Metal

Was Jenna's birthday on Friday. It was rough, but I was going alright until some flowers arrived from Jenna's workmates. I went for dinner and drinks with some friends and drank myself stupid. As much as I have some wonderful friends, who want to be there and listen (and yes I know how lucky I am in that) it's really hard, because they can't really understand. And they're all grieving Jenna too, so it's hard for them to hear me talk about trying to find something else to live for. In some ways, I am starting to get used to living alone. But at the same time I am called on for so many meetings with friends and family that I feel I am having trouble finding time to just be, and I may find that I'm still not ok with it at all. Again, shouldn't complain, I'm lucky to have that. I dunno. I'm considering maybe going back to work in the next week or so. There's still so much to sort out, but I can't avoid it forever. I just don't know what's right or what to want out of life any more. And I can't live this way forever.

Thanks, all of you.

Thanks Kieron. Yes, my Grandad had a great long life, but honestly hearing and seeing pictures of his great long life (with his wife for the vast majority of it), just made me feel worse about my own situation having my wife taken from me so soon. It reinforced how unfair it is, and made me even more upset about my situation. I couldn't take it. I disappeared, took a walk for a while after the funeral. I came back before I probably should have (had a message asking where I was from one of my brothers despite having let them know beforehand that I expected to find it difficult and might disappear for a while) and proceeded to fall apart and cry in the arms of a couple of different cousins when they expressed how sorry they were about Jenna - covid meant that I hadn't seen them since then. And I feel / felt so selfish for feeling worse about Jenna on a day that was meant to be about Grandad.

This song (The Fragile, by Nine Inch Nails) reflects our starting point for me. It changed and developed after that. But to begin with, seeing her and caring about her gave me the will to pull myself out of the dumps so that I could help her, and in turn she helped me, and together we loved each other, helped each other, and had a perfect partnership where together we were far greater than the two of us could ever have been apart. She shines In a world full of ugliness She matters When everything is meaningless Fragile She doesn't see her beauty She tries to get away Sometimes It's just that nothing seems worth saving I can't watch her slip away I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by Hoping someone can see If I could fix myself I'd... But it's too late for me I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart I won't let you fall apart We'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side But they keep waiting And picking and picking and picking and picking And picking and picking and picking and picking And picking and picking It's something I have to do I won't let you fall apart I was there, too I won't let you fall apart Before everything else I won't let you fall apart I was like you I won't let you fall apart

Rough day with Grandads funeral today. Not only for the loss of Grandad, which was tough enough. But seeing family that I hadn't seen since Jenna died, and seeing / hearing about Grandads life with my Nanna, seeing photos of their 60th wedding anniversary, hearing how the last 12 years of his life since she passed were the hardest... Made me feel so much more just how much I have lost, and how much I have been cheated to miss out on so much of our life together. Also, and I'm sorry to those who will be upset by this, but being a Christian funeral I found the talk of how everything is God's plan just offensive really. I fail to see how my wife being torn from this world so soon, so unfairly, and despite prayer from a very large number of people, could be part of any divine plan. Right now I feel that if God exists, he must be either impotent (couldn't help) or an asshole (chose not to help). I find it much more palatable to just to accept that there is no God.

Yeh. "I didn’t speak to many people, it was too overwhelming. Just a few trusted people as repeated retelling or pulling me into what was so intense tore me up" I've also been avoiding this for the most part, apart from a few close people. This is part of what I'm dreading when I eventually try to go back to work. That and the fact that I know there'll be a massive backlog of work and a lot of pressure to get it done. "Sorry for your loss, must be really hard, let me know if you need anything. Now there's twenty outstanding jobs that are costing the company hundreds of thousands of dollars a day in damages, could you just get all of those done by the end of the day please?". Yep, looking forward to that.

Dropstereo, I am so so sorry. I don't know if you've read my thread but reading your post the comparison is scary (her 33, and 16 years together) almost like reading my own post and not recognising it as my own. I can't help, but I am feeling your same pain. I don't know how the hell I will get through this either. I hope you find some family or friends who will help support you. Feel free to message me to talk, I don't know anyone else who has been through anything like this.

Jim, I can relate 100%. Jenna was my world, my reason for getting up in the morning, the reason for everything I did. Now she is gone, and life itself is gone. I am here surrounded by the remnants of a life that we shared that will never return.

Thanks Shirley. I've been absent for a little bit, because I just didn't know what to say. I'm still hurting and still trying to work out what I do now. I think I mentioned previously that my Grandad was unwell - I was meant to be seeing him today for the first time since all of this, but received word this morning that he passed away in the early hours of this morning. I had Jenna's best friend visit yesterday, we spent a lot of time talking and had a bit of a cry. I just can't see a way forward from this. But somehow each day keeps passing by.

Thank you Robin.

I hear you. That's rough.

Looks good!

Thanks everyone. It's a big help to share it. I did put "whether real or imagined" - it's easy for me to take meaning from things said that may or may not be there right now. No one has actually said that, just a feeling that I've had on a couple of occasions from people's reactions. Glad that it was able to help you in some way.

Definitely not making it worse, as that's much the situation I'm in. Thanks to all of you, it's good to know that I'm in company. We didn't have a chance to discuss, and I don't have any plans or ideas. Most of the places that are specifically special to us are not permanent or suitable - restaurants and the like. Can't bring myself to tie the memories to a place that might not be there or available to access in future. And that goes for our home too - I'm in no hurry to move, and we loved living here, but we had been discussing the possibility of moving over the past year before everything went south. We had a lot of great holidays in a lot of different places, no place really more precious than another. I think the big thing was just that we had the time to spend together, wherever we happened to go. I still have the ashes from our first Rottweiler on the shelf above my desk, but as important as he was, obviously this is more so. I dunno. A number of people have been asking me that, and I felt pressure (whether real or imagined) from some that I should be planning something, or that it's weird to hold onto them, but for now they're not going anywhere. I just don't know.

Hmm. Don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.