TameraSanders

Will be a month for me on 7/12 since my companion, my soulmate, my first and final love, Richard, left me suddenly and unexpectedly. He is 52. I will be 53 in August. We were together for 3 years. I wish we had been blessed with 8 years. So much we wanted to be for each other and do together. We were so happy and fulfilled. We were not planning on being married, we had both been married when we were younger and decided that at our ages now, we didn’t need marriage to prove we were solely committed to one another, but we did look at rings 2 weeks before he left. For the most part, though, everything you say mirrors our relationship. Exactly the way I feel. I just want him back. I will admit for selfish reasons only. I love him and he fulfilled me, brought me total joy and I want that back to continue our lives together. We have unfinished plans. When I think about those plans, I just want to die and be with him it hurts so bad. I hate my job. I was making plans to move to be with Richard and was looking to secure employment in his area and as soon as that happened I was going to quit. Now what do I have left, the job I hate. The person I love, however is gone. I’ve been working from home due to Covid but I just CANNOT physically go back to that job. For the most part I get up sad, log onto the computer, do a few items, go outside to sit and listen to the birds and watch them, think about Richard and what was to be and become even sadder, try to do more work, go back outside, and then log off and go back to bed still sad and/or have a crying meltdown or recover from having had one before 5 o’clock. Notice I said nothing about eating or drinking. The desire is not there. I would never think of falling in love again. Richard was the first man in all my adult life who made me feel loved, cherished and adored unconditionally and it took long enough for us to find each other and then get to that point. At my age now, the same desire is just not there. He was it for me and I was it for him and we committed to being together for the rest of our lives. We needed more time. I will never be that happy joyful person who brought joy to others again. Being a part of Richard filled me with so much love and joy that it was easy to share that overflow with others. That love and joy left with him that day in June. I will never have it again. I just exist now with no real purpose that could even provide me with half that amount of love and joy. I know my love and devotion to our Savior should provide me with joy that is to share with others, and maybe that will again some day, but the true joy, smile and happiness of being a woman in love is to never be again.

I feel so sick. In 2018 is when we started getting close as a couple and I just saw a 2018 date that made me think of how our story further developed. I want it all back. He wasn’t a bad person, we are both good people. Our relationship was so simple and genuine. It’s not fair. If he was a smoking drunk then maybe I could wrap my head around this but he left seemingly healthy and should have come back. I still believe I am deep in a dream world and I can’t wake up. He deserves to be among the living for a little while longer.

I was going to move to the town he lived in, 1.5 hours from where I lived. We decided in early 2019 that was what we wanted, to be together. But I hesitated, went back and forth about selling or keeping my house, tried to find work there before moving. Why didn’t I just go for it when we decided. We could have been together but I wasted time. I thought we had time. We’re only in our early 50s. He was very fit. I should have trusted God to work out all the details and just left to be with him. I thought I was being practical and making smart decisions and choices but all it was was indecision and doubt and lack of faith that everything would be ok. I could have already been with him and this would have never happened.

He is my best friend and I love him and I miss him. We are smiling or laughing in all or pictures. We so enjoy going off and doing things together, even if it is just riding in the car with the top down. If he had to go, why couldn’t it have been a breakup so that he is still here and his family did not have to grieve. We are all having a hard time. I pray every night that this will be the night that I wake up from this horrid dream.

I have the exact same story as smpl0409, only difference is my partner was 52, we don’t yet know the cause but it was sudden and unexpected, on 6/12, and we were together for 3 years. We had longed for a devoted committed relationship for so long and finally found what we wanted for so long in each other. He left that morning for a hike, something we had both become engaged in and the awesomeness awareness once we reached the pinnacle. Richard was very active and fit and challenged himself to so many hiking miles this year. It was not out of the ordinary for him to go on hikes alone. I remember plainly that morning him saying “I love you”. It was so special and gentle. Not like any time he’s said it before. Off he went. He called a couple of times, the last being around 2 to let me know when he thought he would be back. 4 hours later there was a know at the door, the police looking for his next of kin. Every sentient that smpl0409 shares is what I am now trying to find my way through. I want to be where he is, right now. All our plans to spend the rest of our lives together, gone. All our short term plans for the summer, gone. 2 weeks before we looked at rings. What do I do now? My body is wasting away. I can’t eat. I can’t think. My heart is broken and my soul is deflated. We didn’t have enough time.