at this: let me know if you are able to see this kern.txt

KayC, James passed away March 23. So that was a glimpse into the 24th ad 25th of March. In fact, Little and Sugar were the last two of Chancee's puppies we had left and James, being the lover he was, had fallen in love with Little after he brought her back home one day. He had warned the family that adopted her that if he found her outside in the street alone again, he was going to take her home. Sure enough, he found her in the street again and back home she came. Despite the stress and difficulties, we took care of them. Little I am sure was taken in and Sugar was adopted by an older lady that lived alone just a day before I walked away and never looked back. I have been blessed in so many ways and so many different times since then and looking back I can honestly say that I look at things allot differently today. For one, I don't for one heartbeat of a second, believe that the 'loss of the truck' was anything other then an enormous financial 'come up' in favor of the tow company and I am sure as God is my witness, as organized as it can get, that cop got a big kick back for his share and role in the scene. Do I believe it was conspired, yep I do. (i'm sorry, I can't help myself sometimes) The legal definition for the word conspiracy is as follows: an agreement between two or more persons to commit a crime, fraud, or wrongful act. Simple. And, I don't care which organized or disorganized 'group' of people it happens to be, but to knowingly and willfully, control any action/s that causes undo extreme emotional duress upon a grieving widow of LESS THEN 24 HOURS, is of an immoral standard of human decency and is considered foul. To use the power of authority to inflict more trauma when the very same power of authority is meant to protect or save you from trauma... sheds light on CAN but WONT... did you know that not even GANG MEMBERS would be accepted within their own family structure to do that? Any elder of any family is expected to step in if made aware of a situation like this. Respect for mankind, expect for human decency, and not a savage way of living. It is the civil way to live in any society. Jamers would be proud of me right now. I was taken in by a lady at 4 am, with my two dogs, a few weeks ago now. I have been, whats considered homeless, twice now. One pretty much by force since James's death. One by choice because of my own ETHICAL AND MORAL reasons. Let me emphasize here SINCE James's death, but I believe in the POWER of the Holy Spirit. Sure I am dealing with allot. Those that will take advantage of a situation WILL have to answer for that in their own time, just like I will have to answer for myself in my time. But I love who I am, what I stand for, and I am still surviving despite the evilness of this world. Now back to chocolate ice cream for breakfast. Now I need to decide what I want to do afterwards. I really love being grown up! Truthfully, my plate is full of what needs to be done as trust me, there are other entities that i refuse to let get away with trying to beat me. in two days, is yet another one of what we all have faced or are about to face on the road we are on. James's birthday. My ex has completely cut off ALL communication with my boys. I retrieved the motorcycles from 'storage' but somehow the one I had expected to be my savior from the chains that bind me, was maliciously disabled during its "guarded" protection. And since the prepaid $1000.00 insurance premium has fallen under the protection of bankruptcy...... God it is only obvious what IS the root of ALL EVIL. Thank you for letting me ramble on, I feel better now.

Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me stepping in here. I am lost on the show and the earlier subject. But Terri, I too feel that my 'pets' are not just animals. They are family, and even though it's difficult for me right now, they're still all I have left of our family. I was blessed the day after James died when it relates to our girls. The people that picked me up after James flatlined, I was in complete and total shock. Before I knew It, we were at their house and since I had to stay focused on controlling my emotions, I didn't object because I made sure I channelled them correctly. Having no transportation, being at the mercy of those that have no moral obligation to your needs, during a very needy time it's better to stay focused on yourself, you have to. Our truck had broke down in the alley of what was once our home, scammed into, but still home for 5 years to our family. It was there for a couple weeks and less then 18 hours after James died, I get a call it's being towed. The driver wouldn't talk to me and said to call the police. I did and bawling , I begged to stop him. Dispatch had the officer call me and I was begging not to TAKE the truck. Explained James just died, no I HADN'T went to DMV yet, broke down and parts were already ordered, and bawling. There was no talking to the cold hearted vulture, the first of many. I threw the dang phone so distraught. I got a call back asking if I wanted anything out of the back and I literally couldn't think. For 3 days I forgot the motor to our son's car, all our camping gear, tool box full, king size waterbed mattress draped over as it rained days before..... Gone...I COULDN'T think at that point because I was instantly worried about the dogs and wanted to go home right then. I had to be picked up, for reasons I won't air, and when I got there sure enough the gate was open and they were not in the back. I started to freak when I heard them in the garage and cried like a baby when I got to hold them. But sadly, little was gone, as if James took her with him. I got home just in time too, as animal control showed up. She, however, was a little sympathetic and seeing they indeed had water and food and confirmed they WEREN'T just left behind she didn't put them in jail. I had offers for a place to stay, without my girls. I put leashes on them, and chose the streets. I couldn't, COULDN'T LOSE anybody or ANYTHING else. I wanted to die.. I was BLESSED that day.

Terri, I will give that a try. I feel I have so much on my plate and don't know which tackel first. It hasn't quite been 3 months yet, but it is a comfort knowing that what I'm going through is normal, considering. Having emotional disabilities already and the hospital staff where he died attaching my character has caused even more mental anguish then anyone deserves. I consider it very abusive and completely unprofessional. I still don't understand what that has to do with my husband's death, but it still has caused my grieving to be confusing and compounded. So it really helps to hear it's normal.

Thank you all for your loving words of understanding. I know it seems like every time I come back i always feel I'm in a tragedy. I do read some of your conversations without posting . And it does give a little bit of comfort. My Mitam99, even I have a hard time believing it, but I don't have but a very small amount of support or understanding. My roommate tries but she compares it to losing a child custody issue and even tho that also is a mourning beyond compare, especially for a mother and no substantial reasoning , it's still no where close. Ms Kitty, a very dear friend and the closest thing to my love for my grandmother since her passing, has helped me face a few days when I thought I couldn't. James looked to her like a second mother and we both love her and respect her wisdom. I feel better today. Not up to 100% but any % up is a good thing.

Hello everyone. I have finally turned on the laptop and am still needing to learn the ins and outs of the forum, but I really kind of need some support. Yesterday was our 5th anniversary. I was numb all day and attempted to stay busy. I went to church and had lunch with the ladies. But I was just so empty and numb. Thats the best way to describe it. I came home and tried to keep myself busy and not dwell on the fact that we were going to renew our vows. I stayed up until I finally knocked out which was way after midnight. Today I couldn't get out of bed. I slept until 2 and here it is 9 and I am so damn depressed I cant stand myself. I just want to cry.

Kacy, you don't know how good it is to hear that. I surely didn't intend to seem as tho I am in any way thinking or saying anyone's circumstances are not as important, nor worse. And it's not my subsequent situations anything other then to try and see the blessings, as it could be worse. I mean no disrespect or offense. I hope I haven't, as it's never my intention. I have a difficult time with communication I'm always seeming to be possibly misunderstood . I may decide to write a book, so I'll get, hopefully, right to it, without my bad habit of making it a long story. James and I met in 2010, and both feel madly head over heals in love. We were septated by miles, but not by faith and love. Beginning of 2011, James gave up a position where he lived and moved to where I did, and 6 months later we were married. The first couple years were bumpy. A new mortgage, adjusting to a Brady bunch family when his son came to live with us, but the boys were doing well. I had some medical problems that resulted in the loss of my job, and eventually terminated. James is and was a brother in a prison ministry. He found a new way of life and turned his over to God and accepted Jesus Christ as his Savior long before we met. He rehabilitated, served his debt to society, and discharged his parole. He was taking care of his mom and relieving the stress off his step father after she suffered a stroke while he was gone. His step father received ZERO support from his kids and being he was from Italy, mom was all he had. He dotted on her, as he vowed, but was a great relief to have a break.

I have finally found a spot for my computer, and it's almost accessible. This forum might be more friendly to me when I'm off my phone. I am still a wreck. The emotional trauma, stress, and mental bebilitating function afflickted upon a person by another either intentional or for lack of human decency appauls me. I think all of you are correct in one thing, I need to share my story. I tried to respond last night to some of you and I couldn't get the phone to cooperate and I know it was because I was feeling entrapped within myself, if that makes sense. I have heard many good pieces of advice, as well as already tried then or past that point. Or thought I was. It wasn't picking up the cert. Although, the night before last I realized i was making excuses because I didn't want to go alone. I have now realized that tho i don't know everyone's or anyone's story of why of how their loved ones passed, I think maybe mine is quite a different story. Which makes it seem worse to me. And although I did manage one time to find the topic "hindsight something something something" (forgive me. I can't remember and can't try to find the rest of it) for me, hindsight is 20/20 which makes it unbelievably clear to me now, but so so sooooo not then. So, it's everything that's different about the same exact thing, that makes it difficult for you all to give me the support I need. So, thank you all for putting up with me, and I'm sorry I didn't do before. It's time for me to tell what happened.

Please ignore the damn link. I can't figure out how to delete it and I don't know why it keeps happening. I guess I could just laugh at it like James would, but I feel like a illiterate bubbling idiot.

A hospital of "Dignity Health" formed by a religious entity to help heal and preserve life here. GOD how it's changed

I know it's just another step in the process, but I can't believe the way this county, together with A PRIVATE HOSPITAL is DEVALUING HUMAN LIFE THAT THEY HAVE MY HUSBAND.

I just got my husband's death certificate today. And, well, I'm going through it right now, BAD. This COUNTY is the WORST nightmare to be in.

Terri It is and it was, however, the materialistic things can be replaced, eventually. My husband's life, was, in my eyes, priceless. I don't know if my profile tells where live, or any of the informational data, but I could care less at this point anyway. And now I'm SHOUTING OUT to my grief support family. I don't know how to manipulate this site yet. All I have is a stupid smartphone, so I DON'T know if I'm in the right spot... But need help. My anxiety is beyond control.... HELP ... Please

Ftoggie4735 I just popped in to check on things and am in a hurry, so I apologize to all for the interruption. I want to share something that relates to what you shared about your home. I hope it helps you in some positive way. We had access and permission to the garage and back yards, where our things were packed and ready to be moved. Our truck broke down right in the alley at the driveway and James got called Friday to fill in for a friend and cover his jobs.. All of our things were left "unprotected" but.... I stayed with our friends wife while James worked. I returned Home Sunday and met James there. He was exhausted, but relieved as he shared the great news that he worked out everything regarding the new place. In two days we'd be moving into a house. But by Wednesday he was gone. It wasn't 24 hours after he passed that the agent for the new owner of our home stopped by. While we were at the hospital, they ASSUMED we abandoned the place. She had already called animal control because our dogs were in the back yard. I explained what was happening to the agent as well as animal control when she arrived, assured them we/I hadn't abandoned anything. I was still completely in shock. I was BLESSED with 3 DAYS to secure myself and our babies. When they left, I realized things had were indeed missing. Not suprising in the neighborhood, as it had gotten bad the last 2 years. I was so lost, I didn't want to be there, but didn't want to leave. I didn't care about the things there or the things missing. (Most of it was in storage) I just wanted to lay down and die. Friday, I managed to get the rest of our stuff to strange. His "friend" offered me a place to stay, without our dogs. I couldn't lose any thing else. I just couldn. But I was forced to walk away from what was our home, our life, for the last 5 years. On foot, with 2 dogs on a leash, with no idea which direction to go, I looked back at the house, had no time for memories, as i said goodbye. I hope you can find the blessings. I know first hand how hard it is in our grief. In the last two weeks, my life has made a complete torn around, not so much in day to day things, but in the way I SEE things. I REJOICE in knowing James is in the kingdom of heaven, on the right hand of God. I REJOICE that there's an eternal life, through Jesus Christ, because our vows were....... as long as we both shall live. I hope I helped at least one person

I need to go back and read all the opinions and thoughts about legal issues. See, I need some advice on something and I'm afraid to until i read all these. Terri, your welcome. I was sharing with you what was being showin to me. I understand COMPLETELY about being financially secure. We intentionally let our house go back to the bank, we just weren't expecting it in to sell in January nor to be evicted on March 1 st. Since we were offered to rent it. No, we had no notice, despite what is filed at the court house. James has been the provider for 5 years due partially to me being hurt at work, then majority because of what caused my PTSD, and attempted suicide. Long story short, James died before the contract was signed at the new place. I became a widow in shock, homeless, and completely broke. Moral of the story, I'm still standing, God provided a roof over my head, and I'm surviving. I'm by no means financially stable much less secure, but if your financial situation is about to change by reducing monthly, you've already been blessed with the ability to see ahead and find your solution. I know exactly what is on your mind which is blocking your vision. We were still staying at our house. We had permission to access the garage and the back yard. When I left the hospital when I assume it was over, I was like a zombie. I slept that night at a friends. In the morning i awoke to hearing that my truck was being towed from the alley of our driveway. Less then 12 hours after he diedI. i couldn't think. I begged the cop to have mercy on me when I called the police. Nope, revenue. It was days before I realized the motor to our son's car, camping gear, tool box + Was in the back of the truck. I lost everything in my grieving. I spent the next two days, my soul like an open bleeding wound, lost. I managed to get the rest of our things to storage and on Sat. day three, I placed the leashes on our surviving babies and walked away from our home, our life together, alone. We all are going through the same thing, with different experiences. Don't let the fear or pain or whatever, be your chain of bondage. Holding on isn't going to keep your memories, and letting go isn't going to make you forget him. Most important, don't let an opportunity go by because of that chain.

When I decided to come into the forum this morning, it was because I was looking over the last week. I thought that I was making progress, and that was a positive emotion I started to read the posts what were first on my screen, as I skimmed through thinking are they taking aboutt me? Then read your message to me me Marge and I want to thank you. Thank you for sticking up for me. I haven't gotten anything closely related to that effect getting the public defenders office. It takes allot of courage to come here. Chatting on a forum is new for me.. Not knowing anyone, afraid of being judged. I've got enough toxic people around in my physical life, which brought me here to the internet world to begin with. This topic is going through hell. As we all are experiencing the same tragedy, I never dreamed that while one is gong through hell at the moment, someone elsr would be cruel enough to add fuel to the fire. I thought this was where I could finally let go of a bunch of bottled up crap that causes other emotional conditions. If I have in any way, misunderstood, please let me know. Because I'm really bothered and I would rather ask for forgiveness for my mistake then feel like I do right now.

Marge, I'm sorry I let myself get distracted and go into the details. I didn't want to cause heartache in anyone, I know there's enough here already and I should stick to words of encouragement. I don't know the circumstances in your situation, and tho I'd like to know, I don't want to cause you harm. I know not everyone's situation is exactly the same, that also runs true for me. I'm sure you can imagine what it was like for me the first couple weeks. Adding insult to injury, my 'family' was very unsupportive. (That's not surprising after 46 years) I felt abandoned and neglected as well. As if that's not enough, with the intention of filing a formal complaint against the nurse, after I hadn't received the call I was told by the SOCIAL worker I would when I was trying to get someone anyone to listen and hear me, help him, and damn it!!!! fix this!!!!! I called the hospital and spoke to some department I can't remember and was suprised when I got an admitted fact they misdiagnosed him from the beginning. I would be hearing from risk management. Thank God for Google. When I finally did get that call, I felt the lady out and asked questions and the red flags in the answers sparked my fire to seek an attorney. Out of town of course. Now, mind you, we were moving and James had just negotiated doing work for partial rent and was to finalize things on Tuesday I think, but died, leaving me homeless with two dogs. I wasn't about to lose them too. The good Lord and our Christian family down south helped me survive and the beginning of week three the attorney I contacted informed me they were not going to assist. Discouraged, I lost hope. I read the letter I received from them a couple days later, and the stress that was placed on my need to continue to seek, as time is important, I attempted one more time. That's when I discussed the situation with another person. After she discussed it with the firm, still not accepting or denying a case they needed to see his medical file. So, I called the hospital and got the info. Upon arrival, it hit me like a tsunami that I wasn't prepared for. Collecting myself I asked for directions to records and the information I received was another red flag. I found the building, and asked for his records/file. They gave me copies of pertinent info that were only about an inch think. It would take 15 days for the entire file and I ordered it, marking every single option. Reading through the report was MURDEROUS to myself. But I know now I had to. For the report from a dr who was not there when this happened, was a singed document that reports LIES. I'm not kidding. He LIED THROUGH THE ENTIRE explanation. That the nurse walked in and found him unresponsive. How he intubated him and yet described in detail a TRACHEOTOMY, and I know for 1000% sure he had no tracheotomy. And not one single mention about the original cause of his being there , nor about the emergency surgery he just had undergone. No mention about the pulmonary embolism like they told me in ICU and how they could dissolve the clot but needed my permission. In an attempt to save his life, I agreed. Now I think I authorized the destruction of evidence. That's just the surface of what I have discovered, Uncovered, and have investigated so much I can't BELIEVE what I've learned. I've had friends tell me the same as you to get professionsl help to move on. I already suffer PTSD from three years earlier. And I was going insane. From Fighting with the hospital for NOT having the file on day 21, to almost having a nervous breakdown having to explain detail on paper, and the the damaging info from risk management... I don't want to stay silent about this. I don't want to give up fighting so that what I've discovered is stopped. I don't wish to benefit off my husband's death, but I do want the benefit of knowing our children and grandchildren and their grandchildren are safe and that the federal government is assuring their laws are taken seriously.

Is it normal in the grieving process to go through all the crap we did wrong, either known or unknown, in our relationship and put itself thorough a 'judgement day' so to speak after our spouse has passed? I know for me, after James died and the hospital brought him back to life and he was placed on life support, I was beside myself. One Dr ordered dialysis and the dialysis Dr wanted to me let him go. And the whole experience combined with My family unsupportive. The "staff" brought me a chair to sit closer to him, but instead I climbed up on the bed above his head and curled up as close as I could. The chair became a foot stool as i was in fetal position and they hung off the bed. I laid there and talked to him. I told him I forgave him for any and all things known or unknown that he had done or said that hurt me. I told him how much he meant to me and I thanked him for always being there. I didn't want him to go, even though I knew in my heart he already was because I SAW it in his eyes when I knocked 3 nurse's out of my way, hearing HIS INCOMPETENT NURSE SAYING "WAKE UP MR Sanders. JAMES WAKE UP" AFTER HIS LAST WORDS TO HER WERE HELP ME PLEASE HELP ME". I was already planning on filing a grievance with the hospital due to her unprofessional actions and something she said out of personal opinion and not professional judgement. And after ignoring his our complaints he couldn't breath and she blamed him and the machine for His symptoms claiming the oxygen monitor wasn't reading correctly because he keeps moving his hand or something, taking my attention to the fact he wasn't hooked up to the telemonitor designed to BEEEEEEEEP if the oxygen level in his blood becomes too low. She ignored the machine, saying it wasn't reading correctly because he moved his hand OR SOMETHING. DISMISSING HIS OBVIOUS ANXIETY from not having the oxygen in his system. Feeling helpless, riddled with guilt because of it, while remembering weeks later things I saw but didn't understand as my husband was in the care of this hospital and it's caregivers....... And going through that knowing I wasn't able to ask his forgiveness for all the things I did, knowing or unknowing, that hurt him. Oh, I know he would forgive me. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't able to do that before he died. I even felt at one point he must be going through his judgment day with Jesus, because I was going through it too within myself. I've been fave to face with pure evil I never believed existed. I thought this kind of things only happened on TV, not in real life, by humans to humans, without care to the humanity of it all. And I don't know what to do next. If I should picket outside the hospital until I am heard, scream it from the of the rooftop at the ER where he was discharged and not diagnosed. Go public with all the bullshit I've uncovered and get the attention of society? Am I going to HAVE to fear MY LIFE if I do this? Who's going to protect me? My protected was killed by these people, in my eyes.

Terri, as I read your story, another amazing testimony of the wonderful ways people are placed in our lives for a reason, I learned something and I would like to share with you as well. I can relate to your desire to move because of what is happening at the local government levels. Not exactly the same, but related to your fears. I know how hard it is to dream and reach for a goal on your own. After the dreams we share with the one we love is no longer shared. But don't sell yourself short. Don't quit dreaming, set that goal, and don't give up on it. If you listen to your feelings and allow them to develope, you may have time to find everything that meets your criteria, or close to it. You may not have the chance later down the road. Us women have an intuition for a reason. Don't dismiss it until you've allowed yourself to fully think it through. Now, I have to live by these words I just preached to you, and thank you for sharing it with me showed me what I also need within myself. And if your country of residence is about to stop taking care of the families of those that sacrificed their time to work for this place, I say get away while you can. It's only getting worse in places like that. I pray you find your answers and let go of the doubt. Be blessed.

Ok. I am so computer illiterate, and I have a stupid smartphone, which only makes it worse. I've been following the conversations and what a pain in is to try and respond when I don't know how to. I still have no idea if I am even responding now, to who's beautiful words of encouragement, or how I managed to get a box k could write in. I want to say it's a blessed Sunday morning, and may God shine many more blessings on you all today. I'm blessed, I found the message box and I'm happy about that little thing in my life. I have been wanting to share with you all something that happened to me last Sunday that has helped me. I hope it helps you all. I for one have been very angry at God the last few years. I'm ashamed to admit that, but at least I'm able to confess it. James and I have been doing what we felt and believed was God's will through us and as children of God, followed His word in the way we believe we did. James had stayed strong in his faith, yet I began to question everything when my whole entire belief system was shattered three years ago. It almost cost me my life, as I attempted to take my own life. I thank God I'm alive now, but that also did damage to our relationship. Even tho we stayed together, everything changed. I suffer PTSD from the tragic heinous actions of another human, 3 other humans to be exact. Things were looking up when all of a sudden James's arm started to swell one night and my entire WORLD was shattered two days later when I watched him die. (Which I'll go into detail soon) We had been looking for a new church since the pastors of the one we were joining retired. We never found the one for us. We have our Christian Brothers and sisters from down south that, by the grace of God, have been my beacon of light the last couple months. Because I know James's devotion and love for the Lord, I don't want have a service anywhere but in the house of the Lord. I feel I wouldn't be doing James right outside of church. I've gone to a couple since his death and even been rejected by a few to hold a service in their sanctuary. Our pastor from down south is who I want to conduct the service, as he was one of the two that married us. A new friend of mine introduced me to a new church pastor and his wife. We met one day a couple weeks ago. They lead a grief counseling support group. But because I don't have a car, our motorcycle is being kept from me, and the buses don't run Sundays this church was to far away. But, as they drove me home, they showed me I was just a couple blocks from a sister church of theirs and suggested i try it and praised it was a great church and a blessing I was so close. Sunday, Memorial Day Weekend, my son's 16 th birthday, all alone i went to this new house of God. it was here I found a little about what I needed. The sermon, on Memorial Day Weekend was in memory of those it's intended for, but what I also had neglected to see. I REJOICE in knowing, beyond a shadow of doubt, that James it's now sitting on the right hand of God. At this very second, he is in the presence of Jesus and what a blessing that is. The wonderful things that have been slowly continuing to show in my life the last couple months tell me James is on the other side helping to clear my path and bringing me closer to God and closer to him. Oh I still miss him and I will continue to fight and be his voice in the quest to make the GROSS NEGLIGENT Inadequate unprofessional staff of the privately owned hospital accountable for the lack of care and lack of professional reasonability entrusted into them resulting in his death. And I will even expose the governing officials that hold stock and support these malpractices as procedure. I won't quit until I am sure my grandchildren and great grandchildren are safe from the evil i witnessed James lose his life to. But I still have learned to rejoice in his ultimate blessing of being in the presence of God. I have to go. Church is in 20 minutes and I've not even showered. I hope this helps someone, anyone. I hope to talk to you soon..... If I can figure out how to respond that is.....???. Until then, be blessed.

Yes I have children. We both have children, in a Brady Be type family. That actually is one of the indirect issues that I mentioned. You see, I wasa single mom for MANY years after my divorce from their sperm donor. I stayed pretty much celibate for about 8 years, if that is any indication of the type. For three years I had a friend, a best friend, but I wasn't in love with him like he was me. And there wasn't a connection with my boys. So I told him it wasn't fair to him that I just didn't share the same feelings. Although I wanted to remain friends, it didn't happen. My boys weren't affected to bad. We lived with my parents, which was a blessing some ways. I worked 40+ hrs, paid someone else to raise my kids, active in cub scouts, and missed every school activity held during the day to make a bottom dollar for an entity I no longer respect. In fact, if I could do it over again, I'd live on welfare checks, and dedicated my every available minute volunteering to be with my kids. But, that's not how I did it. I use to take pride in the fact I worked to stay off welfare. My ex wasn't involved in the boys life much. I got tired of calling him and him rejecting to take them for a weekend so I could have time for myself. His excuses were always about his new wife and him fighting. So I just quit calling and raised them myself. After I "became single" even though I always claimed to be only friends, I decided it was time for me to start dating again. I didn't want my boys exposed to meeting allot of people, so I didn't involve them. Things were getting strange at my parents, I'm sure I know why, but it doesn't change the reality of it. I was seeing a guy and something caused me to decide it was time to move out on my own. I wasn't in love, but he was a crutch. I applied for a mortgage loan and was approved. Thrilled beyond belief, I journeyed down the home buyers path. It took months bidding until I finally didn't get outbid by an investors. I was doing it on my own and I no longer was seeing the guy. Then, I hurt my back at work. Being the manager, I chose to see my own DR's, as i needed my job cause I just bought a house. I was Woking half days and on the eve of Halloween 2010 is when I met James. We met through a social media group on the internet. We hit it off right away. We lived in different cities, so we got to know each other before we met face to face. We quickly became friends, and he was a God send from the beginning. As for work, I figured my back would heal in time and by having my employees help me with things I couldn't do, it'd be no time before I was healed. Hell, there was nothing much different from the quacks I paid for. So, I told my dr I was ready to go back to work even tho my back wasn't. I was already stressing financially, but still ok. I was released and the day I went back to full time, I was demoted. I took a direct blow to my self image. I was upset. James was very supportve assuring me things would be OK. It had been weeks since we started chatting and our friendship was pretty solid. But I got depressed almost immediately. Some of my employees/now Co workers tried to get me out of my funk and invited me to a party. The boys were gone and first I said no. But I thought about it and I called James and asked if he wanted to go to a party with me. At first he declined, thinking about the drive. So I said, what if I pick you up? He said yes and I made the hour drive. I'll never forget that first face to face meeting. I felt like a school kid. Butterflies, heart skipping, and when I pulled into the community driveway, there he was. It was dark, and u remember him taking me I had to get out of the vehicle and give him a hug. I knew I was in trouble second he closed his arms around me. We drove to taco Bell cause I was hungry and we were talking and laughing, plus he made me all nutty inside, I drove right past the ordering post and didn't even realize it until we got to the window. I still laugh about that one. I decided, maybe he should drive. We switched seats and headed to my town and the party. It was on this very night, on the I5 coming down the Grapevine, we knew! The center console was where I rested my arm, and as I just changed the CD, James took my hand and wrapped it into his. The jolt of electricity that coursed through us both through our arms and into our souls, he said he knew right then, I was the one. It scared the be Jesus out of me and I denied it for a while.... But I knew. I knew. Thank you for sparking up that memory for me. I'm sure you didn't know it, and I wasn't expecting it, but what a blessing to relive that memory, while sharing with you all. God is beautiful.

Yes I have children. We both have children, in a Brady Be type family. That actually is one of the indirect issues that I mentioned. You see, I wasa single mom for MANY years after my divorce from their sperm donor. I stayed pretty much celibate for about 8 years, if that is any indication of the type. For three years I had a friend, a best friend, but I wasn't in love with him like he was me. And there wasn't a connection with my boys. So I told him it wasn't fair to him that I just didn't share the same feelings. Although I wanted to remain friends, it didn't happen. My boys weren't affected to bad. We lived with my parents, which was a blessing some ways. I worked 40+ hrs, paid someone else to raise my kids, active in cub scouts, and missed every school activity held during the day to make a bottom dollar for an entity I no longer respect. In fact, if I could do it over again, I'd live on welfare checks, and dedicated my every available minute volunteering to be with my kids. But, that's not how I did it. I use to take pride in the fact I worked to stay off welfare. My ex wasn't involved in the boys life much. I got tired of calling him and him rejecting to take them for a weekend so I could have time for myself. His excuses were always about his new wife and him fighting. So I just quit calling and raised them myself. After I "became single" even though I always claimed to be only friends, I decided it was time for me to start dating again. I didn't want my boys exposed to meeting allot of people, so I didn't involve them. Things were getting strange at my parents, I'm sure I know why, but it doesn't change the reality of it. I was seeing a guy and something caused me to decide it was time to move out on my own. I wasn't in love, but he was a crutch. I applied for a mortgage loan and was approved. Thrilled beyond belief, I journeyed down the home buyers path. It took months bidding until I finally didn't get outbid by an investors. I was doing it on my own and I no longer was seeing the guy. Then, I hurt my back at work. Being the manager, I chose to see my own DR's, as i needed my job cause I just bought a house. I was Woking half days and on the eve of Halloween 2010 is when I met James. We met through a social media group on the internet. We hit it off right away. We lived in different cities, so we got to know each other before we met face to face. We quickly became friends, and he was a God send from the beginning. As for work, I figured my back would heal in time and by having my employees help me with things I couldn't do, it'd be no time before I was healed. Hell, there was nothing much different from the quacks I paid for. So, I told my dr I was ready to go back to work even tho my back wasn't. I was already stressing financially, but still ok. I was released and the day I went back to full time, I was demoted. I took a direct blow to my self image. I was upset. James was very supportve assuring me things would be OK. It had been weeks since we started chatting and our friendship was pretty solid. But I got depressed almost immediately. Some of my employees/now Co workers tried to get me out of my funk and invited me to a party. The boys were gone and first I said no. But I thought about it and I called James and asked if he wanted to go to a party with me. At first he declined, thinking about the drive. So I said, what if I pick you up? He said yes and I made the hour drive. I'll never forget that first face to face meeting. I felt like a school kid. Butterflies, heart skipping, and when I pulled into the community driveway, there he was. It was dark, and u remember him taking me I had to get out of the vehicle and give him a hug. I knew I was in trouble second he closed his arms around me. We drove to taco Bell cause I was hungry and we were talking and laughing, plus he made me all nutty inside, I drove right past the ordering post and didn't even realize it until we got to the window. I still laugh about that one. I decided, maybe he should drive. We switched seats and headed to my town and the party. It was on this very night, on the I5 coming down the Grapevine, we knew! The center console was where I rested my arm, and as I just changed the CD, James took my hand and wrapped it into his. The jolt of electricity that coursed through us both through our arms and into our souls, he said he knew right then, I was the one. It scared the be Jesus out of me and I denied it for a while.... But I knew. I knew. Thank you for sparking up that memory for me. I'm sure you didn't know it, and I wasn't expecting it, but what a blessing to relive that memory, while sharing with you all. God is beautiful.

That was absolutely the most beautiful and touching thing I have heard since James died. Made me cry good hopeful tears of the best encouragement I've had. And that's a good thing. Don't get me wrong, I've been blessed with a few, very few, people that truly care about, what I feel is me as a person, and what I'm going through as it applies to the death of James. But what they don't understand if it's been one tragedy after another for us the last three years or so. So my s*** goes so much deeper then the extreme loss that comes from the loss of your spouse. Especially so unexpected and should have been completely avoidable. At least from my stand point as a witness to the care of those I entrusted him with.