A&K

Hi everyone.🙋‍♀️

I’m sorry it’s been so long again. Gosh, its a new year, a whole new decade. Is that difficult for anyone else?  I feel like I’ve left people behind 🥺

I am continuing to struggle. My complex grief and complex PTSD is overwhelming and consistent with causing huge bouts of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I can function “ok” with most of it. But the panic attacks are severe at the moment. Nearly daily and multiple times. It’s absolutely exhausting. I hate having that in front of the boys. Caleb especially worried for me. Sometimes I have to go into the ER because the panic is so severe and gripping I can’t get it under control myself. Usually requiring a shot there which I hate but it works quickly. I’m in therapy weekly. I also attend a grief and loss group my therapist facilitates weekly. I don’t know that any of it is helping really. Most days I feel like I’m just going backwards aimlessly. My therapist says all the time that healing is not linear and sometimes it feels like you go back then you jump forward. I don’t know. 😪  I try to trust what she says she sees because she’s trained in this crap and she sees from the outside whereas I’m stuck in the middle inside it all. 

Honestly right now I am definitely on the struggle bus. On one of the most difficult roads I’ve been on in this journey. I’m very tired of it all. These panic attacks are exhausting. They literally make me physically sick. They try to take everything from me. No matter how I try to not let that happen. I keep fighting. It’s just a really hard time. My therapist says I’m in “survival” mode. And survival mode is not meant to be lived in. It’s meant to help you survive something. Not to live in and be on high alert and hyper vigilant 24/7. It’s just that I think I’m waiting for the next thing to happen, the next loss. And my love is not here, there is so much he would be dong that I now have to learn how to do for myself and the boys and it’s difficult. It causes panic too. Maybe I’ll always have this panic now. 🥺

Hope everyone is well. And if not I pray for whatever is needed in your life. Have a happy new year. ❤️

-Katie

Thank you all.  Your support means everything.  

I’m finding it so hard to get up in the morning or sleep at night or eat much.  My anxiety, depression, and grief are utterly overwhelming.  I’m in therapy and on medication.  But still I struggle.  For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I’ve lost my way.  😢  I don’t want to let my boys down.  But I’m just not that strong.  My heart has so many missing pieces from losing my husband and our children.  Sometimes I find it a real struggle just to breathe in and out.  And I feel so alone in the way I feel.  

Thank you. 

It feels good to know we are still thought of.  

My boys are the reason I keep getting up each day and keep breathing in and out.  As long as they are breathing I won’t stop and I will keep fighting against this overwhelming grief.  

Katie ❤️

Hi all.  I’ve not been here since February.  I’m sorry.  Things have been very hectic with Caleb and Ryan.  And I’ve been really “stuck” in this grief and pain.  Suicide of a loved one is so tough.  I’m really struggling.  I am suffering with PTSD my therapist says.  I have been trying so very hard to just be the best Momma to the boys that I can possibly be and I fear on a daily basis that I am not living up to that.  😢  And I miss my lost children so much too.  So much that I am paranoid something will happen to Caleb and Ryan too.  I would not survive should that happen.  

Im just really struggling.  I feel so alone...

Katie

Thank you @MartyT 💜

My emotions are so raw.  I’m still numb but at the same time I ache so bad.  I’ve been tearing up just by stupid little things. I’m so stupid.  😞

Happy belated birthday to you Marty sorry I’m so late 

love, Katie and the boys. 

Hi.  I can’t believe it’s been more than six months now since my dear Allen took his life.  I’m still so very heartbroken 😞.  I’m numb still and hurting all at the same time.  I don’t know if being hurt and numb simultaneously is possible.  Caleb still aches for his dad.  And Ryan is just too young at 19 months.  I exist for my boys.  They are my sole reason for getting up everyday.  I will ache for Allen for my entire life.  My girlfriend asked me the other day if I saw myself ever dating again and I said absolutely not.  My heart and life belonged to Allen.  How could she ask me such a thing?  It still takes everything in me to function most days.  Again, I do it for the boys.  

I read here when I can.  I don’t have words to help anyone yet.  My heart is with everyone ❤️

Katie

Hi everyone.  It’s been a while I know.  Christmas was harder than I ever imagined it could be.  On top of having two sick boys.  I ended up going to the hospital from my therapists office because I couldn’t contract for safety with her or my Dr.  My Mom brought the boys to the ER so I could see them and explain to Caleb mostly that Mommy needed to be away to be taken care of and that I promise nothing wasn’t going to happen to me and I would return.  And it wasn’t their fault.  Ryan of course is too young to understand.  But Caleb understood.  I then was admitted to the psych unit for 18 days.  I still have thoughts of not wanting to live but I’ve learned coping strategies to cope.  I’m in no danger as I was.  Im on meds to help me. I’m glad to be home with the boys.  This grief is so gripping.  I want to take my boys and walk away far far away from it but I know it isn’t possible.  I’m missing my love and our children we lost.  So very much it hurts too much.  

I pray for all of you.  I think of everyone often.  

Love Katie. 

Happy holidays to all.  I wish we all had our loved ones back. 

Im a mess without my Allen and our kids.  I’m just a mess. 😢

I miss my babies!  My heart hurts!   It’s so wrong to lose your children before yourself.  It’s just not right.  😢💔😢💔😢💔😢💔😢💔. 

Thank you ALL here.

im shopping for Christmas for the boys and I’m super sad and triggered that I’m missing Allen doing this with me and missing Gracie Noah and the other babies that belong here.  Life isn’t fair.  I want to scream it on top of my lungs or punch something but I know I can’t rationally do this. My heart is broken so much.  Caleb has been talking about Noah a lot as he has the most memories with him.  And he misses his dad so much.  Our family is so broken.  😢💔

So we made it through thanksgiving but not unscathed.  Myself and both boys are sick.  We all have strep throat and Ryan also has a double ear infection.  So mom is over with homemade soup and cuddles. I miss my husband very much.  Caleb really misses his dad right now.  

This is a long bumpy road... 

I miss my Allen.  There just aren’t enough words.  This was his favorite holiday.  He would do most of the cooking.  He loved family all around. It’s a sad day. Now.  😢

The holidays are sadly and painfully here.  

This thanksgiving I want to say I thank the Lord above for all of you precious friends here.  We all have the same loss.  It’s the worst way to become friends and “family” but it’s the safest place for many of us.  So thank you all for your love you’ve showed me and my family.  

Love and hugs

Katie-girl, Caleb, and Ryan.  

My parents and best friend are coming over and doing the cooking.  

Im having a terrible time emotionally.  It just never gets easier. 

Thanks everyone

yes im on an anti inflammatory med.  that’s really all that can be done.  It could last a few days to a month.  It’s not better yet.  Crying today didn’t help it.  😢.  And yes I’m sleeping in the recliner so the pain isn’t as bad.  

We are getting our first snow storm yay...  😕

I’ve spent six hours in the ER this morning.  I felt like I was having a heart attack.  That was ruled out.  Pneumonia was ruled out.  And blood clots in my lungs were ruled out.   I have viral pleurisy.  The most painful thing I’ve ever endured.  Laying down is excruciating.  It could last a few days to a few weeks.  😫

I’m continuing to struggle.  My boys are what keeps me going.  It’s been three and a half months since my love took his life.  It feels so raw still.  My heart just bleeds.  😞.  

Thank you all so much.  To be able to come back here and just say two words and get so much love means so much to me.  God bless you all.  

Struggling 😢

I appreciate your thinking of us.  I am home from a much needed hospital stay and happily with my boys.  I missed them. I will survive with their hands on my heart. 

I’m starting an inpatient program tomorrow as I’m just struggling without any retreat.  I need the attention and respite.  Probably at least a week.  Just wanted to let you all know.  Plz pray for me and for the boys as they will miss mommy.  

I really enjoyed the David Kessler course.  Very validating and comforting.