Jump to content


  • Content Count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

About TomPB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Thanks Friends. It would be nice if this gives someone hope. While being mainly wonderful, it seems very strange and challenging sometimes. I'm a creature of habit and very slow to change, and 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan has shaped my psyche very strongly. Someone besides Susan calling me 🐼? OMG! Navigating a new sexual relationship at my age? OMG! I ask Carol "Are you really here?" The adventure continues. Best to all for 2020 Tom 🐼
  2. I'm very sorry for my sudden disappearance last spring/summer. I love you all and you have been a great support. Here's an update. My counselor had told me to try dating after 2 yrs. I was skeptical that I could find another partner after 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan, but I did feel like I was coming back to life a bit and went ahead. I didn't find the prospect of a relationship with any of the women I met online appealing. Meanwhile I had a friend, Carol, who I always described as "my non-romantic friend". It slowly dawned on me that, if anyone could be a new partner for me, it was Carol. So one night I asked her if we might try being romantic friends, and actually that was what she had been wanting. So, I am part of a couple again. Carol is an angel and her sweetness reminds me of Susan. She also lost a partner of 28 yrs and we talk freely about our lost loves, which I think is essential. She came to my family Thanksgiving. It was like bringing the GF home to meet the parents. Everyone loved her, and she loved them. I know I am not replacing Susan. This is a new chapter. However I can't help repeating some of the things I'd do with Susan, and sometimes it feels a little funny or awkward. We decorated my jade tree for Christmas, just like Susan and I did. I make her pancakes and we went to Ptown last summer, to the same rental I used with Susan. Instead of going to my raucous family Christmas we'll have a romantic one with just us two, just as we always did. I might even make my cod and lentils. With Carol here I'm not hanging my "Susan and Tom" stocking, which feels a bit disloyal, even tho Carol is amazingly comfortable with all my pictures of Susan. When I asked her about taking my ring off, she said "Why woud you do that?" Amazing. I know some of you are in the "No, Never" category on a new relationship. Believe me, I understand and I could have gone that way too, but Carol is a miracle in my life. When Susan spoke to me through Cindi the Psychic she said she would send me a new soulmate, and I believe she did. I continue talking to Susan, tho now it is largely getting her advice on the new relationship. Best wishes to all in this season that can be so hard...Tom
  3. Johnny, yeah, I know Susan wants me to enjoy the rest of my life, and I know it hurts her when she sees me in extreme pain. I know I made her happy - I can see that in the smile on her pictures. The confusing part is that I think she also wants me to have another partner. My counselors and siblings tell me that I'm a person who needs a partner. So I flip back and forth between two different attitudes, from thinking that Susan was my one and only to thinking that I will start a new direction. From thinking that my only real life was being T&S snd I'm now stuck in a fake life, to thinking that the rest of my life is real too. I know that several regulars here say that another partner is impossible for them, and I totally get that, and feel that way myself often. But other times, I've started testing the waters. After 48 years of unconditional love from one woman I'm about as clueless at this as you can get. I wonder if I can have a close relationship with my mind full of Susan. I don't want to hurt anyone by presenting myself as available and bailing because she's not Susan. . It's a strange new world, but I'm exploring it...
  4. Birds are one way we communicate across the divide. My first sailing after I lost Susan a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders as we were motoring to pick up the mooring and was in no hurry to leave. Looked like it was watching over us. Never happened before or since in 30 yrs sailing. This year on the 2 yr anniversary 3/31/17 a Mourning Dove, Susan's favorite, landed in one of our window boxes and started nesting. Cindi the psychic told me the Dove was not Susan but she could influence her as to where she would sit her eggs. I believe.
  5. Yes, I tell Susan she took the easy way out and left me in grief world. She says she didn't want to but had no choice. Then I think that I always tried to protect her and by going through this nightmare I'm sparing her from it. That's a little comforting.
  6. Yes, I understand perfectly. I had exactly the same experience on 3/31/17. Couldn't even say goodbye after 48 yrs of unconditional love. Changed from a single entity Tom&Susan to being alone in 5 min with no warning. This kind of loss adds trauma to grief. I've had the same experiences with people with a timetable for "getting over it". But I have had a great experience with a grief counselor. I think that's because she has had her own losses, the long death of her husband and the sudden death of her daughter. The shared experience makes the bond. Best wishes TomPB
  7. I feel with you, George. In June and July I have our wedding anniversary and Susan's birthday within 3 weeks. I remember all the good things and the precious rituals but the loss is still the main thing I feel.
  8. Johnny, yeah, I'm hoping for what Shirley says, not there yet. I'm reading Christina Rasmussen's "Where did you go". First chapter is imagining going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit. She says make up your own concept. So I imagine stepping through a door that looks like one of the paintings on my wall. It's guarded by a stuffed 🐼 Susan gave me and he tells me to go right in. I'm immediately at a marina we visited a lot. The sky is bright on a beautiful day and I'm remembering the good times we had there. It is extra bright over the mooring field so I walk to where I can see it and our boat is there, glowing, with Susan in the cockpit reading and glowing. She waves to me and I wave. I walk down the stairs to the float and when the launch comes I tell the driver to take me to our "Morning Gloria". But he says no, Tom, it's not your time yet, you have to go back for now. So I go back through door and I'm home again. Crying writing this...Crazy TomPB
  9. Well year 3 continues. The pattern of OK periods alternating with grief attacks continues. The OK periods may be getting longer and better, but the grief attacks are as bad as ever when they come. I had the thought recently that I'm starting to think of my life with Susan as something in the past. Earth people would say "Well, obviously" but you know what I mean. That really set me off. I miss her so much.
  10. Exactly. I have two opposite approaches. "I've lost my Susan, nothing else can hurt me" and "I've lost my Susan, I can't take one more thing"
  11. Kay, my best wishes. I know it's extra hard to face things without the one who would have been your #1 support, ❤️🐼
  12. I'm a month into yr 3. In a way yr 2 was worse than yr 1 since I wasn't simply stunned and was more conscious of the horror, but I can't really say that anything was worse than yr 1, when my world ended. Now I think I'm actually having longer periods of "OK", then I flash back to thinking its all fake to be pretending to have an OK life without Susan, or grief over what I'd taken for granted. . I'd been writing my thoughts and feelings a LOT and now have less motivation to write. Maybe I'm even getting used to living alone. Maybe I'm making some progress reaching Susan's spirit. I have another appt with Cindi the Psychic next month. My counselor says let yr 3 be the year of action, whatever that means. Making changes. Where is this going? What is the point? I really don't know my own mind.
  13. Being surrounded by couples is hard. A friend was having a birthday party and he tried to convince me to come by listing all the people I knew who were coming "with his wife". He had no idea that he couldn't have done better at convincing me to NOT come if he tried. Several cases like that. Seeing a couple our age who look happy I think "how did you live?" And seeing a couple sailing a boat is torture. Nothing was better than just me and Susan on our 33' sailboat, all by ourselves on the ocean.
  14. LOL. It went easy this year. Hardest thing was reading numbers off the forms to enter them & thinking about how Susan used to read them to me.
  15. Had no problem doing my taxes with TurboTax, tho had a twinge over status of "single". Don't believe that in my heart. I'd never donated stock before like I did to the AUTM foundation for Susan's scholarships and I feared there wd be questions I could not answer, but I had all the info and it was easy. Yes, good to have it done.
  • Create New...