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About Kieron

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    Advanced Member

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Partner, best friend
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Gwen, that is so poetic. The writer in me loves this. There was something else you said in some other thread that caught my writer's eye. I'll have to go look for it. So well said! 👍
  2. haha, I just meant there were things about Gwen's post that I could cheer on, hence "Upvote", and things I could relate to or empathized with, hence the "heart." Maybe this 😍 would suffice for both.
  3. I wish I could simultaneously "heart" this and "upvote" this, Gwen.
  4. Gwen, it was during this time that I came to realize that the sayings "Only the good die young" and "No rest for the wicked" are two ways of expressing the very same concept.
  5. Mark, welcome to the club no one wants to join. I recognize the feeling of "nothing left" after the caregiving years, having filled that role. It's messy, and it's complicated, and by now almost everyone around you probably expects you to have moved on, or at least they have moved on with their own lives. I hope you find some measure of solace in responses from those who have been through this already.
  6. Welcome to the club no one wants to join. After 25 months into the journey I never signed up for, I still have bad days, hours and minutes. Right now I am awake at 2:30 in the morning because I can't sleep for having had too much caffeine too close to bedtime. This has given me time to dwell on his last days, and various what-ifs, the ol' woulda/shoulda/coulda.song and dance you're no doubt going through. You're solidly in Year 2 of your journey, and it's very normal to have these bad days, "switchbacks" as I think it was Darrell that called them, where you return to ground you thought you'd already covered.. I'm always surprised by these pockets of sadness and tears I encounter every day or so. But it will gradually grow softer in its intensity, even though you will never stop missing your partner. ❤️
  7. Rae is right. Your self-awareness and insight will carry you a long way in this. I haven't been through such a life change as this one but I do recognize when someone seems to be able to "check-in" with themselves. Fantastic analogy, Rae. 👍
  8. So sorry to hear this, Steve. Something similar happened to me, too, while I was still in a tailspin after losing Mark. Someone who was staying in the house during the aftermath took, among many other things, a very special type of stone that is said to be drops of the Aurora Borealis, or Northern Lights, fallen from the sky (Labradorite, if anyone is curious). Both of us loved this stone because I found it on our last vacation trip in July 2016, and I had it in both our hands while he was taking his last breaths. All I have left of it is a photo. The other things that were taken were just "stuff" in comparison, but I didn't notice these items missing until it was much too late to call the police-- that's how out of it I was. It was sickening and made me feel like I had taken a sucker punch to the solar plexus for a second time. After the discoveries, I locked every screen/storm door as well as interior door, and put a metal bar on a window that had a loose security thingamajig, so it couldn't be forced open from outside. 😖
  9. Please, go ahead and write. All of us here "get it." The grief does soften over time, as Shirley says, but it's important to let it do its work on you.
  10. Good one, Gwen. I listened to that one all last summer, which would have been about 1/3 of the way through Year One. I think I was struggling with blame, where to assign it, whether I should even assign it. I came to realize that Mark had played a role in the way things ended because he didn't tell me what he wanted or needed, and when rehab center staff asked him if he needed anything, their charting/care notes indicated he only said "No, I'm fine." I think he just wanted to go, and I don't blame him for not wanting to face a life of only continuous pain, dialysis 3x a week, and needing constant care. But I wish he would have said, "I just want to come home and die." I may never understand why he couldn't do that. Maybe it's a "guy thing." Maybe he didn't want to be a bother to me. 😥
  11. I hope it's OK to post YouTube videos (although it doesn't appear as anything more than a link below). This song came to my attention, and these lyrics in particular moved me tremendously. It speaks to those rare and beautiful relationships you mention, Mitch. "Nobody Knows" written by Wesley Schultz, performed by The Lumineers. "Love is deep as the road is long, It moves my feet to carry on, Beats my heart when you are gone, Love is deep as the road is long." https://youtu.be/6q5Zn_ZkehM
  12. That's me, as well. Many mornings, I feel as though I have little or nothing to look forward to until it's time to go to bed and start the cycle all over again.
  13. The pain has to go somewhere. This is probably one of the best and safest places for it.
  14. The writer in me appreciates the way these ideas are framed. I can feel the beginning of a poem stirring. I won't think about it too much for fear of scaring it off. I just might borrow from both of your comments 😏
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