Kieron

Gwen, everyone else so far has already said it well.  I, too, have had these moments more times than I can really recall, even before the greatest loss that I have yet experienced.  It would be easier to just go to sleep and not have to wake up again, or wake up to find it was simply a bad dream that ended with the morning light.  I get it.  This place is a safe container for those thoughts and wishes, which have to go somewhere. 

And speaking of wishes, I doubt there is anyone here who doesn't wish we could all consolidate our energy, from our various locations, into one big care package, or a daring rescue mission and a field-leveling maneuver like that American TV show Leverage.

From Wikipedia: "Leverage follows a five-person team: a thief, a grifter, a hacker, and a retrieval specialist, led by former insurance investigator Nathan Ford, who use their skills to carry out heists to fight corporate and governmental injustices inflicted on ordinary citizens. "

(hopefully the mental image of all of us infiltrating that place to rescue you brings a small smile) 💖

22 minutes ago, kayc said:

Another kink: Have to go for blood draw and requested insulin resistance test, doctor hadn't heard of it and doesn't know much about Diabetes, wants to have a phone visit April 19 so II can explain to him why.  Brushed up on Dr. Ben Bikman (scientist) on Insulin Resistance, took notes.

Why is he asking you to explain this to him?  He's a doctor.  He has to do Continuing Education Units (CEU's) just like any human services profession.  Am I missing something here...?  

I was talking with a friend the other day who shared a photo of his doctor from the clinic website.  This doctor looks maybe 18.  Has a lot of strange ideas, according to my friend.  I guess I am getting skeptical of doctors here in my old age 🤣

I can only echo the other responses, but it occurs to me, you may have unknowingly exceeded the therapist's capacity for compassion or she is showing the limits of her professional competence, from the sound of it.  🙁 

Welcome.  We're a pretty welcoming bunch.  In the 4 or so years I have been here, I haven't noticed overtly political or super religious topics and everyone here has been respectful of differences.

I think the 5th or 6th month after is kind of a haze.  For me, it didn't really become real until well after the first year had passed, but everyone is different.  I hope you can find some solace here.  ❤️

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Seems they're invasive but not efficient, bad combination

Not unlike that sheriff you mentioned.... poking around in your sister's place and then taking 6+ hours to notify you.  🙄

omigosh, Kay.    It's one thing after another.

6 minutes ago, kayc said:

  The sheriff went through EVERYTHING in her house!  He didn't come up to my house to notify me until 3:00 pm, it was 9:30 am when she died! 

That seems... inappropriate.  Out of line, on all sorts of levels.  😦  I'm really sorry to hear this, all of it.  I just don't understand people's behavior...

So well stated, Gwen, from start to finish.

The sad truth...

Not to change the subject too much, but I've been confronted with the reality that I will have to have the windows replaced in this old house.  Too many of them are showing signs of wearing out.  I cleaned a few of them during a warm spell, and one came off the tracks, so I had to figure out how to get it back on.  I know what company I will go with, but looking at all the options sent me down for the count... I don't know how to do this by myself.  I hate making decisions like this because I always worry I am missing something or making a bad choice that I will regret later.  😥

Feels like every time I believe I have come to the bottom of this well, there's still just a little more water rising up from somewhere inside, esp on days like this one.

I stumbled across this unattributed quote on his FB page, with no idea where it came from or who it was that posted it (evidently some friend of his stepsister).

"Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal; love leaves a memory that no one can steal."

Next week it will be 5 years, for me.  What is it with the month of March?  The angle of the afternoon sunlight is approaching the same angle as it was that awful afternoon.  Strange how I can tell the approach of the day by looking at the wall.  Who needs a calendar? 

2 hours ago, kayc said:

He feels in the past but at the same time what we have together is still present, if that makes any sense.

Beautifully put.

No apologies needed, Kay.

I'm beginning to believe all this IRA and 401k stuff is more to the benefit and livelihoods of the financial planners/advisors and related sorts of boards and groups, and less to our own individual benefit.

8 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm learning to say no to demands and people don't like it.

Good for you, and no, they don't.

On the off-chance it wasn't already mentioned, here is Washington State's Statewide Health Insurance Benefits Advisors (SHIBA) website.

https://www.shiphelp.org/about-medicare/regional-ship-location/washington

I believe all other US states have a similar program, often called SHIP, or State Health Insurance Program.

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I went thru a lot of guilt about the relief.  It’s normal. I wanted the him I knew back.  I got tired of making so many decisions and emergency runs to the hospital.  I relished sleeping knowing there would be no interruptions.  Does that mean I loved him any less?  Of course not!  Now I lost him totally.  Entered this hell on earth.  Finding it worse now.  Because it would mean he was still here.  But he’d be suffering.  How do you ever resolve that?  

I know exactly what you mean, having gone through similar struggles.  I look around at all this corona crap and realize how lucky we are not to have to deal with that complication on top of an already-painful situation.  It's better he's not here.  Seeing how quality of care has deteriorated even further just confirms that.

A few days ago, a channel on YouTube that I am subscribed to, a cooking show, had a really professional production about making Sunday Supper, Italian style, and the Italian-American guy and his brother, and some friends and colleagues, put together a Sunday Supper in New York City, and the camera followed them around.  Really well done show, but it was also hard to watch because this guy's brother, also a chef, looks just like Mark when he was younger, same height, build, coloring, and moustache, and everything.  The way they were talking, making meatballs, simmering sauces, etc and gesturing, arguing, yelling at each other the way Italians do 😆, I had to stop and wipe my eyes a few times.  That life is over for me, but at the same time I was always annoyed by the excess food that got made, and the endless dishes for me to do.  After he was gone, I noticed I kept feeling like I was starving, even though I was eating well.  Eventually it dawned on me that he was pouring his love into the food and that, in its own way, was nourishing.  I don't notice the starvation sensation anymore... got used to it, I guess.

😢

I've always found the writings of Kahlil Gibran to be incredibly powerful, which is why I have the quote in my signature here.  This other quotation from him, which I was unfamiliar with, is no exception.

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I had to write our last one alone and it wasn’t a good one.  His input was sorely missed.  Now it sits with so many unanswered topics and feelings.  A shared project shut down as it requires us both.

Gwen, this is so well-put.  I love it.  💔

welcome.  You've already received a lot of great feedback but I would second Marty's recommendation to make sure you hydrate, as well.  It's easy to overlook signs of thirst, especially if there is crying involved.  We do have to replenish those fluids in our body, especially in winter when the air tends to be dry.

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I talked to the social worker and it was the first she had heard of this extra move

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m trying to get an extra 4-5 days here (making it almost 7 weeks like last time and this was more intense) and then home set up for assistance

Aaaaagh!  All this stuff is her/his freaking JOB to do on your behalf, or ideally, to do with you so that you are included in the decision-making process, for best outcomes. 

it's hard not to be outraged on your behalf.  🙄🤬😖

26 minutes ago, kayc said:

Does she sleep at work?  Or just commenting on how she can't sleep with white noise?

Given Gwen's reports of the care she is receiving there, I would suspect the former.  🙄

Thanks, Ana, I wasn't aware of that one.

I have "The Look" on repeat play quite often 🥰.  I heard they only got noticed in the US because someone brought copy of Look Sharp! from Sweden to Minneapolis.  Otherwise they were not really known here in the US.  We almost missed out!

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

This doesn’t apply to short term rehabs.  I checked the link.  They get involved in places you are living in long term.

Dang it. 😦

James, I am reminded of a song by Roxette, "Half a Woman, Half a Shadow."  It was written by the late Marie Fredriksson, one half of the Roxette duo.  Likely the song is about a breakup, but the lyrics could easily be the aftermath of losing someone.  I hope you'll keep posting. 

Enza, the cliche I have heard many times is almost as insulting as the one you hear, i.e., "life goes on," and that is: "Sorry for your loss, life is a journey."  I lost count of the number of times I heard that, early on.  It's like a line from a movie that people heard, and it got stuck in their consciousness, to be spit out on cue, like a print-out of your "gypsy fortune" at a tourist-trap attraction in a seaside town.  Sometimes they leave off the "life is a journey" part.  🙄

I'm with Karen on this, that's just crazy. Is there a patient advocate at the surgeon's office, hospital or clinic?  Someone has to be accountable.  In my state we have something called an ombudsman which is like a bureaucrat who can pull strings to make things happen for patients or others who are vulnerable and at the mercy of incompetent professionals who aren't doing their job.

Gwen, could this office help?  https://www.waombudsman.org/

The Washington State Long-Term Care Ombudsman advocates for residents of nursing homes, adult family homes, and assisted living facilities. Our purpose is to protect and promote the Resident Rights guaranteed these residents under Federal and State law and regulations.

We are trained to receive complaints and resolve problems in situations involving quality of care, use of restraints, transfer and discharge, abuse and other aspects of resident dignity and rights.

Info & Intake line:  1-800-562-6028

The Washington State Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program has been busy during the pandemic reaching out to long-term care residents by letter, phone, and postcard.

Gwen, I can only try to imagine how you must be feeling and faring.  The sense of powerlessness and lack of agency or the ability to do much for oneself is one of the most depressing feelings ever.  💖

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

My surgeon's nurse drones out that I’ll become an addict.

Let her (or him for that matter) live with pain and I guarantee s/he'll be singing a different tune.  That's thing thing about "professionals" who have never actually dealt with pain, surgery, suffering, mental illness, depression, whatever... it's all academic to them.  It means nothing until it happens to them or someone they love.  THEN the light dawns, but only after they have made patronizing comments and given out stern lectures to their patients.

In my job I run into these babies who have degrees out the wazoo, i.e. bachelors degrees and masters degrees, and whatever else, and they haven't an ounce of common sense or empathy for what their target population actually lives with or experiences.  It's all book learning.  🙄