Kieron

Do you qualify for Medicaid?  In some states it's called Medical Assistance.  If your situation applies, it might be worth checking into as it covers whatever Medicare does not.  It might open a door somewhere down the line.  And Kay's comment about subsidized housing/low income housing wait lists is solid.  You at least would have something to fall back on for living space... eventually.  People drop off the wait lists for lack of response, no phone, moved away etc. so you might see your name hop and skip right on up the wait list registry.  At least that is often how is it in my state.

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Depression and grief complicate physical maladies.

They sure do.  I noticed it in my physical body, and doubtless will do so, again.

Knock on wood comes from an old superstition about faeries or spirits (sometimes called dryads) living in trees, and to knock on wood was to avert bad luck.  If I remember right, before cutting a tree for wood fuel or lumber, it was customary to knock on the tree to wake up the spirit and let it have time to leave and go to another tree, so that cutting the tree wouldn't injure the spirit somehow.  I took a class in comparative mythology and learned that there are a lot of beliefs, folk customs, superstitions etc about trees and the natural world in general.  I think the saying evolved to knock on wood to avoid jinxing oneself or having bad luck.

Just your factoid of the day.  😄

I have similar experiences as the two of you.  4 years ago yesterday  Mark collapsed from what turned out to be septic shock.  The morning of the day that it happened, I was impatient because he was feeling scared and anxious about something and I didn't take the time to find out. maybe he had a premonition that something was wrong.  I wasn't patient with him as I wish I had been and then later that day, I got a call that he had collapsed and was sent to the hospital.  That's when the nightmare really began. 😥

That's really too bad.  🙁  People don't keep their word or even call to say, "I'm sorry, something interfered, let me make it up to you."

33 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I really don't have it in me to be a caregiver again, as selfish as that is.

I don't agree that this is in any way selfish.  Caregiving is draining and exhausting and you're already depleted.  From my own personal experience, I'd estimate your reserves are close to zero.

Certainly!  It covers a lot of ground.  Take what you like from it, and leave whatever doesn't fit.  He does make some good points that most can get behind, I think.

http://drummerthesoulawakeblog.weebly.com/blog/thanksgrieving

Gosh, that is a hard week indeed.  I am sorry, Gin.

I'm sorry, Jim, those must be difficult and horrifying memories that keep coming up for you, with regret overlaying everything.  Also, I'm pretty sure no one here would take offense at what you say.  it's heartfelt and comes through clearly.  I have similar regrets.  There are times I remember being irritated or picking a fight about something, only to find, in retrospect, that i can't even recall what started it.  Stupid.  🙄

I, too, remember Carrie's and Debbie's one-after-the-other passages.  I once worked with a woman who died a month or two after her husband passed.  She would say, "I miss my Roger!"  I guess one day her heart gave out.

A very important figure in my life who does spiritual coaching has put up a blog entry titled "ThanksGrieving" in response to this particular American holiday, as he believes the US, as a country, is overdue for confronting some of its long-ignored grieving processes.  Regardless of the political overtones, I think it's good for us as a country to acknowledge losses, disappointments, missed opportunities, and so on.

I wish we had another way to say "Happy Birthday" when a person isn't in a place to feel it, for whatever reason.  "Many happy returns" and things like that come to mind but there's still the enforced cheer and false front and compulsory positive attitude.

5 hours ago, Marg M said:

I am so far from sane I need binoculars.

Never intending to make light of this topic, not ever, but Marg, that is priceless. 😄

For the dog fans here.  😁

I've been letting two longtime friendships drift, and it's been made worse by the pandemic. I'm not sure why it's somehow easier to just let them slide away.

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 It does change friendships.  String ones survive it.  Many sadly don’t as I have found,

I'm finding this out, too, but as I said elsewhere, you can't make new old friends, so what do you do?  (Rhetorical question)  For the current pandemic, there are so many parallels to earlier pandemics that society didn't acknowledge or care about because it only affected a narrow segment of the population.  Now, this one doesn't discriminate.  Everyone is worried about it, or should be, but there are still some who don't care, or don't believe it's real or that serious.

17 hours ago, scba said:

I didn't see it coming. I love my friend.

  Ana, we usually don't see it coming.  And of course you love your friend.  I loved my two friends noted above and still do and I don't know how to be around them anymore, with the dynamic having changed by their behavior, words or assumptions.  The small insult/disregard/trespass probably isn't worth the cost of losing the relationship, but in a way, it has changed the tone and I don't know, any more than you do, how to repair it, or if I even should.

Ah, I knew I had this in my voluminous files... I feel like Dumbledore searching through his laboratory. 

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The docs have to talk with each other as this is a combined situation.  They will be ordering possibly conflicting meds.

Ugh, reading this drives me crazy because, here in this region, there would be the possibility of a care coordinator (depending on your ins/coverage) to go to bat for you, intervene, organize, make calls as needed, so it wasn't all on the person experiencing pain/ill health.  Mark had one.  She stepped in when there was an issue with medical ride service or other home-based services.  What these clinics, hospitals and medical folks don't quite grasp is how, as you have indicated, the pain becomes all-consuming and leaves you no "disk space" in your concentration to juggle multiple matters that a person who's not in pain can easily handle.

You know what else pisses me off?  Clients at work who have traumatic brain injuries or chronic pain always tell me they appreciate that I "get" this about their capacity to handle day-to-day tasks.  Some days are good, other days they can't do a thing, and often professionals make a judgment call or consider them lazy or shiftless.  I don't have a PhD... yet I instinctively understand this and try to give the person choices about what they want to tackle that day or that week.  I have wondered if excessive degrees and book learning makes people blind to deeper issues or complex webs of causation.

Oh no, Kay, it's always something.  Just what you need now.  😒

I agree with Karen, Gwen.  This delay makes no sense when it's a quality of life issue.  I'm baffled. 

I read somewhere that in the US we have this subconscious attitude, a Puritanical holdover from a previous age, that pain is "meant" to be endured, which is why we don't treat it as a disease, or we practically punish people in pain by withholding treatment, or shaming them for their reaction(s)-- which is to relieve it in any way possible.  With respect to addictions, it's starting to change and be seen as a disease-- rather than a personal failing--but we haven't gotten there with pain.

Working in mental health as I do, I can see the writing on the wall.  As an confirmed introvert, this is getting to me a little more each day.  I even broke down and got an iPad so I can FaceTime with people.  Not that I like seeing myself on screen, but it sure beats the plain old phone at times.

Somehow overlooked these last few posts.  Sorry, Karen, for the difficult anniversary and related reminders.   Those sensitive points in life always ache. 

It's interesting you all are discussing houses, homes, downsizing, and moving/not moving.  I've been purging slowly and downsizing and considering leaving this area after 21 years, as it's getting rowdy and dangerous, with the city being mismanaged to a very serious degree, with people acting out, violence etc.  I fear a repeat of Summer 2020 next year.  Yet part of me wants to stay as this place is mine and has a lot of memories.

Marg, I can relate to the stuff being taken from you in the early days of fog.  Someone who was in the house at the time stole all my power tools and various odds and ends but I didn't notice until after they had been made to leave.  Didn't even leave me a damned cordless drill for minor repairs, the creep.  🤬

Yeah I would rather not know, either.  Partly why I am not on FB because I often find out things that my relatives think that I'd rather not know.

I was afraid of that, Marty.  I tried an app called LiveTranscribe for certain phone calls, and it's Ok but it gets a lot of words wrong and makes inappropriate word choices at times.  🤪

That's really too bad, Marg.  There are some benefits to this tech but just as often, it's made life more complicated.

Thank heavens for closed captioning!  Even YouTube has gotten into it, which opens up a wider world.

Kay, can voice-to-text apps or speech recognition technology help you with typing?  Depends on what system you use, i.e. Apple/Mac, or Microsoft PC.  I have some hearing loss and I am constantly on the lookout for apps or tech that can help me now that everyone's practically wearing a space  helmet.  🙄

Well, salads are supposed to be good for us, so....  😉

I don't think there's a single thing "wrong with" you.  You feel empty because your everything is gone.  I think it's common to feel this numbness and emptiness in the wake of such a profound loss.  It may last a long time yet.  Almost 4 years on, I still feel it daily, but to a lesser degree.  For you, being barely 2 months into this journey, I would guess the shock is still very much present, which would contribute to the intensity.  It's possible this intensity has temporarily left you so stunned that reaching the point where the tears come to the surface has been rendered difficult.  I don't know... maybe someone else has had a similar experience.  In any case, please allow yourself all the time and the grace you need to confront the magnitude of the loss.  It will take considerable time, I'm afraid.