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TomPB

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About TomPB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    3/31/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. Dee, I'm hoping for a loving dream where I see her clearly. I have to write them down, even if it means getting up when I don't want to, or they're usually gone. However a rare one is so clear I can remember without writing. Maybe as I write more I will remember better...might be happening. Just finished my Susan meditation and realized that I remember her parent's house in VA in amazing detail, even to what food was where on the shelves, what old toys were lying around etc. Strange something can be so present in my mind when it's long gone...TomPB
  2. Maybe Susan is seeping through She has been in my dreams more. I can't see her face and she's just saying some daily life thing - the other night she asked if I really wanted to wear those pants. I hope that will lead to a loving dream where I see her brilliant smile....TomPB
  3. I doubt that we differ, Gwen. I said SOME, not all.
  4. Part of the meditation I do every night is to think of some happy times. Some of the happiest times for me were not vacations or celebrations but when I was taking care of Susan, when she was sick or recovering from a medical procedure. Gave me a great feeling, and of course I knew she'd do the same for me.
  5. 27 years for me. Sparkling cider was our go-to holiday beverage. Pot shops in MA now. I'm intrigued by edibles. Gummy Bears, hmmmm. But I don't think so.
  6. Me too. Someone has to go first in every loving couple. When I talked to Susan through the psychic, she said she did because she is more telepathic and could teach me how to reach out to her spirit on the other side. When I talk to her every night I say well, you're not doing a very good job. She says it's hard to get through that thick 🐼 skull. I always tried to protect Susan and one positive thought is that by going thru this hell I'm saving her from grief world. OTOH she was so much more serene than me that I think she could handle it a lot better. Still can't wrap my mind around going from Susan having a bad cough but apparently nothing more to her leaving this mortal world in about 10 min. From having the circle of love we'd built over 48 years in place to being alone. Thoughts like that were magnified with the flu. First time sick since being alone. I'm over flu now. Swam this AM and felt surprisingly strong. But I'll never be over losing my other half. Best wishes to all for 2019, be it enjoying or surviving. Tom🐼 ps brother and sister also got flu over same period so pretty clear we got it our Christmas get-together. THAT's family sharing, LOL
  7. Yes, NY Eve. We'd watch the early fireworks on the Common, then have sparkling cider and a fruit tart, or maybe Susan's cookies, later. Now it's nothing. With the flu my instinct is to look forward to getting better. Now I think, so what, I'll still be without Susan. Best wishes to all, Tom🐼
  8. No snow in Boston but I have either flu or food poisoning. I think it's the first time I've been sick since living alone and I have very dark thoughts lying in bed alone, thinking about how Susan would have been looking out for me. I've had some nice texts and advice from one woman friend and another brought me liquids but it doesn't fill that hole. Best to all TomPB
  9. Hi All, it's my second without her. Susan was the one who loved Christmas so as I decorate in her memory I'm always opening what I think of as her things. Taking train to my brother's in New Haven tomorrow and I'm giving the women in my family Susan's scarves addressed as from "Susan and Tom". At my counselor's suggestion last year I put a note to my current self with the decorations when I put them away so now I read it. It asks if I've found a point to my life, if it felt real or still fake, you get the picture. I suppose I have fewer grief attacks but just as intense when they come. That's what she told me to expect. I had a dream that I was in our rented condo in Ptown and I was waiting for Susan for us to go out and do something, getting annoyed she was late. Finally I opened the door to go myself and she was standing outside the door. I take that to mean she is close, if only I can see. Yesterday a close woman friend and I cooked together and shared a special meal. It was very warm but also strange to be doing the same thing I would do with Susan. She said she felt Susan's presence in the bathroom and I asked if Susan told her to stay away from her 🐼and we had a good laugh. I avoid words like Merry and Happy, but my very best and warmest wishes to all walking this painful journey. It is a fearful thing, to love what death can touch. Tom 🐼
  10. Darrel, I'd like to focus on the good, I know it's healthy, but the pain of losing Susan is so intense that I can't get past it, or not very much. people who aren't in the club sometimes think I CHOOSE to focus on the pain but it's just what the system does, I don't think I have any control. Counselor thinks I might shift the focus with a conscious effort. Maybe
  11. Sorry to hear that Gewn. I camped out at hospital any time Susan was having something done and it gave us a good feeling about being such a strong couple. Now the prospect of me being hospitalized without her by my side is a nightmare. Theres a lot to be said for going first. ❤️🐼
  12. Nailed it, Darrel. The quote that says it all for me is "It is a fearful thing to love what death can touch" and I'd add, the deeper love, the more fearful it is. If Susan wasn't so SWEET it would be easier to live without her - but then I wouldn't have had that sweetness in my life. Two sides of the coin. Actually my grief counselor told me my assignment for the week was to focus on gratitude for 48 years of Susan instead of the pain of losing her. She says I'm ready for that but I don't know if I can...
  13. Welcome Jame. I lost my soulmate Susan on 3/31/17 in about 10 minutes with no warning that her life was in danger. We had only begun to take the first baby steps at thinking about the next stage of our lives. I told our financial advisor that I didn't want to plan beyond age 90 as you couldn't really enjoy active life then...I didn't know we had 9 ms left. I didn't even get to say goodbye after 48 years of unconditional love. I wish I had Susan's instructions on how I'm supposed to do this. She was always the serene one and me the worrier.I always assumed I'd go first. I think she'd do a lot better without me than I'm doing without her. I know she'd want me to enjoy the rest of my life but I wish I could have heard it from her. I had a session with a psychic/medium and Susan said she would send me a new soulmate, but I don't know about that. I've been re-evaluating preventative medicine lately. I'm in apparent good health so this is projecting, but I do NOT want to be hospitalized without Susan by my side. So why bother with all these tests? I have an endless sequence of OK periods followed by grief attacks. It's been like that for a while. Last weekend I had a 4 day stay on a warm beach in PR that was pretty good and my friends and some of my work are good, but then it hits. Grief world is an eerie place. Hard to wrap my mind around how all the things we did led to the Urn on my mantlepiece. It's probably true that the waves are a little farther apart now, which is what my grief counselor tells me to hope for. Best wishes, TomPB
  14. So easy to flip from relatively OK to wishing there was an easy way to leave this Susan-less world.
  15. Coming home through Boston Common, it's the annual tree lighting. Susan loved it. In the mail was a Christmas card to Susan from an old friend with "hope all is well"...not exactly. Pretty soon I'll put up some decorations that Susan used to decorate with such joy, while I was the "🐼Scrooge", but I won't be thinking about happy holidays, I'll be thinking about her. That's the season in Grief World.
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