Kieron

Yeah, it's a little like being a pool ball and occasionally being knocked by a passing ball and rolling a little ways away.  And sometimes you get knocked into the hole and you're out, for that game anyway.  😒

Laurie, I can see from your profile that he died not even 1 week ago and I assure you your feelings, anxiety and overwhelm are totally understandable and normal and natural.  I'm sorry to say this is just a very early stage in your grief.  🙁  It does get easier with time, but it's something you will have to consciously and intentionally lean into, just like you would lean into a very stiff and strong headwind, to keep your balance.  All of us here have been where you are, and I remember very well how it felt.  I must have said "I can't do this" a million times in the days and weeks afterward.  

I got the impression from another post you made that he took pills....?  And now you are full of questions, regrets, what-ifs, etc.  I really hope you have someone nearby that you can talk to in person or over the phone or by video chat-- some kind of human connection is vital at any time but especially now.

I, too, am sorry you find yourself in this club that no one wants to join.  All I can say right now is that, with respect to the title of your post, I have said or thought that very same thing countless times.

It's hard to believe I've been part of this place for 2 years now.  😲  Where did the time go?  I think I found it by searching for the terms "grief" + "second year" as it was hitting me like whammo at the time, which would have been 18 months or year and a half.  I read somewhere that this point is a hard milestone.  i certainly found that to be true at the time.

It's a guy thing.  We aren't exactly encouraged to discuss feelings and emotions, especially not when growing up.  Some men are good at connecting on an emotional level and some are not.  Same goes for women, although they probably get more practice or encouragement, or social pressure to do so. 

I agree with Marty, and I hope you can find someone in your area to talk it over with, even if only by telephone or video chat.  What you're describing is corrosive to your mental health, on top of being a new parent.  You've got to get the feelings out so you can examine them critically and have someone who is neutral and objective examine them with you.  That person can sometimes help you see a new perspective, because we all have blind spots.  Often, this kind of thing becomes an echo chamber where all you can see/hear are your own thoughts.  Having someone else's input will help you gain perspective. 

Karen, I wish I could send you our rain.  It's been raining regularly here.  We're tired of it.  I've noticed a trend toward more wet summers in recent years. 

Interesting that you all are discussing this topic, of home, downsizing, moving away.  I'm waffling like crazy over staying here in this big house, as well.  I don't know how or why, but the housekeeping seems endless --but it's just me and the cat!  I understand the emotional aspect of it all too well.  I almost sold in the autumn after Mark died, but decided I wasn't emotionally ready.  A friend lived here for about 18 months but recently moved away, as planned, so it's once again just me (and the cat, and the cat hair....🙄) but we spent a lot of time over the warm season fixing up things, making this place more sale-ready.  I sold off or gave away some furniture last summer.  I have a realtor already and notified her I was thinking about it again as I was feeling like I was in a good spot to do the deed.  A month ago, I was pretty much ready, and purged stuff with carloads of donations, filling the trash collection a little bit each week so the city sanitation wouldn't squawk about it, etc etc.

And then I realized well duh.  I do need a place to live, next.  I would still have to have a job.  And then there's this damned pandemic.  I looked online at various places in the region but can't decide if I want another smaller house, or an apartment or what. 

Long story short, I developed some cold feet, I guess.  I feel utterly ridiculous occupying this big place by myself, in a time when people are losing their homes or looking for somewhere to go.  If that don't beat all... life is so weird.  🤪

I agree, it was pretty irresponsible on his part.  🙄  No filter?  No internal editor?  he should apologize at the very least.

Kay has the Voice of Experience here.  🙂   Have you considered using "I statements" when discussing his mother with him?  If you're not familiar with them, I-statements are stating how you yourself feel about the situation, the person, the behavior.  "It bothers me when I see this happening..."  "I am hurt when you say these things..." "I feel attacked when you say/do/act like this" or "I don't like how this situation is evolving."  By avoiding starting out with "You..." you can thereby avoid putting the person immediately on the defensive, like so: "You always/you never/you do this/you don't do this" etc.

And in any case, it's tough for a man to be in the middle of two people he loves, in different ways.

Some years ago, I ran across a blog written by someone with a PhD in psychology or psychotherapy or something, who posted an entry about something s/he referred to as  "seasonal soulmates."  In this blog entry, it was theorized that people can be soulmates for a shared moment of chit-chat, an hour's heart-to-heart conversation, a day's romp out in nature, a summertime fling before going back to routine life, or a lifetime relationship, and it need not be a relationship that includes personal intimacy.  Sometimes one soul recognizes another, for whatever cosmic reason, and nothing will do but they must connect and enjoy one another's company, for however long, in whatever form.  Sometimes the connection doesn't mesh with society's expectations or rules, and sometimes the price is too high for one to pay, and things go awry. 

I know what it's like to have my primary relationship frowned on or sneered at, but at least when the time came, the supporters silenced the saboteurs.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

It would be good to have a visitation arrangement in place, payment plan. 

Agree with this.  Set limits.  Your kids' safety and well-being come first. And if you by some chance get accused of holding a grudge, remember this:

Or if you prefer text, try this:  https://www.crisistextline.org/

I agree with George.  Let these slide.  I made a point of thanking with notes the people who made a memorial donation to a nonprofit he supported in his lifetime,  in lieu of flowers, or who gave me money (which was unexpected), because that is how I was raised.  For the simple condolence cards, I didn't go to any effort to reply.  Being a new mom, I would suspect you have quite a grace period to respond!

And if people are expecting a quick response, well... too bad for them.  You and your needs come first.

Today was rather demoralizing in a new way.  My state has a mask mandate in public areas, stores and restaurants.  While doing errands, I stopped at an outdoor farmer's market to see if there were any fresh produce items only available this time of year.  I noticed someone I got to know before all this pandemic crap, at least pretty sure it was him, but he walked right by me twice and didn't see me.  I guess I could have said something, but I was already in a sour mood and didn't have the energy to try to interact with anyone today. 

I don't fault him, he was probably preoccupied looking for whatever he came for, but what does bother me is that all of us wearing masks makes us faceless, even to those we know.  I have a hard time hearing people through these damned things so I just don't even really try anymore.

I really wonder sometimes if society is turning into The Matrix, each of us isolated, asleep and alone inside a fictional world, hooked up to virtual reality.  I don't like this.  How do I get out of this timeline?  😢

12 hours ago, Bing said:

I'm sorry for babbling here. I'm still trying to sort myself out. In trying to give you some thoughts that make this less horrible, it just proves to me that it can't be done.

I think it makes perfect sense.  As a writer, I struggle often with coming up with the right words, and you have laid out some lovely turns of phrase in just a few posts, already!

I'd have to say between 1pm and 3pm, especially when there's little or nothing to look forward to-- which is often.

Oops! I stand corrected.  As Mark would say, "I can't be good ALL the time!"  😁

Gwen is right, it would be triggering all the time.  Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program or somebody who handles employee leaves of absence, bereavement leave, etc etc.?

Since I am of working age, I can speak to this: it wasn't easy.  I was lucky enough that my employer didn't object when I said flat-out that I was taking 2 weeks off after Mark passed, and wouldn't be back until a certain date, and to cancel everything and excuse me from required meetings.  No one stopped me.  It may be that my workplace involves mental health, or else they value me that much.  I really don't know.  This freedom isn't the case for many folks in the workforce and I am well aware how fortunate I am for this.  When i did go back, I was able to compartmentalize long enough when working that I could function, but once I was away from other people, it wasn't unusual to bawl in the car or more quietly in the restroom.  It's just hard to stop the flood of flashbacks, recall, memories, regrets, etc and the aching void that always threatens to swallow you in those early days.

Everyone is different.  I'm a guy so it's a little easier to be stoic, maybe.  Can you ask to work a half-day and see how it goes?

I'm sorry to hear that her inconsistent behavior continues, and i think that your detachment is natural and understandable.  A person can only extend and give of themselves so much before emotional fatigue sets in and resentment follows.

i can't think of a thing to add to Kay's post, except perhaps about anger.

16 hours ago, Jeyrah said:

I am angry because I feel I am stuck in a jail cell cut off from our world and from our family. I am just so angry and I feel selfish for feeling this way. 

As you probably know, anger is a sign that boundaries were crossed or violated.  Expectations are a form of boundaries, when you really think about it.  We expect that people will behave in a certain way and when they don't, we may get angry.  So your anger, from my perspective, is understandable, and you expressed perfectly why you are angry: you're cut off from being able to share in the grieving process with others who know/are close to the one who died.  What's important is what you do with that anger. 

I like your family's suggestion not to take the kids.  That is sensible, and depending on how old the kids are, they may not be able to understand the situation, and always their safety comes first.  Kids don't need to be exposed to adults' ugly feuds and dramas-- there's enough of that going around already on TV etc. 

If you go tomorrow, it's never too late to take the high road.  Maybe just go, sit in the back or to the side, be unobtrusive but present, to show your love for the brother who died and show respect for his family.  If your BF starts in on you, just don't engage, just take that good old high road and say you're here to show your support and love because that's exactly what you're doing, isn't it?  He can't stop you from paying your respects, and if he does, it looks really bad on him.  If he acts aloof, then you still know you took the high road, and he's the one who's handling it wrong, not you.

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

"fools names and fools faces always appear in public places."

I had to sit down before I fell down laughing.  That's THE most perfect way to put it, and it's funny because it's true!  I love it.  I have already memorized it.  🤣

12 hours ago, TameraSanders said:

I’m trying to get my eating and appetite back to somewhat normal.  I have gone days not eating more that a bite and not hydrating.

I know from experience that such a devastating loss often results in a disrupted appetite, but I would caution that hydration is all the more essential at this time, especially when there are the frequent tears and crying spells.  I remember being incredibly thirsty during that time, and it made sense then and makes sense now.  You do need to replace that lost moisture in the tissues, which will help you flush out your system as well.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm just wondering if our whole world is NUTS! 

Yes.   🙄  In some ways, social distancing is serving a good purpose: it keeps us far enough away from the idiots to keep us from slapping them!

As for this pushy person, I would have blocked her just for being so preachy.  If I was on Facebook, that is.