Cheryl J

8 hours ago, Finch said:

I lost it in my car last week and punched my steering wheel, dashboard and the door several times.

 

I am also on the verge of losing it today and I nearly crushed my mouse within my grasp. 

 

Not a real mouse, a PC mouse.

Finch, I just now saw this.  Are you a little better tonight?  When that anger and frustration kicks in it is a pain in the butt.

Just now, mittam99 said:

Nice idea, Cheryl. Let's face it, anything that helps you cope with the pain of loss is a positive. Thanks for posting that. 

It may not work for everyone but give it a try!!

Another tough day.  I decided to try something a little different than my using my regular journal to write my thoughts in.  I started a video journal.  Although I am still mentally and physically exhausted it felt good to say it out loud while being a lone and then playing it back to see the reality of my feelings.  Maybe this might be helpful for someone else.

Cheryl

8 hours ago, sharirouse said:

Cheryl, I actually ended up missing a session with a group and did it one on one with my grief therapist that hospice provided and i think I prefer it alone, maybe thats an option?

 

And dont feel bad about losing it, I think I need to lose it but Im clamped down. I saw my dads old work truck the other day and picked up my arm to wave when I remembered he wasnt alive anymore. That was horrible. I felt like I got punched. 

Thanks Sharirouse, I still have my dads contact info in my phone. I almost called it the other night just out of habit. 

44 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am so sorry.  You don't need or deserve this.  I doubt you did anything wrong, it's likely him, not you.  I've seen this happen before.  Some people don't have it in them to be supportive of another when they are going through grief.  I wish it were not so.  (((hugs)))

Thanks Kayc.  I just have to vent cause I am really struggling right now. 

I previously responded to another discussion about loss of a relationship. I feel the need to write about this again because I am really struggling. As I deal with my grief of losing my dad in June of this year, I am now dealing with grief of losing the man I was falling in love with. We had been talking about a future together. Out of no where I don't hear from him. Seriously, he left 2 weekends ago and everything was fine. By the following Wednesday......nothing. During this time I have heard from him once (in a text) that he needed time because he wasn't happy with anything right now. He won't tell me what went wrong, was it something I did? I just need some sort of closure but he will not respond to me at all. Funny thing is he still has clothes and other stuff at my house. I am absolutely heartbroken. After being in a verbal, mental and physical abusive relationship prior to meeting him now some of the past is coming back to haunt me. It's more than I can stand right now. Venting like this helps so thank you for letting me rant. Just really sad right now. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

So true!  I remember when my husband died unexpectedly (he was barely 51), I felt like all of my power had been stripped from me, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this!  No one checked with ME, and I was his wife!  I found that expressing myself helped restore some of that sense of power.  Posting here, writing him letters, talking to someone, it all helped.  I hope you can get in to your therapist...I hope it's someone trained in grief, not all are.  I'm sorry you haven't found a support group that works with your schedule.  Have you tried contacting hospice?  Sometimes they have something that can help and it's free.

You mention venting...I remember driving out in the woods and screaming at the top of my lungs!  I probably scared the wildlife away.

I'm going to reach out to the grief counselor at hospice to see if she can help me find a group near by. 

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

(Using your car is a good place to vent, too, as no one can hear you scream if you're alone. Just make sure your car is parked when you do it. No wildlife will be harmed. )

Very good advise....driving around here focused is a challenge with the deer. 

7 hours ago, seachelle said:

I wish there was something I could do for you!  I know this feelings.  Many people on this forum say that grief comes in waves and that is my experience too.  It's slightly consoling to know that the feelings will ebb, not completely, but maybe for a while.  It's amazing how little grief is spoken of or accounted for in our culture considering how devastating it is.  It's like being plunged into a major depression with bipolar tendencies yet there are so few support groups, and so few supports in general.  All I can say is that what you are experiencing is normal.  You are not alone!  We are here for you!  Many contributors have tips on coping as well though it's hard to discuss them without sounding trite.  All you can do is give yourself a break and try to be good to yourself as you go through this.  

Thank you seachelle, I have been looking for a support group locally but have not found any that works with my schedule.  I HAVE to get an appointment with my therapist.  I know that will be beneficial.  I am glad I found this site.  Just putting it out there to share helps.  One day at a time is all I can do...vent when I need to....cry when I need to.

10 minutes ago, Finch said:

Do any of you have experiences with Mediums? Good or bad. I imagine this has been discussed before on the forums. I also guess if it was that easy and fullproof, many would use them.

I don't really believe in it personally... I think. It's more out of desperation that I want to use one. Just for that slim chance of connecting. I am worried though it might make things worse.

Finch, I have never experienced one myself so I can't really say for sure.  I would be skeptical too.  However, only you can do what you think is best for you and your grief.  Keep us post and prayers coming your way!!!  

Normal I'm sure but I just totally lost it.  I miss my daddy so bad right now. 

2 hours ago, seachelle said:

I think in the best of time, resentments arise.  In worse times, they really show their ugly heads.  It's possible that your brother has his reasons for not participating.  If he lives elsewhere and doesn't visit often or communicate with the family much, it may be that he doesn't feel close to the family.  It could also be the case that he is avoiding the painful emotions he would likely experience by coming to visit.  Neither option is an excuse but, unfortunately, some people would rather avoid their loved ones during their final years that be with them to experience the grief.  I don't think you are going crazy at all.  Was your brother present for your dad's memorial?  Perhaps it's time to have a very frank conversation about the fact that your mother's health is declining, if you haven't been super direct already, now is the time.

He was at the service.  We have had very frank conversations about mom.  I don't know, maybe it is me expecting too much.  I think I just get to feeling sorry for myself to have to do this on my own.  And literally....it is just me.  :/

I journal some. The hat I have on in my profile picture was my daddy's. He wore it all the time. It was his favorite. I wear it when I'm feeling down. It helps a little. 

Such a precious baby. So sorry for your loss of Ruby. I totally understand your grief. Our animals are family. Prayers your way. 

Cheryl

Sorry for your loss Jason. This thing they call "grief" is a roller coaster. My loss is very new because I just lost my dad June 14, 2016. We were very close...daddy's girl and I was his caregiver for the last 2 years. Some days I'm fine but most days now I find myself losing it at the oddest moments. You are not alone. So glad that you joined in and shared. I will keep you in my thoughts. Hang in there. 

Cheryl

Goldshine, being in an abusive relationship is very difficult. I know because I was in one too. I'm not sure why I stayed as long as I did. I think vulnerability was a big part of it. I was trying to take care of my dad so having someone there to comfort me when I needed was nice. But the physical, mental, and verbal abuse was traumatic. I'm still dealing with the affects from it a year later. I will say a prayer for you. 

Cheryl

Yes they do Kayc!!

Thank you!

Losing animals are so hard because they are part of the family.  I miss my Bodie everyday.

As I deal everyday with the grief over the loss of my dad I find myself having a lot of resentments and I hate feeling that way.

My brother....although he lives in another state I have offered to get him a plane ticket to come and stay with Mom awhile to give me a break (mom has dementia).  He doesn't work and has nothing holding him down but he says "he can't...he has things to do".

My mom....she fought me tooth and nail while I cared for Dad over the last two years on what was best for him because she didn't want to spend "her" money.  I had to lie and sneak around with the help of hospice just to get some part time in home care so I could go back to work.

My dad....I can't really resent him at all.  Daddy's little girl but I do sometimes feel myself being upset with him because he left me.

Some times I wonder if I am going crazy.

Hi Janet, welcome and I am new as well.  I just signed up a couple of days ago.  In what short time I have been on here everyone has been very supportive.  We are all grieving, maybe in different ways and for different reasons, but that doesn't matter.....grief is grief.  I am very sorry for your loss.  Sending you prayers!

Cheryl

Thank you Mary for your guidance. And yes, hospice is still in touch so I do take advantage. My goal is to get some appointments scheduled as soon as I get my mom through her cataract surgeries. 

Jennifer, I'm sorry for your loss. I understand a lot of what you are feeling and going through. Everyone grieves differently. For me it is a little different in the sense that I have been suppressing my grief. My dad was sick for over two years, and btw......I am definitely a daddy's girl...anyway, I was the one taking care of everything. My mom has dementia so making decisions and seeing that dad was taken care of had to be up to me. I did everything....taking him to doctors, making sure he was taking all of his meds, and so much more. With the support of hospice I kept my head as high as possible so I could make sure he had the care he needed up until the day he died. After he passed taking time to grieve wasn't really an option because now I had to be strong for mom. Now I'm in a place that I am crying everyday, I don't want to talk to anyone. I come home from work and I only do what I absolutely have to do. All I want is to here my dad and see him. 

This is why I am now on this site. I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone else I have forgotten about myself. Now my pain is so heavy I am mentally and physically sick. I don't eat much or sleep much. My anxiety attacks have started and happening daily now. It has begun to affect my performance at work. Hopefully communicating with others going through the same thing will help until I can get into therapy. I hope that someway you will be able to find some peace. Hugs to you!

Me and my daddy two months before he died. To me....the greatest man to ever walk this earth. 

I miss you daddy!!!

I am going through something very similar only it's the other way around. I lost my dad on June 14, 2016. I had been in an exclusive relationship for two months when dad passed. When we got together he knew my dad was under the care of hospice and that I was his caregiver. He was so understanding in what I was going through. I knew it was a lot to take on and told him I would understand if it was something he did not want to deal with. When dad passed away he was there for me. Other than him being at work he was right by my side. He was my rock. Our relationship was getting serious and once again I told him that it was a lot to deal with because of my grieving and also being the caregiver of my mom who has dementia so I would understand if he did not want to deal with it. He said he was not going anywhere. A little over a week ago he just stopped coming over, calling and texting. He wouldn't respond to me. I finally got him to tell me he just needed time because he was not happy. That's it.....nothing else.  Are we done??  What did I do??  I know nothing and I am heartbroken. On top of losing dad I have now lost my relationship with a man I was falling in love with. ☹️