Mrcelloboy

Boy, can I relate to this one... This is exactly where I feel I'm stuck at times. The grief is softening a bit (18 months now since my loss). I just feel at a loss of where to go with myself (having found out that a new relationship isn't the answer). It's really all up to us. It can be a wonderful opportunity, as lousy as the reason is that it exists. Personally I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Just trying to stay "open" to possibilities. I know that i've got to take some initiative at some point, otherwise I'll just rot while I'm waiting. I've been slightly depressed a couple of times earlier in life and pulled myself out of it, but losing ones other half is a huge on to "get over". I'm trying to not be too self-critical, but there may come a point that I'll just need to get in gear and start trying things. I was watching "Dr. Phil" the other night... he was working with a family where the husband was beating himself up over some bad financial decisions and was having trouble letting go of his guilt. Dr. Phil said: "Rocking is certainly something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." It really hit home a bit for me. There's certainly a righteousness we feel about the seriousness of the loss we feel, however I think there comes a point that we have to take charge of our lives again. If we don't, we end up wasting what's left of our lives. I think our lost partners would much prefer we live out our lives fully than spend the remainder of our lives pining for them. WE just need to keep at it, with patience and self-compassion.

Don't think I didn't create a bit ofd a train wreck, as I actually did... We're trying to remain friends in the wake of it. It's a challenge for us.

Based on the fact that I was busy trying to "replace" my lost partner Kathy with another person for much of the first year, my grief counselor and I feel I'm really only about 4 months into the grieving proccess. I make this more difficult for myself by being the type that doesn't like to lose control, and I'm also pretty self-critical. My counselor suggested that I use my late fiancee Kathy's voice in giving myself permission to feel my pain, and to allow myself down time more easily, and without criticizing myself so much for it. It seems to be helpful.

Thank you both. Over the weekend two different people told me I looked really good. I was reminded of Billy Crystal, in charachter on Saturday Night, live telling people it's much more important to look good than to feel good. It made me laugh.

It sure feels like crap at times, trying to make sense of who I am now. There are, what feel like, rare moments of clarity. Moments where I actually seem to be having a decent time all by myself. Maybe I'm actually enjoying more than I think, and it's just a self-awareness than makes the unpleasant times seem larger. Today I attended Easter services with my late fiancee's son and mother. The theme of rebirth was a bit hard to listen to. Kathy's gone and not returning. I grab extra naps, more often than I think I need, hoping that I'll wake up from one and feel like I've really turned a corner. I know that I really need to pick myself up and move myself into my new future, but I'm having a heck of a time feeling like I'm really on the bus. Maury

Dear Elizabeth. So sorry that you have to deal with this. My partner of 10 years, Kathy, died Nov. 10 2006, when she was run over on her bicycle by a recycling truck. Just this morning I found myself again replaying an image of what I imagined took place (there were no people on her side of the truck that witnessed the accident). I think that in traumatic loss this is one of the common ways we deal with our loss. At about 16 months I'm starting to feel like I'm really beginning to recover to the point of being able to have happy memories at times, rather than just hurt. There are things like what you and I have to deal with that can never really be understood, but I believe we can eventually come to recover enough to be whole again. Be patient with yourself. I've learned that there's no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Maury

I was able to read some excerpts of the Mars and Venus book yersterday and was a bit startled at how closely some of what the author said parallels my experience. I spent the evening with Melanie, starting out with sharing some of that with her. She wasn't very happy to hear about it. We were able to come to an understanding after much discussion and some tears that we're going to see if it works for me to just back off some in the intensity of our relationship while I try to do some of the "work" I skipped in my grief. We're going to seek some counseling as well. Thank you all for your continued input and support.

Thank you again Derek. The experience you share with me is so perfectly relevant. I wish I had ben wise enough to catch my indecision earlier. We could have saved a lot of the grief we're going through now. My indescision seems to be tearing us apart.

Thank's Derek. You're right, it's not what I want to hear, but I fear that at least some of what you say is true. I want very much for this to work out, but I can't fake what I don't feel is there. I'm searching my soul to come up with the answer. In the meantime Melanie cries and feels like she's been misled. I feel terrible about this and it adds to the stress I'm already dealing with. I'm still hoping that I'll realize that there are great reasons for me to love Melanie and for us to stay together. I'm upset by the thought that I'm just stringing her along further if I realize that the love just isn't there.

Hello my friends. I've shared with you in the past regarding a new relationship I began this past August, after losing my partner of 10 years on 11/10/06. Things seemed to be going pretty well with Melanie, but recently I began having doubts that I really "love" her. I just don't experience the depth that I felt with Kathy and have not been able to say "I love you" to Melanie since this realization. I really want this new relationship to succeed but my sharing this with her has crushed her. She's been head-over-heels about me since we met, and now feels that there's little hope of it working out. She feels that many actions of mine suggest that I'm pulling away. I really want this to work and still hold out hope that we can get through this somehow and succeed together. We'd talked a bit, a few months back, about how we might be able to blend our households. She has a 16 yr, old. I have an 18 yr. old and my 13 yr. old, who's lived with his mom for most of his life may be coming to live with me. I live in a 2 br. home. Now just thinking about housing on my 2nd son is a whole new challenge. Mel has ideas but I start to feel overwhelmed pretty fast and wonder if I'll be able to hadle all of this. Any thoughts? Thank you.

Dear Kathy, I've also experienced that feeling a bit lately, as well as rare moments of feeling more clear and hopeful then I've felt for a long time (since I lost my Kathy). It seems that for what might be a long while I'm just going to have to learn to live with the ups and downs. The up moments (as well as my kids and the love of friends and family) keep giving me the will to hang on for the long run. I truly believe we all have the potential of recovering our lost feelings and equilibrium. Maury

Happy Birthday William. I don't know you, but we apparently share a journey here. Best wishes for the coming year. Maury

Thanks Suzanne. I'm sorry for your loss. As you probably also experience, when we are able to lend a hand to others it gets us out of our own grief if just for a moment. Maury

I just need share this with those who may understand and possibly be able to help me see my way to the other side of this. At work, when I'm not occupied with tasks, I sometimes stare out the window and want to just float away. I sometimes fear that someone is going to "call me" on doing what seems like barely anything, and I'll lose my job, my home, etc. and fall into a REAL depression. I find it hard to truly appreciate the gifts that I DO have in life. A wonderful son, friends, family, even another love in my life. I feel like I need to push away sadness as self-indulgence; that I'm just ruining my own happiness by what feels like wallowing in self-pity. YES, I wish I could be back where I was a little over a year ago, with Kathy, and not have to be dealing with all these changes. Yes, I know I can't. Why is is so darn hard to really, truly appreciate what I DO have? Or maybe what I do experience as happiness these days is all I'm capable of for now. At times I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear, but all I seem capable of is a short cry now and then, and more feeling sorry for myself. Maury

Thank you all. I'm feeling your encouragement and support. Mel and I continue to work at this, and I don't feel anywhere close to giving up, as challenging as it gets at moments. Maury

Hello all. Some of you are a bit familiar with my story. I lost my fiancee Kathy just over a year ago to an accident. I hate being alone. I've attempted several relationships this past year, most recently (and most successfully) with a wonderful woman named Melanie. I thought I'd share some challenges that have come up recently. We seem to be working it out. Maybe others can learn from this or have experience to share. Two main things we've figured out recently. 1.) I'm often very sensitive to changes. Of course losing Kathy in an instant was a traumatic change that I had no control over. In the months following I had to move out of the house we'd shared, give up the future I'd envisioned, etc. I bought a house on my own and got the basics "handled" (I thought anyway) while I was still in shock. Now I'm starting to notice that even small changes stress me out. I've come to believe that it's that when I lost control of situations, even small, it feels like all of the recent-past changes "domino" on me. Sound familiar to anyone else? 2.) In basic terms, Melanie is in love with me and enthusiastic about creating a life together, complete with a whole new world of experiences and memories. I, on the other hand, as much as I love her and want to develop this new bond, have a huge set of memories from my lost relationship. I'm still letting go of these, and it may take a long, long time to get to where I really have the space to fully appreciate some of the new stuff with Melanie. Even though she's a trained Nurse Practitioner, and understanding of my feelings, it's difficult for her sometimes that we're in such different places emotionally. We're doing our best to make it through these challenges. I hope we can come out the other side together. so far we're able to stay open and communicate our way through the minefield, as hard as it is at times. Maury

It's beautiful and sunny in California; I imagine same in AZ as well. I'm finishing a book called "The Time Traveler's Wife" and have reflected lately on how I often feel like a time traveler in my grief. I'll be celebrating tomorrow with my son Quinten, my lady-love Melanie, and her son Evan. We plan to light a candle for Kathy. I have one I'd gotten when she was still living that spells out "GO GIRL" each letter a different color. She went allright. Thinkgs have been good lately. I've been dealing well and Melanie and I seem to be doing OK with my sadness which still wells up at some point almost daily. I'm learning to praise some of the loving things that go on for Mel and I, not just reflect on how wonderful Kathy was. Melanie is so very understanding, but sometimes I realize too late that something I said hurt her. It can be a little bit of a dance at times, but I believe we'll make it; that I'll come out learning to love Melanie at a level I love/loved Kathy. How's it going for others this Thanksgiving? Maury

Hi Deb. I believe dreams are an expression of our subconcious thoughts. My impression of your dream is that You cared very much for both of your grandfathers. I'm guessing his (#1's) garden is a place he cherished and that you have fond memories of. The ambulance sequence seems to speak of the helplessness you felt at losing him. In the ten years I shared with my late fiancee Kathy, I was bothered that most of my dreams that involved domestic situations included my ex-wife rather than Kathy. (I'd been with the ex for 13 years before). Our subconcious often seems to utilize images of those we have more memories of rather than those currently with us. In my opinion, anything is "normal" in a dream. To me, your dream simply expresses that you're a caring, loving individual. Maury

Hello Kay. I do, on occasion, think about negative aspects of my relationship with Kathy. I don't think it's to stop me from grieving, but it helps me realize she wasn't perfect, and it helps me allow the room to love someone else now that she's gone. It's sometimes to easy to elevate our lost partners to unreal heights. Like many of the feelings I experience in grief, I find it healthy to honor such feelings and let them pass. Maury

I'm the one on the left... that's our CEO in the turban. [attachmentid=189]

Gail, It's really valuable that were here for eachother, as we all understand the way only those who experience this really understand. I started today on a bad footing, but being able to respond to you helps me feel a little better. One thing I've recently noticed is that whe I'm feeling "down" moments, they feel both overwhelming, and like that's all I ever feel. When I'm able to get past that moment a bit I often realize that it may not be as much of the time as it feels like. I will not give up believing that things will continue to feel better in the big picture as time goes on. It can just be really, really hard at times for now. Maqury

Thank you Karen. I was feeling stressed here at work (I'm sort of a hybrid of sales and technical support for a dynamic company going through a growth stage) so I just got into my Halloween costume (as a woman) and my mood has improved for now.

Approaching the year anniversary of losing my partner Kathy, I'm facing what seems to be a step backwards in my emotional well-being. Despite joys in my life; the love of a new partner, continued survival, so many loving friends and family, a decent job, etc., I also feel what seem like frequent pangs of fear, insecurity and sadness. The job that I once loved feels stressful and less meaningful. There are moments I feel like I'm killing myself from within with my worries. I've always been such an optimist that I feel I've GOT to keep telling myself that I'll feel better as time goes on, that I just need to keep re-focusing on the good and joyful, honoring my grief and loss, and giving myself positive reinforcement. When i'm feeling insecure it feels like that's what is present most, but maybe that's an innaccurate assessment. It is SO HARD sometimes~! If you have thougts to share, please consider that I'm a spiritual person, but not religious. Thanks for listening (and sharing in advance), Maury

Thank you both. Conversation almost always seems to help (me). I'm reading a book now called "How to Talk to a Widower". It's a bit of a wierd combination of fictional humor and drama, but certainly does capture some of the bizarre feelings we experience after our loss.

The accident that took Kathy's life occured last Nov. 10th. I'm planning on spending some time at the intersection where this occurred, at the time it occurred (8:30AM) with any other friends and cyclists who happen to want to participate. Coming up on this one-year anniversary has picked at the scab of my healing. I've had some bad mornings mixed in with the gradual and general feeling of recovery I'd mostly been experiencing. The bad is mostly stress over financial and family matters which, if I'd just not stress, will most likely be fine. I work at just letting go, and letting go again... and again, until I realize my mood has gotten past the momentary feelings of desperation. I leared years ago, when I had a brief bout with depression, that what works for me is this repeated "letting go" with directed intent. Eventually I'll realize I'm past the feelings that a while before were almost unbearable. On the other hand, if it's grief I'm feeling, I make no attempt to push it away. I know well that supressing this emotion (or feeling) just delays it until another time. So I let the waves of sadness, loss and hurt take me over for their time. My new relationship continues going well, going on a third month now. Again; I need to be concious of my grief and not try to smother it with the pleasure I experience with my new partner. Fortunate for me she's supportive of my grief, not jealous of my love for Kathy, and allows me the space to express all facets of what I feel.