TomPB

4 hours ago, kayc said:

It's clear we didn't all lose the same relationship...some were married but not that close...I ought to know, I was married to my kids' dad 23 years and we were not intimately connected or in love, more like business partners raising kids.  With George it was entirely different, he was "my person", my soul mate, my best friend and lover, we were each other's worlds and we connected so deeply, communicated so well...the loss can't be compared to one of a superficial marriage.  We were the lucky ones that got to experience the supreme, but the price is hard-hitting.

Exactly. "Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch."

My friend Mara sure is not suffering from PGD. She is at about 16 months and told me this morning that she's grieving by having sex and shopping. I'm not saying anything about that. just reporting.

The 2 yr went as well as could be hoped. My friend and I went to the river and threw shells from Susan's collection in the water and talked about her. Then we sat on our favorite bench where we'd do crosswords and Susan would critique the sailing skills of the dingy sailors and talked some more, then went home and cooked a nice dinner. She has also lost a partner and we talked about him too.

Signs and portents! For 1 yr Susan's amaryllis bloomed. This year we were talking about how the mourning doves were singing on Beacon Hill and Susan liked them and would imitate their calI. I told Carol that one year a pair had nested in one of our window boxes and showed her where to look...and a momma bird was there! I hadn't seen her before so she might have arrived on 3/31! Wow. 

On 3/31/2019 at 1:53 PM, Marg M said:

Sometimes I still get "carried away" and write too much.  I've tried to correct that, but it still happens.  Tom, I know your circumstances, and I think with us all having different circumstances of losing our loved ones we all suffer some from survivor's guilt.  How can we not?  We are still here, they are gone, and there were no circumstances of them leaving us that we want to accept.  Now over 40 months gone, sometimes I still cannot believe it.  It was supposed to be me.

Sure, Marg, but I don't see that being unable to accept losing Susan is "guilt". Makes no sense to me. I can feel pain without being guilty.

2 yr went as well as could be hoped. Went to river with friend and threw shells from Susan's shell collection in the water and talked about her.

I have an argument from time to time with my counselor where she says I have survivor guilt and I say no I don't have guilt, I just don't want to live without her.

Amazing thing just happened. We were very close to an Israeli couple in LA in the 70s. I haven't heard from my friend Aharon for 20 yrs or so and today I had a call from Israel which I missed and an email. I assumed he had heard about Susan and was reaching out for the 2 yr. I opened the email and sure enough it was about the loss of a spouse...and it took me a few secs to realize he was reaching out, but  because his wife had just died and he needed to talk. I called back and we talked for over an hour. It was sudden with no known life-threatening condition, as with Susan, and he sounded as traumatized as I was. The coincidence gave me goose bumps. So my friend has joined our sad club. I hope we can help each other.

My friend Carol is really being an angel about 3/31. Meanwhile...

Therapist: How are you feeling?

PB: I'm sad when I wake up, feel a little better after coffee.

Therapist: Tell me about the sadness.

PB: Susan isn't next to me.

Why is it so hard for so many to see that "complicated grief" is the most simple thing there is?

Johnny, welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

The clueless are hard to deal with, even if, or maybe especially if, they mean well. I had a friend compare me to Queen Victoria who never "got over" Albert's death. I had a PCP who thought 6 months was the magic number. Lots folks just say "how are you" expecting the usual "real good" response and don't know how to respond if you actually answer. I have my expectations calibrated on the people in my life, from good to share with, to stick to sports and weather, to avoid.

Two year week is here. I'd like to remember all the "lasts" but I don't. Last conversation besides what the doctor said, last crossword, last lovemaking, last panda pat, last coffee at whole foods.... I have our texts so I can reconstruct somewhat. 3/31/17 was a Fri and on the Wed before Susan had been dizzy after we walked up the hill. We thought she was just weak from the chronic cough but in hindsight it was a warning. Her cough hadn't been so bad in the islands so I thought it was weather related. On 3/31 I picked up her antibiotic and ginger ale and had a last minute urge to get some flowers but did not.

Last year I had a 1 yr memorial get together. Nothing like that this yr but know I can't be alone 3/31. Fortunately a close lady friend volunteered to spend the day with me. I have good friends, but once I had a soulmate. Playing music from the first years of our marriage tonight. Powerful. 

On 3/20/2019 at 7:08 PM, Kieron said:

As someone who has worked in adult mental health services in one way or another for 20 years (although I do not and will not "diagnose" people), I can confirm that everything has been turned into a pathology or a disorder of some kind.  Nearly every single variation of the human experience is now considered a disorder, or will be medicalized very soon.  The reason?  The almighty dollar, because insurance calls the shots and pathologized people are profitable.  it's disheartening and disgusting.

As a long time AA member I know that alcohol and drug rehabs often need to provide a psych diagnosis to get insurance to pay. Just being an alcoholic or addict is not enough.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't either but I don't give a rat's fig what they think about me. 

 

Amen, and I am SO uninterested in what people think about me trying to contact Susan on the other side.

54 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

It just is sort of ridiculous that we're now being pigeon holed as having a "disorder" because essentially we lost our soul mate. And the criteria being used in almost laughable. To reinforce my original post, please read this:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5990943/

This whole concept of 6 months of grieving being the "norm" is frankly insulting to the magnitude of our loss.

"Persisted for an abnormally long period of time (more than 6 months at a minimum): following the loss, clearly exceeding expected social, cultural or religious norms for the individual culture and context."

It truly feels like no one, professionals included, understands what this feels like. Where's the head shake emoji? OK, this one will do. 😠

There is a huge variation of knowledge among the medical profession. The grief experts like Marty and my counselor Susan Powers do not throw around time limits. OTOH I had this conversation with my PCP six months after Susan died. PCP: Still think about her every day? TomPB How about every 5 minutes? PCP: I can give you some psych meds for that. 

Needless to say, I have a new PCP. I think we just have to be aware that the clueless are out there and avod them. They're easy to spot.

I always say that if Susan had not been so sweet losing her would be easier. Maybe "PGD" means losing a true soulmate, vs a less close relationship.

On 3/17/2019 at 9:13 AM, kayc said:

It's become a politeness in our society, like hello or good day.  I don't think they expect any answer except fine.  Sometimes they don't even wait around for that.

kayc you're right, just saying that sometimes I really hate it.

Right, sometimes I play the game or just say nothing, sometimes I don't. I think Whole Foods cashiers are trained to say "how are you" since every one does. Annoying.

MG we're on the same timeline and a lot of what you say goes for me. Two years ago we were back from our last vacation in the Virgin Islands and into our normal life with no idea that Susan had two weeks to live. Slowly throwng out thngs as I change my opinion of what is too precious. Even so, I have a lot of Susan's things remaining. Feeling OK when I'm in the moment. Occasional glimpses of what comes next with a lot of help from my counselor.  Still very sad and a memory can set me to tears in an instant. Its a nice spring day in Boston and my main reaction is not to enjoy it, but to  miss how Susan would be thinking about gardening, and how this is when we used to go the Caribbean and I'm going nowhere. When I hear a mourning dove I think of how Susan would imitate their call so sweetly, and it hurts. Spent the morning with friends and still lonely. Sometimes I think of my friends as "non Susans" LOL. So it goes as yr 3 of Grief World approaches. Best to you in yours.

MG, your motto is basic for an AA member. Hard part is walking the walk vs talking the talk. Actually that's how I often answer the dreaded "How are you" that seems to have replaced "good morning" etc, tho the other day I said "not suicidal" and the cashier didn't miss a beat .

I'm sure that grief does not make us all project negativity. However it does for me. 

Appreciate the advice but not doing it. Long story short, I'm being extra careful about how I talk to them. Susan would not want the grief I feel for being left behind to make others unhappy also.

Wow kayc what a dream! I've had glimpses of Susan in a few dreams but can't remember seeing her face. She's always around the edges. Never a direct affectionate loving dream. That's even tho I meditate on her before bed every night. Maybe someday...

Thanks friends, but I don't agree that being extra careful and on guard about grief appearing as negativity directed at another person, or student, is phony. It's important to me to have good relations with my students and, having had this wake up call, I'm going to respond. I'll ask for thoughts about telling them my situation but don't expect I will decide to do so.

Marty and kayc, thanks for responding. I've thought about this and still think it's really not something to share. Seems to me that co-workers and students represent very different relationships. My approach from here on will be to be super nice and on red alert for anything that might inadvertently hurt their feelings. I THINK I can do it tho I'm very aware that I'm a bad judge of what I'm projecting.

I've always been well respected as a teacher. However, for the last three semesters, my course evaluations have crashed from good to horrible, even tho I haven't deliberately changed anything, except my ongoing efforts to improve the course. I don't think it can be coincidence that the period of horrible evals coincides with me entering grief world. A lot of student comments call me "rude". I thought I was handling it, but my sadness and negativity must have come across in a way that the students thought was directed at them. Maybe I was less careful about how I spoke to them. It's a wake-up call for the care a grieving person has to use when interacting with the "earth people". 

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Another Saturday night.  They’re all bad but I can’t ever get past it was our date night.  I spent the day fighting tech battles he would have, getting myself in a tizzy and high anxiety.  DLSavings mess things up too.  I experience good, odd and bad things and had no one to tell about them as normal conversation.  I tell someone here and there things I can remember.  Our life social together but I miss this one night that we went out together.  Can’t even fathom sitting in a restaurant now.  I’ve seen people sitting alone with thier smartphones.  I don’t even have anyone to contact. So I stay home and play games trying not to think about how much has been lost to me.  The only plus of today is one less hour to spend awake as I set the clocks ahead already.  Then to sleep that passes too quickly to another day which is just a repeat.  I’ve read the advanced Sunday paper for sales and passed on many.  I see the nice clothes I don’t wear anymore for nights out.  Loneliness is a cruel and inhumane condition.  I dragged thru volunteering to com home to such an empty existence.  Something I can count on that has so changed.  

I understand. Woke up to DST and snow and a strong feeling that this life is totally pointless without Susan.

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

I love it, Tom! Your Susan must have been a very special lady ❤️

Special doesn't begin...

I've been trying to remember my dreams, writing them down so I don't forget. Last night I dreamed of being with Susan in a student-type apartment, just like when I was named 🐼. So this discussion obviously triggered the dream.  It's rare when I can see exactly where a dream came from, and it was one of my better ones, so thanks!

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

I so love reading about those good memories of yours, Tom, and I hope for the day when those sweet memories will bring more smiles than tears.

If you don't mind sharing, I've always wondered, how did you come by the panda bear nickname? I know it was one of your Susan't terms of endearment, but I'd love to hear how she came to give that particular nickname to you . . . ❤️

Marty, thanks, and happy to share. When we lived in Cambridge MA in the early 70s we had no bed just a mattress on the floor. I had long hair and a very bushy black beard. One day when Susan had a fever and was a little delerious I came home and she looked up and said "You look just like a 🐼" and I was never anything else from that point on.