Cheryl J

Adorable!!!

4 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Thanks Cheryl.

I am up early again. The water has always been my sanctuary but I haven't been going in because it brings back too many memories like everything else.

I feel very shaken up this morning. Well, that's been every morning. I just don't even want to get out of bed.

Just try....I know its hard.  Trust me I do.

10 hours ago, Clematis said:

That's really great, Cheryl, that he was hanging out with you in the yard. Does he talk to you, or do you just feel his presence. I hear my dad talking to me - I think he has to speak up to get my attention. I think he is around other times, and Lena the cat is certainly aware when he is around, but she is more sensitive to that than I am.

I don't hear him.  I wish I did.  Sometimes I feel him but not often.

19 hours ago, Clematis said:

Hi Cheryl - I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died in January and it's been really hard. We were really close and I took care of him during his last ten years with Parkinson's.

I know what you mean by the triggers. Sometimes it can seem very mysterious as to what will set off a big reaction - and why. I have felt the same sensations I did in the beginning - like my chest was crushed, I couldn't breathe or swallow, and the bottom had dropped out from my stomach and my world - every time I went in Walmart. I wasn't sure why. And then one day I was talking to someone about the trigger and realized that more and more toward the end of his life, every time I was in Walmart I would be looking around to find something that would help him, make his life easier, make him safer, make him smile or laugh, or ultimately to save him. But once he had died, it was too late to do any of those things, no matter how enormous the store is.

Grief does suck, and the deeper your love was, the more painful the grief. It does get better to some degree. I am able to cope with my days a lot better than I did in the beginning, but I am still really struggling with his loss. Also, I talk to people all the time who tell that they lost their dad so many years ago, "and I still miss him every day".

Stay in touch with us, ok?

Laura

Thanks Laura, actually I got through today pretty okay.  A few crying spells but my employees were so supportive today because they knew where I was at with my feelings.  I just stayed super busy and when I got home I put my dads hat on that he always wore when he worked in the yard.  Needless to say I mowed and other stuff so he was with me.

2 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

It felt like hell getting out of bed to the Dr.

Have my anti anxiety meds again. Have explanation from doctor as to why I got in to the car accident. Anxiety, depression,gastritis, and trauma from watching my mother turn into a corpse.

Waiting on a preauthorization for new meds.

Went in the pool, accomplished what I could. I feel so drained.

 

 

Oh my gosh, I am so glad you got to the doctor.  Very big step!!!  And you got into the pool!!  What a huge step for you.  Hang in there....you got this.

Cheryl

2 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Wow one year, that's amazing. Congrats! 

That's also amazing that you didn't drink through your dads death.

Yes, living alone now feels hellish. I've lived alone before but always had my mother so this is totally different. I miss seeing her make her coffee, hearing the water she started running for her shower, talking about everything and anything. I wish I had more faith that she's in a better place.

We were together every day, talked non stop, did everything together. This feels like a different life. It's like everything got caught up in a whirlwind and turned upside down. I am not used to living without her. It feels so impossible. I was too  codependent on her for everything.

I am dreading donating her clothes. The thought of putting them in bags makes me sick.  It feels like a nightmare that won't go away. 

Trying to get through this morning. I did find a wonderful counselor from Hospice thank God. Most of them were not willing to take the time to talk or care. 

This person is wonderful and has been helping me daily on the phone. plus sending me different links to help.

I'm so glad you found someone.  I understand the being together every day.  Dad and I were very close.  I was a daddy's girl.  For the last 2 1/2 years I have taken care of him.  And I actually lived with them for a couple of months before he died.  It's tough.  Just keep coming here, work with the counselor, try to not to drink or at least limit your drinking.  I don't know if I mentioned this or not but I started doing video journals which does help getting it out.  Talk to her and don't rush yourself to get rid of her things.  Do it when you feel comfortable.  We haven't gotten rid of a single thing of Dads because we are not ready.  One day at a time.  We are here for you.  Hugs!

Cheryl

3 minutes ago, phoenixtag said:

Yep Cheryl...it does.

It does get better with time....but never goes away completely.

You're doing a great thing by reaching out.

Best to you.

 

Thanks for the kind words!

1 minute ago, rdownes said:

Very nice looking car!

Thanks!  very cool stuff

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

Yes, Cheryl. Thank you. See Mixing Grief with Alcohol: Will It Lead to Addiction?

Thanks so much Marty for sharing. Good reads!

Hugs and prayers coming your way on this tough day.  Thanks so much for sharing the pictures!

If I may touch on the topic of drinking.....I can relate.  I am a recovering alcoholic.  I have been sober for 1 year.  When Dad died I was worried that I would want to drink.  I didn't and I leaned on others to help me stay sober.  As Kayc said, it is a depressant so it just intensifies those feelings.  Only you can make those decisions but I'm just sharing from experience.  Although I struggle daily with this disease I am so grateful that I have stayed sober.  Me being sober is the only reason I am able to function.  I hope you can find the resources you need for assistance.  As Marty said, Hospice support is great so since your mom was on Hospice I would reach out to them.  They have been awesome to me.

Praying for you.

Cheryl

Tomorrow marks the 3 month anniversary of Dad's passing.  My mom called me a little bit ago and told me that she received several checks today from the life insurance for Dad.  I was in the car and when I hung up I just lost it.  By the time I got in my driveway I was sobbing so hard I could not hardly breath.  It is weird what sets it off.  Just the sound of it was like a smack in the face.  This just really sucks.

On September 11, 2016 at 9:32 AM, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

Hi everyone,

I stumbled upon this site and thought I'd post. I don't know what else to do. I lost my mother, my best friend about 3 weeks ago to bone cancer and I feel like I just want to die.

I haven't showered, enjoyed the pool, walked the dog. I can hardly get out of bed. I feel like I can't take it anymore.

I also got into a car accident two days before she died, broke up with my boyfriend, and lost my cat. I feel like everything is gone. I took it all for granted and it's all gone.

The boyfriend became abusive and all we would do is argue but I miss him so much on top of the loss of her. I can't bear it. Nothing seems to help at all. I also had to sell my house because I have no income coming in plus I hate living here.I only have so much time before I have to move. Whatever close family I had is gone and I was raised in this house.

I'm scared, weak, actually petrified. She was my best friend...we did everything together. I feel like I lost my legs plus I miss my ex bf and my cat. I just feel like I am going nuts.

Any help would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

First, I am very sorry for your loss. I just lost my dad 3 months ago so I know that alone is hell. You are dealing with a lot. Keep coming here. We may not be able to give you the right answers but you have our support and shoulders to cry on. 

I'm not sure what type of resources you have near you but maybe a support group or a local resource to help with home placement. Just thinking out loud. My one real recommendation would be to find a counselor. Dealing with the loss of your mom alone is enough but as someone being in an abusive relationship it is so important to work through that. I know because I still have ptsd from an abusive relationship from last year. One day at a time. Hugs and prayers. 

Cheryl

3 hours ago, kayc said:

When my fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying, I packed up everything he had at my place and left it with his roommate on the front porch the next morning.  You might want to put it in the garage where you don't have to look at it or tell him you're giving him ____ amount of time to come get it or it'll be donated to Goodwill or somewhere.  If he has anything of value, maybe send him a certified letter, give him 30 days (keep a record of it to protect yourself).  You aren't his permanent and free storage.  Barring legal counsel, that's what I'd do.

He has some clothes and tools but not a ton of stuff. I sent him a message this morning asking if he wasn't going to come get it did he want me to just donate it? No response. Just frustrating. No closure. 

My prayers to everyone who is going through this "non-family" situation. Death changes families in a bad way....not all of them of course but I see it more than not. 

Hugs to all. 

Cheryl

Yesterday I was feeling so good about the situation with my boyfriend "needing time" with no explanation.  Over 3 weeks and I still have nothing.  This morning I woke up angry about it because he still has stuff at my house and he refuses to respond to me to let me know when he is going to come get it.  This may be mean but I refuse to take it to him or ship it to him....it was his choice, not mine.  But now I find myself sad.  I keep asking "what did I do?".  I can't focus.  And right now I'm just venting so thanks for listening.

Cheryl

My dads stock car when I was little

1 hour ago, Annie0707 said:

I just want to say Thankyou, what a rollercoaster this journey is. I am feeling okay. 

I withdrew from my friends and made my circle small, I went to my doctor when I felt I couldn't go on and needed help, I cried and cried and Cried a little more. It felt like a relief.  I was given an opportunity for grief counselling but when I got the letter I decided it was not for me, not for now anyway. I am very into self help and herbal remedies but I really needed something, my pain was unbearable and my heart was battered and bruised after I lost my brother. The doctor agreed thatmy heart racing was not just a feeling but literally it was palpitating and juddery, I had an ecg, given prescription for propanenol and mirtazapine. They have helped me more than I can say, I found the strength to begin to eat, tablets helped me sleep and I was able to return to work. 

 

For or now I am feeling ok, and I'm stirring and beginning to feel again.. I don't know, the word feels wrong but .. Happy. 

I think I am blabbering on again sorry for that, when it comes to write words, it comes out a little scattered

but I am grateful for this feeling in this now moment 

 

love and peace to you all

we are all in this together

hugs to those who need one

hugs to those who don't.. 

that hug will help me too

Taking another step...

then another

 

 

 

So glad you are feeling better.  One day at a time.

Cheryl

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I'm glad your session went well.  Good for you!

Thanks!

5 hours ago, enna said:

I am smiling and so happy for you, Cheryl.   You so deserve to feel good. Good for you for doing what so many forget to do and that is to take care of YOU. 

Thanks!

On 5/5/2016 at 11:04 AM, Marg M said:

Hey, I can start a new topic, they are usually not of much substance and they don't last long, but I listened to the radio this morning on the way to local "Dollar Gentral." (If you have not seen the Dollar Gentral girls on You Tube, you need to watch them.) Good ole Louisiana gals, I believe.  Anyhow, this song hit me right in the middle.  I can personally tell you all why they say wait a year before you make any big moves.  I am not/was not sure I might have a year though.  Anyhow, a country station (yes, I did) and I've heard this song before but did not listen.  It is by Rodney Atkins.  

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

More words to it, but you would have to listen and some folks won't listen.  

I LOVE that song!!!  It fits for all of us!!  Thanks for sharing!

I finally made it to see my therapist today.  I had not seen her since March.  When I filled her in on everything that has been going on since then she was amazed that I was still standing.  We talked a lot about my dad.  She knew how close I was to him and that I had been his caregiver for 2 1/2 years before he died.  I found that just talking about it with her, crying and playing in the sand (yes, she has a little sandbox for her patients to mess with) it was like a burden being lifted off my shoulders for a brief moment.  I was in a safe place to grieve, say whatever I needed to say - good and bad - curse - cry.  I did it all.  She gave me some good suggestions but basically told me I have to take care of myself before I explode.  Next week is going to be all about a memorial to my dad to celebrate all the happy times.  She got to see some pictures today but she wants me to bring a bunch next week so I can share the good stories behind them.  After that...we move on to deeper things but first.....celebrate his life and how much he means to me.

I feel mentally and physically exhausted after it but it was good.

1 hour ago, Finch said:

Yes. It is. Sorry, I don't want to hijack this thread. I'm going through a weird time at the moment. Rejection/lack of acknowledgement/inability to find the answers I want and having to accept that, resorting to spending hours looking at mediums, physical health pretty bad, frustrations boiling over, dark thoughts and feelings of pointlessness increasing in frequency back to what they were a few months ago. So when I saw the thread title 'Losing it', it struck a nerve!

I understand.  Hang in there and always here if you need to chat.  We are all in this together.

8 hours ago, enna said:

I'm so glad this is working for you, Cheryl.  This app is free and allows you to create a password for your video diary. I know there are many ways out there and if you are using a PC this is one possibility. You also can upload your videos to YouTube and make them private. PM me if you need help. 

https://www.microsoft.com/en-us/store/p/video-diary/9wzdncrdmgbf  

Thanks Enna, I will try this tonight. 

I did the video journal again tonight.  Wow...I really love it.  I think this is going to be very beneficial for me.  Now I just have to figure out how to lock the videos.  Lol