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TomPB

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About TomPB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    3/31/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

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  1. Right, sometimes I play the game or just say nothing, sometimes I don't. I think Whole Foods cashiers are trained to say "how are you" since every one does. Annoying.
  2. MG we're on the same timeline and a lot of what you say goes for me. Two years ago we were back from our last vacation in the Virgin Islands and into our normal life with no idea that Susan had two weeks to live. Slowly throwng out thngs as I change my opinion of what is too precious. Even so, I have a lot of Susan's things remaining. Feeling OK when I'm in the moment. Occasional glimpses of what comes next with a lot of help from my counselor. Still very sad and a memory can set me to tears in an instant. Its a nice spring day in Boston and my main reaction is not to enjoy it, but to miss how Susan would be thinking about gardening, and how this is when we used to go the Caribbean and I'm going nowhere. When I hear a mourning dove I think of how Susan would imitate their call so sweetly, and it hurts. Spent the morning with friends and still lonely. Sometimes I think of my friends as "non Susans" LOL. So it goes as yr 3 of Grief World approaches. Best to you in yours.
  3. MG, your motto is basic for an AA member. Hard part is walking the walk vs talking the talk. Actually that's how I often answer the dreaded "How are you" that seems to have replaced "good morning" etc, tho the other day I said "not suicidal" and the cashier didn't miss a beat .
  4. I'm sure that grief does not make us all project negativity. However it does for me. Appreciate the advice but not doing it. Long story short, I'm being extra careful about how I talk to them. Susan would not want the grief I feel for being left behind to make others unhappy also.
  5. Wow kayc what a dream! I've had glimpses of Susan in a few dreams but can't remember seeing her face. She's always around the edges. Never a direct affectionate loving dream. That's even tho I meditate on her before bed every night. Maybe someday...
  6. Thanks friends, but I don't agree that being extra careful and on guard about grief appearing as negativity directed at another person, or student, is phony. It's important to me to have good relations with my students and, having had this wake up call, I'm going to respond. I'll ask for thoughts about telling them my situation but don't expect I will decide to do so.
  7. Marty and kayc, thanks for responding. I've thought about this and still think it's really not something to share. Seems to me that co-workers and students represent very different relationships. My approach from here on will be to be super nice and on red alert for anything that might inadvertently hurt their feelings. I THINK I can do it tho I'm very aware that I'm a bad judge of what I'm projecting.
  8. I've always been well respected as a teacher. However, for the last three semesters, my course evaluations have crashed from good to horrible, even tho I haven't deliberately changed anything, except my ongoing efforts to improve the course. I don't think it can be coincidence that the period of horrible evals coincides with me entering grief world. A lot of student comments call me "rude". I thought I was handling it, but my sadness and negativity must have come across in a way that the students thought was directed at them. Maybe I was less careful about how I spoke to them. It's a wake-up call for the care a grieving person has to use when interacting with the "earth people".
  9. I understand. Woke up to DST and snow and a strong feeling that this life is totally pointless without Susan.
  10. Special doesn't begin... I've been trying to remember my dreams, writing them down so I don't forget. Last night I dreamed of being with Susan in a student-type apartment, just like when I was named 🐼. So this discussion obviously triggered the dream. It's rare when I can see exactly where a dream came from, and it was one of my better ones, so thanks!
  11. Marty, thanks, and happy to share. When we lived in Cambridge MA in the early 70s we had no bed just a mattress on the floor. I had long hair and a very bushy black beard. One day when Susan had a fever and was a little delerious I came home and she looked up and said "You look just like a 🐼" and I was never anything else from that point on.
  12. Coming home, I see the mat where I keep my shoes and notice that Susan's are not there. Susan's bells ring as I open the door and I'm staring at shelves holding Susan's childhood shell collection. I go in our bedroom, step on a rug from Susan's parent's house to change, and see Susan's side of the bed, unchanged since 3/31/17. I put my keys and wallet on top of the dresser from her room in that house, along with the jar holding the things she had with her when she went to the doctor on 3/31/17 to be told she "might have pneumonia". Making dinner I'm aware of Susan's choice of countertop and backsplash. I'm concious of using our plates, our pans, our utensils, our trays and our fridge and stove and thinking of when we got them. There are a few things with turtles. I'll remember how she used to set timers for cooking while I always wing it. Maybe I'll catch a glance at the cookie making things, or in the freezer see the frozen berries she used to put in yogurt for lunch, still there. Cookbooks we got in the 70s. I'm aware of how she loved our beautiful hardwood floor and designed the exceptionally bright kitchen. At the windows by the deck her gardening things remain and the pillows we bought together. The deck seen through the windows reminds me of what a happy urban gardner she was.... I could go on, and more in every room including paintings of us by Susan's sister. Susan is everywhere in this home and in my mind. It's good but every good memory brings the pain of loss. I'm really a lost 🐼
  13. George, very sorry I didn't respond to your 2/16 post. Seems we both have traumatic sudden loss so I know very well the horror and empathize. I have also experienced disappointing response from Susan's family. She is oldest of 11 and her siblings grew up with me, and they all are fine if I contact them, but only 2 would ever reach out and ask me how I'm doing. Not what I'd expected. Grief has been high in this 2 yr anniversary month. Swim practice is usually a time when I can forget the world but today I had a grief attack in the pool. My counselor says "don't miss this part" meaning live the life I have now, but I would like to miss the part without Susan. Best wishes TomPB
  14. Yes. Not having that person to care AND having memories of what used to be.
  15. Usually we'd get to Tortola on Wed, check out & provision the boat and sleep on it at the marina Wed night, and be sailing the Caribbean on Th feeling so free. We'd usually take a short hop to Norman Island, get a mooring in Kelly's cove, and spend the rest of te day relaxing and swimming. Then we'd head north, tacking against the trade winds, to Virgin Gorda and today would be in N. Sound at the Bitter End Yacht Club. BEYC was one of our favorite places and, fitting with my mood, was destroyed by the hurricane. There was nothing like snuggling in the vee-berth with Susan, or sitting in the cockpit lightly touching her while she steered. Now I'm home alone in dark snowy Boston watching BBall on TV and working. Will do my nightly Susan meditation in a bit. Usually I can talk to Susan and look at her pictures OK but last night I cried through the whole exercise. Best to all Tom🐼
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