Hi,
Sorry for the bit delayed response from my end, just a lot going on.
Again, I feel with you and your ex. This is definetely a difficult situation to be in, and I believe that deep down you know what's right for you.
My boyfriend lost his mother eight days back. He still talks with me at least two hours daily, we text, we leave voice mails, and he still keeps on bringing up how to take our relationship forward. He shared a message that he posted on social media with me to get my input first.
Is my boyfriend broken? Sure, he's heartbroken. His mother meant the world to him, but so do I. I believe that grief can either make your relationship grow stronger or break it.
Sure, sometimes he feels flat, and we chat briefly, but the point is, he's mature, he's present, and although I wish he had the mental capacity to take on my grief too, I value how he always tries his best to include me in his. As I tell him "you've given me no reason to doubt you."
If he acted like your ex did, I'd leave straight away. It took me years to understand this, but we deserve someone who sees the effort we make for them. My boyfriend thanks me every day for being there for him, that makes it easier for me to be there, and by extension, I want to help him even more.
Her exuce about being selfish is an easy way out, in my opinion. Does my boyfriend feel that he burdens me? Sure. But he also understands that supporting each other through everything is important if we're planning on forever. Allowing others to take part in one's grief is anything but selfish. However, your relationship is fresh, and perhaps she has some unresolved trust issues? My boyfriend knows I'm a grown up woman, and if things get too difficult,I'll tell him that. Whether it's too much to take on too much is my decision, the same way it should be yours. I understand that she's in no shape to have a relationship right now, and that's fair. However, I feel it's anything but selfish to ask someone to be by your side. His first words to me after his loss were; "I'll need you so much in the next week and months. "
Letting someone you care for go is always hard. Staying in touch with her and her friends makes it even harder. She has clearly shown that she's not capable to provide what you need right now. The next steps are up to you.
I recommend reading up on how to get over an ex. It will be hard, and it will take time, yet it will only get harder if you prolong it.
If I was with my ex, I'm sure he'd act similar to your ex, and initially I'd make exuces for him. It's human to want to do that. That said, I feel that you need to decide to give up all hope to be able to move on. Wish you the best whatever you decide to do.