2 nights ago I killed my poor little kitty. We called her beans because friends of ours found her in a bean field behind their house. We think a guy they saw riding around on a 4 wheeler in the field saw the kids outside and dropped or threw her into the field, so the kids would here her cry, as they did, and bring her home, etc., as they did.
Their mom called us because she knows I love kitties and I volunteer at a cat/sometimes dog rescue and there’s a likely chance that I would help. I had her bring her over, regardless of the 6 kittens + mom I was fostering and my 5 cats. She was such a tiny little girl, 4-6wks I thought, crappy way to start a life.
My initial thoughts were to foster her. Get her fixed, her initial shots and put her up for adoption. I already have 2 black cats 🐱 but I ended up integrating her with my cats right away, they all just took well and after a few days I just treated her like mine.
She was a playful, rambunctiousness little thing. Don’t open an outside door without looking. Or open a tuna treat, lol. Now I wish I’d put her with the other fosters, at least she still be with us.
Tue when I got home little beans, I liked to call her beany beans sometimes, lol. Well she was limping and I didn’t know what caused it, but it didn’t seem broken, so I just worked from home wed too keep an eye on them all and make sure she was ok. She payed around all the night before and I wish I could say all day and night wed, but she seemed to be getting better around dinner time cause she was up and about a bit like normal when I fed them.
After dinner I was doing chores. I’m ocd’ish so I was going from one thing to another, feeling good because with the depression I’d just recently been able to have initiative to that level, again, now I wish I hadn’t. I saw her go in 😩 she had once before and I took her out ASAP, but I thought it would be a cute pic first. I got on to the next thing and forgot to take the pic and about her. She was so tiny I closed the door and turned it on. I heard a noise like shoes and thought I only had a few shirts in to dewrinkle them, but I still didn’t think of her and blew it off 😭 normally I would not to that. I needed to feed the rescues so I went up and do that and spent a little extra time with them cause I thought they needed it, why did I choose that time/night 😝
I came down and it had been probably 20min and I opened the dryer, grabbed a few shirts and I noticed what I thought was melted chocolate all over it. I even asked my granddaughter who didn’t take chocolate out of their pocket. I went back to get out more and she must have been under those first ones, because that’s when I saw her.
My beautiful tiny baby laying in her back with her tongue hanging out and eyes frozen open. I started crying no no no beans no!! I grabbed her and ran outside to get away from the kids and hoping cool night air would cool her down, because she was so hot!! A bigger cat may have not been but she was no more than 4 lbs. she was so hot! I laid her down and cried over her massaging her chest and asking her and god to not let her be dead. I sat ther for at least 10-15min crying and begging.
My daughter came out and laid a blanket next to her and I didn’t want to let her go. I knew she wouldn’t be back and it hurt, still hurts so bad. It was my fault, God’s fault because he didn’t stop it. She was just a baby!!
I didn’t get it and I still don’t, but I’m not angry at god anymore. We have a very nice pet cemetery and crematorium here, I took her there the next day, but I had to keep her in my freezer till then 😩 my granddaughter who’s 7 was terribly upset, she doesn’t know how she died, took off school and came with me. She spotted the perfect small, skinny standing black rn that fits her perfectly. They called today and she is ready to come home, but I can’t afford to pick her up until fri. I don’t know that I could bare to look at her yet without crying.
I can’t spend more than a few minutes in the kitchen still, where it happened. I can’t leave open the doors to the laundry, but mostly I can’t bring myself to run the dryer. I sprayed and cleaned what turned out to be poop that night. I’m hoping that mean it quickly broke her and she lost her bowels before she suffered more. But i read on this site that I should run it with rags towels and dryer sheets first and I can’t do it. I don’t want to hear it running. The first time I do and it’s something heavy that thumps. I think I’ll freak.
I keep seeing her little body laying there and then her face in death and it makes me cry, it hurts physically. I killed this little baby that I/we lived. No not on purpose, but if not for my actions she’d still be here. That’s very hard to take.
My cats, all who are mostly 1 & 2 years old, are not handling it well either. They’re sleeping or laying about and a few more needing than usual. I have to say as much as everyone says not too, there were 4 little rescues, 12 weeks, upstairs, one of which I was thinking of keeping but I caouldnt keep him and beans. So he’s down her with us now. He’s helped, quite a bit actually. He’s rambunctious, but no black at all, he a beautiful orange tabby. The other cats are ranging from ignoring him, starting to pay attention and starting to get interested.
It’s time to move on and I just don’t know how, I just want her back 😢
minor update. I went to church today before I posted this. At the end the pastor called on everyone to pray for a man diagnosed with cancer, but that he knew many others were working things and painful things and called on people to those of us that raised our hands to show we were struggling , hurting. 4 people and the whole church, prayed for us. I cried through it, but I will say by the end of it I felt a calm come over me about this. I still miss her and if I think too much or talk to someone about it/her, I see her kittle face and cry, but I don’t lose it and I’m calmer. I was able to do my laundry tonight. I think I have minor ptsd in that even though I watched my dryer the whole time, I still pulled everything partially out to make sure. Checked where my cats and kitten was, finally started it and stood there to make sure nothing banged. I don’t know how long till this gets better, 2 years ago I reacted the same to losing a kitty to a car, I’m pretty sure she’s was running across to home because she heard me calling her. Fortunately it was quick, broke her neck with little damage this hit me tonight, now my beans, it just hard, painful, but I believe I’ll get through it now, I didn’t feel that way before church. I’m rambling, thanks everyone for your stories, those help also, I’m not the only one 😢
