Cheryl J

13 hours ago, Tomtomyes said:

Thanks Cheryl for your support. Sorry for your loss 12 years is a very long time but a least he had a long life . I also have pictures of him on my wall that I will cherish forever.  

It's been 3 days now does it get any easier because now I still feel sick .

It will take awhile.  Honestly I don't remember how long it took me before I stopped crying. Everyone is different. It will get easier as time passes though. Hang in there and reach out as much as you need!!!!

Cheryl

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is losing a family member. I understand what you are going through. I had to have my 12 year old chocolate lab put down this past January. It was so hard and even today I still look for him sometimes. Grieve....cry....and remember.  For me, it was helpful to have his ashes brought home. They are sitting in my living room along with his pictures. Everyday I talk to him. Hopefully you will find what works for you. Hugs. 

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

In George Burns' mind, the show did not go on without Gracie.  He regularly visited her vault in Glendale to discuss things with her.  "I don't know if she hears me, but I do know that everytime I talk to her I feel better."  He waited nearly 25 years after her death to write "Gracie: A Love Story."  He wrote "how could I have put off what turned out to be such a rewarding and somehow comforting experience for me?"  Burns even told Gracie about the book.  Evidently she approved because she did not say anything.  The book's opening line is typical Burns.. "For forty years my act consisted of one joke.  And then she died."  

I read the biography of Martha Washington and for some reason I was not fond of her.  But, after reading about her life without George, I grew to be of the same mind as her.  I understood.  Sensing her own health was deteriorating, Martha laid out the white satin dress she wished to be buried in.  She studied her Bible every day and looked forward to the day she would reunite with him.  and she joined him less than two years later.  I grew to admire her more.

Now Mary Todd Lincoln, that was another story, and honestly I understand her, but she let her grief be loud and dramatic.  I guess like my screaming into the pillows. (But I made sure no one was around.)  She would throw herself on the floor, or where ever she was.  She lost all but one child and Lincoln also in a preview of Kennedy's wife holding him after he was shot.  She wrote that she had never experienced such desolation, which we can all agree with.  But she outlived him quite a few years, some time spent in an insane institution, put there by her son.  Martha went quietly, Mary Todd with a dramatic end.  

Mark Twain,  that was another story.  His wife was 58, he was 68.  He wore the white suits believing they would enliven his spirit.  He wrote "She was my life, and she is gone, she was my riches, and I am a pauper."  

Many more famous people from Milton Hershey to Norman Rockwell, C.S. Lewis, even Grandma Moses. (Some people I was not familiar with,) but they all grieved, just as we do.  Some found other mates.  And one reason Grandma Moses took up her painting was to "keep busy."  I think she "kept busy" until about age 101.  

All I took from reading this book was that we were never alone in our grief, just as we already know.  I kinda like the way Martha did it though, she did not wail and whip herself like Mary Todd Lincoln did.  But, I understand both women's mentality.

One day soon I will travel to my mama's territory, the land that helped me grow up.  All of this less than 30 miles away. I will remember Mama showing me how to use the resin from the sweet gum tree mixed with stretch berries to make a gum that tasted better than the old "Beech-Nut" gum.  I will remember our many hickory nut hunts and berry picking and how Mama could beat anyone picking any kind of berry.  I will remember the little country store and the house on the hill where all the family had grown up.  Only vast pine tree markets are in those places now.  I will go by myself and I will visit where my mama was born and could hear the panther's crying at nights in the thick woods.  I will visit the old Salem Cemetery where all the relatives sleep now.  I won't put silk flowers on my grandmother's grave.  She requested never any silk flowers. I think I am doing this to confront my not feeling as much grief over my mama. Then I will have come full circle in coming home, alone.  I began it without Billy.  I end it the same.  

Marge, thank you so much for these words. The different stories are proof that no grief is handled the same. There is no rule book that says how we are supposed to grieve or that we are wrong in the way we grieve. 

Cheryl

46 minutes ago, Brianna said:

@rdownes, Thank you, I look forward to a day when its not so hard to smile. When it doesn't feel like I am smiling thru broken glass & having acid poured on my insides... the pain it just so intense when I am forced to fake it. I looked up another counselor & I will be calling tomorrow to try to get an appointment but then I have to go thru everything again... ::sarcastic:: woohoo ::eye roll:: I just can't believe this is my life. I just got the police report back with pictures & its killing me... I thought it would give me closure, I sure was wrong. It just opened a new can of s*** & dumped it on the pile. Added to my night terrors, thankfully I can't remember much thanks to my meds but I am covered in bruises & so sore. I just want a break, some peace somewhere & I can't find it.

My heart goes out to you Brianna. I have lost someone to suicide before and it's so very hard to understand.  I would have nightmares about it.  I hate to hear that you have to start all over again with a new counselor but I am glad that you have one to go to.  I like to hear you are coloring and reading, even if you have to struggle through it...that's ok. You are making an effort to continue on. We are all here for you. 

Cheryl ???

On 10/1/2016 at 10:25 AM, Gettingthrough79 said:

I have to call the lawyer. I'm sitting here frozen in time.

People keep saying push on , you have to keep going, you have no choice. I barely dragged myself out of bed today and can't picture facing all these things without my mother. Oh God, please help me.

No one really understands unless they are going through it or have gone through it.

It's sad but true.

I totaled my car, lost my cat, lost an abusive bf (I GUESS FOR THE BEST) ,calling me everyday just to remind me he never wants to be with me again, he just calls because I ask him too... lost my mother all in basically 2 weeks.

I went from being so happy to the worst mess possible, but all the loss is making me nuts. I can't let it get me. Then I think of the holidays and how alone I will be. 

God, help me keep any sanity I have left.

Ty to all who listen, I know I keep repeating the same thing. I can't help it. It's just all too much.

I'm sorry I don't reply much to other people's posts. I just cant take it anymore. No matter what anyone says or what suggestions they give, I don't want to keep going.

Ty in advance for listening.

Repeat as much as you need to. We are here for you!  

2 hours ago, kayc said:

Beautiful!

Another one of our favorites!!!

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I think that's some of the hardest part about this...not understanding why, and getting no closure.  Having to learn to do our own closure...it's so much harder.

Doing our own closure is the pits Kay!!!

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I love that song!

One of my favorites and dads too

For some reason this weekend I have been really sad over the loss of my boyfriend.  I just wish I had a reason why it ended.  I need closure.

I'm really missing dad today.  I found the pictures of me getting dad situated in the car.  For 2 1/2 years I took care of him.  It was hard but I can say I really miss that.  I want him back.  I want to be able to give him his medicine, making him meals, taking him to his doctor appointments, making sure he used his walker, pushing him around in his wheel chair....it's so odd that I miss those things so much.  

So glad to hear that you stood your ground. I know how hard that could be. Stay strong!!

Cheryl

One of my employees received a phone call today that her mother stopped breathing. She currently is on life support but is brain dead. They wanted to give all the family time to get here to say goodbye so they will be pulling life support in the morning. I am asking that everyone please keep her and the rest of the family in your prayers and thoughts.  Just losing Dad in June I very much understand what they are dealing with right now and I hate that they are having to go through this. It breaks my heart. 

Cheryl

1 hour ago, kerry88 said:

Hello, Im kerry and I am new to this site. I seeked out this site as from tomorrow marks 13 weeks since my granddad passed away and I am feeling like the odd one out in my family as I am having such a hard time. I go to his grave almost everyday to feel close to him and I sit and cry. He passed from pulmonary fibrosis (we had no idea of the reduced lifespan with this we weren't informed).He had a terrible time suffering in the last 48 hours of his death and I was there by his side at the hospital witnessing him crying and pleading with the family to take him home. I have many regrets as to why I didn't take him home (I thought hospital was the best place) and everytime he tried to get up and go I put his legs back into the bed I was still clinging on to hope that he could recover in hospital and they could make him comfortable and now I think I should of insisted he die at home as that's what he wanted I find this hard to accept. I think if he had died in his sleep I would of had more comfort he didn't suffer like I saw he did. I have struggled and got ill the last few months and I do accept he is not coming back but I really cannot accept the sweetest man I know had to suffer to the end so horribly that he would cry and begged to die. I cannot stop crying when I think about them horrible last hours and I am just very low.

Hi Kerry, first of all I am very sorry for your loss.  I am glad though that reached out here.  You are grieving so everything your a thinking and feeling is normal.  I lost my dad in June and I feel the same way....why didn't I do this or what if I would have done that.  The only thing I can say is you did what you thought was best at that moment.  I know second guessing ourselves is very easy to do.  I just discussed this with my therapist last week.  There is no easy answer.  Everyone grieves differently so don't feel like the odd one out of the family.  Don't hold back your feelings.  You are not alone.  Prayers and hugs coming your way.

Cheryl

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry, Cheryl.  When we're grieving, we never know what will come along and set us off.

Thanks....I know that is the case.  It was good to vent!!

It is weird what sets you off into tears, depression, etc.  I just received a phone call from my mom's investment agent.  She called to inform me that my mom had some friends bring her up to deposit checks from dad's life insurance.  For those who do not know, my mom has dementia so I have power of attorney and on all accounts.  Anyway, she called me to let me know about this to make sure I was aware.  As well, to advise me we have to sit down to set it up for investments and have my dad's name removed since he was deceased.  I scheduled the appointment, hung up the phone and had to walk outside before I started hyperventilating.  Its just those things that sets you off.  

Cheryl

1 hour ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

I have so many affairs I need to handle and barely make it from the bed to the couch.

My chest is heavy and I feel physically weak.

I've done what I can..reached out to counselors, switched meds, but yet I can't seem to move. Ive forced myself but haven't eaten and find it hard to do the simplest of things. 

 

You need to take care of yourself as much as possible.  Try just a little bit at a time.

31 minutes ago, rdownes said:

You are so right this is what we all go through and yes you do got this that positivity we help you along the way.

This weekend has had its ups and downs.  It is weird how one minute you can be fine and the next minute you want to crawl in a hole.  Laughing then crying.  At peace then depressed.  I know that everyone out there experiences these same ups and downs.  Like me doing my video journal, sharing here is like another way of release.  So, while I sit here drinking coffee and watching some silly show I think about these ups and downs....minute by minute....second by second.  I tell myself "I got this".  Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but I know that this is part of the process.  Thanks for letting me share!!!

Cheryl

1 hour ago, Brianna said:

So lately I have been so scatterbrained. I can't find things. I put things in places I normally wouldn't & I forget to do the most simple things. Like last night, I went to dinner with some friends & I forgot to pay my tab!! Like what?! I am not that person! Thankfully my friend picked it up for me & I can pay him back later but I can't believe I did that!! Or like I went to Grief Share & forgot my book... what was I thinking? Where is my brain? Anybody else going through this? I feel like everything is overwhelming. Its just life, the most simplist of things can be overwhelming. A day that has more than a few things in it can overwhelm me... why can't I function?!

Brianna, I think most of us that is going through grief do this.  I know I catch myself doing the silliest things that I normally would not do or forgetting things that are important.  Its like our brain is in a fog.  You are not alone.

Cheryl

18 hours ago, OkCrew said:

It was hard at first. He would cry all the time if I wasn't touching him and he didn't know where I was. Now he's back to being playful and spunky. It's amazing how well he gets around but I can't fully let my guard down or he could be seriously injured falling down stairs, into street sewers, or who knows where. Here's a sweet picture of him emerging from under my couch.

 

what a cutie

WOW!!  Did I have a major breakdown today.  Morning started off bad at home.  By the time I got to work issues just put me over the edge!  I had my appointment with my therapist and we were going to go through all my dad's pictures to celebrate his life.  As soon as I set down in her office I sobbed and didn't stop until maybe 10 minutes before our session was over.  It was a wild ride.  I'm exhausted.  Tough, tough day.

And please bring Spongebob stickers for my helmet.!!

I will!!!

2 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

At least found my charger..was using the wrong one.

Feels like I'm going nuts.

I'm having a rough day too.  Let's have one together.