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About Kieron

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Partner, best friend
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  1. That's your intuition speaking. Sometimes it's called "gut feeling" or "a hunch." Listen to it. I'm sorry for this betrayal of your trust.
  2. Ugh. I know men grieve differently than women do; we need time and space, it's true, but what he is doing to you is emotional abuse. Yes, he is suffering, but he's dumping his pain onto you and creating more pain. Besides that, he's giving you mixed messages: Go away, but don't return my stuff. I see you at work, but I act like you're a stranger. That then creates more pain. That's emotional abuse. I suspect you know this because you even used the word "discard" to describe how he is treating you, like you're disposable. Of course you have. I would be concerned if you still trusted him after this treatment of you. As you say, anyone who behaves like this --and worse, treats you like you no longer exist--even in the foggy days/weeks after a loss of a parent or anyone important, well, there is something wrong-- but it's with HIM, not with you. I will defer to more experienced folks who will no doubt chime in soon, but I hope you will realize it's not about you, it's about him. None of us here can take away the pain you're feeling, but the pain is real.
  3. Sorry for this additional ripple, Gwen. But what an apt metaphor you shared! That's exactly how it is for me.
  4. Two years ago today, I had never really heard of sepsis and what it can do to a person. Two years ago today, he collapsed from what turned out to be septic shock, but not caught early enough. He rapidly deteriorated and became so deathly ill that he had to be put on a respirator, and his body artificially cooled down to combat the high fever as the infection took over, and given antibiotics to stop it. And that was just the beginning. It just went on and on and on and on... I look back at myself and all the hours and days and evenings spent in that intensive care unit, and I wonder what resilience and strength kept me upright, all the while going to work when I could. It's surreal. Like a bad dream that's burned into your memory. Someone on his Facebook posted about how her and her partner's lives have changed as a result of her advanced ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease) taking her muscle control away, and it just brought the grief all right back up in my face again. Is there no end to it? Is it a bottomless well that just keeps disgorging itself?
  5. George sounds like quite a gem. That's how Mark was as well. Being a big man himself, these clothes of his will fit other big men who are hard to fit comfortably, who need to look decent for a job interview or to qualify for a loan or whatever. I just need to let them go out into the world.
  6. Now that's a sentiment we can all get behind!
  7. I am so sorry. The tearing pain is the worst in these days and weeks and months immediately after. It really feels like having been torn in half, ripped out of the ground like a deeply-rooted plant and left to slowly wither. 😟 We understand all too well.
  8. These last few comments remind me of a song with a lyric fragment that has never left me. It was written to memorialize someone who had grown up way too soon and died alone. The song is "Boy Blue" by Cyndi Lauper and the fragment I think of is this: "And when we wake up old beyond our years, Not quite as brave as we seem, It's just the pain that never disappears."
  9. Kieron

    It hurts so bad

    I'm sorry to welcome you to the club no one wants to join, Amy. Elsewhere in another thread you mentioned how the grief comes "in waves." That's very true. Like a giant sea-wave rolling in, all you can do is let it knock you to your knees and bow your head, and then lift it again when you can.
  10. I say this to myself often. I exist in my home and go through the motions of going to work etc. doing daily chores and tasks but all the time wondering, "Why am I still here?" Can't make up my mind whether to sell this place or stay longer. Maybe this is what the old concept of "limbo" is like.
  11. LOL Tom, that's right to the point for sure! Sometimes that's what you gotta do.
  12. There is indeed. I had dinner with 2 friends who saw me through the last intensive care before I had to let him go. We talked about how much has changed for us all since then, and reminisced... "Remember the time we went to this one restaurant with you and Mark, well that place went out of business, can you believe it?" Things like that. Not avoiding his name or his memory at all. So there are some decent folks to counteract the insensitive blockheads.
  13. Ouch. Ana, that's horrifying that someone would imply that he was at fault for his illness, and expect you to move on after 2 months. Unbelievably rude. Sorry you had to experience that. 😕
  14. It was in the tone of voice. Maybe he was being flippant, or trying to lighten the mood, but it was right on the heels of my reply "I'm okay." It came off badly, and maybe he was kicking himself afterward. I haven't stayed in touch. I noticed I just feel worse after talking to him so it's better not to try. And we're both guys, so it might be a guy thing, but I wasn't having any of it. Which is unfortunate as it is difficult for me to make friends, as it is. Gwen's "just peachy" comment is one I'll probably adopt for myself. 😊 I have sometimes used "it's complicated" when people ask how I am doing. That usually gets an "oh..." and then they change the subject.
  15. I can only shake my head at the insensitivity lately among people I know offline. A friend emailed me to relate how her furnace went kaput and caused all kinds of damage, dealing with repairmen in her home, etc. I responded with sympathy and mentioned how we had had ours replaced about 4 years ago, thankfully, because I would not want to deal with it alone, and how it's been 2 years this month since Mark collapsed etc., but otherwise I didn't go into detail about him. She responded with more about the furnace woes and what else has been going on with her, etc. Not a word in reply about Mark, not even "Wow, must be hard this time of year" Or, you know, something. 🙄 Then someone else I know made an insensitive comment some time back, bad enough for me to just cut him out of my life and move on. September was difficult in the extreme this year, being a year and a half since, and his birthday month, and the onset of autumn and shorter days. We happened to chat on the phone and this so-called friend asked how I was doing. My response was "Okay." That's my standard answer. He spouted off, "Just okay? Well, that's not very convincing." And this is from someone who lost his own spouse 5 years ago! Just reading that in print makes me shake my head in disbelief. Can people be so dense and thoughtless? He should be kicking himself for making such a stupid remark. I know I would if I had blurted out something that idiotic. Tonight, I caught myself counting all the people who have vanished from my life that I thought were friends or at least good acquaintances. Except for a few true-blue friends, the rest have moved on. People! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯