TomPB

I only get these shots when my PCP really gets after me. I actually don't remember which I've caved on and which I've held out on :). A swimmer friend had such a horrible reaction to the shingles shot that she missed several morning practices and eventually quit the team!

I have grief for all seasons but the first cold days are some of the worst. I always said that I didn't care if it was cold in the bedroom because I had Susan to warm me up, sleeping alone in the cold is extra sad.

"Management" is out of control. I think it happens in all societies as they age. At the peak of the British empire Gilbert & Sullivan joked about Sir Joseph who was the "ruler of the queen's navy" even tho the only ship he had ever seen was his junior partnership in a law firm. And it's painful when we constantly run into its stupidity. My sympathies, Gwen.

15 hours ago, Marg M said:

Maybe your "lady" sensed this and women are very sensitive to men's feelings.  I'm sure she is old enough to feel she cannot be able to fill the shoes of Susan.  I don't know what went on, but from what you are telling, you really are not ready, but you are getting receptive to the next step.  And that will happen.  The long distance relationship was in your way the whole time and the lady knew you were not ready to leave your home, and I guess she knew she was not ready to leave her's.  Give her credit for feeling the relationship had too many detours to make work.  

Thanks for your thoughts, Marg, but I don't agree, and neither does my grief counselor

I'm sober in AA. One of my first thoughts after losing Susan was to move to the Caribbean and resume my love affair with rum. Didn't do that and didn't pick up a drink at all. I think thats because of the foundation in sobriety I've built over many years. Also my AA support network became a grief support network. It's normal for us to share about our lives. Life is a very sad day at a time without Susan, but I know it would be worse without AA.

I'm sure nobody will be shocked to hear that my little detour into romance is over. It went from hot to warm to zero very quickly and I still don't know why. One guess is, as Marg says, she may have had second thoughts re being with someone who had lost a soulmate. Maybe a friend said "OMG stay the F away from that situation, it's a minefield". Who knows? Anyway I was apprehensive from day one about what this outcome would do to my emotional state. Good news is I haven't been slammed down as far as the worst case. It's "just" given me an extra deep sadness and longing for Susan and appreciation for how wonderful my life was in ways I took for granted, gone now. My grief counselor pointed out that having the new relationship quickly yanked away is like a repeat of Susan's sudden death, tho obviously not on the same scale. Therapists and friends tell me to not be alone and I've been socializing but no amount of going out with friends can make up a trillionth of being with Susan. I'm just tired of living without her.   That said, I did have a few days of actually being happy.

Seems I missed the kerfuffle but Darrel, I get a lot out of your posts & I agree with everyone that we're allowed to be hypersentitive sometimes. Best wishes, TomPB

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That’s amazing to me about the cooking, Tom.  I haven’t really cooked anything I did for years now.  I tried at first.  It was handy having a 2nd meal for another night.  It was still new then too.  Hadn’t been dragged out almost 4 years.   I cooked and cleaned up even nights Steve tried, had to do it over.  He was a typical guy.  🙂  now I am an easy oven user and the microwave gets lots of use.  Been buying cooked pasta, the latest thing to hit the market.  Have a nifty Martha Stewart pot with the colander but it took both of us to drain.  Too many memories for me.  Hard enough sitting at the table eating alone all these years.  I’d love to taste freshly cooked chicken or pork chops.  More veggies.  Used to buy take and bake pizzas, but lost the fun of cutting them up and bickering over who kept taking the bigger slices.  All easy stuff if there is motivation.  Gonna make myself a sandwich for tonight.  Even that feels monumental!  Food is so social when you’ve had a partner.  We used to solve the worlds problems at our dining table.  🙂

I agree, Gwen, but I just keep to my old patterns. I've slowly started getting more prepared food like burritos and soups. I would do most of the cooking but we worked together on burritos and making pesto from basil planted on our deck, and Susan was the cookie maker. In 2017 I didn't grow basil but I did this year. I would always wipe the  inside of the food processor with a piece of bread and bring it to her and get that brilliant smile, so the memories were flooding back. Can't imagine making burritos myself. Most nights I think of how I should be saying "dinner's ready" and I still don't know what to do with the cookie making equipment... 

11 hours ago, shebert56 said:

So last night I woke during the night and swear Stephen was in bed next to me.  I felt him distinctly.  And I wasn't sad when I realized he isn't there.  Just a deep soul peaceful feeling as I drifted back to sleep.

Last night a friend stopped by to pick up Stephen's business suits, dress shirts and ties to share with two very worthy causes.  I felt very content with that decision.  I know Stephen did as well. 

I love typing or speaking Stephen's name.  I do it all the time as I want to honor him and acknowledge his soul is still with me.

~Shirley

 

That's nice, Shirley. I never had anything like that.

I also am spiritual and not religious. I was raised catholic but now am most interested in Tibetan Buddhism. Susan is now my higher power or spiritual teacher. Where the buddhists say visualize your master I visualize Susan.

Part of my nightly meditation on Susan is invoking her. I've made up a litany of all the pet/cute names I called her and recite it or chant it. When I needed an emotional lift Susan would say "Pat pat the 🐼" and pat my arm. I recite that a few times too.

I always have a banana before swim practice and have not had problems with cramps in the pool since I started. My brother and I both have knees that act up from time to time. I just learned that, before bed, he treats his with ice and I treat mine with a heating pad, LOL. I don't know which is best or if they are both good.

I was the cook and Susan cleaned up. I cook healthy so we both ate healthy. I was the worrier and Susan was happy and serene and always had perfect blood pressure. Never would have guessed she'd go first.

At least I didn't have to learn to cook. I've heard some guys say they didn't know how to take care of themselves. Sometimes when I cook our favorite meals meals for myself I wonder why I'm doing it. I'm so stuck in my habits I keep them up even tho my soulmate is gone.

On 9/23/2018 at 11:37 AM, Kieron said:

Today would be Mark's 62nd birthday.  I've been sad, had a tear or two, and the day is young, yet.   But compared to a year ago today, I feel reflective and wistful, but not torn up inside.  Interesting.  I suppose that feeling will return off and on...

🦋

I just had my 2nd birthday in this new life. No card with Susan's cute 🐼 sketches and expressions of love, no little present, no fruit tart with a candle...but yes, as you say, not as torn up and crying as I was for #1

On 9/24/2018 at 7:53 AM, kayc said:

My "grief counselor" thought he had it all figured out too, what he would do if his wife Debi died...well he needn't concern himself about it because they're divorced now.  Honestly, for him to give me a book to read a week after George died that starts out with, "I took my wedding ring off..."  Really!!  He hadn't a clue.  He hadn't experienced it, and I'd lay big wagers he hadn't studied it in school either!  My guess is he was a self-proclaimed "counselor" that thought he had all the answers to everything!  Especially since he was in the country with no competition.

My grief counselor lost her husband and her daughter within 2 months. She had been doing grief counseling before her own losses and says very strongly that she didn't have a clue before. But we know that...

4 hours ago, kayc said:

It sounds like SHE is confused or not sure what she wants.  She enjoys talking with you so I guess go with that for a while.  If you reach a point where you know you want more, you may have to let her know that just talking isn't working for you, you want someone you can see and touch.

I agree, kayc. She is 2 yrs into a divorce after 30 yrs & said she spent the whole first yr sleeping and doing chores - a kind of grief which leaves her uncertain also. However I must apologize to the group, I don't intend to attempt to make this a dating advice site LOL

Before 3/31/17 I was a skeptic, now I'll try/believe anything. A few months after Susan died I had taken some friends sailing for my first trip without my perfect sailing partner. As we were motoring to pick up the mooring a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders and stayed. I never had that happen before, not even with a seagull. I believe it was Susan. Had a similar visit with a butterfly landing on one of Susan's sisters wrist with no desire to leave.

Next my sister Julie had a session with Cindi the psychic. Julie swears she had never mentioned Susan but the session started with "Your sister in law is here" and a message to me. I was very low at the time and the msg said that I can not leave the planet before my time is up, and Susan will be waiting for me. Wow. Then I had my own session with Cindi. That morning I had gone to the airport with the new romantic interest who just had appeared in my life, and the primary message from Susan was that she didn't want me to be alone and would send me a new soulmate. Whatever you believe, that's a mind blowing concidence.

I have not had a loving dream of Susan. I had one where I had an affectionate encounter with a turtle, her totem, but nothing with Susan in human form. I even meditate on her before bed every night, which you might think would promote a dream. Sad about that.

I envy those who know what they want. I'm lost, I have no idea. People tell me "You can do anything you want" and I say "That's not helpful, I don't know what I want". I don't know if Susan was my one and only or if I'll have a new partner. So when something clicks I just follow my emotions.

When I talk about getting together she says "I'm too much up in the air right now" or "Let's keep our minds open and see what comes up". Meanwhile she texts me and calls me and we have 1-2 hr calls, so the relationship is by no means over. My confusion is over how that fits with not wanting to get together! I'm just a simple 🐼, this stuff is beyond me.

Hi All, sorry to have been absent. I've been traveling through a detour on this journey. As I reported, a friend of a grief friend visited in early Aug and we had an instant connection. The day I took her to the airport in the morning I had a long-scheduled session with a psychic in the afternoon. The message from Susan said that she would send me a new soulmate. I was stunned by the coincidence and thought maybe it had actually happened.

Now time has passed. We've stayed in touch with texts and voice, with 1-2 hr calls and never a problem what to say next. However I feel the intensity fading with time and distance. She is in ABQ. Whenever I raise the possibility of a visit she says no. I don't understand in view of the magical time we had in Boston and I think this dream is about to end, leaving me even more lonely than before, somethiing I feared from the beginning.

Of couse I've been grieving Susan the whole time too. Having my mind cycle between grief and romance is a whole new level of craziness. What makes it OK is that I accept that Susan wants me to have someone else in my life. Her message really spelled that out and she continues to say it when I talk to her every night.

At least this shows me that life is possible on the other side. The 4 days we had together were the only truly happy days I've had since I lost Susan. And there's a chance it's not over, but I don't feel very good right now.

On 8/1/2018 at 5:11 PM, Cookie said:

 That's why I know it will never happen again for me.  I don't think I have that many years left to build another rich relationship.....Cookie

I have that thought too. However, sorry to go all freaky on the group, but Cindi the Psychic said that Susan and I were instantly totally comfortable with each other because we had been together in previous lives. So maybe another I already know? Cindi also said Susan would send me another soulmate ...I know, I know. I didn't talk/think like this before 3/31/17

Kieron, we're close in dates, my soulmate Susan went to the other side 3/31/17. We couldn't be further away in what happened, Susan died over the course of 10-15 min with no warning that she had a life-threatening condition. My grief counselor says that in the end all that's left is the love. Well I'm not there yet and I mainly feel the pain of her loss. Best wishes for your journey through grief world, TomPB

Darrel I'm with you, about 1 year behind. Susan's was 7/18, my second without her. I wrote her a card, like we always did, and propped it up against her urn. I hope you can enjoy the memories more than feeling the pain of the loss. That's my struggle TomPB 

Thanks Marty. Fr Concetti has a refreshing attitude. 

Wd not be surprised if the priests from my youth wd tell me I’ll burn in hell for talking to a psychic. Anyway she said I had an instant total connection w Susan b/c we have been together in many previous lives. Feels a bit like that now. 

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

 Lightening really does hit the same place twice.  

Absolutely, but there have been too many "coincidences" in my life lately for me to believe it's random. I am such a skeptical earth bound scientist 🐼 that me being the one thinking a spirit spoke to me is a role reversal beyond belief, LOL. 

Marg, I’m totally open minded re any “faith”. What I’ve told are FACTS namely, 1. new woman walks into my life w instant connection, and 2. on the day we say good bye psychic says Susan says she will send me a new soulmate who I will recognize immediately. I’d like to hear all comments on that, regardless of perspective. It stuns me. 

No place away from the ocean can be my favorite, but ABQ is in my future. I think the AC you mention is what my friend calls her “swamp cooler”

Thanks for the replies, but nobody commented on the "coincidence" of us saying goodbye in the morning and me getting the message that Susan would send me someone on the same afternoon!!! I'm still amazed by that. This skeptical 🐼 is wondering if the psychic hacked my phone & learned about us. What do you think? Can spirits actually do these things? 

Gin, we sort of have to take it slow, with the separation. I suppose it could be a good thing. kayc, she's done with her longtime job but is looking for a new career. I'm working but have an extremely flexible schedule. So we can visit & she might even end up in MA, but for now making a plan seems challenging. Must trust that it will work out. Enough amazing things have happened already! Thanks again my friends, TomPB

I've always said I don't know if I'll have another partner.

For the last 2 weeks a friend of my grief/swim friend who I've mentioned here before was visiting. Long story short, we made an instant connection, spent a lot of time together, and, tho we carefully avoid the "L" word, fell in love. I've had my only truly happy days since Susan died. That's crazy enough, but there's a lot more. Last Th morning I went with her to the airport and said goodbye. On Th afternoon, I had a session with Cindi the psychic, which I'd scheduled long before I met her. Here is part of what Cindi "read" from Susan. Not making this up: 

Susan loves me like crazy. Her primary message is that I will have another soulmate.  Susan will send me another soulmate.  Doesn’t want me to be alone.  I need to do more work and can’t do it alone. Spirit Susan is always with me but I need flesh and blood and a link to the earth. Susan is very enthusiastic about that and does not have jealousy. Thoughts of another soulmate come from Susan. No casual dating for PB.  The person Susan sends and I will recognize each other immediately.  Spirit Susan still will visit me but  only when I’m alone, she wiil respect boundaries. 

So Th morning I wake up with my new love for the first time and Th afternoon Susan says thru Cindi that she will send me a new soulmate and we'll recognize each other immediately? What is that? Crazy? Amazing? Ridiculous? Being a scientist I'm more skeptical than most, but this is too much to deny. I think Spirit Susan really spoke to me, and I think there's a good chance my new soulmate is here. Unfortunately "here" for me is Boston and she lives in Albuquerque! We're talking about how to handle the long distance relationship but it seems challenging. I know I'm in some danger because if this heads south combining grief with relationship angst wd be a nightmare.

This feels like a dream, and she says it too. I feel like unseen forces are guiding my life. I'd like to hear what you think. Feel free to say  "Tom🐼 you have freaking lost it!"

Valentine's day...Susan put a lot of extra effort into being loving. On our last V-day, with no idea that she had only 6 weeks to live, she didn't just get me a card, she knitted me a heart. That's the kind of love I have to live without. Heart travels with me.