Numb and Lost

My husband is living but he doesn't know. It isn't anything I could ever confess. He has had a drug and alcohol problem in the past. He can be destructive and crazy. He isn't abusive as far as hitting or anything like that but he has made threats etc. There is just no telling what he would do. When he is sober he is a good person but its like he is possessed when he is on that stuff. Anytime he has a crisis or problem in life is usually when he relaspses so I know that would set him off. He has been sober for a while now but I always fear that he will relapse again. I do have one supportive friend that I talk to. My other friends that know haven't been very supportive. They don't really understand. We are in our 30's and one of my friends hasn't even lost her grandparents yet so I feel like she doesn't really understand losing someone through death at all. I have experienced death of several family members but they were elderly and it was expected or had extended illness and it was expected. It feels so strange to love someone so much that I have been intimate with in that way and had that connection with to know he is in heaven now. It just feels so weird. It's strange to have to continue on when the love doesn't diminish. All I think about is seeing him again when I die. I imagine seeing him again and having conversations. But that seems so far away. I just have a feeling I'll live to be 100. I can't even imagine that. I'm scared of his memory fading.

It's like when I was a kid if there was an event I looked forward to that was coming up like a vacation during the summer, I would try to take a nap to make the long days of waiting shorter. We are making our days shorter just trying to get through them to make it to the next day when it starts all over again :'(

Today I just feel like this will never ever get any easier. I have moments maybe even half days when I'm okay but then when it hits it is just as bad as the first day. It doesn't hurt any less. The confusion is not less, if anything it's more. I dont feel like I can ever enjoy life again. I try. I do everything I can to try but it doesn't work. At the end of the day I feel like I can't go on. It's so terrible as I'm sure everyone on here knows because there is nothing we can do about it. I would never commit suicide but sometimes deep down I hope I will find out I have some sort of terminal illness. I feel incredibly guilty for even typing that, but I'm just in so much pain and I would be lying if I said it wasn't true. Thinking I might have to live with this pain for 50 or more years is frightening. I know I would never really want to leave my kids and I have wonderful blessings to live for. But it still hurts so much. If only God gave us one more chance to talk to someone just to say goodbye or ask and say things we didn't get a chance to. In this situation (an affair) it hurts so much to mourn for someone I shouldn't have and wasn't supposed to have even loved. I would love to go sit at his grave just to have somewhere to go but I can't. I would love to cry with someone that loved him too but I can't. I would love to have anything that I could physically hold in my hands to remember him by but I have nothing. I feel like it's all my punishment that I will pay for the rest of my days. Nothing in my lifetime has ever given me the feelings that he did. Nothing could ever compare to his smile. I'll never even know if he felt as strong as I did at all, and I have to go my entire life wondering. Everything just seems so pointless. It's been two months and yet it feels like he still been gone much longer. It doesn't seem right that the world just continues without him in it as if he were never here. My friends tell me that I have to let him go and focus on what is here. But I can't erase his memory or even set it aside. One person said eventually I will put it "all in a box" and be able to go on. I'm continuing on right now, but I am just on auto pilot trying to make it through each day. I can't imagine it will get any better and I certainly don't imagine I will be able "to put it in a box." I will love, mourn, and miss him for all of my days. I just don't feel I want to be here.

Last night I dreamed that I was talking to my friend and I said "should I just maybe give him a few months and call him then?" as if it was a breakup and he just doesn't want to talk to me and that is why he isn't around. I have had a few of those dreams where in my dream I think oh he will call me in a few weeks. Or either in my dream I'm trying to find out where he is. It just isn't getting better. It's 10am here and I don't want to get out of bed.

It has definitely smacked me in the face last night and today. I had a few good days and it has hit again just like you said-like a tornado. I'm just a complete and total basket case today. I've always had problems with depression even when things are good so this on top of that I just don't know how to deal with. I have went to a counselor, a psychiatrist, etc. But ultimately of course none of those help because it doesn't bring him back. I'm so sorry that we all feel this way and have to be part of this terrible terrible club.

The way you said naive makes me think of myself. I guess I was just naive to think it couldn't happen to me. I had that dream though and I had feared it. Usually when you fear something so intensely it doesn't actually happen. Every day I am still shocked it has happened. I know that we are all shocked but something about it just doesn't seem real at all. I had a few good days but I am really struggling today. I struggle so much because I feel like he was the absolute love of my life and yet he wasn't mine. It just makes me hurt even more. I get so confused because I know adultery is a sin but I feel like all that I felt for him couldn't have been all wrong. When I got married I was really young and I knew my husband had problems but I did it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I hadn't have done that I would have met him because he was really who God had picked for me but I messed it up. I just don't understand why I feel so strong for him. It's like I always just felt a connection to him. When I met him in 2005 and nothing happened then in my heart I knew that it would. I knew that somehow someway he was destined to be a big part of my life and my heart. It's funny because I still feel like that even though he's gone. When I told my friend I would see him again she got worried and emphasized that I will not on this earth. Well I know that. It's funny hearing that still stings though. But I feel that maybe he hasn't forgotten me and I WILL see him again. I know I've said over and over that I'm afraid when I get to heaven we won't have any type of relationship because of how I knew him. But something just tells me that I will. I feel like I will get to have some special type of friendship or something. I need to talk to him so bad. I am just in tears as I type. I just need to know if he felt the same. I don't know how I can go another fifty years in life not knowing.

I'm sure I've already said it somewhere else but I used to meet him at this place (being discreet by saying "this place" just in case his family happens to joint this forum-not likely but just in case) I found just a few days after he died something in my house with that specific logo on it of the place where we met. At first it just made me really upset. I asked my husband where it came from and he said some man down the st gave it to him. Now I'd like to think that was his way of saying hi or letting me know he's ok.

Martha Jane that story made me tear up a bit. When I went to his grave at night it was also raining. Ironic because when he was alive we kept joking about waiting on it to rain so he could be off work so we could see each other. Death is so hard and the worst possible thing to go through in life because it is the one thing there is no hope for while we are here, and nothing can fix it. During a break up or an argument with someone you always hope. When someone is sick you can hope. But when someone dies there is none. No one has ever made me feel like he did. I am so scared years and years will go by and I'll barely remember the times I had with him and how he made me feel. Right now it is all so fresh in my memory as though it happened today. I just have this image of 50 years from now and me thinking about him in a faint distant memory. It hasn't been quite two months yet and while it seems like I talked to him five min ago at the same time it seems like it was forever ago.

Martha Jane, I often wonder about little things like that, like the rock you found. I have had a few little things happen. I wonder all the time if he can remember our conversations or if he knows anything about what I am doing. I hate that we never got to do things together like get pizza. It hurts so much to love someone I didn't even really have the right to love. I think that's one part of it that hurts the most. I just kind of feel like nobody in the scheme of things, now that he is gone. I have no connection to him what so ever and it hurts me so much. I know I have to go on with life. I have a long way to go but I just don't know how to let go. I wish I could visit his grave. I went once at night. I don't want anyone to see me there I don't want to hurt anyone. He was cremated but the ashes were buried. Sometimes when I think of how gorgeous he was then it pops in my head that he is mere ashes now and it makes me have a panic attack. Thinking about his body being burned is more than I can take. I know he isn't in that body anymore but it still hurts.

As you can see from my rambling above my thoughts are a lot like yours. I'm just totally fixated on seeing him again in heaven. I don't eat much either. I just now started eating a little better at least on some days. A lot of times though I think I might be hungry and then when I sit to eat I think about it all and I can't. I feel like I have such a long time to go in this sadness as I'm only 33. I can't imagine living in this pain for 50 years if I live to a natural age of death. I don't want to die and leave my babies of course, but I just don't want to hurt like this. But at the same time I'm so so scared of forgetting how he made me feel. I knew him for 11 years and there was never one time that he didn't just take my breath away and make my heart skip beats even just talking to him. Sometimes I think what if he can see all this I would be embarassed about just how obsessed I am haha. But I just love him so much.

I'm sure she does. And I don't know her I just saw her in a smiling pic on fb and someone told me they saw her out with friend this past Friday night. Some people are just like that though. They know they have to make the best of it and go on. Unfortunately I'm not. I'm more in a drown in my misery kind of person. I certainly have no desire to go out with friends. I have taken my kids places and of course I'm married so I have to pretend to be as normal as possible but it's pretty evident to everyone I'm not myself. But this is the new me. I won't be that me again. The video only has a few words of him speaking but I'm still so thankful I found it. Now I just wish I had something physical to keep like his shirt, sunglasses, watch etc. I'm sure I will never have a chance to have any thing like that though. It's crazy that it's almost been two months now and yet it still just doesn't seem like it can be real that he is gone forever. It's like I constantly try to wrap my head around it and "figure it out." Sometimes I wish I were one of those people that just pushes through and finds a way to "be strong" but I feel like that would just be a lie. I see now how everything I did was somehow thinking of him. If I worked out it was in hopes to look good to him, or if I bought something to wear, did something new to my hair, posted a picture on Facebook it was all in desire for his admiration. When I left traveling for work I hoped to see him out traveling for his job, or I liked to just think about him being out too while I was driving. I always liked thinking about what he was doing. Now when I walk out to leave in the morning everything just seems so pointless. I loved how his texts caught me by surprise sometimes. He usually text a certain time of day and sometimes around that time I still look at my phone thinking about it. It just doesn't seem real. It doesn't seem real that I will NEVER again see one of his texts again. Ever. How I would give anything to go back. It's like my only focus is getting through life to see him again and I know I shouldn't be that way. I have a family and wonderful kids that are my heart. But once you have felt that strong about someone it is so so hard to know you have to carry on through life and never feel that kind of happiness again. And then of course I have guilt that God took him away because of our adultery. I have guilt for feeling so strong for someone that wasn't mine. I feel such sadness that he wasn't ever mine. I have guilt for longing to see someone in heaven that I only knew out of sin, and wondering if I can even know him there. But that thought of seeing him again is all that gets me through. I just imagine me dying and him being there smiling how he always did and then I'll know he was ok all that time. I know I have rambled on and on this morning. I just have so much on my mind, as I always do.

I found a video today that has his voice in it. I searched and searched. It's crazy I found it really. It's on one of his friend's Facebook pages. It's a video of their kids and he happens to be in the background talking. I have played it and played it and played it. Everyone still thinks I should be better by now. I don't understand how. Even his wife seems to be doing better than me. Or maybe she is just stronger than me or puts on a better front I don't know. I have so much guilt and so many unresolved feelings. I feel like I'm just dying inside a little more every day.

I have a written a few letters. I basically just prayed and asked if Jesus would show him the letters. I don't know if he can see them or not but just thinking he might makes me feel like I'm not talking to myself. I'm having such a difficult time. I just can't seem to find joy in anything. I feel like I have such a long time to go that I will have to feel like this. I'm 33. I also have a few friends that have made me feel so much worse. I had to take a xanax after I got off the phone with her yesterday because it made me so upset. It's like they downplay the relationship I had with him, and they say things like "well it doesn't really matter now he's gone" that statement stings so much. Just because he's gone doesn't mean my feelings have changed. His memory and how he felt matter to me.

AB3, Yeah I think we always think something might have made it easier. Like I think if I had seen him one more time it would be easier, when the truth is nothing could make this easier. I do wish I knew if he felt as strongly as I do. Now I will never know. That is crazy you have those dreams too! Sometimes he just dies a different way in every dream. I haven't had even one dream of him being alive and normal. In a way I wanted to do I could "see" him again, but then again I don't because I know it will make it worse when I wake up. How long has it been since you lost your fiancé?

Thank you. Did it get better for you or to a point that you found joy again? How long has it been since your loss? My friend lost a boyfriend and she said it took four months before she didn't cry every single day anymore. I'm doing good if I go two hours without crying.

I keep having dreams about either finding out about his death all over again, or finding out that he's been in an accident and he is still here but dying. In my dream I try to find away to at least see him before he dies. I pray in my dream for a miracle. Twice I have had a song playing very loudly in my head right before I wake up in my dream and then it stays in my head after I wake up. Both times the song has had something about death in it. Once it was Bryan Adams "Everything I Do" and the music was really loud with lyrics playIng "I'd die for you" right before I woke up. This morning I again had the dream he was still alive but dying. Then in my dream I couldn't remember why I was depressed and hated my life. I put my headphones in my ears in my dream and "Life is Beautiful" was super loud at the part that said "Open your eyes and see that life is beautiful, will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral" Then I woke up and it just stayed in my head. I have mentioned in other posts that a few months before he died I dreamed I looked at Facebook and saw a status saying he had passed. It said something along the lines of "you will be missed RIP brother" and his name. Well that is how I found out in real life. Exactly that "you will be missed" and the guy referred to him as brother as they were good friends. All of these things are just so strange to me. I have so much regret. After I had that dream I woke up so relieved and thought that would be the worse thing ever if he died without me being able to see him again or talk about how I really feel and say things I needed to say. But you really don't think your worse fears will come true. We had been trying to see each other for two months and couldn't get it together. So he did die before I got to see him again or before I could say things I needed to say. We were both looking forward to seeing each other so much. There's just so much regret and hope lost I can never be happy much less I don't even know if I can be sane or content. I am utterly and completely devastatingly hopeless.

Thank you. This place is probably the only place I can do where I feel like I'm understood. Even when I have seen the counselors I feel like they are looking at me like I should be better than this by now. One of my friends said he wasn't not the end all be all but for me I guess he was. He was the end all be all as far as truly knowing what loving someone feels like. I could never feel about anyone like I did him. And it hurts so much but he wasn't even "mine" that just makes it so much worse. I just sit here and cry and cry and cry even while I'm typing this. Every moment I'm just begging Jesus to rapture us away because I'm in so much pain. It was just so sudden he was here one day smiling at me and gone the next.

That is awful for your sister I can't even begin to imagine going through that and then for her to have to realize she lost her child. I would never be strong enough to make it through that. I don't know if I can make it through this. I feel so guilty for saying that because I have my family and children, but I just feel so hopeless. I just hits me like a ton of bricks every.single.morning.

Me too. I felt better for a few days but right now I feel completely hopeless and find joy in nothing. Even if something makes me smile for a second the gloom suddenly overshadows it. If I do eat a normal amount I just get sick later. I used to work out all the time and had a pretty athletic build but now I just keep losing and my rib cage kinda shows. It isn't very bad but I had worked pretty hard at what I was before. I still do workout hoping it will help me but I find that I just really don't care. Just like I don't care if I put on makeup half the time or anything else. I saw another counselor but it just doesn't do any good. I just don't want to be here feeling like this for the rest of my life.

Thank you all. Last night I wrote him a letter and just asked Jesus to show it to him. I don't know if that is something Jesus would do or not, but just the thought that he might gave me some comfort. I tried to keep busy today doing things, and even when I'm busy right in the middle of something I have that shock of realizing he's gone over and over again. I know it but it's just so hard to accept. People who haven't been through this just have no way of understanding what it is like to have memories of being with someone, remember his face and voice so dearly and yet he isn't here anymore. I do believe I will see him again, and that is the only thing that beings me comfort. I feel at peace at times and then it just hits me so hard.

I thought I might be doing a little better this week, but it's like it smacks me in the face and I just panic. I was already having terrible anxiety but I was functioning. For some reason I felt I had to know the details of the accident. I had such a terrible image in my mind I thought maybe the truth would be better than what I was imagining. The information came from the paramedic on the scene and it wasn't better than what I imagined. It was just as bad. I do think he died instantly though. But when I think of him all of a sudden I see that image. It was very very bad. I have never felt any sort of panic like I felt yesterday. My heart rate, BP was high, shaking so bad I couldn't hold things. It was so bad. I was able to calm down with a small dose of xanax. But I found myself again this morning just completely distraught. I wrote a letter and asked Jesus if he could show it to him. I don't know if he does stuff like that or not but just thinking he might gave me a little comfort. I just think about the fact he's gone and I hear him and see him in my mind and I just get so so sick. What few people know seem to think I should be getting better which is just a slap in the face. It's been a month and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I just don't feel like I will ever feel any happiness again. It hurts so much.

My grief is pretty fresh as well, he died in an accident at Christmas. At first I literally ate nothing for days. I just drank Gatorade and sprite and crackers and such when I could. Even when I think I'm hungry sometimes I will sit down to eat and I think of him and I just can't eat. When I take a xanax I can eat a little better now. It just calms my thoughts enough for me to feel a little ok. I've lost about ten pounds, around 127 now. I have been having panic attacks that are so bad I feel like I'm going to die at times. I just start shaking and my heart races I can't breathe it's terrible. But I am a little better with eating now, at least on some days.

Thank you

I'm 33 and I can relate to some of that. I just said today to my friend I'm not one of those people who tells myself to "be strong, I can do it" and push myself through the day. When I feel like breaking down that's what I do. I don't have any need to try to appear strong or hide it. Well I have to hide it due to my situation but around the people that know I'm not going to pretend to be ok when I'm not. That's just not me.

That's true. I like to think he knows at least some of what is going on. I would like to think he can still think about people here. Then of course, I again wonder, well now that he is in a place void of sin can he or does he want to think about me.