widow'15

Thank you George for your thoughts.  It is good to read you are managing.  I think we are all counting the minutes and we can say Happy New Year 2021 and keep 2020 in our past.   Merry Christmas, Dee

13 hours ago, Marg M said:

I have to keep having him repeat (this has happened so often), names change, always fictitious names, which is good cause I could not pronounce theirs.. Finally I have to tell them they need to transfer me to someone who understands my language.  I speak "southern great grandma" English as my 2nd language.  So, they do.  

Marg: Same with me.  I find myself on my laptop and telephone a lot lately as I make changes to different accounts in preparation for my move.  After asking them to please repeat what you just said more than 3 or 4 times, I have to tell them, in a very nice slow voice, you are speaking to a 79 year old lady with limited computer skills and vision problems.  If you want me to understand you, you are going to have to speak slower.  So far, haven't had to ask for "southern grandma" English.  Will keep that in my memory bank.  Dee

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

I will say my boobs know how to call Kelli on the Kindle.  I went to sleep and the Kindle fell on top of my chest.  I kept hearing Kelli say "Mama, Mama" and then Bri came in laughing.  Somehow I had camera phoned Kelli in my sleep and she and Brianna were just laughing because I have no idea how to use the camera phone on the Kindle, didn't even know I had one.  I kept seeing some ugly gray haired woman with half a dozen necks in the corner screen and Kelli hysterical laughing.  I still don't know how to camera phone. 

Oh Marg, you are a hoot.  Love how you can make me laugh with your words.  Thank you for that.  😂  Dee

6 hours ago, Marg M said:

Dee, we have many home videos that I need made into CD's.  I cannot open these boxes with his name on top.

Marg:  I totally understand you saying you can't open the video boxes with Billy's name. I recently bravely opened a video that my son recorded with his phone of Bob reading a story to my Grand daughter.  The video was made just months before he passed away.  Once I got past the initial tears I was able to complete viewing the short video.  Listening to his voice after 5 years was painful, but sweet, at the same time.  After viewing the video I told my son about finding the video in my emails.  The next time we were together he showed it to my GD and she sadly has no memory of her PaPa.  So sad cause as a toddler she would always be drawn to him instead of her Gramma.  She always wanted to be near him.  There are many other recordings of his voice, but they will have to wait awhile longer before I can listen to more memories.  Photographs are bearable, but not the sound of that distinctive voice.  Would love to hear that voice alerting me he is home.    Dee  😢

kayc:  Such a beautiful picture of you two frozen in a perfect time.  I can imagine how you must feel when you look at this memory.  Just beautiful. Hugs, Dee

The community that I have lived in off and on since 1973 has an annual Santa on a fire engine parade through this little "berg".  Last night a waving Santa came down my street with bells, sirens, Christmas lights, and music.   After I played back the video, I attempted, I could hear myself crying as it brought back happier memories of the years when my two kids would be waiting for the fire truck with Santa aboard.   And, then my neighbor's kids dashed out of their house laughing and calling to Santa which made me giggle to hear their laughter and happiness.    😢 Dee 

Karen:  Will have to add your statement "We can't be all things to all people all the time" to my list of memorable quotes/sayings.  It is a great reminder to us Mothers who have always been there for our kids.  It's a hard pill to swallow though having to face this reality all alone.  Thank you for stating that.  Dee

Marg:  I too am glad you are staying with the group.  I had written yesterday why I would miss you and I do mean every word.  You and I are close in age, I'm 79, and your words are words I have shared with my small family about Christmas gifts this year.  only have two grandchildren and gave my son money to do my shopping for them.  I have threatened my family about buying me any gifts.  Over the past years I have purchased each one of my grandkids a box cookies from a specialty store here in Tacoma.  They are little star shaped chocolate covered shortbread cookies.  It has become a Gramma custom.  I hadn't been to this store since Christmas 2019 but thought I could attempt this simple feat for my two grand kids.  I masked up, grabbed my cane and was able to find a parking space not too far from front door.  I stepped behind a couple standing in the designated wait spot, the store limits numbers of customers inside.  Suddenly I noticed there was someone standing behind me, I turned and apologized that I had stepped in front of her, and at that moment saw there was a long line behind her stretching around the corner.  The much younger lady said no problem and I think I saw others behind her nodded it was ok.  My vision fails me.  Once inside, I found the cookies, found a checkout line markings displayed on floor.  Standing in line I read all the markings, signs as I stood waiting for my meager purchase.  As I stood, I thought what has happened to this world in just a year's time.  I am in a world I don't belong in anymore.  I, too feel unwired in this world more and more.  I will try not to give in totally, so happy to see you will too.  Hugs, Dee

Marg:  I can only repeat Ana's words, "You are an invaluable member and you will be missed".  I understand your reasons you have stated and loved reading your posts.  You are blessed with a wonderful gift of sharing your feelings.  I do hope once 2020 is past, you will reconsider and let us know how you are.  Being raised in the South, I have always enjoyed your stories as they reminded me of where I came from way back when.  Much love and hugs, Dee

Sorry folks, looks like I posted my reply 3x's.  I tried to delete a duplicate message but evidently I don't know how to do that.  My old laptop is ready for the junk heap.  Sorry.  Dee

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It sounds like the changes coming are hitting you hard about the move and I wonder if memories of Bob are going to get more frequent.  This is a massive upheaval in your life.  Being in pain only makes it worse.  Actually, I think they feed off each other.

Gwen:  Thank you for your sentiments about my day yesterday.  It helps to know someone understands one's pain.  I agree, even though I know my upcoming move is necessary for me, it is playing on my emotions.  The "massive upheaval in my life" is a perfect description.  The virus shutdowns and county permitting issues have only prolonged the agony.  My plan when I made this decision was to be moved and resettled by now.   I am blessed to have family support in this move, so I come here to complain about my emotions.  I try not to add to my son's worries.  He already has enough on his plate with family and work.  Thank you for understanding.  Hugs, Dee   

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I was unusually comfy in bed this morning.  So hard to leave that.

Gwen:  Funny you would say this cause this was how I woke this morning, feeling comfortable and cozy.  Although, it wasn't after a lovely dream as you experiencing a kiss on the cheek.  I was thinking I need to get up and moving since I was supposed to drive out to my son's house today since the weather was agreeable.  After putting on my glasses and seeing the time, I knew the day was pretty well over for such a long day plus once standing in an upright position, every joint in my body screamed with pain.  After letting my son know the visit was off I began the morning ritual of waking up with coffee, breakfast and a feeling of despair and depression washed over me cause the day was turning out to be a beautiful day and I couldn't take advantage of it.  As I finally got dressed I thought I heard my doorbell ring.  No one ever rings the doorbell anymore without letting me know first.  By the time I got to my front door there was no one there.  Sadly, laying in my entryway was a beautiful Thrush that had evidently crashed into one my tall front windows.  I started crying, shut the door and prayed, God, please let it be stunned and will fly away.  The Thrush was one of my husband's favorite birds and each time I see one in my yard I want to believe it is him letting me know he is still watching over me.   Just now as I went out to get mail, it was still laying there.  I gingerly picked it up, crying and moved it away until I can get the strength to find my shovel and bury it, asking why did it have to be a Thrush.  This would have been done already if Bob were here.  He was always my rescuer.

I think about mailing Christmas cards but haven't had the follow through yet.  I have received only two and will be surprised if there are anymore.  Some in my generation have passed away or many just use Facebook to share Greetings no matter the season. 

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I wish I could offer more than sympathy, but I truly am sympathetic to your plight.  Praying for you, for your sleep, everything! 

I, too, wish I could do more for you and am sympathetic to your plight.  Take care, Dee.

Missy, it has been over 5 years since I lost my husband.  His death was unexpected even though we were facing his bladder cancer diagnosis.  In that first year I felt I had to change my landline answer machine with his voice recording.  Now, I regret doing so.  I had my son record a new message, instead I should have just purchased another answer machine or purchased a new tape.  My brain was not computing at that time, my heart was destroyed by his sudden death.  Verizon erroneously deleted messages from his cell.  I had planned to keep his cell with his voice message.  Your having to move so early in your grief must have been painful in so many ways.   Just now, I am preparing for a move from our home and it is not going to be easy even though I have been preparing for over 9 months due to delays created by the Covid issue.  Each one of us are going through the loss of our husband, spouse, or partner and have such differences in how we deal with that grief.  It took me two years before I could remove his clothes from his closet, even though I still have not gotten rid of all of them.  I wear his wedding ring on my right hand and my wedding ring on the finger it has always been.  I will always be "Mrs".  Whenever I receive those printed address labels with my name, if there is not "Mrs" printed on it, they immediately go into the trash.  

Please try not to feel any guilt for your decisions at a time when grief is in control.  You are so early in your journey and I can only hope you will find some solace from this forum as I have.  Take care, I am so sorry for the loss of your love.  Dee

6 hours ago, kayc said:

This is out in the boondocks, was a small town that burned up, hardly any homes survived, he bought one that did.

kayc: Was this anywhere near Detroit Lake?  My SIL lost a cabin to fire that was on Federal land near Detroit Lake.  My husband and I visited their cabin only once years ago before they remodeled it and then lost it this year to the fires.  Beautiful area and very secluded.  I haven't discussed it with her yet, I think they are trying to deal with the loss.  I know they were devastated.  Dee

10 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 Tried today, but she’s all bothered by the leaf blowing going on across the street.  My brave protector, ha!

Gwen:  Thank you too for posting Mel's picture.  She is so pretty and has such a sweet face.  She doesn't look stressed from the leaf blower noise.  I don't blame her being annoyed with leaf blower noise.  Sometimes I have to come inside to get away from a neighbor who thinks he has to blow every fir needle off the street along his property.  He is rightfully named, "Mr. Blower Man" by another neighbor.  LOL. Dee

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Trust me, he's adorable!  And so good natured!

Awww kayc, he is so adorable and he still looks like a stuffed toy.  Thank you for posting his picture.  He made me smile.  His good nature is probably because he knows how much he is loved.  Dee

9 hours ago, kayc said:

 (Him and I stuck to our Keto and ignored the mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls, creamed green bean dish, dressing, and pie.)  Today I'm paying for the 5 1/2 hours of driving I did because my hand is very swollen and sore now. 

kayc:  You are one strong woman.  You turned down all those wonderful Thanksgiving dishes.  Sorry your hand is painful today.  But, I can imagine the delight in being with your son, DIL and grandchildren again. 

I have been hoping you'd be showing a picture of Kodie one of these days.  Last photo I saw of him, reminded me of a stuffed toy.  Dee

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 I take up space now and probably shouldn’t be living alone.  I could go on and on whining.  That’s what’s become of a once vibrant me.  And THAT is what is killing me as much as the physical. 😓

Gwen:  I feel your sadness as you say you are of no worth due to your health issues.   The most difficult part besides needing your Steve is the grief you have had to face this past year and now trying to find a way to address the surgery.  If you need to whine, you know you can whine here as much as you want.  We all care for you.  Love and hugs you will find the strength as you get through another day, Dee 😢

1 hour ago, Gin said:

we have to be thankful for the good things in our life.  Being alone is sure hard.   Gin

Oh Gin I am so sorry for all things happening with your family.  Like Marg said, we never stop worrying about our family.  The  hardest part, I think for me is, I can't help fix it like I used to be able to do when I wasn't alone.  You and yours are in my thoughts.

It is nice you will have food dropped off your Thanksgiving meal.  Thanksgiving Hugs, Dee

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

but the house needs to look like it is being watched (mail, lights) and I have no one to do that on a regular basis.

Gwen:  Here goes Gramma's advice you can ignore if you like.  Do you have some of those timers that lamps are plugged into.  I use them all the time just to turn lights on and off in my living room should I be away from the house.  I also think my neighbors use them all the time cause I never see them over there but their lights go on and off during the evening.  There is a website for the post office where you can stop your mail or even view your mail that is to be delivered.  I get a message in my email every time I have mail.  Saves me having to walk outside to my mailbox in the dark to see an empty mailbox.  Our street must be the last street delivered.  Mail comes sometimes at 6 PM.  Again, just thought I'd offer suggestions.  You are allowed to "DELETE" this post.  Hugs, Dee

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks for the birthday banner.  I may be spending it in the ER tomorrow as I’m having another day of excruciating pain.  Supposed to call the intake nurse this afternoon.  This doesn’t solve the fact I don’t want this surgery and all it entails.  I’m losing it about how trapped I am.  Can hardly function with the pain and terrified of being cut open and my spine being forever altered with hardware.

Gwen:   Ditto Happy Birthday wishes for you on Wednesday.  Am so hoping it won't be spent in the ER trying to manage your never ending pain.  If you do go with the surgery I am keeping you in my thoughts as you will come out the other side with relief from pain.  I can't imagine arranging all you are faced with, but am sure as efficient as you are about details, you will accomplish your goal.

I am not exactly sure which surgery you will have but in listening to my daughter describe her back surgery from years ago which involved hardware compared to the back surgery my SIL had months ago with hardware, the recovery time had improved considerably.  My SIL is 78 years old and feeling so much better now.  Hugs and Birthday wishes.  Dee

17 hours ago, Marg M said:

I remember a lady in her 90's (I think) when they were taking away people's estrogen hormones as a daily dose. 

Marg:  Your story about a lady in her 90's triggered a memory from my memory bank.  I must have been in my early 50's way back in the 90's; and beginning that fun time we females entered into; was in my doctor's office and asking if I shouldn't be on hormones cause I was having so many symptoms.  He didn't feel I needed them.  Further into the discussion I stated I know I would never jump off the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, but am beginning to understand why some women feel the need to.  He immediately opened his desk drawer handed me a questionnaire on suicidal thoughts.  I must have passed the test, cause I left his office with a prescription for estrogen hormones.  Maybe he wasn't listening to me the first time I asked ?  Dee

On 11/20/2020 at 1:12 AM, Gwenivere said:

 Dee, you have one and having to decide what to keep or not is something I don’t know if I could face voluntarily.  A-small example is a set of crystal glasses he bought me just because I admired them, showing me he noticed.  I will never use them again, but seeing them is a part of us.  Those little things take up space.

Gwen:  Your crystal glasses have sentimental value of a beautiful memory of your Steve's love for you.  I totally understand your feelings and shed tears reading your pain. 

These past 5+ years I have struggled with leaving our home but was not at that point for different reasons.  The second or third year that I was alone I looked into an over 55 community closer to my son but would have had to give up Maddie due to restrictions on pet sizes.  Maddie was 70 pounds of love and gentleness.  She was part of my life that I couldn't give up.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, my new home will be considerably smaller in size which will be easier to clean and will be less worry on my son.  Through the years I have been eliminating items gradually to my kids.  Just yesterday my daughter sent me a picture of her ongoing bathroom remodeling.   I had to laugh, as most of the items displayed were items I had given her.  She is her Father's daughter; her decor is fishing/nautical.  She plans to hang a fishing pole her Dad used as a child on the wall.

None of this is easy to do, but being alone without our loving partner magnifies our inability to make any kind of decision for what would be best for our future.  

On 11/20/2020 at 12:02 PM, Marg M said:

Kelli informed me I would not be in any of them and I'm sure she would take good care of me, she is/was a nurse, mostly for the elderly.  We don't know how we will leave this earth and it will happen, when it happens.  If you can't leave your house.......don't.

 That was my kid's reaction when I suggested moving into a retirement or assisted living situation before the virus set upon us.  Now that the virus is ruling our life right now, it was probably the right way to go.  My husband's 92 year old Aunt is in a beautiful A.Living and is really struggling cause her kids aren't able to visit her.   Each time I call her, she breaks down in tears she is so sad and lonesome for human/family contact.  She is allowed to go into the dining area but not able to have close contact with anyone other than the caretakers who work there.  The wet winter weather has eliminated her walks outside for now.  So sad.

I agree with you, "If you can't leave your house....don't."    Dee

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I called scheduling and no non essential surgeries til February.  This is considered non essential (I’d like the people that decide that to live with it even a few days and say that) and they are looking at February.

Oh Gwen, I just don't understand why this would be non essential surgery.  I was relieved to read you felt the neurosurgeon PA was at least listening to your concerns and questions in a compassionate way.  I do hope your doctor can provide a manageable plan for you for the next 2 or 3 months.   Not sure why you would have to give up the Xanax.   My daughter, during her 20 years of suffering with her back pain her pain management doctor prescribed Xanax as well as opiods so she could function.  She continues to take Xanax with the pain pump as she battles anxiety.   Keeping you in my thoughts as you face this battle.  Hugs, Dee

4 hours ago, Marg M said:

I can't do it even yet Dee. Brianna makes fun of my many plastic boxes, the biggest ones, piled in my closet, at the end of my bed, and against the wall.  She wants me to get rid of them.  I opened the first one and so much of Billy jumped out at me I had to close it and still won't open it. 

Marg:  I understand totally about your saying "Billy jumped out at me."  I have reacted in the same way so many times.  I am beginning to feel the delay caused by the virus, etc., delaying my plans, is supposed to be this way since it is so hard for me to part with so many reminders and memories so quickly.  I have needed the time to let 51+ years of memories go.  It took me close to two years to begin to let Bob's clothes go.  I still haven't parted with all of them as I am comfortable wearing his sweatshirts and big old comfy knit shirts.

I would have loved to have stayed in our home until my time came, but after over 5 years of living alone I am finding I am not able to work outside to maintain the yard.  My old 79 year old body is rebelling louder and louder.  And since my son lives about an hour away from me I have very little contact with my 2 grand kids.  They are growing up so fast I can't believe the years are flying by.  You were smart to move back to your little hometown and blessed to have your family with you.  Their being in your life gives you the purpose to make the decisions to live a life the best you can without your beloved Billy.  Your packed and stacked boxes are giving you comfort and are your way of showing your family how much you care about them.  Part of my motivation to make my move was to eliminate a good amount of my belongings so my kids wouldn't have to deal with it some day.  

We each have a different path we must take, don't we ?   Dee