BaxterBurg

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

I didnt regret trying to work out the relationship for 3 months because now I have no regrets

I agree with this. You shouldn't regret it.

But yeah, if you view the universe has working by a plan, than this is a good way to look at it. Just for me though, I find it dangerous, because you may not take charge to change your fate if you feel its not in your hands. However, things thatare truly out of your hands you should never worry about, and how you see it is perfect. There's no point getting worked up about things you can't change, it only brings you down.

Good way to look at it Cody. I agree more with Kayc about finding the balance. Being too fatalistic can mean you miss out when fortune presents itself, but in some cases--such as ours--I don't think there was anything we could have done/changed. Even if we could have done something different, it doesn't change the now. We did what we thought was right in the moment. Now, we have to work with our current situations--not live in what if's, or what could have been. Both only exist in our imaginations--even our memories are not completety accurate and only exist in our mind. And at the end of the day, as Kayc has always said, someone who drops us when things get tough is not someone we can trust to form a relationship with. And in my case, someone who isn't communicative will fail at any relationship. Everyone in my life has repeated this same thing to me. In that sense, our fate was pre determined. We did what we thought was right, they did what they thought was right; it would never have worked. 

Not sure if this makes sense, but here's my general thoughts. Its cliche but, when one door closes another opens. And there's no point worrying your present self with what if's, it only brings you down and doesn't change the present. We gotta work with our situation now. If fortune presents uswith someone new, we can't be letting this situation bring us down to the point that we miss it. In short: don't think about the past or present; live in the now, work with the situation at hand. It'sthe only way to be happy.

6 hours ago, kayc said:

someone who could throw you overboard in their grief is not someone I'd want to count on as my life partner either

For sure, I try to remind myself this. Especially because she didn't even talk to me about how she was feeling, and was so hesitent about telling me what was going on in her home in the first place. This is supposed to be a partnership, I want to be there for the person I love as they shoud be there for me as well.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

But I know that those thoughts wont help me at all and I had a discussion with myself saying that anything that she does beyond this point is none of my business and I just got to accept that and get past it. It might not be easy at first but thats a start

Yeah it defenitely doesn't help to think about. Trying my best to accept it, I just wish I could forget about her. Just want to pack up and leave; hate this.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

doing fine but not that great, trying to be great tho. Ive changed some routines that I have been doing recently, for example : I have been putting more effort in writing things I have to do in the day in my journal. 

I can somehow say I have gone past thru the withdrawal phase of intimacy; I dont think that much often anymore when we had intimacy. But I still think of her everyday, I dont know why. Somehow Im still hoping a little that she'll reach out but I dont think thats gonna happen anytime soon. I have been watching a lot of " let go and trust the universe " videos on YT and it was helpful for me to remain calm and ride the wave.

Glad to hear you're doing fine. Seems like you're making good progress. The routine is good, something I should probably do again--i used to do that in my relationship. Divide my day into my hobbies and then talk to her before bed.

I think we're at about the same point in recovery, that's how I would describe my feelings. Can't stop thinking about her all day either. Also with the hope of her reaching out, i feel that too from time to time. Most of the time i just want her out of my life--I only miss the old her, not the new one. I have been thinking of something interesting. I imagine the old her has died. Sounds weird but it preserves the love I had for her before, and it allows me to greive that shes gone forever. The new her I don't want in my life, so I don't miss her as much. I find its easier to deal with normal grief rather than the ambigious grief. Helps with the bad thought of her being with somebody else a bit too. Also, if she were to move on right now, after sying she can't handle a relationship and not telling me if we have a future yet, then shes not someone I want to be with anyway.

Take care, feel free to keep dropping in from time to time, I seem to be coming on here everyday for some reason and just reading stuff 👍.

15 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

How are you baxter?

Hey Cody,

Not too great honestly. It seems that as the loss sets in more, the more I miss her, and the more anxious I'm becoming. I've been waking up early in a panic these last few days, and her picture still makes me feel sick. The thought of her possibly dating someone new kills me, and I feel like moving and blocking her on everything, just letting go of it all. Can't help but blame myself too for what happened. I also just hate the thought of having to date someone new, and possibly get hurt again. I hoped I had avoided all that with her. I don't think I'll ever be able to date so freely and innocently now, I'll just be worrying about when they will "lose feelings" and bail. That's just where my thoughts are currently.

How are you doing?

10 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I'll try to meditate this later in the day. Thanks for the tip about writing tho.

I just felt this emotion running through my head whenever she would drop by my thoughts and that triggered me somehow. Maybe it's because I'm disappointed on how we turned out to be. I really hate it when I get to think of the intimate moments we both shared like I can't avoid not thinking them even though I'm trying my best to divert my attention to that. There's this bump in my chest whenever I would think of those intimacy, the worst thing is that those memories are still vivid in my mind that's why it hurts! Having withdrawals from intimacy is sooo worse. That's the hardest part for me right now.  That is what's causing my anger right now... 

I understand. That makes a lot sense, intmiacy is probably the thing that makes us the most addicted to the relationship. Affection was always very important to me too, I think we're the same there. But for me, I don't have many memories since we hardly got the chance. Kind of interesting to think of it this way but you're upset about the sweet memories you miss, but I'm upset that we never even got that many. Try to think of it this way, might help. 

26 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

Earlier today at 7:15 am, I was eating my breakfast while watching some videos on youtube but then again my thoughts of alek have been filling up my mind in the morning. I then decided to transfer eating at the living room but as soon as I reached the tv remote I accidentally spilled this water on the table and I grumpily asked " why is that placed there? " then my sister answered back in a high tone voice and I just got angry all of a sudden. After the argument I went back to eating but my chest feels heavy, it feels like I was angry because of the thoughts of Alek keep coming back to me and I released it when I had an argument with my sister. I almost teared up after because it was such a stupid thing to get mad about but my anger overwhelmed me. Is that normal?

I would say so. I've been feeling angry from time to time; mainy stems from the feeling of being deceived. Got kind of irritated with my mom because I couldn't handle her complaining about work and some trivial things. Just not something I could handle in the moment; I'm sure you felt the same with the water and your sister's reaction. My ex had a few outburts with me while dealing with her grief, usually when I said some things she disagreed with. She ended up messaging me later that night saying she was sorry, and she just couldn't handle that type of conversatin right now. Don't be hard on yourself, but try not to let it out on those cloesest to you. Try writing instead, maybe what you're angry about, or try to figure it out. it helps. Its possible you feel angry with yourself over any regrets--I sometimes do.  Forgiving yourself and her is important if that is the case; when I start blamig my ex with how she dealt with everything and she treated me, I just get jaded. And if I start blaming myself it makes me angry at myself too. Not sure if thats what is generating your anger, but thats what causes it for me.

2 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I feel your pain on that story you have shared. However there's really nothing we can do to bring those back, or bring them back. They are who they are now. Who know who they are now. Maybe who they are now isn't what we are being destined to be with, it's not that we can't handle them, maybe its just that things won't go well along the way. I used to think that we really were robbed of a lifetime of happiness but sometimes I like to think it as were were saved from a lifetime of constant pain emotionally. And I don't want to think that this was our loss, no. Sooner or later when they got their perspective right I'm confident they'll look back to us and eventually they might say that we were the one that got away.

If this may help, I've watched on Youtube about videos on Letting go of your ex. It has helped me somehow. 

You're right kody. I actually was unable to remember any of these memories until now. I had a grief fog for the past 2 months. But I'm sure they will look back in the future, or at least remember some memories fondly as we do. I hope at least. I've been watching the same videos, I think I'm doing okay so far. I will probably always miss the old her.

Its hard to beleive that we ended up here

There's this one memory I always remember that I kind of want to archive here. It was autumn, and I kind of knew it would be one of the last (it might have been the last actually) days we could walk together. All our dates were outside so winter meant ldr. But it was such a beautiful night: it was calm and warm--it was perfect! I just remember how badly we wanted to be close to each other. We would hold hands, arms, touch her back, anything just to be close without being close. She got frustrated we couldn't be close and just grabbed my arm and ran with it. Its my favorite memory and the most sweet. I hate seeing where we are now, she's just so cold and mean towards me. Sad.

Of course, same here. I talked to my friend today and even 2 years after his breakup he still misses that intimacy, its very natural. I didn't get much intimacy with my ex because of covid, and I'm sure that played a major role in our demise; but I still miss the feeling from time to time, even just holding her hand. What haunts me is how much we missed out on, and just contrasting those few warm, sweet moments with how cold and annoyed she is towards me now. Its heart breaking. I miss the old her.

7 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

I'm glad you're doing okay. I bet it still isn't easy to move on from what was. As I've mentioned on my forum, I thought about my ex a lot since yesterday and the other day but the thought of her doesn't affect my actions, my mood or my present; she's just constantly on my mind and it hurts me knowing this is how we are now. 

I really have been accepting our situation slowly day by day and it really is effective. I can feel the pain in my heart that was once there whenever I would think of her has lessened. Right now I could say I'm at the "accepting stage" since I haven't fully moved on yet but I know to myself that sooner or later I will finally be free of the thoughts I have been thinking today. 

I have been focusing a lot on myself lately, reflecting a lot; just like what I have been doing since last year. Right now I'm searching up for public speaking seminars, and in a few moment I'll be heading to my school to enroll in our second semester. I would also drop by for the volunteering after that. I told myself that this would be the year I would make it up for myself and I will use the pain of the break up as fuel to get to where I need to be going. This is the first step I guess. 

Sounds like you're on the right path cody, maybe even more so than myself. Im glad to hear the memories aren't affecting you as much as they were, but I'm going through the same feelings. Keep moving forward, and stay strong. Best of luck in your studies.

Take care,

-BB

8 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

Hi.

I just want to vent out my feelings. 

Since yesterday, my thoughts were overwhelmed by Alek again; until in my sleep she's still in my dreams and I think it's because I kept thinking about her often lately. I don't know why I'm thinking of her frequently since yesterday. I'll admit I do think of her every single day but it doesn't compare on how I have been thinking of her frequently since yesterday. Our memories are haunting me and there's nothing I can do to avoid it but to embrace the pain of the beautiful past -- and it sucks it had to be that way. I still do miss her but I know there is nothing I can do to change our situation. 

I also want to add : 

On new years eve, her big sister replied to my IG story and I greeted her a happy new year and she greeted me back liked she always use to, no hard feelings, still friendly towards me, and talks to me in a way like my ex and I didn't even break up. My ex's niece also commented on my post greeting me a happy new year. I dont know though if she knows that Alek and I broke up already because she stills interacts with me.

My point is, her family sometimes still interacts with me, they even greeted me happy new year but she didnt. I dont know why she didnt. Right now, she posted yesterday a video on IG tributing about her father. I didnt watch the whole video as that I cant hurt myself seeing her pictures in the video but I liked the video. I guess she still is grieving at this point.

She doesnt look at my instagram stories, but its funny because whenever I would look at her instagram stories, she would look at mine. But when I ignore hers, she ignores mine. Thats what I have observed. I know I should stop doing these things, i shouldnt even worry with this kind of stuff anymore. Its just that i seem to think about her often today. Im trying to comfort myself by thinking that we did our best and that nothing is a mistake and everything happens for a reason, but my thoughts of her overwhelmed me today.

Hey Kody, don't be too hard on yourself, it is a hard process. I still think of my ex everyday too, and she often consumes my thoughts as well as my dreams. I'm often very frustrated and dissapointed because she even emphasized the importance of being a team through struggle--but she chose to push me away. And I'm greiving hard for the family that I wanted with her.

 As you said, the story checking isn't helpful, neither is talking to family members. While I still have down moments, I find that I'm getting better with no contact. Part of me is almost tempted to never interact with her again, I almost just want to let go all together. Sometimes I just feel like moving haha. It does get better, but it takes a lot of effort. Talking with family and friends helps a lot, but covid is making this so much harder. My time at work helps a lot.

Kayc is right about the no contact. I refrain from looking at any picutres, and I've pulled myself out of my friend group. I'm climbing out of the hole slowly, and I'm at the point where I can look below and realize that interaction will only bring me back down. You just gotta make it out of the initial rock bottom stage, and it will get better. You will probably always miss her, but you gotta push yourself to the point where those memories arn't as painful anymore. It's sad, but there's no point in letting something out of your control affect you so much; focus on what is changable: take it day by day, find joy in everything you do, even if its mundane.

take care friend, 

-BB

On 1/5/2021 at 4:11 AM, CommanderCody said:

how are you holding up, baxter? 

Hey cody, I'm doing okay. Still stings quite a bit sometimes, especially the uncertainty of the future. Taking it day by day, trying not to focus on the future as much; gonna work on my projects and getting in a lot of hours at work, talken to friends, etc.

How are you holding up Kody?

On 1/4/2021 at 8:05 AM, kayc said:

When George died, I was working for a place that made Military airplane parts to Mil Spec.  I was Office Mgr, Bookkeeper, Assisted Supervisors in performance appraisals, and quality control by maintaining records of all certifications of anything going in and out.  In addition, I was Safety Manager.  My job was very crucial and had to be PERFECT.  I also did shipping and receiving.

I had never asked for help before but I did now, I asked my boss to check my work for a while.  I knew my brain was stressed and not working as usual.  He agreed to and it helped.  Sometimes I had meltdowns at work, had to run to the bathroom for a good cry, fortunately my office was right next to it.  He had someone speak to the employees about grief/loss and what to expect when I came back to work.  Everyone there was so supportive!  I had the most wonderful boss in the world, he truly got how to treat/deal with employees and keep them operating at optimal best.  Not that we never had to fire anyone, we did, but we tried to build the best employees we could and value them.

Unfortunately, it was the beginning of the recession and our business, like so many others (end of Bush adm.) did not survive.  I soon found myself looking for work and having to commute 100 miles/day with another employer that did not understand anything.  Made retiring easy when the time came!

I would say, tell key people what you are going through...trying to maintain professionalism and not sharing over information was key to me at work but it is also important to let people know what is going on, they are often more understanding than we'd realize otherwise.  They can't deal with what they don't know.  It's good to realize that everyone experiences down times in their lives.  If you're concerned about your grades dropping or flunking tests, try talking to the teacher about you are going through grief and brain fog right now, perhaps scheduling make ups and if nothing else, appealing to them.  Will help with some, not with others, worth a try.

 

Thanks for the story KayC, you always have so many and I keep reading them in other posts. You have much to teach! What an excellent boss, and after reading this forum so much, I hope I can be as understanding and supportive as he was including in my future relationships.

I actually agree with what you have said here, I find that as long as you're a good person yourself, others are always willing to help. Even strangers are happy to offer an ear, or some life experience. I always make sure to ask everyone for life advise/experience, and they are always more than happy to provide it. It's like I'm geting a cheat sheet. That's why I like reading so much of the stuff posted here as well. Sorry to hear about your other job though; a bad job and being stuck commuting is awful, I know how bad those can affect your quality of life. I'm glad you got out, I'm waiting for the day that my mom can leave that behind her, its terribly stressful.

Many of my profs were able to give me some breathing room last semester; my ex was actually the one who was hesitent about asking for any help. I had to say "do it for me" for her to actually do it while she was greiving her grandfather and trying to fill a role for her family. It still makes me upst thinking of what she hd to go through... She got a two week extension and still could barely finish it in time. She ended up thanking me later because she wouldn't have done it otherwise.

Take care,

-BB

2 hours ago, MartyT said:

See also Coping with "Brain Fog" in Grief: Suggested Resources ❤️

Thanks, Marty.

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Commonly called grief fog, grief brain, widow's brain, it's common in grief.  Clarity returns for the most part with most people, I would say in this situation it will once you've adjusted more.  

https://refugeingrief.com/2018/04/10/grief-crazy/
https://www.widow411.com/3-critical-steps-manage-widows-brain/

In addition, you might find this helpful:
https://www.affordablecollegesonline.org/college-resource-center/managing-grief/

Thanks, Kayc. 

Hi everyone, 

I'm not sure if this applies to grief, but I was curious on if anyone has some explanations or solutions if it does. 

In short, I went through a breakup that I saw coming for a month as her grandfather's health began to decline (among other things). This was probably the worst month of my life, for a few reasons, and its still going, and my memory began to deteriorate to the point where I wasn't remembering what day it was, and I was forgetting my key in the door. When she would ask what I did during the day I couldn't even remember what happened either. The day she broke things off was a complete shock regardless but I also can't remember what was really said--at one point I even forgot if we actually broke up or not. 

Since then my memory hasn't really bounced back and it's been over a month, but I've only started really grieving recently since starting no contact. I still find myself not being able to remember what day it is; and one of my favorite hobbies--reading--is being affected. It also seems I can't even recall memories we shared of the relationship. Seems like giant blur sometimes. 

Is this common for grief or is it something else? Is there anything I can do? 

Thanks. 

On 1/1/2021 at 7:32 AM, kayc said:

No, not strange at all.  The two that hit me hardest were not my parents or sister, but my husband and favorite dog of all time.  They were the two I loved the most, the two that were in my everyday life, the ones I loved, talked to, spent time with.  They affected me the most.  You think about how much it affects ever aspect of your life, it's no wonder it knocks us down!  I literally wrapped my life around Arlie after losing George, I'd get up at 4 am and cook for him (he had acute chronic Colitis, life long).  We went on walks together twice a day, every day, even when icy, snow, heat, you name it.  I loved taking him to the park, walking the trails with him, giving him a ride, anything to make him happy.  His happiness made me happy!  And now he too is gone.  I'm 68, it feels like everyone/everything I love disappears.  These are not the golden years promised.  I miss having a family, raising kids, the noisiness, the bustle, now I live with ghosts.  Makes me understand how my mom must have felt, but even she too is gone now.  You have your whole life ahead of you, you still have the best yet to come.  It may not feel like it today, but it will...

Thank you for sharing your story Kayc. I could never understand the grief surrounding pets, but this is very insightful; I'm sorry for your losses. And its true that the spectres of the past will always haunt our present; I guess thats why you never truly "get over" grief--you move on with it.

On 1/1/2021 at 7:32 AM, kayc said:

You have your whole life ahead of you, you still have the best yet to come.  It may not feel like it today, but it will

I hope you're right Kayc; but sometimes I wonder if I'm already experiencing the good times. Having a family is my main goal in life, and I think that's why this loss is so painful for me; the future just seems scary now.

Hope we both have a better 2021, take care Kayc.

You were right @kayc, the holidays are the worst when it comes to grieving, no matter what kind. I don't think I have ever cried this much, and I never even experienced a holiday with her. I never expected a heartbreak to hurt this bad, it's just so awful. I was doing so well I thought, and then all of the sudden it hits me at midnight that shes not there. I love her so much and she's not there. Tell me if this is odd, but I have had 3 close deaths in my family but nothing compared to this loss. Is that strange?

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

Not that I wouldn't have liked one, just haven't met my criteria yet and likely won't

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

  I had to learn to value and appreciate myself

Being able to love yourself is a very special thing. I know many need a relationship for validation to make themselves feel special, but its always the best when that validation and love comes from within. its important that we stick to our criteria and not just let anyone into our lives. my ex was the bascially the first woman i asked out for this reason. From all our talks, I never would have guessed she would handle everything so poorly--I guess i was mistaken. Clearly from reading so many forums and your story etc, the hurt that the wrong person can do is awful and life changing to many. Prior to dating my ex, i was fairly content with myself, just doing what I wanted to do and having no social obligations to anyone but my family. Now I feel totally off the rails and confused on where to go from here. What a mess this all has been, I think I aged a few years through these anxious/stressful/depressing months that was our relationship.  

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

If I was in love with someone and married to them, I'd be glad to take care of them, I would have done anything for my late husband

I understand this fully, and we need somone willing to do the same for us. All I wnted to do was to take care of her through this, I cared for her so deeply. When she would text me about how scared she was, I just knew how much she must have been crying--it broke my heart. 

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry you find yourself losing your friends.  That's added complication/hurt

Its pretty upsetting honestly. I loved bantering with them during class/in our group chat, and I don't want to be alone at university again, but I'm not sure if I can hang around them anymore if she will be there. It might just hurt too much, especially if she moves on. I don't think I could ever handle seeing that. I can't even look at a picture of her still, I just get a pit in my stomach. Seeing her in virtual class even gives me a pit in my stomach.

On 12/31/2020 at 9:32 AM, kayc said:

Keep in mind that a few years from now your life will have been built back and this won't sting so much...maybe even in months from now.

Thanks Kayc, I think I will be okay and back on track in a few months. Hoping you have a happy and healthy new year. Thank you for your continued insights.

its starting to sting again, especially because im losing my two friends too. I wish we could just go back to how things used to be. Too much hurt.

2 hours ago, kayc said:

BaxterBug & CommanderCody,

I don't think it's been easy for anyone on either side.  I feel they're unable to do a relationship while grieving; grieving has a beginning but not necessarily an end, it just evolves.  I can speak from my experience and what I've read from each and every post/thread in this section...they're done.  No amount of cajoling or waiting, etc. is changing anything.  It's not about us, how patient we are, what we've done/haven't done, it's about THEM and what THEY are going through.  Only they can control that.  There's no manipulating change in the outcome, no "if I do this then maybe they will do that."  Only harsh reality and up to us when we accept iit and do what's best for us.  I've recommended going dark on them (block on FB, etc.) so you don't keep looking to see if they've maybe responded, read it, etc. and instead focus on YOUR healing. My 2 cents for what it's worth.  Of course they aren't dealing with it well, they're grieving.  Will they ever come around?  Not likely!  Read each and every thread in here like I have (it'll take you a LONG time!) and you will see a pattern, there's your answer.

You're right Kayc. I think I've accepted that now. Knowing my ex, its going to take her a very long time to handle what happened, and me just sticking around is hurting the both of us. Imight have to let my friends go as well, I'm not sure. Its sad that this happened, and that she still cound'nt even tell me to move on or anything concrete other than that her feelings are gone but "might come back" and that there is "no reason not to want to be with me". My frined warned me day 1 that she might be unconciously stringing me along after she sid that she "misses me" the day after the break up. I just have to move on.

thanks for your insights through this Kayc, should have listened from the start!

I feel so free now knowing I don't have any obligation to her anymore-- a giant weight off my shoulders. I can finally move past the worst 2-3 months of my life. I cant explain how hard it was trying to be there for her, helping her with school work, her coldness, constantly worrying about the relationship and finlly trying to repair it and win her back. I can honestly say I tried my best, and Its finally over, hoping for a better 2021!