Kieron

I wish I could stop by and help somehow, Gwen.  It's just my nature to do so.  💖  From what I know of severe body pain, it absorbs all your attention, energy and concentration, leaving you with nothing left over to handle things that everyone else handles without a second thought. 

Welcome, ECR, if there is such a thing as 'welcome' to this club no one ever wanted to join. I can't think of much to add to the wonderful responses you have had so far, but as to the question of hope, well... that's a hard one.  Human beings seem to need something to look forward to, because we all need purpose in life.  That purpose is as variable as we are individuals.  When you lose your mate in life, it's hard to find anything to look forward to, or even a reason to get up some days.  Many days have come and gone in which I felt there was nothing to look forward to, except transitory pleasures like a decent cup of coffee, or a chance to catch up with a friend, or a movie you've been wanting to see. 

On 6/18/2021 at 1:33 AM, ECR said:

I just wish the earth would open up and take me in…

I get that, very much.  After 4 years I still have those times.  I had one today, in fact.

But as Dee says, you have that beautiful child to live for, even though to raise her without her mother, the love of your life, will be hard and bittersweet.  From one guy to another, I say: Keep reaching out as you have done already, keep asking for help, even though men's grief tends to be more withdrawing and silent compared to women's.  Sometimes doing something physical is the way through the bad moments, be it exercise, or building something, making something with your hands.  And I hope you'll check in periodically. 

21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I did better in the beginning than I am now.

It's been like that for me, lately.  I'm back to questioning whether to stay here or go somewhere else, especially when I remember it will be 5 years this coming March.  5 years, and sure I've done a lot around here, by myself or with help, or hired someone, but all the big things I want/wanted to do with the place feel pointless, now.  Why bother?  He's not here to see it, or deal with the inevitable contractors or handyman (I'd rather go to the dentist, quite honestly).

On top of this, he'd be 65 this September and I have lost count of all the Medicare "Advantage" Plan mailings he has gotten urging him to enroll in their plan.  Evidently they never got the memo that a) he's gone and b) he already had Medicare.  I learned these "Advantage" Plans are private, Medicare-approved companies that must follow rules set by Medicare.  What i can't figure out is why, if this is true, wouldn't they get notified of when Medicare recipients die?  All it does is re-open the wound, as far as I am concerned.  I called one to ask if they would just stop sending all these mailings, and the rep was nice about it but at the same time she tried to find out if I am Medicare-eligible, and did I want to sign up?  🙄  Always looking to make a buck, I guess.

We also have a "Sad" response as an option, now. 

Marg, no worries, I wasn't bothered in the least.  You have indeed been through hell and back, from the sound of it.

Well, Marg, I got to read the word salad before you threw it out 🙃 , so all I can say is, after reading it I made a vow to never complain about getting migraine headaches.  Those at least go away after a while.

Touching tribute.  💖

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  They keep talking appointments which got me to wondering if they won’t talk to you unless they can bill you.

Ding ding ding.  🤬  All about the dollars.

Likely the mortal fear that doctors today have about prescribing controlled substances and controlled medications is a big part of why they dig their heels in, but this refusal you're describing is indeed unconscionable.

On 5/30/2021 at 5:25 PM, Gwenivere said:

 Little kids lose innocence.   So do adults in more complex ways.

Wow Gwen, the writer in me appreciates this very much. 💖

The ghosts you mention are thick in this place, too.  Yesterday was dark, cold, gloomy, and wet.  Such days take the wind right out of me.  I know my resilience has taken a beating, first by his death 4 years ago, and then this past year did a KO on it.

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

How does one get through a summer of sadness?

Moment by moment.  Someone told me about that time that the reality of the loss really sinks in around 18 months into it.  That was how it was for me.  Never felt so low in my life  I still feel echoes of it every few days, especially as the summer activities, sights, smells, etc kick into high gear.

Yes, people often do just give up.  It's hard to summon the energy to do what needs to be done even though you know full well what to do.  😑

1 hour ago, kayc said:

  Sometimes people are daunted by the bureaucracy of government, which turned out to be way easier than supposed.

This is one of the many things I do for a living.  An ounce of prevention....

People get into trouble because they procrastinate until everything is dire and crumbling around them, or in this cartoon, on fire...

I hear you loud and clear, Gwen.  Yesterday was a difficult day as I was doing multiple tasks, chores, errands etc. and thinking too much about what I'm going to do with this big place.  A few weeks ago, I had the main level interior walls and ceilings painted a new color in hopes of a fresh feeling in here, which gave me the chance to do a deep clean of the floors and corners as well as getting rid of stuff I don't want anymore.  It helped for awhile, but now I'm back to wondering what I'm going to do.  The overthinking resulted in a lot of tears, the kind that come from really deep within.  Haven't had those in a while.  Cosmetic changes are one thing, but there's no point in any serious remodel of the kitchen (which badly needs it) because I don't want to deal with the upheaval and mess, and besides that, it's unaffordable, and he wouldn't be here to enjoy the finished result, so why bother?  Just leave it for whoever buys this place after I get fed up enough with the upkeep to throw in the towel.  And right now that point is closer than it's been in awhile.

it's a heavy feeling, James.  I remember it well.  💖

You could run a search engine for the term "solar plexus" and "metaphysical" or "meaning" or something similar, and see what you find.  Take what resonates, leave the rest. 🙂

As for stuck emotions, there is a system called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) out there that you can learn about.  There are some studies and findings with empirical evidence that it can work, including on combat veterans with PTSD, but it depends on your outlook.  I never really got into it but I know someone who swears by it.

Welcome, and sorry you have experienced this unexpected and unwanted turn of life. 

14 minutes ago, Di H said:

Because I feel I don't know what I'm doing. It is so overwhelming and I am scared.

it's okay to not know what you're doing.  This is definitely the time of feeling overwhelmed, scared, unsure, etc.  It sounds like you are taking sensible steps of finding support, which will help in some ways, but as others have said, there are some steps that no one else can take for us.  But we're here for you.  ❤️

It's likely connected.  We feel grief in our physical body, because emotions have to go somewhere.  If they have no outlet, it's possible they lodge in the body until we are able to process them and release them.  I remember both my arms aching endlessly for months afterward.  A deep-tissue massage therapist told me that we hold grief in our arms, which makes a lot of sense.

Moona, you've gotten great feedback so far, but one thing that jumped out at me: you might want to be sure you are hydrating yourself, i.e. drink plenty of water.  When we're grieving, it's easy to lose touch with body signals, and if you're crying a lot, you'd need to replenish those fluids, anyway.  So please try to do that as often as possible.  😊

Kay, no doubt you have tried it all in your battle with hypertension.  But just in case, a physician mentioned to me that dried  red hibiscus flowers, made into tea, lower blood pressure and studies have borne this out.  For whatever this info is worth to you.  🌺  And I was curious if George/I Praise Him has researched it, too.  Looks like it could mess with blood sugar levels if consumed too much.  So I guess it's a mixed bag, like so much in life.

What a sweet boy.  Just wanted to say I sympathize but find it difficult to read this particular forum, as I have an older cat and she's been with me since 2007 so I am trying not to think too closely about this topic, but I definitely understand and am sorry you have lost your little guy.   💖

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

That nature had essentially won and it was the nightmare of having to watch it play out.

this is exactly right.  I hadn't thought of it in this way but it's essentially what happened for us.

James, I read the words you use to describe her, and yourself, and understand where you are coming from and have said similar things to myself or others.  With time, I came to see more nuance in the situations that seemed so clear-cut, but it's a path each of us has to take on our own, I suppose.

There's just no end to the whittling away of things that used to be.

There had been some trouble with the trash collection not happening, so I had to call the city and see what the issue is.  We got that sorted out and then the representative asked if we still needed the designation for disabled/handicapped trash collection (which means the sanitation worker would collect the bin even if it wasn't set out properly, because the designation signals the disabled person can't manage the bin.  It was something he set up long ago, in case I was not around to handle it.)  I had to say, of course, that no, it's not needed anymore.  it felt like another stripping away of something arranged by him.  It seems so trivial, but nonetheless, there it is.

I think it's pretty understandable.  I remember feeling like the night was closing in on me, knowing that a restless night was ahead and dreading having to try to go to bed.  It's really an unpleasant sensation.  You are not alone in this, not a bit.

On 4/23/2021 at 1:47 PM, DeeP said:

I just don’t know what to do.

It's okay to not know.  This loss and the ensuing life change you describe are a lot like sitting, stunned, in the silence that falls in the wake of a natural disaster.  And I'm sorry, too, because that kind of loss so swiftly and for someone as young as he was, those are the losses that make no sense on any level.  🙁