TomPB

Thanks Rahn and all I can say is I know how you feel. Even my better days after 16 months will have a period of crying. Morning waking up without her is the worst but painful memories and thoughts can hit at any time. I hope you can find the path we all need, TomPB 

I feel that way. I know we had a wonderful amazing partnership but there are so many times I could have shown Susan more love,  appreciate her more, not be a grouch, let her make me happy....When I was complaining about some unimportant thing she'd say "But you have me" and only now do I fully realize that nothing else mattered. Susan liked to explain a lot when I was trying to get a simple answer. In our last conversation, I asked if the Dr said pneumonia could cause her cough, wanting yes/no, and she did the usual explaining. I kept after her, she finally said "yes", and I said something like "OK, you finally answered my question". Those were my last words to my soulmate. Then when the water kept running I didn't get up to check right away b/c I thought if she turned it on she should turn it off. Thats how 48 yrs of unconditional love ended, with not even a goodbye.

Marg, we almost broke up when I crashed from substance abuse. It was wonderful in the beginning, deteriorated as alcoholism progressed, almost ended, and then with my recovery just got magical again and better every year for the last 26. One of the many painful things is that, on  that good path, I believe that a lot of the regrets I have now would have been fixed with more time. 

Dee, I hear you. I've done everything I can, followed all the suggestions, about how to survive this nightmare. I have OK periods but the realization that Susan is gone always comes up and slams me at some point. I'm in one of those now. I've suddenly made amazing progress setting up a permanent Memorial after not being sure what to do. This is good, but it also amplifies the fact that she's gone. Even writing about her in the past tense hurts. I have friends and family who love me, but that love isn't a millionth of Susan's. I stay active and do things, but go home to nobody where once we were so happy. As this new life is revealed, it seems infinitely "less than" what we had. Sorry to be negative, but I'm in a low now. 

Off-topic but I can't resist, my sister has a horse farm and my niece Alex is a great rider, we're proud of her.

6 hours ago, Nicholas(Nick) said:

I don't know some heart bullshit they didn't and still don't know 37 years old and she dies in an instant.but yeah no idea even post autopsy they can't tell me not that it really matters chalk it up to the fuked up way stuff happens right?

Susan turned the water on in the bathroom while I was in another room. She'd been coughing a lot but no hint of a serious condition. After a while I realized the water had been on for a long time. I looked and she was lifeless in the bathtub. From wondering if she felt good anough to go to the ballet or give someone her ticket to gone in 10-15 min. End of our beautiful world. So yes my friend I get it. All loss of a soulmate is unspeakably hard but our version comes with traumatic shock. Please hang in there one second at a time. 

...and “‘Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch”

I’m not isolated, I have friends & family, things to do, and they don’t make up a millionth of what I had with my soulmate. 

9 hours ago, kayc said:

I know.  I felt lost for so long...now I just feel alone.

I can do both

19 hours ago, Rahn said:

As i am reeling from my wifes death and everyplace i go and just about everything i do reminds me of her and hits me like a sledgehammer. I was thinking of picking up and moving to a new state for a fresh start. Has anyone in here done that. If so did it go well or was it a mistake. I am in need of some feedback for some people that have suffered like i am now

 

Rahn, welcome to this sorry club. I try to just share my own experience and not give advice but I have to  suggest not making any big decisions in early stages.

It's an importanr question. I've stayed. Why? For one thing, I've been in so much pain that taking on a major project like moving seemed overwhelming. For another I'm a total creature of habit. Susan always said "🐼s hate change".

On the emotional level it's very mixed. Our home is like a shrine to Susan. I literally have that in the bedroom where I set out some pictures and mementos for my meditations. In addition, everything on the wall or in a cabinet, every piece of furniture, the plants, the rugs, remind me of her. A lot of the art is by her sister including pictures of us. The curtains in our bedroom are from her college dorm! When they sold their parents house she got a lot of things. The chandelier in the dining room is from that house. We did 2 major renovations and most of the ideas, even the shape of the spaces, are hers. I see her counter top, I see her backsplash, her cabinets. Susan was the Cookie Maker and I see her cookie making things when I open a cabinet. I could go on but you get the picture. Furthermore every brick in the sidewalks of Beacon Hill and many local establishments are memories too...

The question is, are these warm happy memories or do they bring the pain of loss. Currently it's mostly pain. My grief counselor tells me they will become happy memories. I'm unconvinced but willing to wait.

The other point is that this is a great place to live. Susan loved it. I would joke that maybe we should move and she'd go NOOOOO.

By now I've taken trips to some places we never went together. The absence of grief attacks triggered by memories is noticable. Then when I get home the memories rush in and an attack hits. Then I think maybe I unnderstand why people move. 

This is very personal. People constantly tell me "you can do whatever you want" and I say "I don't know what I want". Hopefully your path will emerge over time. Best wishes, TomPB

On 7/19/2018 at 8:42 AM, kayc said:

By now you've made it through until the next "special day".  Yes it is sad, very hard.

Yes. I wrote the card and got a fruit tart with a candle like we always do and set out a plate for Susan. I sang happy birthday and we made our wishes. I wished that Susan would come to me more and she wished that I woud enjoy my life. Then we blew out the candle together.

Yesterday was so beautiful that I took off for our favorite summer place, Ptown. Perfect beach day and enjoyed it but every sailboat coming in made me think "that should be us". I am so lost without her.

...and now it's here, Susan's birthday, 7/18. I had a party last year but today I'm just going to write a card and put it on the mantle. Some positive things recently but today just sad. I really don't want to do this without her 🐼😢

Thanks for the links kayc. Most of my friends get it, and I think the one in question never will.

I think we were the last people in Boston to get an AC, just a portable for the bedroom. Always used to say why bother, you only need it for a few days. Glad I have it. Also glad you don't need a car in a compact city w good public transport. Been car-free for 15 years. Now with car sharing and Uber it's easier than ever. Parking on the street on Beacon Hill was a nightmare esp in winter, and now is worse.

CarrieM, I totally relate. I'm at a little over 15 months. Susan also had no hint of a life threatening condition, and was gone in about 15 minutes, at home, while I sat in the living room. For someone whose life revolved around her I've reached out a lot. Most family and friends have been wonderful. I get OK moments but a lot if the time it's just ashes. New relationships seem superficial compared to what we had. The main thing that keeps me going is wanting to make sure she is remembered. Otherwise I don't see much point in the rest of my life. I'm lost without her.

To hear that you wouldn't guess that I took friends sailing yesterday, that I just got back from coffee with a friend, and tomorrow I'm going to the Cape with a woman friend and staying overnight! which is quite an adventure for me in this new grief world. Yeah, I'm keeping active and reaching out like they tell me. It's better than isolating and I have my moments, but everything is a wave. Better is followed by worse. I'm ready for it now. No good moment approaches an ordinary moment with Susan by my side.

Sharing with others who have lost a soulmate helps me the most and I hope it works for you. We're here and I'm sure there are non-virtual people around you. Of every pair of soulmates, one will go first and one will be left behind. Nobody else gets it and non members of this sad club can be very hurtful even with good intentions. I have a well meaning friend who works hard at explaining away some things she says, but bottom line she is very critical and judgemental that I'm not "getting over it" fast enough. 

Welcome and best wishes, Tom🐼

Brat2 that is beautiful. I totally relate. I also miss the little things so much, like our baseball caps getting in the way when we met and tried to kiss, or when she'd put sunblock on my back and say "have to be sure to get the PB ears" etc. Life is just so much darker without Susan's sweetness, no matter how I manage to put one foot in front of the other. I also write to Susan, and I write her response.

I know hard these anniversaries are. I had our 49 wedding anniv on 6/27 and Susan's birthday is 7/18. Hang in there and know your virtual friends are with you.

Picked up When your soulmate dies" again. This book really gets it. There are many statements acknowledging that losing the person who is the center of your daily life is not like other grief, and that "the deeper the love, the worse the grief". I know it's obvious to this group, but it's nice to see in print.

12 hours ago, irina S said:

I hate hate waiting time here i am already counting on my head how many more years till i can finally pass so i can be with my hubby i already have plot i have the urge to go now we did the pre paid burial thing before he pass he has his already and i have my plot but i can't stay sometimes no long and waiting to move and speed along the years to whatever i will pass.. I read and spoke some people the god posted marked each of us already when we going die i wish i knew from god what my age to die will be i need to know the number when i will pass already. I am doing on search like my year i was born and year how long i will be like ???? + 2030? or 2090 i know i wont live 3000 lol alll of us here will wont be here by 3000 i am trying not think about maybe the time will go by fast bc soon will be 2019 then 2020.. Do any of you count the days to go by faster. my religious beilef is if you do bad to yourself you wont able see your spouse in long long time.. so i try not to do anything to myself but if you pass from illness or natural causes or anything you will see your spouse.. do you ever wonder what age you will pass that god marked you in.

Irina, I can relate. I thought about resuming drinking, not because it would make things better, but because it might make me die quicker. The husband of an old friend died about a week after she did, and my cousin died 6 ms after her husband, and I think they really got the good deal. However I know Susan would not want me to hurt myself. My sister was talking to a psychic and the psychic delivered a message to me from Susan (even tho sister had not mentioned Susan!)  that "I'm always with him, I'm waiting for him, I'm worried about him, and he can't leave the planet before his time no matter what". So I don't know what I believe about the next life, but I have to consider the possibility that hurting myself might get in the way of being with Susan. Also the main point I can see to my life now is making sure that Susan is remembered, and I can't do that if I'm gone.

Despite my age I'm a competitive swinner. On sprints coach will say "get your heart rate up" meaning go all out. Right after 3/31/17 I was trying to sprint as hard as I could, holding my breath as long as I could, to get my heart rate up enough to give myself a heart attack and die in the pool. However it just made me tired. Best wishes, TomPB

Back from Ptown. Some good and some very painful reminders of loss, as usual. Beautiful beaches, one very bad interaction with the husband of one of Susan's sisters who we used to be close with as couples. Some amazing things happened which those who don't believe in coincidences sometimes call "godshots". I suppose I am less self conscious about being alone but still was seeing nothng but couples and larger groups on the beach and thinking "doesn't anyone go to the beach alone"?. Sad to be in the water and see my single beach chair without Susan next to it waving. 

One little incident really summed up this sad new life. A sticky label from a new shirt stuck to my back and I could barely reach it. Susan would have removed it joking about how 🐼 attract junk but I had a hard time and was ready to ask a stranger when I finally got it.

Then as on previous trips, coming back to what could pass as a shrine to Susan hit me hard, I can understand why people move. Best to all, Tom PB

Welcome Irina. We have abt the same time & most of what you said goes for me. Part of my problem is that Susan was too good. She loved me so much despite many flaws that it doesn’t make sense. Now I’m supposed to live without her. 

Thanks my friends. I have OK periods but then it’s back to seeing no point in living without her. 

Its cloudy & rainy in Ptown. My rental has a view of the marina where we moored our boat. On days like this we’d be stuck on the boat hoping for clearing, doing X-words, drinking coffee, fixing leaks...I tended to think it was clearing when it was not so Susan would laugh when I announced it. It was so nice to be boat-bound with Susan. I still don’t see how to be OK with that kind of loss. 

My family is divided too, the ones who demand jail time can be very mean to the ones who think impeachment is enough. 

Joking aside, today is our 49th anniversary, tho Susan has not been with me physically for the last 15 ms. Today I took one of her sisters & husband sailing in high wind & it was fun. Later it hit that I am ALONE and everything is pointless. Made myself a great dinner that Susan liked and cooking for myself seemed pointless. Going to the places we enjoyed seemed pointless.  Dear Susan I miss you so much. How can a poor old PB go on without you?

Darrel and Kay, so sad and beautiful. I had the opposite experience of an apparently healthy Susan with a minor illness dying in about 10 minutes. I've been told I was lucky, but I got shock and trauma and we couldn't even say goodbye.

6/27 is our 49 anniversary. I'm leaving for Ptown, our favorite summer vacation spot, in about an hour and will have our anniversary there. I know it's the opposite of what others here do. As with everything my feelings are very mixed. I love Ptown and I know I will be lonely and have grief attacks as well as enjoying the beach, ocean, food, and crazy scene. I did it last year at only 3 ms but had a lot more support lined up. A year has passed but yesterday I was crying thinking about finding her lifeless and trying to remember what went through my mind.

By pure coincidence Susan's family is having a reunion nearby at the same time!!! I told them it would be too painful for me to attend but now I'm planning to participate a little.  Actually I think they have not been very supportive and I am not sure if they still regard me as one of the family. I know a few of them do.

I'm bringing the heart she knitted for me for our last Valentine's day. Best to all Tom🐼

My friends, I hear you. We are all different. I've been on and in the ocean since childhood. Water is my element. If I was thrown overboard 10 mi from shore I'd just start swimming. Susan and I sailed through 10' waves and gale force winds without fear. Sometimes she called me the Panda Fish 🐼🐋. So while sailing was ours, it is also mine. Samuel Johnson said "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life". Change "London" to "sailing" and that's how I feel. 

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Darrel,

It took me ten years to get to the point where I could read books all the way through for enjoyment again.  And I used to have a couple of books going all the time!

It took me a year before I could watch any t.v. or a movie.  

And I still don't have my previous enjoyment of my hobby, making cards.  George used to love watching me make cards, he said I made happy sounds, like whistling and humming.  

So you're not alone in how you're feeling.  Keep plugging along, it can take a very long time but it can improve a bit, perhaps your interests will change, but you will find something eventually.  I do enjoy being around people again.  And I enjoy my dog immensely.

Our summer activity was sailing. We were a perfect team and were always ready to go on a nice day. Our favorite was "cruising", going away for a week or so and living on the boat. Last year I managed to reach out and get groups of friends to go out for the day. No cruising. Being together on a 33' boat is very intimate, and even if I could get someone to go with me, I'm not sure I would be comfortable with a non-Susan.

Now it's a year later, and I haven't been sailing. What's kind of disturbing is that I have no motivation to recruit people to go. I haven't got better, I've got worse. Do I not love sailing anymore? That would be a big loss.

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Comparison invalidate, not a good idea!

My soul mate's birthday is today.  I actually had a sister email me, I couldn't believe she remembered, usually no one does, it meant a lot.

❤️🐼

2 hours ago, Cookie said:

Seriously?  I'm sure they miss her terribly, but you ate, slept, spent all your time with her (like me and John) and besides loving her completely, just the enmeshment of both your lives makes the loss of hers so excruciating.  I am reading "When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt, which I think MartyT recommended.  If nothing else, it lets you see that you are experiencing the normal pain and disorientation of having half of you torn away.  He says it's similar to losing a twin if you want to try to compare it to anything.  Anyway, I needed it because I've really felt like I must be losing my grip.  No one gets this except for others who have experienced it, and I mean losing a soulmate.  I know other widows who have lost husbands and they suggest that I should be enjoying my freedom...(???) My heart goes out to you.  It is a great comfort to talk to those who know what this is.  Thanks for your support...Cookie

Exactly. They still sleep with their spouses and share the same love and support. They are not looking for a new point to their existence and trying to find their way through a whole new sad life. The comparison is ridiculous and offensive. I also got "When your soulmate dies" precisely because of the quote Marty gave which recognizes the uniqueness of this grief. Take care, I've found that after I get through a "big day" OK the hit can come after...TomPB