Numb and Lost

Thank you <3 that made me cry. A good kind of cry.

It's just so unfair. I just still can't past the feeling of disbelief. It doesn't feel like he can really be gone. Just like that.

I do look at clouds from both sides now. I find myself looking up at them all the time.

Thank you Marie Lee. It's pretty much my only outlet. The rest of the day I walk around my house attempting to put on a facade as if my world hasn't fallen apart.

I have been reading through some posts and it's simple little things that hurt the most sometimes. I see some of your profile pictures and wish I could have one of him as well, but I must remain anonymous like a nobody. I see all the memories, messages, and nice things said about him on his Facebook wall and I wish I could share my memories and feelings as well. I feel like I am no one and every day that he is gone I feel more that way. I feel like I imagined it all and I question whether or not I was important to him at all, because every day he is gone he feels further away. I have no connection to him now that he is gone. Him dying without my resolving questions about how he felt and how I feel was one of my worst fears. I can't believe something I actually thought about and feared so much came true. I dreamed it, and I feel like maybe that was a warning I ignored. I dreamed someone posted a status that he died stating "RIP brother you will be missed" and I read that exact status a few months later in real life. Why?? And why didn't I take heed to that warning and say what I needed to say. It all makes it so much worse. I don't only struggle with his death I struggle with the guilt that I loved him at all. I feel like I deserve the pain and suffering for knowingly falling in love with a married man while I am married myself. I was just so drawn to him in a way I could never find words to describe. I feel like the pain isn't mine and I don't deserve comfort. I prayed the night before he died about the feelings I had. I knew it wasn't right and I just asked God for help because I couldn't stop loving him. I prayed that maybe I met him for a reason and even if I didn't know now one day it would all make sense, as if maybe we could be together one day in the future and it be right somehow. He died the next morning. I feel like God just took him away and it's all my fault. Like maybe my dream was a warning and if I had left him alone he would still be here. I am hurting so much and I don't know how to go on and live a normal life. I feel like if I was his widow I would cling to his memory until my death and stay married in my heart forever. But I have none of those rights. I know there was a connection there I can't describe. I know when I looked at him he looked at me the same way. Now I have to go the rest of my life with these painful unanswered questions, having not said what I needed to, and this guilt. My dream of "someday" is gone. It hurts so much to mourn someone that wasn't mine and never had a chance to be. I have no pictures of us together, none of his belongings, nothing. I only have screenshots of a text, and his pictures on Facebook. I will never ever ever be the same. I don't feel like I can ever be happy again, and I know I will never feel that again. I'm sitting on the couch now typing this, while remembering the last time I saw his face which was on a FaceTime call while I was sitting in this same spot. I can't believe I will never see that smile again. I just don't want to accept it and I don't know how. I don't accept it. I hope to see that smile again when I die. I hope God allows me to know him in heaven in a pure way despite how I knew him here. I wish I knew how to go on and live a happy life but I don't. It just doesn't seem real. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. I have felt like that since he died, but I don't know what. I always felt like I met him for a reason and there was something there I wouldn't understand until later. I just felt like somehow someway at some point in life we were meant to be together. When I met him 12 years ago he ended up moving and although I think I knew I loved him then there was no affair at that time. I was married and he wasn't at that time. He tried but I resisted. But I had a feeling something was to come of it. I just knew it. I ended up running into him a few years later and I remember thinking "and here it is." I still resisted but I ran into him EVERYWHERE after that and it was inevitable. It's just so strange because I still have that feeling that "it isn't over" and yet it has to be. I'm just dying inside. I think what if I had not resisted at first. Would things be different? Would he still be here? Pointless questions I know. I had every reason to leave my husband then. I loved him once but he has let me down so many times I've lost so much love for him and I don't even know if I even want to gain it back for fear he will let me down again. I've been through unspeakable things. That's why I don't understand why I had to meet him and lose him. I had been through enough as it was. Why is life so unfair to some of us? I think why did he have to die at 34 why couldn't he at least lived until 44, long enough for his kids to remember him. I know I'm rattling on and on. I am just in so so so much pain.

I also look at people and feel resentment they are still here too. I feel guilty for doing that but I can't help it. Today when I saw on my newsfeed that Bill Paxton died I thought well at least lucky for him he lived past 34. He didn't even get to make it to his 35th Bday. His children won't remember him they are so young. I wish I knew how to go on with my life. I don't feel like any of it is real.

I am like you I ask futile questions, and I haven't stopped since he died. In my head I know we all experience death and no one gets out alive but in my heart I just want to know why this happened to me as if I am a lonely victim. I ask why I had to meet him at all. My life had plenty of trials as it was much less meeting and falling in love with him and then losing him to death. I feel trapped too. I feel like I get up every day just trying to make it to the next somehow, but I am absolutely miserable. I feel guilty for feeling miserable because I do have blessings, but yet I don't want to do anything but lay around. I mostly look on my phone at Facebook. I search all the pictures he liked, and commented on. You can search "photos liked by" and they all pop up. It lets me see what he was looking at days before he died and makes him feel alive to me again. It just feels so strange for someone that is 34 to be here one day with hopes and dreams and the next day he is gone never to be seen again. I feel like the world looks different and I don't know my place or purpose anymore, like my entire life and being is just confused now. I don't understand why I had to love someone that I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Reading your post reminded me I'm not the only "victim" who has ever been through this, and I'm not the only person in the world hurting in this way. I certainly feel alone. I just feel like no one around me understands.

Thank you. I'm just so confused and lost. Every day is such a challenge.

I read somewhere that the peak of grief on average for most is around 3 months. I'm at 2 now and some days I feel like it is just hitting me that I truly won't see him again in this life. I was walking around in the grocery store today and it hit me I won't ever have that burning feeling of excitement and happiness again when I see his text message on my phone, and I just cried standing in the store. I feel like I don't have anything to really look forward to but dying. I feel like when my children grow up and leave me there will be nothing left to live for. I am just so broken and I feel so alone and no one around me understands. Not even the people who know. People compare it to when they lost their aunt or grandmother and it isn't the same at all. I loved him so much. He was everything I could want and he was never "mine" and people just don't understand how that makes me feel even worse. I feel like the world doesn't look right. I was driving in town where I've lived for 33 years tonight and nothing looked right. I don't even feel like I belong here or anywhere. With no connection to him, and having nothing of his it starts to feel like none of it was real and I'm just dillusional.

"Tears in Heaven" came on the other day when I was at the gym and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

It was me that heard the song. I was trying to quote you in response to some of the things you saw like the rock, but I messed it up somehow. I had never heard the song before that time. I can't believe that was a coincidence that I had just said that prayer then felt I needed to turn on the radio and heard it. I hadn't been listening to the radio at all because most of the time it gets me upset. God answered both my questions by letting me know he was there with him and I would see him again. There is also a line in the song "all the time it takes to figure it out" which is crazy because I have said from the beginning it's like I keep trying to "figure it out." I still have the feeling of trying to figure it out though unfortunately.

I have shared this on other posts but I was crying in my car one day just in absolute despair, and I prayed so earnestly that if God could just let me know somehow he was ok and in heaven with him, and that I could see him and know him again one day I could go on. I had been keeping the radio off but I was prompted to turn it on right after that. I turned it on to these lyrics from the song "Streets of Gold" It literally answered both of my questions.

That's what I keep telling myself too. I don't know how they handle it either that's the only thing that gets me through.

KayC Im sorry that you went through the bad ones to find the perfect one, and then lost him I feel like he isn't gone, like he can't be. My mind just keeps on and on trying to figure it out even though there isn't anything to figure out. I just can't accept him not being here, my mind isn't understanding it today. It doesn't make sense.

My grandparents and aunts/uncles that have passed lived to be 80-90. My parents were the youngest of their families. I've had quite a few relatives pass on all in that range. That's a long time from 33I am trying to do as KayC said and not think so much about the future. It makes it even more overwhelming when I do. I am still struggling with acceptance terribly in a way I can't find words to describe. I just don't feel like he can really be gone.

I can't think about him without feeling immense pain. I never got to say things I desperately needed to say, or ask him and all that unresolve makes it so much worse for me. I hadn't seen him in a long time and I couldn't wait to see him like we were planning. Sometimes when I kind of feel okay it's only cause I momentarily forget I won't get to hug him ever again or see his smile, not until I die anyway.

I am. I'm actually on a few different medications for the anxiety and depression and I feel no shame lol. The meds help but every day is still such a struggle. Just a struggle to make it one day to the next.

Speaking of imperfect.....well we all know that have read my story imperfect certainly applies to me! My guilt of the affair has made me have feelings of guilt for his death. My feelings are terribly confused. I try to figure out why I fell so hard and loved soemone so much whom I wasn't supposed to. I have had some moments of peace here and there lately, but I also have panic attacks that strike suddenly that make me not want to leave my bed sometimes. Sometimes I will just be working and out of nowhere I think of every conversation we ever had and it breaks me down and I try to start figuring it out all over again.

I feel like that too. Anything imperfect in relationships will be removed. I know we won't really understand until then how it will all work. I just know I have so much pain and confusion here in my earthly mind that I long for heaven.

I know it says in the Bible there will be no marriage in heaven but I don't think that means people won't know and love each other. I see how it would kind of have to be that way, just for that reason for people who equally loved two spouses that passed. But I believe we can't know or understand everything. If God felt relationships were important on earth I believe they will still have importance in heaven. Even if we aren't married in heaven I think we will have connections. Maybe they will be stronger and with even deeper understanding. I don't think he will leave us lacking for anything. Of course like I said before though right now my earthly mind is confused and just hurts.

I can understand that. I would be jealous too. I even thought that, that if his wife dies before me I would be envious. It's funny that the fact that "we are not married nor given in marriage" in heaven kind of bothers me because we weren't married anyway. I believe we will have special relationships though. Even though I know we will lack nothing and everything will be perfect there I still have my human earthly mind here and I worry so much about how we will know each other. I'm pretty sure I've said it before so forgive me I repeat myself a lot these days, but I wonder if the min he died he just saw me as sin. I have prayed that while I know the affair was wrong that there is some reason I love him so much. Ive prayed that at least some part of that friendship or love will remain and be pure one day. That is literally all that keeps me going is thinking about him in heaven. I have had such a bad two days. This morning I woke up in a panic. I just had all our conversations in my mind at once and all my shattered hopes. I remembered when I used to wake up and see if anything new was on his Facebook. When I feel that panic I don't feel like I can make it which is such a terrible feeling because there isn't anything I can do about it, well besides take a xanax which helped a little.

Yesterday I cleaned and organized some things. I played with my son outside. Today I couldn't get out of bed at all really. I try to do things that I liked before, hobbies etc but I don't feel like I like them anymore. I play the piano but now if I sit and play it I just end up composing a song so depressing and melancholy it makes me more depressed. I feel like I'm just waiting but I don't know what for.

I don't know if any of his friends know about me. I'm sure he probably talked about me to someone but I don't know who and if he did I doubt he used names as he was married too. You are right haha numb and lost is kind of impersonal I needed to be discreet and it was the first desperate words that came to mind when I signed up. Now I could just name myself "depressed and in denial." It's hard to describe but you may understand the feeling- I know it's real but its like every day I think something can happen to make it better or change my circumstances. I don't even know how to explain the feeling. Those words don't really accurately describe it. Like maybe I think I might find out I'm dying and so I will be okay. My mind is expecting something. Like I still have this false hope although there is none. I guess that goes back to my dreaming that I will call him in a few months and it will all be fine. Also I constantly try to work it out in my head, how he was here and I talked to him and now he is gone. It just does not seem like it can truly be real that he is gone forever. I haven't gotten out of bed today at all. It was such a pretty day but I just didn't care. I wish I could make myself care. I keep worrying about being here sad for 50 years when of course I don't know I could die tomorrow. But I just have this feeling, and this vision of me being here at 83 with this sad distant memory and pain. So sorry for your loss as well. I hope the memorial service helps with your grieving process. I know it does for some I guess. I don't think my emotions could have handled it even if I had been able to go. One of my friends said I shouldn't "memorialize him" as the affair was wrong. Coming to this forum has been one of my only outlets.

I just get scared it will fade because I didn't see him as much and it had been a long time since I had seen even at the time he passed. If my husband died I wouldn't forget anything because I see him so much and he is so familiar. That is the biggest pain in all this for me is that we were planning to see other within days and had talked so much about it. I had thought a lot about it and loooked so forward to it. We wanted it to be when we had time to spend and the last day I ever heard his voice was when he asked me to see him but we didn't have time. He said well it's ok we will just see each other tomorrow. The next day wasn't good either though and then of course he was gone. Not having that day makes it hurt so much more.

Yeah I find it makes it harder when I think ahead but it's hard not to. I have this fear the rest of my life will be spent in sadness. Even in moments of contentment like when I'm playing with my son I have this melancholy cloud over me that prevents me from being happy. Every day I feel like if I can just make it to tomorrow and I guess that's how I need to look at it, one day at a time. I honestly I'm praying for a rapture soon. I beg Jesus to go ahead and come get us. I felt really guilty about it all and I had been praying about it. Sometimes I think God took him because I didn't have the strength to stop loving him. But I pray I can still know him in a pure way in heaven. I think he struggled with that guilt too.