widow'15

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I do not want to do this surgery.  I cannot see me mentally being able to handle it.  Even it I was theoretically better physically, it still leaves other conditions to tackle and possible new ones.  There isn’t a gut motivation to keep fighting.  My world has become medically centered and I don’t want to live in that world.  To say I have no choice leaves me feeling more a prisoner.

Gwen:  Clearly the surgery is a frightful decision for you and once all the pre-opt issues are settled it is still your decision if you should go forward with it.  I wish there would be an easier path for you.  Each morning after deciding I must get on with another boring, uneventful day alone, I struggle getting out of my bed with my ancient achy bones I can't imagine being in such constant pain as you.  I understand the lack of gut motivation to keep fighting your battle with medical offices and procedures, and not wanting to live in such a world.  Life without our dear spouse makes us prisoners for sure.  Please know you are in my thoughts as you fight this battle.  Hugs, Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Not planning on having the surgery in early February.  I won’t do anything until I am vaccinated.  Will see what the February 4th assessment says about my condition.  I called my cousin and cried.  She emphasized I don’t have to do anything I am not ready for.   I have no plans of scheduling a date for this.

Gwen:  Oh, okay you at least have been given the ok after other big steps are taken first.  Will still keep you on the top of my list for "Happy Good Thoughts" for your February 4th assessment.   I agree with your cousin, you don't have to do anything until you are ready.  I have to give you a lot of credit for choosing to be vaccinated with the new vaccine.  I think I have decided I will wait a while longer before making an appointment for the vaccine.  With my boring lifestyle I have no problem staying away from people a little longer and will continue to wear a mask should I have to be out in public.  Take care.  Dee

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I got the news yesterday my back surgery is approved.  They wanted to schedule it for the first week of February.  Now this nightmare is real.

😱 Gwen:  Just read you are finally approved for back surgery.  Oh my, the first week of February is not very far away.  Or, is there another date scheduled?  Gonna have you at the top of my list of "Happy Good Thoughts" heading your way.  Hugs, Dee.

Gin:  I totally understand your saying "I'm just so tired of thinking about it".  Your Al's Birthday is a tough reminder of how difficult it is without our dear husbands.  The recent loss of your brother tops off your sadness.  Sounds like the weather is not much help either.  Hugs, Dee

15 hours ago, scba said:

My heart is broken in million pieces. I don't know how to say goodbye to my dog. 

Ana:  As I read this my heart is breaking for you and my eyes are full of tears for you having to say goodbye to your sweet dog.  I deeply feel your pain and wish there were words to lessen the pain you are going through.  This is the hardest thing to do for us who love our animals so deeply.  I can only repeat Gwen's concern, I hope you will have someone with you and you are not alone.  A great big hug to you and your fur baby. Dee 

59 minutes ago, scba said:

Home schooling has failed across the world. There's no vaccine to close this gap between poor and wealthy that seems to get wider and wider.

Warning:  I apologize for my venting to all who have responded to this topic:   I agree that this definition of "Home Schooling" is failing.  I can only relate that there are so many different reasons that this type of educating our youth has not been the same in all school districts.  My son, a truck driver, has had to report to work daily since this pandemic horror.  He has been labeled an "essential worker" so all those at home have groceries to eat, clothes to buy, businesses to attempt to stay in business, or hospitals supplied with their needs, etc, etc.  His son, age 14, who is under his roof 50% of the time, spends less than 4 hours on line daily with a teacher.  A daughter, age 10, in another school district does spend more time on-line learning.  To add to this, her mother is required to work from home.  The mother's 16 year old son is on-line from another school district struggling, as he has fallen behind in his classes.  That is three different school districts attempting to educate three different children with one mother working at home.  In my humble opinion, that is a lot to expect from a family.  I cry for the children whose parents are unable to afford or oversee their children's on line schooling.  But, I have little sympathy for the teachers who won't go into a classroom but are still drawing a salary paid for by our hefty taxes.  We are definitely losing a generation and those who are managing an on-line education will be the ones to "pay the piper".   Enough said. Dee.   

25 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

This is getting repetitive as I have become because of being forced to be someone I’m not and don’t want to be.  Tho maybe not fighting it is key as it hasn’t gotten me anywhere in all the trying.  Maybe it's time to surrender and accept being a prisoner of loneliness.  I think I have, but it hurts so much.

Gwen:  I am glad you got some rest and imagine the realization each morning that once out of bed, the pain sets in for the day.  It is good to know there is an alarm on generator. 

I hear your concern about being forced to be someone other than yourself and wish there were some easy solution to your pain without having surgery.  You have made it this far without surrendering and am sure you will continue on doing what you know is best for you.  This loneliness is the same for us all but at the same time is not the same because of so many differences in our present situation or our past when we had our partner.  Just please know I think you are an true survivor of a bad situation.  Hugs, Dee

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Last night I found I was not getting any oxygen.  I thought I had felt a bit odd all evening.

Gwen:  Hoping you were able to get some sleep last night.  Sounds like there should be an "alarm" on your oxygen supply when it doesn't work properly  ???.  Hoping to hear from you soon. 

Sorry you were enable to enjoy your candles.  I so hope this monsoon we are experiencing will end soon although the local weather channel doesn't predict it will.  I just keep telling myself, at least it isn't SNOW.  Take care, Dee.

Gin, my heart goes out to you and your family with this loss.  Keeping you in my thoughts as you all walk this path.  Hugs, Dee

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Dee, does your son have a dog you can visit with in your new home?

kayc:  Yes, he has two elder labs; Sasha, age 15, and Nevada; age 13.  I know they won't be with him much longer, but they are sweet and special to my son.  I am hoping my being there I can keep them company during his long work day.  My Maddie used to annoy the heck out of them, as she was an Australian Shepard Mix so would try to herd them.  lol.  Dee

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 Right now I miss Ally more than him.  It makes me feel terrible to say that.  HE made my life for decades and HE left.  Ally stood by me.  Kept me aware of the good times.  Touching her I could travel to the past and find solace hugging her.

Oh Gwen, I so feel your sadness here.  Our fur babies were our support for those years without our husband.  There are no words I can say to lessen your pain, but maybe your knowing I care how you feel will give you some comfort.  This horrible Pac NW weather hasn't helped one bit either.  I don't even have the courage to drive in the constant, grey miserable downpour.  Take care.  Hugs, Dee

2 hours ago, KarenK said:

.... it also doesn't hurt to have 2 large dogs that bark like they want to eat you alive

I agree Karen, 2 barking dogs are perfect.  I so miss my Maddie alerting me every time someone set foot on my driveway.   It was good your son was standing with you, too.  I am surprised salesmen are knocking on doors or selling during pandemic.  I haven't had anyone knocking on my door since this began.  Must be your living in the sunny SW.  lol    Dee

Tamera:  I am happy to see you are able to go forward.  I do earnestly believe that our loves are always with us.  You have taken on so much in such a short time I envy your strength and courage.  Your new home sounds lovely.  I understand your guilt feelings about smiling and laughing.  I found myself with those same feelings but because my husband's ability to enjoy life as he once did and his constant ability to make me laugh throughout our life together, I became to believe he would not want me to be unhappy and sad.   There are moments every day that I release my tears and think how can I go on.  Once the tears are dried, I feel him looking at me with his beautiful crystal blue eyes telling me to just take one step in a positive direction. 

I lost my husband over 5 years ago and I am just now at the point of making a change of my living situation.   Your selling your house and accomplishing the task of building a new home is quite amazing.  I have done that task in reverse with a lot of help from my son and son-in-law.   I had a small manufactured home built and placed on my son's property first, (a Gramma House) and soon will move from my present home.  The next big step is to sell within the next couple of months.  The pandemic created a lot of set backs due to county permitting offices being closed, workers unable to work, etc., etc.  A 6 months project turned into a year long project.

You are blessed to have a grown son, two beautiful fur babies, a new home, and are able to work and find contentment even though it may never be as perfect as when you and Richard were hiking together.   "May you live your life now as you should and have your heart smile".  Best to you, Dee

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

It is now 12:01 a.m., 2021.  I wish you something akin to happiness, all of you.

Thank you Marg, it is now 12:01 AM Pacific Standard Time, and I wish you and all on the Forum the Best in 2021. Goodby 2020. Hugs, Dee

2 hours ago, Gin said:

Brother has pneumonia.  On hospice now.  We just had a zoom meeting with him.  Like a goodbye.    Gin

😢  Dee

2 hours ago, Gin said:

Kay,  8 more days.

Gin:  Keeping you in my thoughts.  Sorry you and your family are dealing with more and more.  Hugs, Dee

Tom:  So great to hear from you with such happy news.  It is a perfect way to know that all of 2020 has not been unhappy.  Life can still be amazing for some of us.  Dee

Yes, Marg I too so miss the hugs from my son and my grand kids.  Thank you for your big Virtual Hug.  I can only imagine your worries knowing your son works in a hospital and are thankful your two children survived the virus.  But, need to ask, what is the significance of Kelli having lemonade in her refrigerator ?  Vitamin C ?

I rarely get to see my grandson due to my son only has him 50% of the time.  This past weekend my son and grandson came over to work on emptying out Bob's workshop in preparation of me moving from my home I've lived in for the past 23+ years.  When my grandson stepped into my entryway I had to fight the temptation to grab and hug him like I used to do.  I think he was happy to see me, cause he was wearing his great big smile until his Dad had to remind him to put on his mask.  Times are so different.  I wasn't able to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with them so spent my time watching TV to keep my mind away from loneliness.  Take care and hugs back to you.  Dee 

11 hours ago, Marg M said:

Honestly, I feel this same way.

Eeyore, my favorite Winnie the Poo character, always knows how to show feelings.  Glad you shared this little guy.  One Christmas my daughter gave me an Eeyore ornament for our Christmas Tree.  This year I didn't decorate so he has stayed packed away.  Hugs, Dee

I am so sorry for your loss of your love.  I can only join Marty and kayc in their words in reading your tragic loss.  You have taken the first step by joining this forum.   My heart breaks for you as you have to walk this path.  I lost my husband over 5 years ago.  I am still taking one day at a time and constantly telling myself that one day at a time is all I can handle, sometimes one hour at a time.  Dee 

4 hours ago, kayc said:

I don't think he understands how great is my handicap right now.

kayc:  I understand what you are saying about our kids not understanding our "handicaps".  My daughter seems to grasp my situation, but my son thinks once I am all moved out of this house and living on his property I will be different in my ability to move better.   He fears losing me so much as he still hasn't faced his Dad's death straight on.  When my Mother was suffering with dementia years ago I thought moving her to a retirement home where she would be around people would solve the problem.  I wasn't being honest with myself, denying her mind was failing.  And now, here I am seeing a similar situation in my son.  Guess he comes by it honestly.  Don't get me wrong I am happy he cares but wish he'd sit and listen to me.  But, like your son, he doesn't have the time.

Maybe by the time your son has the time to instruct you how to use the snow machine your strength will return.  Dee

Oh my, Karen.  Yep, good thing you never told your parents about your adventure with the cowboy.  I'm learning more and more about those, "don't tell Mom" adventures from my kids as they leak more stories.  No wonder I have a full head of grey hair raising my daughter.  LOL.  My daughter would have loved living your 3 years in Wyoming.  Have to look up Darby, Montana, and see how close that dude ranch was, can only remember it was an hour away to Bozeman.  Will ask my kids.  It was sure beautiful country.  Dee 

53 minutes ago, KarenK said:

I frequented some rough cowboy bars in my much younger single days. Cowboys are a tough breed.

Karen, sounds like you lived an interesting life as a young single.  Yes,  to say the least cowboys are a tough breed for sure.  The only time I ever came close to cowboys was when, we as a family, went to a "dude" ranch in Montana for a family vacation.  We were the silly city slickers.  My daughter, age 14, fell in love with the wrangler and always dreamed of living on a ranch.  Actually, the dude ranch must have been close to where Yellowstone was filmed.  My poor son, age 10, ended up in the Bozeman Hospital for about 3 days.  He had an sinus infection behind his eye which caused his eyeball to bulge, he looked like cyclops.  When I brought him into the emergency room they questioned me as if I had been abusing him because his eye looked so awful.  I commuted from hospital to ranch, an hour drive each way, for about three days of our vacation while they cured the infection behind his eye.   Other than my son's hospitalization, it was a fun vacation.  On the way home back to Tacoma we drove to Yellowstone Park.  Good to know a "cowgirl Karen".  Hugs, Dee  

On 12/26/2020 at 9:40 AM, KarenK said:

Paramount tv is running the 3 seasons of "Yellowstone" all day today. You can have your "Rip" and I my Kevin Costner. 😁

OK Karen, I have you to thank for my spending the last two days in front of my TV watching episodes of Yellowstone.  Being an old woman without a DVR, I had to jump up between commercials to get anything done.  I had never watched Yellowstone even though my daughter who would have given anything to be one of those females  carrying the American Flag before a rodeo,  had suggested I watch it.  But, must have enjoyed each episode cause I couldn't turn it off.  I only wish I had a nickle for each time the "f" word was used.  Pretty rough and tough in some parts.  "Rip" is easy on the eyes as well as Kevin.  Thanks for reminding Marg to watch.  Dee     

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I am grateful for this place and every one of you.  💖

Gwen:  Yes, so grateful for you and every one here.  I wish you a Blessed Christmas even though it is almost over for this year.  Give Melody a Special Holiday kiss.  Hugs to you both, Dee