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About olemisfit

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    Miami, Oklahoma USA

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  1. Hi Jame, and thank you for the kind words and thoughts. I went through almost my entire first year of loss without any kind of support. Happening upon Marty's group here has been a definite God-send for me. I encourage you to take advantage of the help and fellowship that is here for you in every way you feel comfortable with. One thing I think I can safely guarantee is that nobody is here to pass judgment or take advantage. I won't even try to speak for anyone else here, but in my case there may never be an end to my grieving over my wife no longer being with me. She was my anchor, my lifeline, and she kept me grounded and centered while we shared our beautiful life for 41+ years. I miss her terribly every day. She was an amazing woman. But we will be together again one of these days, When God decides the time is right. Everything I do now is to make sure I qualify for my ticket to get through the gate to join her there. That definitely keeps me focused. I know how you are hurting now. You have my sympathies. Getting through each hour one hour at a time is sometimes is all we can hope for. There's some wisdom in that old saying about not biting off more than we can chew. One thing we all learn as we trudge down this path is that we are stronger and tougher than we ever thought was possible. Hang in there. You can do this! One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  2. I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. I don't know if I'm a masochist at heart, or just what my problem might be. I don't even know if it really is even a problem. I'll let the brain scientists or the rocket surgeons figure all that out. All I know is every year now at about this time of this month a powerful case of melancholy comes over me that I don't seem to be able to ignore or overcome. Maybe I don't want to bad enough. I don't know the answer to that one either. I am the dull crayon after all. It was on Dec. 13, 2015 that I drove my Cookie to the hospital. She had been dealing with congestion and the sniffles for a couple of days, but we both thought that it was just another allergy-related issue that would go away. But on the 13th it was getting worse. She was on an oxygen machine leash 24/7 even at home, but on the 13th she started having a real problem breathing. So right after lunch that day off we went to the hospital. Finally about 7pm a room became available and they admitted her. And on the 15th she was moved to the hospital's critical care unit and immediately put on a ventilator. She never came home from that trip to the hospital. I have her ashes here at home with me in an urn, but she isn't here. I wonder sometimes if being on the ventilator non-stop weakened her body to the point to where she was eventually doomed to never be able to live without it. I used to have several of those "coulda-shoulda-woulda" sorts of questions I wondered about. On new year's day of 2016 I had to make that God-awful decision to turn the ventilator off and end her misery. During the first half of 2016 I had guilt issues over that decision. After all, even though my decision was legal in the eyes of the law, I did intentionally and with premeditation end the life of another human being. A human being that meant everything good and wonderful to me. Fortunately, those guilt issues don't bother me anymore. Almost the entire year of 2016 came and went without me having absolutely any kind of support. Cookie and I were not able to have children, and we had both outlived our families. So when Cookie was gone, I was literally and completely alone. When her health began to fail her I retired from long-haul trucking. She needed a full-time caregiver, so I retired from being a tough, macho trucker and came home to be her chief cook and bottle washer. Even tho I had no training or background for doing it, it was a labor of love. I would be lying if I said it wasn't stressful every now and then. But I tried to never let her see it. When I felt a stress attack coming over me I would grab the leash and take our dog for a walk. I still thank God for this little dog. After Cookie passed I probably would've done something really dumb---the kind of thing there is no coming back from. But knowing that this dog depended on me for everything kept me around. On Christmas Eve of 2016 I googled online grief help and found this wonderful place. For better or for worse ya'll are my family now. They say time heals all wounds. I know that in some good ways time has helped me. I will never stop loving Cookie, and I will continue to miss her until we reunite in heaven. Knowing that I have that to look forward to does sustain me somehow. These holidays don't mean anything to me anymore. There's no tree, or decorations, or anything else to mark the occasion. Dec. 25th is just another day on the calendar. I don't say any of this looking for pity. All things considered, I am okay. I do manage to stay as positive and upbeat as it's possible for me to be. I stay busy with a book I'm writing and other "things" that keep me busy and my mind occupied. But I sure do miss my Cookie. But I still manage to put... One foot in front of the other. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to my family here.
  3. olemisfit

    Solitary Grief

    Greetings and Salutations Everyone. Gwen you won't be alone in your aloneness this Thursday. I also will be. But then I am every day now, so there isn't anything new or different about it. My last Thanksgiving with Cookie was in 2015. By then she was very sickly and frail and bed-ridden except for trips to dialysis, but we were still together for that last one so it did matter. So this will be my 3rd one without her. I will spend the day being thankful for what she and I had and shared together and watch some football. Then Friday evening I'll watch OU whoop up on west virginia (when I say Boomer you say Sooner!). (A bit of trivia...) Cookie spent most of her life never understanding and thus not caring for the game of football. Then we got our first cell phones in 2003, while I was a truckdriver. Thank goodness for those unlimited minutes plans. If I wasn't home for a game she would call me and narrate entire OU games by phone. It didn't take very many Saturdays of that with me answering all of her questions about the intricacies about the game for her to gradually start enjoying the games as much as me. There was one particular time when I was going across I40 to California. A game started about when I crossed into Arizona from New Mexico, and we stayed on the phone until I had to stop to re-fuel the truck at Kingman. Those little memories like that mean so much to me now. I know that Cookie doesn't like it when she looks down on me and sees me wallowing in my self-pity, so I try to avoid going there. I'm finally able to enjoy reading books again, so I occupy myself some by doing that. And a number of years ago while we lived in Arizona Cookie wrote a historical romance book. It never made it past the rough manuscript stage. I spend some of my time now editing it, and maybe one day I'll get far enough along with it to "pdf" it. And I am in the research stage for a book that is only in my head at this point. So as long as we still have this internet thingamajig and I am still able to get to it I do manage to keep myself occupied. HAPPY THANKSGIVING to my family here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel P.S. The following gives me solace when I read it. So I'm just sharing it.
  4. Amen to that. Well said
  5. Gwen, it sounds like you & I are pretty much stuck in the same rut. As they used to say in Amway...Ain't it great"!!! I threw every bit of our holiday decorations away after Cookie passed. I just don't want to make myself look at something that I don't feel anymore. I'm not passing judgment on what anyone else does, it's just what seems to work best for me. Basically old Scrooge here has just turned into an old curmudgeon. Bah Humbug! Here's hoping you're feeling better by now.
  6. Oh Boy Howdy. The holidays are almost upon us. What a bummer!!! It was always our favorite time of year. Cookie loved to cook, and would she ever put out a feast for Thanksgiving and Christmas both. She always made way to much, but that was always okay. We both loved the leftovers. I was always convinced that she thoroughly believed the old saying about the way to a man's heart was thru his stomach. Did she ever know how to make our tummies happy. Every year she would make me a homemade (every bit of it) german chocolate cake for my birthday in February. It makes my mouth water now to think about how good they always were. Those suckers were heavy as an anvil because of all the ingredients, but were they ever good. The best ingredient in everything she made was her love that she mixed into it all. She was a "keeper". I wish I still had her! These holidays just don't mean anything anymore-not without Cookie. One Christmas she bought a bunch of small tree ornaments that were like miniature gift boxes. I had bought her a nice ring that year as her main gift, and hid it on the tree inside one of those ornaments. After all the other gifts were opened I told her that there was one more gift somewhere in the living room, but she was gonna have to find it. She never did find it---I finally had to get it off the tree and give it to her. With her, I always did have an ornery, fun-loving streak. The holidays were always fun with Cookie. Just being with her and near her were always enough to keep a happy grin on my face. So I don't smile or grin much anymore. And I definitely don't enjoy this time of year anymore. My happiness is in heaven now. But when she and I re-unite when I join her there we will both have something to smile about again. Having that event to look forward to is where I get the grit from to keep on putting one foot in front of the other each day. Cookie is my angel now. One foot in front of the other... Darrel P.S. I don't want to be guilty of spoiling anyone's holiday spirit, so I won't post anymore until sometime in January. Cookie passed on new year's day (2016) so it won't be until after that. Happy Holidays to my family here!
  7. olemisfit

    Head Count

    This is the time of year my wife loved. She loved Halloween. We even operated a costume shop at one time. She would've worked there without pay just for the chance to wear a different costume every day. I will admit that we had a whale of a good time doing that. And of course Thanksgiving and Xmas was always wonderful with her. Now this time of year is always depressing. It's habit by now so I reckon I'll keep doing the "one foot in front of the other" gig.
  8. Gwen, your first 2 comments that I changed the color of made me laugh at myself. I can remember what it used to be like to get back up off the floor sooooooo easily. Now I have to get on my knees (which itself can be a struggle on bad days), crawl on my knees til I get to something to support myself when I struggle to get the rest of the way up. I'm 6'3", so it's a long way down to that dern floor. Ditto about dropping things. I've always been a bit on the clumsy side, but anymore everything I pick up is coated in crisco. I think I have a good grip on things and they just slip right out of my fingers. If I threw everything away that I drop these days I wouldn't have anything left. And I do know what you mean about the empty bed. I had to leave our (I still think in terms of "our", "we", and "us") king size bed behind when I left the Houston area last year. The hurricane Harvey flood ruined everything that Cookie and I always thought was important. It's amazing how much water a mattress can soak up! When I landed back up here in Oklahoma I replaced it with a queen size bed. But even the smaller queen size has a big empty spot on it every night. My little dog sleeps there now, but oh how I wish it was Cookie. The things we got so used to and I suppose took for granted all those years our loves were still with us. Life was so wonderful then. Now what I have isn't a life. It's just an existence. Oh well, one foot in front of the other, I guess... Darrel
  9. Shirley, I'm so glad you had a better day today. As you continue on this journey you don't want to be on be sure you always notice and pay attention to the better days. You will have relapses too, but the pleasant breaks from this new reality will be like the light at the end of a tunnel. Like the old cliche, time heals all wounds. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  10. Gwen, I'll share something with you that my mother used to say to me when she would see me down in the dumps when somebody had done or said something unpleasant to me. In this case it would be you when you're around your boss where you volunteer. Just paste a happy grin on your face and let her wonder what in the hell you've got to be so happy about. My grandmother used to tell us kids that it takes fewer facial muscles to smile than it does to frown. If someone is trying to beat you down, don't let her win. She isn't worth it! Hang in there. We're all pullin' for ya. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  11. Something wonderful is happening. I have I guess passed a few good mile markers on this danged journey. There will always be potholes and speed bumps, but it's really nice to hit a smooth patch now and then. Cookie and I were both very avid readers. When we had to close down our book store we ended up with a lifetime supply of books to read. Since Cookie's death I have had no desire to read a book. I've tried to several times, but after a paragraph or two I just never had the desire to continue. And the same with listening to music. Something is happening. I am about 2/3 of the way thru a 392 page book, and yesterday and the day before I have enjoyed listening to several of the channels I have on Pandora. It's has really been nice and enjoyable. I'm not saying all this to brag. But I do want to share it with everyone who is floundering around (like we all do here) and feeling there will never be an end to all the misery. I will likely never find the end of this road, but if I can actually enjoy things every once in a while I will okay with that. Hopefully I will continue to want to read and listen to music from now on. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  12. Atta girl, Shirley! Keep up the positive moves and attitude. With that working for you, you will get through this. And I love the photo.
  13. My prayers for everyone in hurricane Michael's path. Doubly so since I've experienced 2 of them myself. Cookie & I lived in Houston in the 80's (I don't remember the exact year) when hurricane Alicia happened there. It was in August and we were without electricity for about 2 weeks. I drug our top king-size mattress out onto our driveway and we slept there until power was restored. Then hurricane Harvey Sept. of last year. When you lose almost all of your possessions in a natural disaster (like I did with Harvey) it makes you realize how unimportant "things" really are. Darrel
  14. I didn't catch a typo in my message. It was supposed to be "Cookie & I". Sorry 'bout that! More cerebral flatulence I suppose. We named her Sugar. We could see immediately that no name would fit her perfectly sweet disposition any better. The first 2 dogs we had were pekingese. The first one was the uncle of the second one. They both lived a little bit more than 18 (human) years. Every one after them were all rescues. Rescues always seem to be so appreciative and loyal. Cookie & I were never able to have children so the pets all became our 4-legged "children". One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  15. Do ya'll mind if i butt in and show mine off? She is a"rescue" case we gave a home to in Dec. 2011, so I am only able to guess at her age. She's 10 or so now. The perfect size for apartment living. The best guess I can come up with is that Cookie had about 15-16 dogs during our marriage, and all but the first 2 were/are rescue cases. Darrel