Brianna

Update: I've had two appointments with the new Dr & I like him, I think we will be a good fit.

Update:: Called & I have an appointment with a new counselor, they have multiple people in this practice that accept my INS so hopefully I can find one of them that will work for me. Thanks Y'all for all of your kind words & support it is so greatly appreciated.

@rdownes, Thank you, I look forward to a day when its not so hard to smile. When it doesn't feel like I am smiling thru broken glass & having acid poured on my insides... the pain it just so intense when I am forced to fake it. I looked up another counselor & I will be calling tomorrow to try to get an appointment but then I have to go thru everything again... ::sarcastic:: woohoo ::eye roll:: I just can't believe this is my life. I just got the police report back with pictures & its killing me... I thought it would give me closure, I sure was wrong. It just opened a new can of s*** & dumped it on the pile. Added to my night terrors, thankfully I can't remember much thanks to my meds but I am covered in bruises & so sore. I just want a break, some peace somewhere & I can't find it.

@MartyT, Thank you & thank you for the links. I spent a few days on the blog from the last link you sent me. I really got a lot out of it, till the thoughts of what my friend said about me obsessing started to bother me, & that set me back a lot. It's either read or lay here & look at the wall. I try to color, journal or craft but it's short lived.. I try to watch movies but my attention span is too short. Even reading sometimes gets hard & I have to reread it over & over but atleast I feel some comfort or understanding afterwards. I'm so sick of the people in my life cuz when I am sad they just want me to snap out of it & enjoy the day it's like I'd rather be skinned alive right now then be fake another moment...

I was seeing a counselor, but at the end of our last session she told me they were closing with no notice, so now I have no counselor. nobody to talk to, I go to Grief Share but I don't feel like it helps at all. If he would have died naturally or of an accident it would help but suicide. I just feel like I am once again on the outside. The women are nice but I dunno it's probably just me & my own guilt & my own grief wanting to isolate me in another way. Everyone I know doesn't understand me anymore, they think I choose to be this way. But for me I wake up wanting to have a good day but the bad feelings are like a fog creeping in & eventually overtake me. I'm at a loss for what else to do. I've found a few things I enjoy eating & even 2 I don't mind making. I live on Monster to keep me awake because the medicine my DR put me on keeps me so sedated. I try & try but nothing feels good enough, when I'm acting I feel like I am dying inside but that's the only time people are "happy/proud' of me. Thanks for listening.... any imput would be greatly appreciated because I don't think I can continue this way.

I feel the same way, I can't keep up or remember or anything. Everyone says take care of yourself.... what does that mean exactly? when everything around you is crumbling. All I want to do is sleep & pee when I have to. I can barely remember to eat or drink. I've set alarms in my phone for these things... I can really relate to what you are saying... :hugs:

Thank you Kayc, I'm starting to realize that the people that I thought would be there for me aren't capable & the ones that didn't even think would have been more supportive than I ever dreamed they would be. Between his parents & my friends it's just so hard. It feels like everyday I'm climbing a mountain that I can never seem conquer. I'm so depressed even with the meds my Doctor put me on & I try to start my day positive but I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, I can never escape it. If I'm not crying I am still so sad & I'm sick of trying to mask it for others benefit.

Thanks ya'll, it made me start to question myself. I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't understand some of the things people say & do... I'm trying so hard but I feel like nothing I do is enough...

Thanks ya'll I feel like things should be getting better & those around me keep pushing & pushing me to do things & I just can't. I try so hard but I feel like a failure most days... I just can't seem to get it together. I had someone tell me today that because I am still going to Grief Share that I am obsessing. I'm so floored. I just don't even know how to respond. Like I am doing my best, what else can I do? Thank you Marty for the links they are very helpful ::hugs::

So lately I have been so scatterbrained. I can't find things. I put things in places I normally wouldn't & I forget to do the most simple things. Like last night, I went to dinner with some friends & I forgot to pay my tab!! Like what?! I am not that person! Thankfully my friend picked it up for me & I can pay him back later but I can't believe I did that!! Or like I went to Grief Share & forgot my book... what was I thinking? Where is my brain? Anybody else going through this? I feel like everything is overwhelming. Its just life, the most simplist of things can be overwhelming. A day that has more than a few things in it can overwhelm me... why can't I function?!

Thank you KayC :: hugs :: its just so hard when you start questioning you begin to question everything. I'm trying not to get in my head too much & just accept things for what they were. He was sick & there was nothing I could do or say to make him better, no amount of love couldve helped but I gave him good years & happiness so that means so much in the grand scheme of things I guess... Yea Marita it is, sometimes it feels like the elephant in the room is sitting on your chest & you have to remind yourself to breathe... I'm trying to take extra steps today to be more mindful & try to have a better day. I hope you do too :: hugs ::

Thank you for sharing that with me Robin & I hope I can get there too, I try to watch TV but someone suggested I watch Grey's Anatomy & I do nothing but cry while I watch it & now I'm so sucked in how can I stop? So every once in a while I sneak in a comedy but it doesn't make me laugh, I hope I can one day because I love my TV & Movies & I spend so much time looking at our photos & listening to our music & crying & talking to him/screaming at him that it would be nice to have a real break from all the emotions alone & just laugh.

Patty, I've had to do the same thing. I feel like every sentence starts off with is name or is about him so I just shut my mouth & then get secretly obsessive about the silence. That's why I find myself isolating because then I feel guilt about that too... Robin, Thank you your support means a lot to me you're always here. Why can't there be this magic anything we can do every once in a while just to get a little relief. I feel the body can only handle so much... I am so sorry Father's Day must've been hard, My SO wasn't a father but I felt pain for his father & missed out with my own in my grief. I have also told everyone no on the holidays but I don't think they believe me. The holidays are my favorite time of year but we just got so many things together, I can't look at them or unpack them yet. Just thinking of them makes bile rise, it kills me. Like you said I'll just wait & see... I can spin it into a positive & do it to honor him... I dunno...

Wow Marty that was amazing... I look forward to sharing that with my group. Thank you, I needed that so much ::sigh:: I didn't realize I was already doing some of those, thank you for giving me things to look forward to & work on. Thank you so much for the support, your wisdom is always so comforting. Mitch, I feel the same way... Its so hard. I miss him so m u c h... Everything reminds me of him & I think people are sick of hearing me whine about it but I don't know what else to do... I have moments of clarity sometimes where I have a better perspectives on things, followed by a swift kick in the pants that brings me right to my knees. Praying for God to please help me, comfort my pain. My birthday is coming up & I could careless, I wish it would just go away. My Mom is talking about the holidays & it makes me sick to think about them but I never know when it could be her last. Everything is so overwhelming.

It's been days now & I'm still in this negative space & I hate it!! I keep trying to start my days off on a positive note & then BAM like a thunderstorm it all comes raining down. I can't stand it! All the lies, all the hurt, the pain, the hopelessness, the loneliness... I just want to have one good day, one day where I can belly laugh without pangs of guilt & sorrow for laughing & being momentarily happy & thinking about the world of crap that is now my life. I don't want to think I love him but... anymore. I love him so much but was everything a lie? How can this happen? Why....? I don't know how much more I can handle. How can God keep putting so much on my shoulders? I'm on my knees begging for relief, I can't... I can't take anymore... this is too much... I need some support, I can't handle all this on my own. I keep trying to be strong but its just too much. I pray & scream & cry & do my grief workbook & go to therapy & group but nothing helps.... what else can I do?

I agree with everyone you have to be honest, I learned to say I'm hanging in here. People can sometimes see the pain all over you & they'll hug you if they really care & those that don't will move on. That way you don't feel obligated to talk about your feelings to people who don't truly care or you don't really want to talk to it about with. if they ask you are not being rude, you are being honest & that's what we are supposed to do. This is hard & those who really love us will stay & listen & give us the hugs we need & those who don't will ignore the sad eyes & move on. I pray you have a few better days on the horizon.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thats awful. I agree with you, I think death should bring us closer not tear us apart & I agree with you that your SO is lucky he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. My SO's parents had the gall to tell my SO's suicide was my fault after weeks of manipulating me & telling me they love me & so many lies. My SO dealt with so much manipulation from them & dealt with so much hurt from them, I shouldn't have been surprised when they lashed out at me but it spiraled me into a dark depression. but its like they say hurt people hurt people & they are very hurt & damaged people. Im so glad to know I am not the only one dealing with parents/family that is not being supportive & kind when it comes to the loss of my loved one. Its so sad that we are all having to deal with this...

Reading all these stories are so great I get chills. There was this bird my SO was really impressed by called a Grackle but he didn't know that at the time & he would be like, "Babe! Babe, come look at this bird! Look at it's wings!!" He loved birds. Well, I went outside today & my yard had to have a dozen of them in my backyard atleast & more in my front it was so magical. I was in total awe. After my bad days it was nice to see the outpouring of love from him, it was like he was like you wanna be mad at me we let me make you unmad real quick, like he always used to

I still can't cook, its too much. If it comes in a box or a bag & it can go in the oven or microwave I can do it but actually cooking like I used to is too much like we used to do it, I miss it so much. My living room hasn't been sat in by me in months. I just can't. I tried but like you said its like an elephant is sitting on me. Walmart, I rush in & out for dog food & go thru the wrong door & to a different one that is out of the way. It's crazy how similar but different our grieving is, no matter what the loss or how but we can all still relate. I'm so grateful to have found this blog. I come here whenever I am home alone & I feel less alone.

It's funny because I didn't go to the store for a month after he passed, I lived on whatever I had & Taco Bell. Food rotted in my fridge because I had made us special meals & couldn't stand to throw them out because then it was real. I couldn't handle being where we used to shop together, where we used to laugh & go isle by isle & spend hours talking & planning & doing our special things. I would get physically sick when I would pull in. I can totally relate to that. Thank you for sharing this with me, it means so much to know that I am not alone & that I am not some weirdo because I have been unable to do some of the simplist of things, that people expect me to do.

Robin thank you, I've had a dragonfly follow me around for 3 days & one night I came home & it flew into my sunroof & flew into my ear & then landed on my shoulder like he was whispering in my ear & telling me I love you & I got you. That's just one of thousands of signs I've gotten from him over the past 3 months. I feel so blessed sometimes. I'm so grateful for those signs, they get me by when I feel like I cannot possibly go on. Today I had our favorite butterflies land on my knee & just sit there looking at me & I just talked to it like I would him, telling it how I missed him & wished he was here to talk to & if it wasnt him to please take the message to heaven. Thank you for being here to listen.

Ya'll's support means so much to me & your kind words are overwhelming. In RL nobody understands. It's not a figurative alone, I am truly alone in this, everyone wants me to move on & forget about it & just be B already, but I can't. I have good days but they usually turn bad real fast with a song or something so simple. Then with the latest news I feel like it's going to be even harder to get understanding. I love him & I can't just stop doing that for anything. Thank you Gin, I go to a Grief group once a week & a counselor but I still feel stuck & I don't know if it's me or if I'm just being hurried in my process. Mitch, I do get signs from him all the time reminding me of his love & then I get feelings but I just wish he was here to tell me when I have that forgetting feeling but I guess that's what the signs are for... ::sigh:: I'm a cookey who believes in butterflies & dragonflies & birds & other signs that our loved ones can send us. Call me crazy but its happened to me too many times when I needed it for me not to, not just after my SO passed but also after I had family pass. It helped me get thru that period of not wanting to be alive without him early in my grief. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot right now. Kayc, Thank you so much & thank you for more places on here to look, being new here it's kinda like being new to a big city from a small town.

Thank you so much Katpilot & Robin, thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad I finally have a place where people understand me & my grief. It's such a blessing. I will hold on to the good times & try my best to not let the bad get me so down but know that everything he did was to protect me or Us & that it's okay to be angry, just not to stay stuck in that anger but to process it. It's my only saving grace if I don't want to stay stuck in this. I know of our love I just have to remember it when stuff like this happens since he is no longer here to remind me how much he loves me.

Thank you Mitch & George, I appreciate your support so much. ((hugs)) I don't have many to turn to with these feelings. That can understand anyway & anger is a hard one for me. I haven't been angry yet. Sad, bewildered, hopeless, depressed even, but not angry. I even lived in denial for a few weeks. But it's so hard to be angry with him. I love him so much & I just want to hug & kiss him & scream at him all at the same time. We were both imperfect people but these were big lies, foundation lies & now what do I do with them? I can't even talk to him so he can explain himself. I guess it's just another why in the stack of why's that's just growing & growing like black mold in my soul. I'm so grateful that I found this place & to finally be able to have a group of supportive people to chat with who truly understand. Especially when I am up all night afraid of sleeping because the nightmares always come for me.

I'm new here & I've had a horrible day. It's 3 months to the day since I saw the carnage my SO left behind when he passed by suicide & I found out all these lies today & I feel even crazier than I did before because I am so angry. How can you be angry them? How did this happen? I'm so confused. I feel so alone. I pray this blog can help me feel less alone, less crazy. I've lost family to suicide but it's never left me this shattered. Please help.