A&K

This evening is one month since my Allen committed suicide and I can’t get the image of finding him out of my head.  It’s only a month I know but it feels like forever.  I want to understand.  I think in a way I understand a little because I’m in unbearable heartache and don’t want to go on anymore.  But it stop there.  It stops with my children.  I won’t. I can’t do it to my boys and baby girl Riley Grace fighting to survive inside me.  One month... I wonder how others were at one month.  Heartbroken scared numb shock overwhelmed etc...  

baby girl is calming down.  Maybe in a couple days I will be able to go home to my boys.  But Dr said complete bedrest and I will stay on terbutaline for rest of pregnancy.  My girlfriend said she would stay with my and the boys when I go home.  I’m blessed.  

Katie

I’m laying in my hospital bed feeling baby girl move and feeling small contractions that shouldn’t be happening yet and I ask myself why I can’t just be over this pain and grief.  I’m responsible for this baby girl.  But I can’t get over the pain for my dear Allen and losing Lily Lila Noah and Gracie.  I can’t even say this baby girls name because Allen named her just before his suicide.  Her daddy isn’t here waiting for her.  He should be.  😢

@MartyT thank for the article.  Thanks for all you share.  

Katie. 

I’m still in the hospital.  Baby girl is still in distress.  I’m on terbutaline for some contractions that are going on.  I’m trying to not be upset but this grief and heartbreak is making things so hard.  

I miss my boys.  They are with my best friend.  

I’m in the hospital as baby girl is in a little distress because I’m having asthma and bronchitis breathing issues.  They are keeping me to keep an eye on things for both of us.  Having breathing treatments and started on antibiotic.  Baby girl should relax as my breathing improves.  

I can’t thank everyone enough for opening their hearts to me and my kids at this time when your own hearts are hurting.  It means so much to me.  Truly. ♥️

50 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  One thing you have not addressed is the fact your body and your mind is hormonal.  When the baby comes, your body will revert back to normal and normal for you will not be every other mommy's normal.  You have been hit with a Mack truck amount of grief.  One thing, as a mommy, you are thinking of putting Caleb in school with other kids.  I know you have anxiety about this.  There will be a new baby to take care of in 2019, a "terrible two's" little boy to chase and a young son in public school, who might grow with the proximity of other children his age.  We always worry about adjustments.  You are going to have so much on you as "Mommy" you will have to have help to find your Katie time.  This is both good and bad.  Your mind is going to be so occupied sometimes you definitely will be overwhelmed.  I hope your parents and friends can be there to help out.  

Katie, my loss is a feather compared to your weight of loss.  I griped because my family demanded (still demand) so much of my time.  I want to go hide.  I do get out in my car and ride my country roads as my "my time."  I have other problems you do not have.  You are so young my Katie-girl, you may have widow's brain where you find your mind wandering, forget things, live in a fog, but your widow brain fog will eventually clear up and your responsibilities will then be mind numbing.  That is why I hope you are close to family and friends.

And of course, right now you have to take care of Katie because baby inside you has to be taken care of.  Later on, you will still have to take care of Katie with super strength, you will have to be Supermom and they will take up so much of your time, sometimes you will begrudge the time, but it has its purpose.  You have kids who are going to give you little time for Katie.  But, in doing this, your mind will be occupied with soccer practice, baseball, getting infants ready to attend all this.  

As I said, Katie-girl, you already are a good mommy.  In the months that come, you are going to have to be Supermommy.  And that is why I hope you have friends and family to help.  You are young but still you need hydration, food, and most of all, something in short supply............rest, and time to grieve.  

Katie, I am 76 as of four days ago.  I have not worried about my "widow fog" in such a way as I do now.  I find my family telling me something happened that I have no memory of.  Sometimes that frightens me.  I have warned them all, I still drive, my car is a taxi for family.  I have to remember where things are located and when I go on my wild excursions to anywhere/everywhere, I have no destination, it is my alone time, I am not lost, I have no anxiety, but if they push me too much I see assisted living coming up and that might put things in different perspective for my whole family.  They don't want me in assisted living or a nursing home.  

You gonna make it Katie-girl because you are an involved Mommy.  No one says it is going to be easy though.  I think God made man strong, and at the risk of hurting our members feelings, I won't say God made women more intelligent, but you cannot  put a woman on this earth to have 12 kids in 22 years and still outlive her husband by nearly 30 years.  I don't know what we are Katie, but we have a strength that men do not have.  I don't think a man could have 12 children without an epidural and then take care of all 12 children.  I don't know what we have, I cannot describe the strength.............but it is there.  You feel it.  (I hope I have not written too much when it is hard to think one second from this moment and the pain is unbearable, but I saw the Katie girl you will be, you are not thinking of yourself, you are thinking, wondering if you will be a good mommy.  No worry, you have accomplished that already.

Hugs to you Ms Marg.  Thank you for all your words.  I send you warm fuzzy hugs.  ♥️

Is it normal to feel completely overwhelmed with agony yet numb and shocked all at once?

I managed to nap for an hour with Ryan and Caleb.  

I think I’m going to have to get Caleb back to school because I just don’t have it in me to homeschool him without his daddy.  I think it will be good for him to be around others.  

Yes I do know how long it will take for me to see relief from this heartache.  One second at a time is all I’m capable of.  I just hope I can be a good mommy.  

It’s 7am and I got no sleep again.  Caleb just climbed into bed with Ryan and I.  

I don’t know how to be without my love.  He took care of so many things.  Now EVERYTHING falls on me.  It’s so overwhelming.  And on the other hand it’s like I don’t care about EVERYTHING because I can’t wrap my head around his suicide.  Oh my heart. 💔😢

I’m having another sleepless night.  Forgive my multiple posts.  

Im holding Ryan as tries to settle.  He’s 14 mos old and he keeps saying Dada.  He misses his daddy.  Dada was his first word.  He’s feeling my heartbreak and Caleb’s too.  I’m sure.  And I can’t do anything.  I’m such a bad mommy.  

Allen could always get the kids to settle before I could if they were having a hard time.  My heart is so shattered.  My life is shattered.  I know I know I keep posting the same stuff. How much it all hurts.  I’m sorry...  😢

This song says so much in losing the kids and Allen.  💔

6 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Heard you, Katie.  🦋

Thank you Gwen ♥️

Here I am sleepless and in tears again.  

Theres no relief.  

💔💔💔😢😢😢

Welcome.  I’m sorry for the loss of your Mark.  Keep posting.  Everyone is supportive here.  I like the graphic.  Elequently true.  

Katie

I miss my twins.  This is the anniversary time when they went to heaven.  And Sept will be a year since Gracie went to heaven.  And of course I still feel so guilty for Noah’s passing because I didn’t make sure he was wearing his helmet.  

I miss my kids.  They were all my babies.  Yes I still have Caleb and Ryan and This baby girl due in December.  And I treasure them.  So much.  

But my heart hurts so much there aren’t adequate words to describe.  I met a couple people in the new grief group yesterday who’ve lost children and a couple people who’ve lost their husband.  So I think the group may be helpful.  

I just want to hold my babies once again.  I want to turn back time.  😢💔

Katie. 

I’m so sorry for your pain.  I wish I could answer your “what’s the point” question.  I have the same question.  The only answer I have is I’ve got to go on for my children.  

I wish you peace and comfort.  Come here often as we all get it.  

Katie

It’s almost 2am and I’m laying in bed on Allen’s side of the bed sobbing and wishing I could go be with him.  I can’t take this pain.  I guess this never gets easier.  There’s got to be a way to stop the pain. 😢💔

Thanks Kay. I finally am able to sign in and post.  Don’t know why I couldn’t fit several hrs.  

I went to my first grief group today.  It was difficult.  But I plan on attending weekly.  

22 minutes ago, Gin said:

Katie,

you are!!

gin 

♥️

30 minutes ago, Marg M said:

Katie-girl,

Marg, thank you for your sweet words and calling me Katie-girl is the sweetest.  ♥️

I feel so loved by EVERYONE here.  

Thank you Marita.  I’ve taken your words to heart. I believe you are brave too.  I don’t want you to lock yourself in a box.  I think of you all the time.  I should email more.  I will work on that.  ♥️ And hugs.  

I have my best friend with me.  I just don’t want Caleb and Ryan to see me this upset and down. Though Caleb is old enough to understand.  

Today is the worst day as of yet.  I just don’t want to keep going.  I am without my other half.  I had to let the boys go to my parents today as I need to work through this feeling of not being able to go on.  I am starting a grief and loss group tomorrow.  I’m scared to go.  But I promised my therapist I would give it a try. I can’t imagine the rest of life without my love.  I guess life will go on.  But I just don’t see how.  😞

It’s been three weeks since my love died.  Since he took his life.   My dear friend shared this with me tonight.  She thinks I’m brave.  That gift means so much.  I thought I’d share this with all of you because you are all brave too.  I wish I let Allen know how brave he was.  Before it was too late. 

Thank you all.  Today it’s three weeks since he left this world, my world.  Why does it feel like it’s been forever yet yesterday.  

I went to the cemetery.  I want to crawl in the hole with him for eternity.  But Lord knows I have to keep going for our kids.  I just want my heart to not hurt this much.  It hurts so much.  😢💔