TomPB

On 12/28/2021 at 2:40 PM, nashreed said:

Tom- I haven't been on the Forum long enough to know your story, but I'm happy that you have found someone. It seems that widows are the only people who would understand what this grief journey does and could accept that your heart will always be with your lost spouse. At the same time, it seems there aren't nearly as many widows who would be interested in another relationship as men are. I remember my grandpa, who after my Mom's mother passed, remarried a widow within six months (he also had a whole senior mobile park full of choices it seemed, as he had to remarry again after his second wife passed). It makes me angry that I have this nagging feeling that I need to have a relationship. Why can't I just accept being alone?  It seems more likely to get struck by lightning than to find another partner in this day and age. It's amazing you were sent a new love.

I have wrestled with seeing a psychic for a year and a half. Somehow, my Catholic upbringing is preventing me from taking that leap. I only know one thing for sure- Annette is in Heaven. I don't know if she can visit me or hears me, though I talk to her daily anyway. It seems to me that contacting her through a psychic would be "wrong", like bothering her. Like not trusting the process. I would love to know more about what you learned from these visits, Tom. The prospect of Annette being able to intervene in earthly affairs is fascinating, but I am so conflicted that I would even want that. Isn't that betraying my marriage? It's all very confusing. I do know that I'm miserable and alone and the prospect of a future without anyone is scary. I wish all the members here could live in a community together so that we could all look after each other. It's not even about having a "love" relationship- it's about the horrible emptiness of not having someone who understands, to talk to and be there every day- the companionship. I dread having all this life left and no reason to be here. 

James

James, thanks. I try to speak for myself. Everyone is different. For me, after 48 years in a soulmate relationship, being alone did not feel OK. OTOH, I thought there could never be anyone else but Susan, and that she would be with me in spirit. Very conflicting. Another thing is that Susan had taught me how to be loving, and my instinct was to use that. My therapist told me to try online dating, and I finally agreed. After a few dates it hit me that I'd rather be with my non-romantic neighborhood friend Carol than anyone I'd sen online, so I asked her if we might upgrade our relationship and that was what she had wanted all the time! 

This was after I had been a compete zombie for about 2 years. Susan died on 3/31/17. We didn't think she had any health problems, but she left in 5-10 minutes while she was in the bathroom and I was in the living room. After 48 yrs I didn't even get to say goodbye. We had left for vacation in the Islands 3/1/17 and she was going up the hills like a teenager. Leave for vacation 3/1, gone 3/31! All I wanted to do was die too. However,  did slowly come back to life. Everyone has a different trajectory. For me the PTSD lasted about 2 years. Everyone is different. The most important thing was sharing with others, especially others with grief. This forum was a big help. Isolation is poison.

RE the psychic, I didn't initially seek her out. I got an email from my sister who said she was seeing a psychic who said out of nowhere "your sister in law is here" and continued with an amazing message requiring knowledge that nobody but Susan would have. I was stunned. So, despite being a very skeptical scientist, I took it seriously, and had 2 sessions on my own. Losing Susan has opened me up to just about anything. I too was raised Catholic but I don't think about that much now.

Best wishes for finding the path that is right for you!

TomPB

Hello friends,

I haven't been here for some time but I'll never forget how you helped me in the two years or so after 3/31/17 when I was traumatized. This time of year I remember the trips to Susan's huge family in Richmond, the long drives, and the rituals we'd developed, like crab cakes - Susan was the head chef. The first two after she departed were horrible for me. I understand that pain and have the deepest sympathy for anyone going through it.

The miracle is that I have a new partner and we are in love. She is as unconventional as me and as different from Susan as is possible, except for having the same loving heart. She also lost a partner and we talk freely about Susan and Larry. I talk to Susan, silently, every morning and she doesn't mind - in fact we agree that Susan brought us together. I know this path is not for everyone. I was positive that I'd never have another partner - in fact I just wanted to die - but it just happened. I probably posted this here before, but Susan spoke to me through a psychic and said that she would always be with me but I needed flesh and blood, and she would send me a new soulmate. Sorry if that's too weird. Anyway, at least in this case, new love was possible when it had seemed impossible. If that gives anyone hope, great. 

I'll be retired as of next week, even tho I used to say they'd have to drag me out the door, so many changes ahead but it's good.

Love, TomPB

21 hours ago, joe57 said:

Thank you for posting this, Tom. I lost my beautiful and precious queen about a month ago. I’m grieving but I don’t think I could ever let her go, nor don’t believe I want to. So there are those of the opposite sex who are thinking the same thing. Again, thank you and I wish you both the best. 

Joe, I could never let Susan go, nor do I want to. She is in me. Confusing as it may be, I'm in touch with her spirit even as my relationship with another mortal develops. 

First month was absolute hell for me. Hang in there, reach out, share. I try very hard to speak only for myself. Eventually things developed that I never imagined possible. Best wishes for a better 2021.

Sorry for being away so long. This group gave me essential support after I lost Susan, my soulmate of 48 yrs, on 3/31/17, with no warning. I cried every day for about 2 yrs. 

Long story short, I'm about 1.5 yrs into a committed relationship with another amazing woman, Carol. I didn't believe that was possible and it's still hard to believe that she loves me so much, but she does. I am very blest to have the love of 2 such women. In some ways she's completely different from Susan but in the important way of being sweet and loving she's very much like Susan. An essential feature of our relationship is that she lost a partner of 28 yrs and we talk with complete freedom about our lost partners. I talk to Susan a lot and ask if she minds having Carol in the space she so carefully designed and she says not at all, in fact she sent Carol to me. Still it can feel disorienting to be doing the same things that I did with Susan. Cooking our special holiday meals. We went to St John in March in the last week before everything changed, and saw where Susan and I had our honeymoon. We started sailing together. Susan was my perfect expert sailing partner. Carol is a beginner and almost got me seriously injured last summer, but she loves it.  Susan loved the ocean at Ptown and so does Carol. We rented the same condo where Susan and I stayed. Sometimes it's "is this really happening"? Carol even calls me 🐼. Whew!

Everyone's Grief is different.  Speaking for myself only, a new relationship obviously was possible, even though I didn't think so. I'm more happy than I ever though possible in the period of intense trauma. I would be in a very bad state this far into the pandemic without her. If that helps anyone, great.

Thanks Friends. It would be nice if this gives someone hope. While being mainly wonderful, it seems very strange and challenging sometimes. I'm a creature of habit and very slow to change, and 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan has shaped my psyche very strongly. Someone besides Susan calling me 🐼? OMG! Navigating a new sexual relationship at my age? OMG! I ask Carol "Are you really here?" The adventure continues. Best to all for 2020 Tom 🐼

I'm very sorry for my sudden disappearance last spring/summer. I love you all and you have been a great support. Here's an update.

My counselor had told me to try dating after 2 yrs. I was skeptical that I could find another partner after 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan, but I did feel like I was coming back to life a bit and went ahead. I didn't find the prospect of a relationship with any of the women I met online appealing. Meanwhile I had a friend, Carol, who I always described as "my non-romantic friend". It slowly dawned on me that, if anyone could be a new partner for me, it was Carol. So one night I asked her if we might try being romantic friends, and actually that was what she had been wanting. So, I am part of a couple again. Carol is an angel and her sweetness reminds me of Susan. She also lost a partner of 28 yrs and we talk freely about our lost loves, which I think is essential. She came to my family Thanksgiving. It was like bringing the GF home to meet the parents. Everyone loved her, and she loved them.

I know I am not replacing Susan. This is a new chapter. However I can't help repeating some of the things I'd do with Susan, and sometimes it feels a little funny or awkward. We decorated my jade tree for Christmas, just like Susan and I did. I make her pancakes and we went to Ptown last summer, to the same rental I used with Susan. Instead of going to my raucous family Christmas we'll have a romantic one with just us two, just as we always did. I might even make my cod and lentils. With Carol here I'm not hanging my "Susan and Tom" stocking, which feels a bit disloyal, even tho Carol is amazingly comfortable with all my pictures of Susan. When I asked her about taking my ring off, she said "Why woud you do that?" Amazing. 

I know some of you are in the "No, Never" category on a new relationship. Believe me, I understand and I could have gone that way too, but Carol is a miracle in my life. When Susan spoke to me through Cindi the Psychic she said she would send me a new soulmate, and I believe she did. I continue talking to Susan, tho now it is largely getting her advice on the new relationship.

Best wishes to all in this season that can be so hard...Tom

On 5/31/2019 at 10:03 PM, Johnny said:

Yes Tom,

I like that you said "imagine going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit". Wouldn't that be such a wonderful thing! Imagine getting to hear from your loved one just once more after they passed and what they might have to say now that they can see the great sorrow in the loved one that they left behind to live a life without them.

I think Rene'e would say "baby, I am so sorry for all of your tears". "Know this, for all time, that you were the greatest love in my life and I would never have wanted to see you suffer in my absence". "I was so happy to have found you and share the love we had for each other". "I always wanted to spend every hour of every day by your side". "My last hours on earth were with you and only you." "When your final moments come, think of me, and our love together, with a smile". "I love you baby".

I think that what Shirley says must be true.

Thank you Tom. 

Johnny, yeah, I know Susan wants me to enjoy the rest of my life, and I know it hurts her when she sees me in extreme pain. I know I made her happy - I can see that in the smile on her pictures. The confusing part is that I think she also wants me to have another partner. My counselors and siblings tell me that I'm a person who needs a partner. So I flip back and forth between two different attitudes, from thinking that Susan was my one and only to thinking that I will start a new direction. From thinking that my only real life was being T&S snd I'm now stuck in a fake life, to thinking that the rest of my life is real too. I know that several regulars here say that another partner is impossible for them, and I totally get that, and feel that way myself often. But other times, I've started testing the waters. After 48 years of unconditional love from one woman I'm about as clueless at this as you can get. I wonder if I can have a close relationship with my mind full of Susan. I don't want to hurt anyone by presenting myself as available and bailing because she's not Susan. . It's a strange new world, but I'm exploring it...

Birds are one way we communicate across the divide. My first sailing after I lost Susan a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders as we were motoring to pick up the mooring and was in no hurry to leave. Looked like it was watching over us. Never happened before or since in 30 yrs sailing. This year on the 2 yr anniversary 3/31/17 a Mourning Dove, Susan's favorite, landed in one of our window boxes and started nesting. Cindi the psychic told me the Dove was not Susan but she could influence her as to where she would sit her eggs. I believe.

6 hours ago, CairnLady said:

Sometimes I become furious and hateful towards my husband for dying on me and leaving me to suffer this way. 

Then I become riddled with guilt for feeling that way.

Yes, I tell Susan she took the easy way out and left me in grief world. She says she didn't want to but had no choice. Then I think that I always tried to protect her and by going through this nightmare I'm sparing her from it. That's a little comforting.

On 5/11/2019 at 9:37 AM, JTP said:

Another Saturday. The calendar tells me it is 21 weeks (147 days) today since Bob died on December 15, 2018. I disagree - it was just a few minutes ago.  We had finished decorating the tree, putting up some outside decorations and were out in the yard playing with the dog. It was 4:30 pm. It was a perfect, ordinary day. We spent it together. Happy doing little things. I came in the house - Bob stayed outside to get some Christmas gifts out of the car. I got ready for the hot tub. Went to get a glass of wine for Bob - looked outside and there he was lying on the ground. I ran outside and as soon as I saw him I knew he was gone - I will never forget his eyes. I call 911 and started CPR. Help arrived but Bob was gone. He had no history - no symptoms. How could this have happened? Why did he no stand a chance? 

I have had the greatest support system anyone could ever ask for - and yet - it has done no good. Bob is still gone. I cannot accept that. I wait and wait and wait. The nightmare has to be over soon but it goes on and on and on. My heart breaks more and more every day.

I have reached out to grief counsellors - no help there. As a nurse and bereavement counsellor in the past - I know all the "stages", I know you have to "go thru it" - it is all crap. No one understands. The pain consumes. It has an energy all of its own.  I have no energy - I have no interest. I have a dog who gets me up every day. I can't do what I did with Bob and I can't do things I never did with Bob. And don't dare tell me I am stuck!!! One person told me this reaction was my "choice" - and then whenever I "choose" to move forward - let him know and he would help. All I learned from him was how to say NO - when he asked if I would like to talk to him again - I said NO. The second person at least had some empathy but all else she had was a checklist - do this, this and this - it might help. Otherwise time and btw - I know this is awful for you. 

I wake up everyday - Bob is not beside me. I go to bed every night - Bob is not beside me. In between - there is nothing. 

My soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life is not with me - he cannot talk to me, he cannot hold me, he cannot kiss me or love me. I miss him so much. No one understands. Do you?

Yes, I understand perfectly. I had exactly the same experience on 3/31/17. Couldn't even say goodbye after 48 yrs of unconditional love. Changed from a single entity Tom&Susan to being alone in 5 min with no warning. This kind of loss adds trauma to grief. I've had the same experiences with people with a timetable for "getting over it". But I have had a great experience with a grief counselor. I think that's because she has had her own losses, the long death of her husband and the sudden death of her daughter. The shared experience makes the bond. Best wishes TomPB

On 5/17/2019 at 8:02 PM, iPraiseHim said:

Today is my wife, Rose Anne's, Birthday. I woke up melancholy and blue. This is the fifth birthday she is celebrating in heaven. I really miss her today.  I continued a tradition we started years ago. I bought a meal ( non-KETO) and thoroughly enjoyed it with her.  I am reminiscing about our life together. The meal tasted good but it is just not the same as being together and present.  Happy Birthday, my love. - Shalom

I feel with you, George. In June and July I have our wedding anniversary and Susan's birthday within 3 weeks. I remember all the good things and the precious rituals but the loss is still the main thing I feel. 

On 4/27/2019 at 7:34 AM, shebert56 said:

Johnny, you will one day be able to view those special, intimate items with less grief and more gratitude.  Blessings to you for having someone special in your life in which those memories are made.

Remember, the reason it hurts so much is because the love was so good.

I am approaching May 2 which is Stephen and my 10th wedding anniversary. My spirit is connected eternally to his, so each of those will be marked as an anniversary (as opposed to "would have been").

The love is eternal between your spirit and Rene'e's.  The spirit connection is never broken.  She just lives in another frequency.  But oh she does live!

Hugs,

Shirley

 

Johnny, yeah, I'm hoping for what Shirley says, not there yet.

I'm reading Christina Rasmussen's "Where did you go". First chapter is imagining going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit. She says make up your own concept. So I imagine stepping through a door that looks like one of the paintings on my wall. It's guarded by a stuffed 🐼 Susan gave me and he tells me to go right in.  I'm immediately at a marina we visited a lot. The sky is bright on a beautiful day and I'm remembering the good times we had there. It is extra bright over the mooring field so I walk to where I can see it and our boat is there, glowing, with Susan in the cockpit reading and glowing. She waves to me and I wave. I walk down the stairs to the float and when the launch comes I tell the driver to take me to our "Morning Gloria". But he says no, Tom, it's not your time yet, you have to go back for now. So I go back through door and I'm home again. 

Crying writing this...Crazy TomPB

Well year 3 continues. The pattern of OK periods alternating with grief attacks continues. The OK periods may be getting longer and better, but the grief attacks are as bad as ever when they come.

I had the thought recently that I'm starting to think of my life with Susan as something in the past. Earth people would say "Well, obviously" but you know what I mean. That really set me off. I miss her so much.

On 5/6/2019 at 8:44 AM, scba said:

I feel the same. These have been the worst years of my life and nothing, really nothing, can ammend that. It gets softer, but this softness cannot erase or cancel what these years have been to me. 

Life goes on. I`m scared of it and at the same time I feel I cannot fear anything else. I`ve been killed and have been left alive. 

Peace. Ana. 

Exactly. I have two opposite approaches. "I've lost my Susan, nothing else can hurt me" and "I've lost my Susan, I can't take one more thing"

Kay, my best wishes. I know it's extra hard to face things without the one who would have been your #1 support, ❤️🐼

I'm a month into yr 3. In a way yr 2 was worse than yr 1 since I wasn't simply stunned and was more conscious of the horror, but I can't really say that anything was worse than yr 1, when my world ended. Now I think I'm actually having longer periods of "OK", then I flash back to thinking its all fake to be pretending to have an OK life without Susan, or grief over what I'd taken for granted. . I'd been writing my thoughts and feelings a LOT and now have less motivation to write. Maybe I'm even getting used to living alone. Maybe I'm making some progress reaching Susan's spirit. I have another appt with Cindi the Psychic next month.

My counselor says let yr 3 be the year of action, whatever that means. Making changes.

Where is this going? What is the point? I really don't know my own mind. 

On 4/18/2019 at 10:07 PM, Johnny said:

There aught to be people in all of our lives who we can confide in to help deal with the tremendous loss. If someone wanted to tell me something that was such a deeply personal experience, I would feel honored to be chosen. I am so very grateful for the empathy, understanding, and respect I find here.

Met my friend Phil at Church for 6:00 service and then out for dinner afterwards with him and his wife Suzanne. At Church, they did the "foot washing" in honor of Jesus when he washed the disciple's. Husband and wife couple, after couple, went forward to wash each others feet. It was beautiful symbolism that once again brought me to tears.

Seems there are unending ways to remind me that I am alone. Believe me, I think I get it by now.

Being surrounded by couples is hard. A friend was having a birthday party and he tried to convince me to come by listing all the people I knew who were coming "with his wife". He had no idea that he couldn't have done better at convincing me to NOT come if he tried. Several cases like that. Seeing a couple our age who look happy I think "how did you live?" And seeing a couple sailing a boat is torture. Nothing was better than just me and Susan on our 33' sailboat, all by ourselves on the ocean.  

On 4/16/2019 at 3:21 PM, Marg M said:

Tom, my Billy's mind was wired with numbers, mine with words.  I will not even attempt next year.  Will take directly to H&R Block.  I am not wired for numbers, but I will tell you one thing, numbers sure get me wired.

LOL. It went easy this year. Hardest thing was reading numbers off the forms to enter them & thinking about how Susan used to read them to me.

Had no problem doing my taxes with TurboTax, tho had a twinge over status of "single". Don't believe that in my heart. I'd never donated stock before like I did to the AUTM foundation for Susan's scholarships and I feared there wd be questions I could not answer, but I had all the info and it was easy. Yes, good to have it done.

On 4/9/2019 at 9:53 AM, kayc said:

Tom, how wonderful that you will get to see your longtime friend!  Keep us updated, and I, like Shirley, can't help but believe Susan had a hand in it as well as Tamy. 

 

I did put "coincidences" in quotes

Baby birds may be here, can barely see something tiny moving under mama.

Let go another link today. We took Sunday delivery of the paper for the crossword that we did together. Otherwise I just read online. So I've been getting this Sun paper and not reading it but didn't want to cancel. Today I did and went all digital. More sadness. 

Update on my Israeli friend Aharon who was hit with traumatic loss of his Tamy. Tamy had a trip planned (since, like Susan, she wasn't sick) to visit friends in Baltimore. Now Aharon is going instead. The flight just happens to connect in Boston! There were no plans to visit me originally, just a coincidence. So we will meet at the airport 1 week from tomorrow. The level of recent  "coincidences" is making me dizzy.

Christina Rasmussen said "Love is the thread between the seen and the unseen." I believe it. Here's Susan's spirit bird.

LOL too many experts needing to show that they're contributing to the field. One thing the 🐼 DOES know is the academic game

I do a nightly meditation on Susan and sometimes I have music. She was a ballet dancer so sometimes it's ballet music, other times it's from early in our marriage. One night last week in the final stage of the meditation, where I try to leave my body and join her spirit, the Wedding Song by Peter Paul and Mary came on. I had a really strong cry over that one. 

This song moves me