Hello Robert,
My mother passed away September, our relationship was very similar to you and and your mothers. I've been care for mom nearly eight years while working a full time job, she had been in and out of hospitals, rehab and you name it. Her main health issue was COPD and Pulmonary Fibrosis. Mom was 82 and had other health issues such as non-diabetic sever neuropathy, chf, bad back, shoulder replacement, week muscles....mom was on oxygen 24/7, regular daily nebulizer treatments, a ton of different medications and inhalers. Anyway my mother was my best friend, though my mother had seven children, I was her primary care giver, part of that being because I was/am a bachelor and I didn't rush her or make a big stink about doing anything for her. and believe me I did things for my mom that I would have never thought in a million years I would do, but I did out of pure love. My mom was a very extraordinary woman (Irish, Catholic) mom still had the accent as well.
Robert, my mom has been gone for three months and my heartache is worse now than when she passed away, I was there when mom passed, I held her hand and told her to let go and let God take you into his arms, she looked at me and said I love you and immediately passed away, I closed her eyes....I cannot get that image out of my mind as well as the five days leading up to her death.
My mom was my world, my purpose....now I don't care if I live or die....I have nothing. Like you I have been rationalizing my mothers death in that she suffered so and is no longer suffering....my mother would hate the fact that I am suffering from severe grief, she told me many times that she wanted me to go on with life, take care of myself and be happy. So far it's been total hell. I keep praying for Gods help (I am Catholic as well) some days are very difficult, some I get by pretty good....the bad days are very painful.
I've yet to be able to change or remove anything from her bedroom (other than the equipment and other items used for her sicknesses) other than that her bedroom is as it was.
I suffer from sever depression since 1994 and I am under the care of a physician (Psychiatrist) this sever grief totally over shadows severe depression....I never felt such heartache in my life.
My siblings are grieving in their own different ways, they do not understand why my grief is so great and is lasting so long....I think it will be a year before I begin to somewhat enjoy life.
Pray for me